Listen to your Quiet it has a lot to tell you
[Music]
sometimes
the loudest thing you can do
is sit back
and be quiet
we live in a world that often encourages
us to be loud and outspoken
and the challenge for me hasn’t lied so
much in
accepting my
loudness but rather in accepting
my quietness
and throughout my life i’ve often
noticed that i’ve focused on this more
extroverted
louder side of me
and i was ignoring a quieter more
reserved part
to my peril
i was in my second year of high school
and all throughout my years i had been
this goody two shoes and everyone knew
that about me
but for some reason on the specific day
i decided that i wanted to be cool
so i decided that i was going to skip
half of my psychology class it’s very
rebellious
and
so i walked out onto this big concrete
courtyard outside of the cafeteria in my
high school
and immediately a bunch of kids pulled
me into this game of american football
and everyone started running around and
throwing the ball
but as if it were yesterday
i remember this feeling of this wall
just going up around me
i froze
and as hard as i tried to snap out of it
i couldn’t
i couldn’t even look anyone in the eye
so instead of removing myself from this
uncomfortable situation i decided that i
was gonna sit down in the middle of the
courtyard and let everyone throw the
ball over me and run around me
and someone even said looked at me and
they’re like why is she sitting there in
the middle of the game like that
what’s her problem
i honestly don’t think i remember a time
in my life where i’ve been more
embarrassed than this
but here’s the thing
i didn’t have a problem
there was just one thing that i didn’t
know
in that moment sitting down
i was socially drained
and shutting down in this way was my
body’s way
of telling me
you see
throughout my life
i had often been forcing myself
throughout high school to be
a more extroverted person
and the reason why i froze up in this
moment was because i had spent and
overspent this energy
and i wasn’t taking any time to recharge
the energy that i was spending
and this moment was kind of a light bulb
for me
realizing that i had so much to learn
about myself
and i’d like to tell you a few things
that i learned
i learned that the main difference
between an extrovert and an introvert is
in our response to stimuli
an extrovert often needs lots of
different types of stimuli like big
friend groups at school or lots of group
work to thrive and to function at their
most optimal level
but an introvert on the other hand often
needs far
far less of this sometimes none at all
but an ambivert is the combination of
both extroverted and introverted traits
and freezing up in that courtyard
as an ambivert was my quieter
introverted side telling me that i was
experiencing too much stimuli
and throughout this journey
i had to learn to live as an ambivert
and it means constantly balancing the
expenditure and the recharging of energy
let me give you an example
here at ehl
my weeks are filled with lots of meeting
new people
lots of group work and communication
with my peers
it’s a lot of stimuli
so i know myself that on the weekends i
need to take a day to myself
to recharge the energy that i’ve been
spending
but i didn’t always understand how to
create this type of balance
and throughout my journey i’ve learned
three tools that have helped me balance
my life as an ambivert and i’d love to
talk to you about them a little bit in
the next few minutes
the first tool
that i often use and i still use all the
time today
is learning that it is okay
to set time for self-care
and i don’t necessarily mean buying
expensive skincare products or hair
masks which can be nice as well
what i mean is that i take a few minutes
or an hour
every single day or every other day
to do something that makes me feel in
touch with myself
and whenever i get this feeling of
i’m so demotivated i don’t want to do my
homework i don’t want to do anything
i’ve learned to turn to physical
exercise
and it doesn’t matter if it’s a walk in
the forest if it’s
taking 30 minutes to cook something what
matters in that moment
is that i
let all those worrying thoughts those
worries and those responsibilities just
fall to the side
and i focus on how i’m feeling
in that very moment
but there was a time in my life where i
thought that
self-care was something completely
unimportant and just frivolous i never
paid attention to it
i did my first tedx talk way back in
2019 it’s actually not so long ago
and i spent the week leading up to it
constantly rehearsing talking to my
coach talking to my peers about my
speech
and i spent no time i ignored my body’s
need to recharge
and after i delivered that speech i was
so socially drained that i had to spend
two full days curled up on my little
couch like a shrimp
because i was so drained
and what had happened during those weeks
leading up to the talk was that again i
had spent and overspent this energy
completely ignoring the need to recharge
it
but
while i was sitting on the couch one day
and i was scrolling on instagram
and i saw that one of my fellow speakers
was at this big party and they were
partying all night
and i thought to myself
god i wish i wish i could do that i wish
i had the energy to do that
but i knew within myself that i didn’t
but after a few years i realized that in
that moment i could have had the energy
had i managed
myself differently
you see in that moment i didn’t so much
want to change my personality from an
