How to have and sustain adult conversations
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in 2018
my editor came to me and gave a
challenge
to me a really difficult challenge he
said
david you got to start thinking about
2018 projects
and i think it should be about civil
discourse now mind you
this had been just after a year of the
2016 presidential election
we had the most contentious presidential
election that i had seen in my lifetime
to that point
and suddenly my boss was asking for a
civility project
and i sighed and i think i said to him
how are we going to do this does anybody
care about civility anymore
and i think my thinking then was about
that polarized environment
as i look back at it then and look at it
today
maybe it’s because of the vitriolic
nature of comments
in a story or maybe it’s because of the
feuding on twitter
or the ad hominem attacks that you find
on cable news
but i believe there’s a space for public
disagreement
and we’re missing an opportunity if we
limit the way that we look at civility
to have those exchanges
so i’m very much for a concept known as
adult conversation
an adult conversation is where we have
these discussions in ways that we listen
to each other
we respect each other and we find some
common ground
we may not agree at the end of it but we
have that mutual respect
where relationships matter even if we
disagree
on certain parts of facts or solutions
so as we look at civility itself
i want to tell you a little bit of a
story that happened a few years ago
i was co-moderating an event at the
national public library with former
tennessee governor bill haslam
and he was talking about his higher
education policy it was at the end of
his term
and we had gotten wind that there were
going to be some protesters there
demanding clemency for cintoya brown
centoya brown was serving a life
sentence in prison for a murder she
convicted at six
when she was 16. and she also had a very
compelling story of redemption and
rehabilitation
and celebrities like rihanna took note
and were demanding her freedom
so after 45 minutes of discussion with
the governor
the first person who came up was one of
the protesters who took that moment a
young man he took that moment to make a
statement
and other protesters were shouting down
people who wanted to ask a different
question
and then things slowed down after a
while because even though they wanted
clemency for centolia brown
right then the governor wanted to
explain this process and you didn’t
commit to anything that evening
but he did explain what he was going to
do
in terms of how he thought about those
issues and they weren’t satisfied
so we ended the event early and he said
to me something
that i’ll never forget he said democracy
is messy you think about that democracy
is messy
that evening i went to twitter to look
at the conversation
and see what people were saying and i
was urging people to have patience
be patient something good is coming
but i was stiffly reprimanded in this
public square this was a very
contentious issue
an issue that people had very strong
opinions about
and in calling for patience while others
called for justice
i was very rightfully reprimanded but at
the time
i started thinking about who was being
in civil
was that were the protesters being
uncivil toward governor haslam
were the criticisms of me uncivil or was
i the guilty party
again that concept of democracy is messy
so civility comes from the the word the
root word in latin called kiwitas
and kiwitas is about the bond between
society and the citizen
not just the freedoms and the rights but
also the responsibilities
and we see kiwitas manifested in many of
our founding documents
including the declaration of rights of
the tennessee state constitution
article 1 section 1 states this that all
power is inherent in the people
and all free governments are founded on
their authority
and instituted for their peace safety
and happiness
for the advancement of those ends they
have at all times
the unalienable and indefeasible right
to alter reform or abolish the
government
in such manner they think proper think
about that
that’s powerful civility is not a
passive bystander
civility is now very active it’s in the
driver’s seat it calls for citizen
participation
it calls for being in the space of
public disagreement actively
in a way where you might be able to
build bridges where you look to find
respect and you look to have that
conversation
and i go back to that challenge that my
boss gave me and i worked with my team
to come up with this strategy called
civility tennessee
which was envisioned as a one-year
project with events
forums debates with candidates with
issues
talking about a variety of different
subjects in partnership with
universities in partnership
with the national public library and
other institutions and also to talk
about issues like
racism how do you have a conversation
about that that’s sustainable
a healthy one to talk about sexual
assault to talk about gun violence
to talk about transportation issues
since we had a referendum
on transit just that year the first
place i went to to talk about the
campaign outside of nashville
was mcminnville tennessee it’s about 80
miles east of nashville
in a rural community and very different
from what i was experiencing at the time
politically nashville is a blue dot in a
great red
sea in 2016 donald trump
won tennessee two to one hillary clinton
only received
a majority of the votes in three of the
95 counties
and i went to this local church that the
rotary club was holding its meeting
we had fried chicken and we had cherry
pie everybody was very pleasant
and then i gave my speech for about 10
minutes before somebody came and asked
me a very fundamental question
why should we trust you
why should we trust you and he asked
this question because he was skeptical
of journalists
skeptical of polling he was skeptical of
people who are coming in
parachuting in and telling him what
outcomes were going to be and not
listening
but to his credit and to my benefit he
let me answer the question
without insult or interruption without
attack
and i was able to talk about the
aspirations of civility tennessee
and talk about how we were planning to
talk to a lot of people have
conversations
both small and large to discuss the
issues
and to have good healthy solid debate
i was so moved by those words that i
have a picture with those words
why should we trust you at my desk as we
think about public disagreement
it’s really important that we think
about our role in
advancing those public debates and also
ensuring that the government
executes its mission to provide peace
safety and happiness to all citizens
we’re also building upon a legacy of
conversations that we had had before
this project
conversations with young american
muslims and gun owners
conversations with veterans on issues
like kneeling during the national anthem
and seeing diversity in their responses
i even organized a conversation between
a black conservative politician
and a liberal white gay activist at a
