Redefine your Life with Meaning Following Profound Adversity
[Music]
[Applause]
let’s address
the elephant in the room i am quite
possibly the best ventriloquist
that has ever graced the tedx stage
watch closely during this talk i
guarantee
that you will not see my lips move
fortunately for you that will be the
last
joke that i tell i am not your typical
tedx speaker
i can speak and work independently
through the use of a gays technology
if i did not of this technology my voice
would be trapped in thought
speaking to you today as a mcmaster
university tedx speaker represents a
full circle moment for me
thirty years ago i started my family
medicine residency at mcmaster
university
at that time i was excited and eager to
become a great physician
i thought that my future was limitless
i was mistaken this leads me to ask you
to ponder the question
what would you do if everything that you
identified within your life disappeared
your career your health and most
importantly your future dreams
fourteen years ago i was a healthy and
loving husband and father
and a respected physician als
struck without warning and i instantly
became a person with a terminal
illness i knew that eighty percent of
people pass from this illness within
five years of diagnosis
but not before losing the use of all
their voluntary muscles
including the muscles that enable us to
breathe
with the unconditional love and support
of my wife
and three sons i accepted this fate
and adapted to my ever-changing
abilities with determined purpose
fortitude and kindness
i took solace in my belief that i had
taken the proverbial bullet
for my family i believe they would be
protected from
further tragedy i was mistaken
on a clear beautiful afternoon five
years ago tragedy struck again
my 21 year old son zach
and his beloved girlfriend kia suddenly
passed in a freak accident
these losses sent me and my family as
well as guide his family
into the deep abyss of profound grief
this tragedy broke me open the story i
share with you today is one of
resilience
my family’s story is one of rising from
unimaginable depths to fine meaning
stories of resiliency have a powerful
impact on inspiring others through the
provision of hope
this is my purpose for sharing our story
we will all face adversity in our lives
many of us will face tragedy
the past year of living in a pandemic
has highlighted this universal truth
when adversity strikes it can leave you
feeling broken
hopeless and untethered whenever a heart
is broken
and a person’s life can be divided into
the before and after
profound adversity has occurred the
renowned grief therapist david kessler
made this relatable by saying the worst
loss is always
your own loss it is important to make
clear that if i had the choice to avoid
these horrific losses i would have been
a heartbeat
like most adversity the choice of
whitaker’s is beyond our control
no matter how much we want to believe
that we can prevent
any harm from entering our lives
we now had to grapple with the
unimaginable losses of our vibrant
and healthy son and his beautiful
girlfriend
the loss of a child devastates any
family
mine had to also deal with the
pervasiveness of my
als deep grief ravishes the body
mind and soul like no other human
experience
fortunately we had courageous friends
and family members
who despite their own grief were willing
to hold the sacred space with our family
i knew that a big part of our survival
would be
contingent on how we chose to respond to
our tragedies
i knew while in our deep grief that we
had to try to make peace with our
unspeakable losses
we had to find a reason to keep living
when we faced als our sons were our
primary focus
and the reason for seeking to still live
a meaningful life
our sons would remain our reason to seek
a path toward healing
we knew we needed to limit this tragedy
so that it would not propagate
into their future lives we had heard
stories of parents retreating in pain
upon the loss of their
child adding further despair to their
family unit
these served as cautionary tales
we also knew healing our family would be
the best way
to honor zach and kaya this
path would require tremendous work from
all of us
but first to emerge from profound
adversity
and allow the healing to begin
one needs to hit rock bottom
and allow time for the brokenness one
needs to turn
toward the pain rather than resisting it
this eventually leads to finding
strength
recovery and healing as one moves toward
acceptance
the grief journey is unique to each
person
reaching acceptance is a great challenge
let me be clear acceptance does not mean
that you are ever okay with what has
happened or that it is ever fair
it quite simply signifies a willingness
to move toward a healing
path healing can only truly begin when
one releases their focus on the what was
and move toward accepting what is
experience has shown me that not
everyone chooses
or feels capable of finding the strength
to move toward healing
although not often framed as a choice
it is a choice to hold on to feelings of
anger
bitterness resentment and hopelessness
addictions and other avoidant coping
strategies are common when one gets
trapped in the depths of their
adversities
the negative consequences of not being
able to work through
