Our darkest times make or break us
i’ve been doing a lot of research
thinking what should i talk about
what is that that people might like to
listen to
honestly speaking i’m not a very
greatest thinker of all time i’m not
here to share any bright idea
i kept thinking i kept thinking that i
remember
i remember the story a story of a kid
seven years old
a story of how depression introduced
itself to a seven years old boy
so this is good evening to you all and
allow me
to take you on a journey back in time to
my childhood
and tell you how this depression
introduce itself to a seven years old
myself well
it’s very funny to talk about your
childhood it’s very peaceful time when
you think back in time
when you think about it it’s the most
beautiful time of year of your life
the most fragile time of all
and home is the only place where a child
feels safe
my sister and i had a
stable family for that i never had a
stable relationship with my parents
either
my parents were always fighting i never
had that
sushi type of thing in my life ever
they were not happy with each other they
never had a working marriage
so they they kept fighting
i think they reached on
on a point that they couldn’t bear each
other
so that’s what happened with us me with
my sister left alone
my parents only used to talk to each
other they were fighting and that’s
something
a child should never see i would
my i wouldn’t want my
so the landlord one day took the chance
i
typically it was never a home for me
where
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i wish i would tell you how i don’t
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lives nearby a home where i have nobody
to tell my story to
that what just happened to me i had no
one i didn’t know i
i just went straight into shower i put
water on myself
i kept doing that i never felt so
disgusted in my entire life
i was feeling scared
reason i’m telling you this is because
that
whatever childhood i had in my life i
couldn’t change
that now i kept that secret for last 20
years in my chest now i’m telling you
all this i never told this thing to
anybody
not even my mom
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you know fun fact or maybe a bit of fact
nobody’s gonna stay with you for life
long
eventually and it’s completely okay you
know
like i’m not blaming that people left me
my father left me i’m not blaming him
now it’s completely fine it’s his choice
his life
he can do whatever he wants to but
one thing i keep reminding myself that
i’m the only power i need
i’m the only supporter i ever need
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from that time it became a very hard
journey for me to cover
it’s anything to say
in my head i always imagine if i had a
father who would stick by me
just think by me forgetting teaching me
things just stick by me
i didn’t get that it’s okay i made my
peace with it
but let’s not be bigger about it
it was my destiny and i choose to
act on it now i didn’t have power then i
didn’t have power on my own choices of
my own life but i do that
now you always have a choice you always
have a power
things will get hard they will always
get hard
it’s up to you how do you react to them
i remember my days i used to abuse
myself standing in front of me
you know i used to judge myself if i’m
going wrong
i used to praise myself if i did
something right
i became my own cheerleader in that
matter
and that’s how i think everyone should
be expectations are the worst
i’m not saying it’s that bad to expect
you can expect human nature to expect
things but you should never rely on
anyone you should never ever rely on
depression stems out of the idea of
being alone the fear of being unknown
sometimes the guilt that people might
leave you
because of you and that’s the worst part
but then before we talk about that
here’s a little closer experience i
would like to share
so uh the show that i was doing back in
time
it didn’t do me much financial help i
couldn’t make much money from that show
i could barely pay my rents i would
barely
had enough money to eat food
so i remember once following my head of
production i was asking for my check
which was already delayed and
here i was calling him forgetting every
idea of self-respect i ever had
and if i won’t pay my rent this time sir
my landlord will kick me out my ass
i was hoping he would understand the
situation and will help me
give me what i deserve but i’ve been
working from last month he
told me it is not company’s
responsibility whether you live
on road or in your house
i was broke
i never felt so helpless in my life i
had work
but i had to worry and not having money
can
take you out of places from anything
i never had a lifestyle for that matter
if you see a lifestyle because i had no
money to even you know fulfill my little
uh what do you say daily things
that day i cried myself to bed
i used to be awake all night and think
where am i lacking
what is this what is that i’m not doing
correctly
what am i missing out am i not
hardworking enough i am
am i not dedicated enough towards my
career towards myself i am
then what is it i used to
try to find the answers from my own
and one day i spoke to myself if
nothing’s gonna happen for you if
nothing
if nobody’s gonna give you anything i’m
gonna let you make sure that i take it
from that place
the craving i had that i have to
end this misery i have to get me out of
this music that i am in
which is not even my fault nobody’s
fault actually your situations are never
your fault
you’re there now what are you going to
do
that matters
as i said earlier i used to criticize
myself a lot and that
have it still in me i always critize
myself
i think that’s the best thing i did to
myself
yes i praised myself time to time not
much
but that made me where i am today
solitude can give you
a great perspective in your life being
on your own
can be the most terrifying yet amazing
experience of your life
i think once in a lifetime every should
everyone
i was out of work for almost a year
i remember my days i’ll be telling you
that now
i had only 500 left in my bank account
i thought before i spent that money on
something i can’t take them
