Own Your Unapologetic Realness
[Music]
[Applause]
i think i want to be a junkie when i
grow up
said no one ever that wasn’t my dream
as a little girl but i spent 18 years
in the darkness of addiction meth
addiction
i was in and out of county jail until
2011
when i found myself being chased down by
the feds on a denver highway
i was being federally indicted
for conspiracy to distribute
methamphetamine
that’s my actual booking photo
talk about a wake-up call it took a few
weeks for my brain to clear
and for me to really understand how much
trouble i was in
which was a lot
and i just remember this feeling in my
soul
and it was whispering to me that there
was a better life
if i would just choose more for myself
and i held on to that still small voice
and i healed
and i worked hard and i changed my life
and by the time i was released from
incarceration i was
a changed woman
it took a few years for me to acclimate
myself to a clean and sober
lifestyle which suited me well i loved
being clean and sober more than that
though
i loved being clean and sober kara
and i i had
i had trouble i had trouble owning my
past though
i had a fractured self-image
and a deep fear of judgment and both of
those stood in the way
of me owning my background
which included countless incarcerations
decades of substance abuse
using drugs while i was pregnant with my
daughter
and now a federal prison sentence
and this is when i began to climb the
achievement ladder
you see i realized quickly that
achievement offered me grace for my past
and
people seemed to like and accept me into
their circles as i achieved so i
achieved
i filled every single day with the job
that i had
i also went to college i served on the
board of a non-profit
i fundraised for other nonprofits and i
belonged to so many groups that it was
exhausting trying to keep up with them
all
i even started training for marathons
thinking that if
i could have the personal discipline
that it takes to
train to run 26 miles i’d finally
be good enough i believe that if i
did enough i’d have value
it was non-stop doing instead of
centered and confident being
and then a seemingly random event
happened in my life
an executive from a corporation in new
york city offered me a role with their
company
it was very exciting but it meant
working remotely
and alone from denver i really thought
that it was my dream job
but when my home became my office
it actually became my prison
i was so used to having a structured day
filled with constant interaction
and affirmation from other people and
all of a sudden there were no
achievements
and no people in my day to day
working at home suits some people but
for me i had never done it before
i had no idea what to expect
the isolation of living alone and
working from home
led to a familiar darkness that i had
not known in many years
i see now that change in isolation shows
us
very quickly where the cracks are
i had been clean and sober for
over eight years and i relapsed
first on alcohol and then with meth
i had focused so much on projecting this
confident image to people that when my
quicksand self-image dissolved
i relapsed and i didn’t want anybody to
know about it
my identity and my branding was built on
being clean and sober cara and i had
spent eight years
showing people that those of us who
struggle with
substance abuse and previous
incarceration have value
beyond statistics and stigmas
have you ever been so ashamed of
something from your past that you either
tried to shove it down like it never
happened
or you thought you could achieve your
way out of its shadow like me
as part of my achievement-based
lifestyle i had begun training for the
new york city marathon when i began this
period of isolation that ultimately led
to my relapse
while i was stitching myself back
together
in a rehab facility i had a decision to
make
do i keep training for this race or not
and not much else made sense in my life
at the time so
i kept training and days turned into
weeks and months and
race day finally arrived and i flew to
new york city
it was so glamorous i
was running the new york city marathon
like oh my gosh in the morning of
everybody’s taking the the ferry down to
staten island and i joined him
and i looked out at all the other
runners when we got to the to the island
and i wanted to be invisible
what if the other runners knew that i
had relapsed on meth a few months prior
runners don’t relapse on meth i told
myself
and then i had one of those profound
spirit moments
that when they happen you know that it’s
god’s voice
and he is either speaking to you or
through you
and i realized what i was ashamed about
is what actually gave me true identity
you see our stories they define
our authentic identities and my story
included all kinds of things
i wasn’t proud of years
spent in and out of jail a prison
sentence
this relapse every
single part of my story is beautiful and
it’s unique to me
just like every single part of your
story is beautiful and unique
to you
and this is when i decided to choose to
live my life
unapologetically real what does that
mean
it means to the best of my ability
i show up in my authentic skin and not a
safer projected version of me
it means that i embrace all the
imperfections from my past
especially the ones that i don’t want
anybody to know about
it means that i love myself and i give
myself grace for being a human
i may or may not have been the only
runner that day who relapsed on meth
during training but i can tell you one
thing for sure
i was a flawed human being out there
about to run my heart out with other
flawed human beings
and i finished that race
loving my flawed self
i made the commitment that morning on
staten island to heal my identity
and my self-image so i could
finally embrace my past
embrace my flaws and embrace
my unapologetic realness
what are the stories of your past that
you don’t want anybody to know about
are you tired of hiding i know i was
what if we loved ourselves so much
that the fear melted away can you
imagine a world
where we can embrace our stories and
share our truth
the world needs our stories now more
than ever and what we think are the
worst parts about us
are truly the most beautiful parts and
if we would have the courage to share
them would help others on their
journey to embracing their authentic
identities
what’s the first step what is the first
step in us owning our unapologetic
realness
it’s permission it’s permission will you
give yourself permission today
to let your soul your body and your mind
know to the core of your
being that every single one of your
stories from the past
is not something to hide in shame but to
embrace
and to share when we open up ourselves
and we share the real stuff
that’s when life goes from disassociated
and lacking connection
to deeply connected and real
i know it’s scary
i know it’s scary but i have been in a
literal prison behind barbed wire
fencing
and a prison that existed solely in my
head and in my heart
and i can tell you that owning my
unapologetic
realness and standing in my truth
it’s the most free i have ever been
will you join me in becoming real
[Music]
unapologetically
real thank you
[Music]
you