How long does it take to get over a breakup Am I Normal with Mona Chalabi
Transcriber:
How long does it take
to get over a breakup?
The good news is
I’ve done the research for you.
The bad news is that you
might not like the answer.
[Am I Normal? with Mona Chalabi]
See, a few years back,
a number of publications
were touting a study
telling their readers that it takes
11 weeks to get over a breakup.
That’s nearly three months spent
listening to depressing music
while putting on a brave face.
It might feel longer than it is,
but it’s only a few swipes
on the calendar app.
No big deal, right?
Well, unfortunately,
it’s not so straightforward.
See, those articles drastically
misrepresented that study.
In fact, the study never said anything
about how long it takes
to get over a breakup.
It only focused on the aftereffects
of ending a relationship,
specifically among undergrads,
which is a whole other can of worms.
To really answer that question
of how long it takes
to get over a breakup,
you would need to do a longitudinal study,
a study that would basically
follow a ton of people
from the moment of their breakup
and track their progress
year after year after year.
But studies like that are expensive
and complicated to carry out.
So with no adequate data,
I decided to seek professional help.
I went to couples therapists,
Dr. Hod Tamir.
He has anecdotal experience
with countless people in relationships
and, full disclosure,
he was my couple’s therapist, too.
So I asked him how long he thinks
it takes to get over a breakup.
“I don’t think there is a magic number …
If we feel like we can express ourselves
in how we’re feeling,
we don’t have to keep it bottled up.
Once you’re doing other things
that you’re engaged with
and distracted by,
then at some point you look back and like,
‘Oh yeah, that’s my ex.’
And you notice that the feelings
that you have are not as raw.
You can bump into each other
and not feel pain.”
And the data supports Dr. Tamir’s theory.
One study looked at different strategies
for love regulation.
In other words, can a few simple methods
change how much you love someone?
The study found that when participants
were distracted into thinking
about something other than their ex,
like, their favorite hobby
or ideal career,
their love feelings for their ex
stayed the same,
but it did make them feel more pleasant.
Using distractions to start to feel better
is exactly what Dr. Tamir has suggested.
The study also found
that a negative reappraisal strategy,
essentially remembering all
of the shit things your ex said and did,
does decrease love feelings for your ex.
But it also makes you feel “unpleasant,”
and I’m guessing that means sad.
Finally, a third, more zen strategy
known as reappraisal of love feelings.
For this, participants had to muse
over statements like
“Love is part of life”
and “It’s OK to love someone
I’m no longer with.”
Yeah, that changed
nothing at all for them.
Overall, the researchers concluded,
and I’m not using
the scientific language here,
that concentrating
on the bad things about your ex
can help you to feel less in love.
While distracting yourself
with other subjects,
as my therapist suggested,
can actually make you feel better.
However, the research and Dr. Tamir
would both tell you
that while distraction is good
in the short term,
it is not a long-term solution.
“Taking that time to process
and understand it
is actually a much quicker way
to heal than ignoring it.”
Eventually, for the sake of ourselves
and our future partners,
we’re going to have to face up
to our feelings.
So how long does it take
to get over a breakup?
Well, we don’t have enough
long-term studies to know.
But more importantly,
I’ve learned that instead
of counting down the days,
we’re much better off reconnecting
with the things we love to do.
Finding something to distract us
and unpacking our feelings
when we’re ready.
If we can do all that,
then one day hopefully
we’ll come out of it feeling OK.
And in the end, isn’t that
what we’re really after?