i took it out of atm and i divided into
my seven days
meal plan sounds stupid
money is really important
the lifestyle one might have
will come from the money the survival
will come off of course
with the money so with that seven meat
plans i had only
two things in my menu which was two eggs
and moment speciality the power
so all i had to eat was
that was my daily diet plan
i used to get you know scared
every day of my life
it’s really hard to count your blessing
when you’re going through such
disastrous time of your life it’s very
hard to keep yourself safe
what do you have to because what i’ve
learned from my life nobody’s
i realized that nobody was gonna give me
anything in my life
if i wanted something i had to make the
effort to get it
and left you feeling all depressed and
alone and again
lost doesn’t happen
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so i divided my meal plan i used to eat
my meals
there was days i had no money at all to
even eat food
my only stress was for the day okay how
am i gonna feed myself today
that is my only way from the moment i
wake up into the
moment which i was hardly sleeping those
days
i used to get calls for auditions
there was one opportunity that i always
figured okay
if i want to change my situation if i
want to change my scenario i have to do
something
for myself and what can i do for myself
it’s my work
the only thing i had left with my
confidence
which was frankly was going down at that
point
i used to get called for the audition i
used to go and teach
because each time i have to go for an
audition i have to skip my meet
because then i have no money to eat or i
have no money to travel
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i had done seven shows till then
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in my life it’s not that i was a
newcomer it’s not that i was
a person who would be afraid of camera
of being in front of camera
but i used to be nervous i used to be
really nervous
my hands would shake my lips wouldn’t
move
and since i was very hungry i couldn’t
speak much i wouldn’t speak louder
so
i think that’s the thing about your
doctor’s time it brings you down
it knocks you down and it will make sure
that you be on your
on your knees you didn’t make sure that
and that’s what not supposed to let it
happen
i said to myself this is the only chance
you will ever have
i took every audition of mine as it was
my last
chance and let me say this one more time
there are no second chance in life and
even if there are second chance you
shouldn’t
be relying on it because you don’t know
what might just go wrong
not from your end but maybe from
somebody else’s
i had to fight every moment every
situation i was in i had to fight myself
out i used to
i used to be now has a funny thing i
i didn’t have money to eat food but i
had
things which kept me going
maybe you call it my willpower
maybe it was something that kept me
going because i wanted to change my
situation
and i used to talk to myself
the misery not having money not having
work
having this constant worry in my head
how am i gonna pay the bill
my rent and
i talk to myself that i don’t deserve
this i deserve better than this
and that’s what you should be telling
yourself
whatever situation you’re in you deserve
better beyond
things aren’t going your way make things
more situation into your hand
sometimes when i used to go for the
audition i had to come back home
i used to be a little selfish for that
matter
thinking if i just walk from my place
from the place i was going for duration
to my place
i might be having some money left so
that i can eat at night and i would
sleep
and that’s not much but i used to walk
around seven kilometers a day
empty stomach so that i can feed myself
that one someone saw maybe one egg i had
left
but here’s the thing despite whatever
whatever happens in your life you are on
your own
you’re the only responsible person for
yourself if you’re in this world you’re
working
whether you like it or not you have
responsibility and the greatest
responsibility you can ever
take or act on is to take care of
yourself
if i couldn’t take care of myself how am
i supposed to take care of the people
who are in my life
what relationship i’ll ever be
successful in if i’m not in my
entire senses or forget senses
if i’m not happy with it how am i
supposed to make somebody else happy
but things like that you shouldn’t be
thinking about that only
it’s not about that forget making
everyone happy in this world
you don’t you’re not supposed to do that
you’re supposed to make yourself happy
whatever the situation is
i got work
at one point i did it wasn’t easy
even after getting work hard part wasn’t
over yet
i still had no money
i still had no food i used to come from
my shoot
till whenever my co-actor would drop me
i used to walk
to my home from that place i remember my
friend giving me food
in his home used to give me bread and
some some subs you know so that i could
eat
at night i used to eat that and i used
to cry
what my life what is going on in my life
when is this gonna end i’ve been doing
everything right i’ve been doing
everything correct i have got work
now where this situation is gonna come
to the end where i can see properly
one night i can sleep with my stomach
full of food
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there are times in my life where my
self-respect was at stake
even in that hardest part you should
never lose yourself entirely because if
you lose yourself there’s nothing left
and your entire world is you
never be afraid to take stand for
yourself
if you think what you’re doing is
absolutely right and you’re 100 right on
your part
stick to it people will tell you that
you’re not worth it
you’re not good enough it’s their
thinking
don’t listen to them don’t believe them
believe in yourself yourself
you’re better than that you’re better
than any birth situation going on around
you
you will overcome it now that i look
back in time
and now when i see somebody else going
through the same which i was facing at
once
i think to myself and i say to myself
you have yourself the only motivation
you will ever need
is yourself