traumatic life events are often felt
throughout a person’s lifetime
good relationships and the timely
provision of necessary resources
such as the provision of medical and
counseling support
are greatly beneficial for building
resiliency
and preventing future health problems
the act of choosing to heal from
adversity opens the possibility for
light to re-enter our lives
the goal being to reclaim peace meaning
and eventually joy and begin the
lifelong journey of healing
once you have accepted loss how do you
make the huge step towards healing from
adversity
and redefining your life with meaning
i would like to tell you that time heals
a broken heart
unfortunately the truth is you will not
truly make peace with adversity and loss
until you decide to do the active work
towards healing
to do this effectively you will need to
build your own unique tool
box this will contain a multitude of
helpful strategies
for us these include self reflection
reading talking about our losses taking
comfort
in the shenanigans of our pup
mindfulness practices
redefining spiritual beliefs exploring
mediumship
and journaling my grief journal
in which i share my inner thoughts on my
losses
and newfound teachings became my
published memoir
still life writing enabled me to fully
express
my life with als and my life as a
bereaved father
most importantly it has provided an
example of finding a way out of despair
towards resiliency hope and purpose
i have discovered that i can reduce my
suffering by noticing negative thought
patterns
quickly once i observe these
i try to limit my time in this space
i have learned to be grateful for the
abundances in my life
instead of being angry about the
scarcities
healthy self-definitions are essential
for me
i have come to realize that i am so much
more than my physical abilities
with regular practice all of these
learned behaviors have become
habits as you accept and move forward
from loss
you must remember that grieving from
profound loss is not a linear process
setbacks are inevitable with work and
time
the depth of grief and the frequency of
overwhelming grief will lessen
eventually you will discover that you
can hold the feelings of sadness and joy
at the same time i believe that
when this has occurred you have made
peace with your adversity
and can truly do meaningful things
without them taking from your being
many people believe that they have one
meaning
or purpose in their lives to fulfill
i believe that these are constantly
manifesting in our lives
when we are at peace and are open to
them
i would not be here today sharing my
experiences
without this belief a lot of purposes
have begun from adversity and
loss terry fox and his marathon of hope
and the ice bucket challenge are
wonderful examples
both started from adversities and when
they began
expectations were small it is
astonishing
how often small seeds of kindness
proliferate
i have seen some personal seeds find
root
because of kindness shown to me and my
family
these include our hugely successful
community walk to nals my kind medical
school
class for choosing to establish a legacy
project to fund medical research into
neurodegenerative diseases
and zac and kyle’s resiliency foundation
which provides scholarships to youth
who have shown resilience following the
passing of a loved one
i am so grateful that zach and kaya and
my family can inspire these acts of
kindness
we are not alone in trying to make good
things occur following tragedy
adversity and loss shine a light on
societal problems which have been too
often left in the dark
i have found that often small acts of
kindness have the largest effect on a
society
these are often so small that we do not
realize
that we are doing anything special
little things
such as a kind gesture a phone call
or taking the time to really listen to a
person
are easy for most people and can affect
others immensely i know that my families
and my own adversities will never go
away
every day has its challenges and we are
still living within the confines of a
physically disabling
terminal illness truthfully some days
we feel forever lost in our
circumstances
fortunately most days we are able to
live in the present
and appreciate the little joys in life
my physical passing will be more loss
that my family will have to endure
i believe that we have built a
foundation for resiliency that when this
inevitability does occur
my family will once again be able to
move forward with peace and meaning
30 years ago as an aspiring medical
doctor my life was leading towards a
different
direction life changes
i could not imagine then that i could
live without the ability to move or
breathe on my own
i could not imagine then how anyone in
this physical state would be able to
positively affect more people
than my years as a practicing physician
i hope that my story has shown you that
it is possible to redefine
life with meaning following profound
adversity
this ability is available to us all
through choice
although it is not an easy path to
follow
healing enables a person to move forward
from adversity with peace joy love
gratitude and meaning i dare
each of you to face your life
adversities and choose to add meaning to
your life
i believe in you the world needs your
purpose
the world needs your kindness
thank you
you