Resilience Through Joy and Gratitude
[Music]
you don’t
drowned by falling into water
you drown by staying there
zig ziglar could have been talking about
me when he said those words
because i had a choice
i decided to choose joy
on may 18 2020
my life changed forever but not for the
better
on that day my beloved
my best friend my partner my
husband barry took his last breath
three months it took just three
months for glioblastoma to invade his
brain
taking him from a strong brilliant
healthy
56 year old man to someone who could not
walk
someone who lost his word someone who
could not use the right side of his body
and then to that moment in time
taking his last breath surrounded by
family and friends
and while that was a major change in my
life
it was all the changes i made before
it allowed me to know i could handle all
of this
changes began happening exactly 25 years
before his death
on that day barry and i met who i was to
become
was a result of choosing a life of joy
over
a life of blame
now joy wasn’t always the foundation of
my life
imagine being married to a man who lies
cheats is physically abusive as well as
mentally abusive in my twenties
i was married to that man
when i finally woke up and left i was
filled with anger
rage hate how could someone so smart
be so stupid
i began blaming everyone for everything
that was wrong in my life
anger rage hate i was pissed at the
world
and yet with all those charming
qualities
i was able to meet the man of my dreams
the man i would spend the best
25 years of my life with
i hear the words all the time you’re so
strong
you’re an inspiration i don’t know how
you do it
to that last comment the answer is
you have no other choice
as i go through this journey of of
mourning rebirth
a new different life i realize that the
person
i have become is the only
person that could handle all of this
but how did i go from being angry at the
world
to being able to handle this immense
loss
it happened a little at a time
i became resilient we became resilient
by building a life of joy and gratitude
resilience is a word that we are hearing
so much of these days but
what does it mean how does one become
resilient
it’s different for everyone
to be resilient is to be able to pivot
to be able to handle change
to be resilient is to paraphrase webster
to be able to overcome
difficult conditions
life is full of difficult conditions
life
is full of opportunities for us to see
our resilience
in my experience a life of joy
builds a life of resilience now
joy doesn’t mean you’re always happy
it doesn’t mean life is always going
your way
to be in joy means
you see the silver lining to be in joy
means you have an attitude of gratitude
no matter what no
matter what
there are a number of changes that you
can make
to add more joy to your life
and to build resiliency but here are my
top three
these are the changes that i made
that are allowing me to move forward
even in the midst of unbearable
sorrow and pain
because when one is resilient there is
joy
you react differently to things
life and all its ups and downs
it’s just a little bit easier to handle
so first things first
how i react to life is 100
my responsibility you know once upon a
time
everything in the world happened to me
i got fired from a job because my boss
was an
all men were cheaters and liars
i was never going to have an easy life
things were always going to be hard for
me
story after story after story
and you know none of it was true it was
me
the first thing barry taught me was to
look at life differently
things may happen to me around me
in spite of me how
i choose to react is how the situation
will
turn out for me
the ad agency that i was working at had
lost a major client
one by one the team was let go i was one
of the few
remaining and i worked hard to keep my
job
i’d also just graduated as a massage
therapist but
i was too scared to start a new career
then i was laid off now while i
cursed and pouted barry pointed out that
this was a kick in the ass i needed to
start my new career
and for the next 10 years i was a
therapist
with an amazing practice
he was right number two smile
and be happy i’m not talking stupid
happy you know what we seen the sunshine
and roses and never the reality of a
situation
barry always had a smile on his face
always brought joy to everyone
that smile could light up a room
he could make anyone laugh now
usually it was an inappropriate joke or
comment
still everyone laughed
happy people are kind
to others learn that skill
from them it’s easy to share a smile
to make a joke to show a little kindness
to brighten someone’s day
barry had that ability he could light up
a room
he could make anyone smile
be happy see the lighter side of life
i learned to be a little bit kinder now
it wasn’t that i was this
unkind uncaring unhappy
person it’s just that i had an
amazing role model to show me
how to be a little bit kinder
and finally
i learned to be grateful
for every
thing everything good bad or indifferent
there
is a silver lining there is something to
be grateful about
we had an attitude of gratitude with
whatever we did
saying please and thank you to each
other all the time
truly appreciating every moment of every
day that we had together
we never knew how short
of a time we actually had together
since his passing in 2020 i learned to
be
more grateful than crying more smiling
and happy i learned to choose gratitude
over hopelessness
to spare do i feel all those things yes
all the time but i move past it or at
least i can calm it down
with gratitude
my husband died unexpectedly
at 56 grateful
yeah not for his death
but for the circumstances surrounding it
our dear friend suzanne was with me as
the surgeon explained
that barry was unresponsive and would
not come out of a coma
i had a decision to make i could not
think i promise you
none of you can when you have to decide
to take the man you love the person you
love
off of life support
through her own tears her own grief
suzanne asked the questions for me
questions
i did not have the strength to ask
stephanie’s a hospice nurse
when she found out that barry was in a
coma
she asked me do you want him to die at
home yes of course
i replied are you
sure she said because you will live
with that memory as long as you live in
that house
no doubt in my mind he would die at home
and so stephanie put her job
and her reputation on the line
to bring my husband home to die
in the middle of the coveted pandemic
friends and family came to sit with me
they held his hand
they spoke to him they kissed his head
the more gratitude i have in my heart
the more people show up to help me i am
grateful for all these people
they allowed me to bring my husband home
they allowed barry to die with dignity
surrounded by those he love
i am grateful
everyone
because you i
am more resilient with help
now resilience in my experience doesn’t
come from being
hard and closed off it comes from being
open to give
open to receive open to love
open to trust open to learn because when
we are open
we allow joy in our lives and joy builds
resiliency
my life moves forward a little each day
my life goes back a little each day too
two steps forward one step back
two steps forward one or two steps back
together we created more joy in our
lives and that joy
makes me more resilient right now
that resilience allows me to go on it
allows me
to want to live more
and i want to leave this place to be
with my husband
i invite you to try adding one of these
things to your life maybe add one more
come up with your own list of things
that bring you joy and make you more
resilient
there is no blame don’t look for the
answers
out there the answers are
inside of you
as for me i know why people tell me i’m
strong
i’m an inspiration
it’s because when my best friend my
partner my husband my barry
passed away i was able to move forward
with him in my heart
because we built a life of joy
and created resilience
you