cracker barrel in south nashville
after seeing a social media post
envisioning so what such a meeting would
look like
and it’s important to keep the context
of stability in that public conversation
because it is about active conversation
it is about that kiwi tasks as we
discussed
and one of the very difficult things
right now in our environment is that
social media can be very vitriolic and
during this pandemic
many of us are using technology almost
exclusively
but we’ve had an advantage though we
have this closed facebook group for
civility tennessee
which has become a laboratory for
discussion and all we do is we ask
people who want to join we have 300
members so
far and growing three questions do you
want to join a group that pledges to be
a place
for respectful dialogue on difficult
issues are you committed to modeling
this civil behavior
and will you encourage others also to
act in a civil manner
we even take on philosophical questions
aside from the serious issues such as
covet 19 data releases and
transportation we had one question about
the nature of offense who should be
offended the person who offends
or the person who was offended
and i tell you this because these
conversations are very difficult
and what i love about this group is that
they model a conversation
it’s not always nice sometimes it can be
very tense
passionate people don’t speak the same
way people don’t react the same way
yet it’s a wonderful way to have a
discussion come together
and and really debate those issues of
the day in a meaningful way
i want to talk again a little bit about
this nature of the relationship of
stability because sometimes
civility can be between two people
people can be uncivil toward each other
but governments can also be uncivil
legislation that restricts human rights
or civil rights or the right to protest
is uncivil
elected officials and public policy
that’s presented with decorum
can be uncivil and in the same vein
protest in itself is a form of civility
and some of the things we consider as we
look to protest or advance an idea
are we doing things in a way that that
are effective
are we lobbying for legislation that
might be federal
at the state house we should be thinking
about what those strategies are
and thinking about whether or not we’re
creating a measure for us
to exchange and also to listen are we
open to those other conversations
i learned a hard lesson a few years ago
when i wrote a very unpopular opinion
about the singer kid rock
he was set to be the grand marshal of
the national christmas parade
but shortly before he went on national
television to call one of the co-hosts
of the view
the b word and i wrote a column saying
he does not deserve this honor of being
the grand marshal
thinking it was a rather uncontroversial
opinion and boy was i wrong
people were angry they were living the
internet exploded as they say
and i was skewered online and some
people called me the language police
and that was one of the kinder reactions
but it didn’t change my mind
and i dug in deeper but i contrast that
to the situation with the protesters at
the national public library
during the event with governor haslam
they were demanding justice though i was
talking about patience
and i was the one who was in the wrong
because i fell into the trap that dr
martin luther king jr identified decades
ago
where the call for patience is another
form of oppression
and when i decided to take a moment to
listen i decided to write
a new piece calling for immediate
clemency
for centolia brown because it was the
right thing to do
because the protesters were right
and a month later governor haslam used
his powers
to free her and she was to grant her
mercy and she was freed a few months
later
and i’m not saying this because i
influenced the governor in any way
i say this to denote the power of
civility even when it’s presented
in protest and today miss brown is
advocating
for other people with her amazing
stories a former human trafficking
victim
who is now speaking out for criminal
justice reform and social justice
so as we look at civility and we look at
the debates
around us i know that we’re in a very
polarized environment
we are living in a pandemic economic
downturn presidential election
a call for racial reckoning and social
justice and social media world is
just going crazy it’s hard but there’s
certain tips i want to share with you
having been in this space for a long
time that are helpful for me
to stay healthy and still keep engaged
and the first one is you know i don’t
engage in twitter feuds anymore
yes i’m responsive i believe in it’s
important to address information and
criticism
but the tit for tap back and forth just
isn’t helpful
and in place of that time that i spent
feuding i’m doing self-care activities
like learning how to play the guitar
like becoming a good cook and also
reading a lot more for pleasure
number two it’s important not to respond
with haste
it’s very easy to get worked up when you
see a text or tweet that angers you
but we can’t often see tone when we look
at that and research has shown and has
been replicated again again through
science and
psychological magazines that people when
they’re commenting on social media and
someone is not with them in person
they tend to have a lack of inhibitions
and that might make them snarky
or downright mean so there’s that to
consider
finally disengage you don’t have to deal
with trolls you don’t have to deal with
bullies
people have the option to block unfollow
mute
i personally have not unfriended or
blocked anyone in the last several years
i have used the mute button a few times
three times in fact over the last three
years
because of a pattern of harassment so i
have this message
up here about vote in the 2020 election
but before i do i just want to say
that civility is not about silencing
debate
and it’s not about abolishing the public
debate
and dissent it really is about having
that conversation
that we help lead and when we think
about civility in the context of
exchange
and a healthy democracy we’ve got to
envision a better future a better
society
and the society that i envision is one
where we
are informed and discerning citizens
where we reject
misinformation and disinformation
we think about having exchanges that are
honest and respectful
where we seek to debate and not debase
each other
it’s one where we’re active participants
in democracy
which means go vote and if you’re not
registered to vote go register
and if you need a mail in ballot and are
eligible go request one and send it as
soon as possible
and if you’re going to go vote in person
make your plan to vote early
or on election day have your mask abide
by social distancing
thank your poll worker vote only once
but make sure
to go vote this is your voice
and creating society takes a lot of
diligence it takes a lot of
effort it takes a lot of work
and yes it takes time
it takes heart and it takes courage
thank you very much
[Applause]
[Music]
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