ambivert to a full out extrovert
but what i could have done is changed
how i managed
the balance between the extroverted and
the introverted side
and learning to do so
is exactly how i can stand here in front
of you all telling you about it
the second tool
that i used
was learning to set those necessary
boundaries
i’ve learned that
saying no
is the key to saying yes in other
situations
and i’ve noticed a pattern in myself
where i say yes to plans or activities
because i’m afraid that if i say no i’m
going to offend someone
and learning to set those boundaries is
extremely challenging for anyone
but i’ve noticed that when i
consistently overstretch myself in this
way
i end up having less joy for doing
things i would normally love
another tool that i’m working on is
remembering the next sentence i’d like
to say in my talk but
that’s another that’s another story
but i was in my
first semester here at ehl actually
and
i was walking to school one day and i
thought to myself that i hadn’t taken
a day or some time to myself in many
weeks
and i was starting to feel drained in
this way that probably my daily double
espresso wasn’t really gonna cut it for
me anymore it wasn’t enough energy
and i made a pact with myself i said
okay tonight
i need to stay in
do something that relaxes me something
that makes me feel myself again
but as soon as i walked into school one
of my classmates came up to me and they
were like hey a bunch of us are going
out tonight you should totally come
and without even a second thought i was
immediately of course i would love to
come i’ll be there
and i was ignoring this intuition
that i needed to say no
what happens in those moments is that
there’s an extroverted voice or part of
me if you will
that overrides or is louder than
this introverted side
and it makes it really difficult for me
to make these balanced decisions
and maybe it helps to think of it as an
economy of energy
my extrovert is the spender
and my introvert
is the recharger
and learning this balance is exactly how
saying yes
requires me to say no
and last
but really not least
i discovered the value
in being
fully quiet
maybe though if you ask some of my
friends or my colleagues that know me
really well
if i’m this always this very reserved
quieter person
they’re gonna look at you like you just
grew an extra head or something crazy
like that and it’s true i’m an ambivert
so i don’t always choose to be this more
quiet person
but also
i’ve learned that being loud and
vivacious
does not necessarily give me value
as a team member or as a leader
i got elected my fourth year of high
school
as co-captain of the nordic ski team
and at that time i had barely any
leadership experience at all and i was
convinced that to be respected by my
peers i needed to be the center of
attention at
all times
and after a few weeks of being the
captain and trying to force this
extroverted persona
i realized all it was doing was making
me feel drained
so when i had the courage to accept
my quieter leadership style
i realized
i could notice so much more about my
team i noticed patterns cohesions and
needs that i had never noticed before
i had discovered the value in being a
part introverted leader
and i’d realized that actually
quiet
leadership is not an oxymoron
but
if you’re an extrovert or an ambivert
like me or even an introvert where can
you all start with all this
i remember at the beginning of my
journey i felt so overwhelmed i had no
idea where to start it would have been
nice if maybe wikipedia had one of those
step-by-step guides on where to start
the journey
they don’t i checked
but if i were to give my past self a
little bit of advice this is what i
would say
start small
like ridiculously small
take five minutes in the morning before
you even get out of bed
just to meditate for five minutes or or
just do a little bit of stretching
and once that feels a little bit more
like a habit
practice setting some of those
boundaries with your friends say guys i
need to take 10 more minutes to clean my
room or to just do this assignment then
we can go
nothing big
and when that feels a little bit less
daunting
next time you’re sitting with a friend
practice
listening to them without jumping in
and see just how much you can learn
about them
and throughout this journey i’ve learned
a lot about myself i’ve learned that
it’s really necessary for me
to take time for self-care
and i’ve noticed that
i thrive when
i’m able to set boundaries and say no
when i need to
and i’ve noticed that there’s nothing
weird
or embarrassing about sometimes choosing
to be the quiet one
but knowing what i know today
i want to take you all along with me
back to the beginning when i was that
little high school sophomore second year
wanting to be cool and impress my
classmates
and imagine me as i walk out
onto the concrete courtyard outside of
my cafeteria
and notice as i begin to feel
uncomfortable
but this time
instead of forcing myself through the
situation
i honor it
so i walk over to a tree
all the way at the end and i lay down
and i feel the prickle of the grass on
the back of my arms
and i realize that in this moment
i don’t feel left out
i feel peaceful
and i lift my head from the grass and
watch as everyone’s throwing the ball
and running around and laughing
i’ve realized that in this moment
it feels perfect
to be sitting back
and just being
and i’ve realized that once more
sometimes
the loudest thing
one can do
is sit back
and be quiet
[Applause]
you