Listening Ourselves Out of Polarization
[Music]
hi
today i’d like to talk to you about
the polarization in our world and
the solution to that a new language we
should learn
the triple e language we live in a
divided world
there’s a tsunami of polarization we
have discussions and debates
and the debates are win-lose
i am right you are wrong it’s all about
my views
my perceptions are elevated to the truth
and even the intolerance is even that
far going that we cannot imagine that
something else could be thought
that the other thoughts are
inconceivable we see it also on social
media
where the positional thinking and
discussion like
twitter is going wild and
this has emerged obviously
to a large extent with the trumpest era
in the united states but even before
that even here in belgium where we have
decades and decades of experience with
discussions
between the flemish and the francophones
but not
understanding each other and it’s gotten
worse
with all the challenges that touch us as
a society
climate energy and recently covet 19 how
to deal with corona
discussions where everyone is starting
from their own right their
own position and there’s no listening
towards each other and
we see it also at universities there’s
many many polarizations
and debates in the academ academic world
and you you know you want to you want to
get an example there’s plenty of
examples
and i don’t want to give an example
because the moment i give an example
the polarization will start and i’m here
sitting in a monologue
and we need a dialogue to get
over this polarization so we are trapped
into a divided world and we
need to get out and the solution to get
out is precisely
to try to engage in a true dialogue
and to do that you need to learn and to
speak
a new language it’s a triple e language
the esperanto
of emotions and empathy i i once wrote
that we should start with this in
kindergarten
we don’t we’ve never learned that
language and so
i think there’s no better place than
university to start
learning and experimenting experimenting
with this new language
so university i’m sitting here in my
office at the university of leuven
this is a university that was
established
in 1425 we’re almost six centuries
around and so in the middle ages
universities were a community of
scholars and students
a learning community and in the early
ages
first universities in europe like
bologna and paris were about the 12th
century even
there were no buildings there was
university was
um without physical space a connection
a bonding of scholars and students a
community
and i think corona if corona has thought
is one thing
it is that we can that we don’t need
buildings and physical spaces that we
can go
beyond the the boundaries of buildings
and that we can connect
with each other in the digital world and
that’s where i think we should start
the new true dialogue dialogue what is
it
because i say the polarization and the
divide comes from discussion
debate win-lose positional thinking
dialogue is something totally different
dia in greek
through the words and in ancient greek
logos may even refer to gathering
together
relationships so it’s a dialogue is a
stream
is a flow of meaning a flow of words
between and true and among us and it is
like
where through such connection
in relationships between people
through such connections all the
differences of opinions
kind of evaporate and emerge into a new
meaning
dialogue is not about
getting my opinion as
the the truth dialogue is more about
suspending my opinion and listening to
other opinions and views
and then together find with creativity
a new way a new understanding a new
connection so there’s others saying that
dialogue is like the outer counterpart
of the inner non-judgmental awareness
and mindfulness
it is the connection and the
communication you make by the
the miracle of wonder by the questioning
by opening up yourself and not sticking
to your own positions and opinions
and you may say well you know this all
sounds nice but it’s very
abstract so let’s make it more concrete
how can we
engage in a true dialogue that is by
speaking a new language
the triple e language of the esperanto
of emotions and empathy so how do we do
that
what what does that exactly mean uh
emotions and empathy and speaking that
new language it’s through active
listening
so let’s first think about what empathy
is there’s a lot of misunderstanding on
empathy
some confuse it with sympathy it’s not
sympathy
it’s not agreeing my my mentor
and and professor and friend professor
nukin
he many years ago told me i’ll i can
demonstrate empathy
as a jewish law professor at harvard law
school to
a nazi ss officer so that’s certainly
not sympathy
or agreeing it’s demonstrating that you
can see
the world through the eyes of that other
person that you can
understand their perspective on things
and so when we try to connect
we need to try to listen actively
and you may say well i’m doing that well
you’re not because
and and i certainly can witness that i
often don’t do it and maybe even now at
this very moment you’re watching this
clip
you are not really listening to me
you are in your head thinking lots of
things and you may be referring to
experience you had
and you may be maybe even daydreaming or
you may try to find arguments against
what i’m saying
or you may say that’s not like me or oh
i know all of this
whatever you’re thinking you’re not
listening to me
active listening is about shutting up
your inner voice
it’s about getting out of this
judgmental
biased perception of the world it’s
about opening up
and really be with the other side you
know we all
judge all the time and judging obviously
has a benefit as a shortcut in a
dangerous society to protect yourself
society today is a bit less dangerous so
we we should judge less but we are still
stuck with the judging
and so when we see another person when
we engage and and talk with another
person
we immediately start judging from our
own perceptions and our biases everyone
who read canaan and turski knows about
the biases
and the tunnel vision we have and so we
should
try with active listening get rid of
these judgments
the other person is a diamond with one
thousand facets how can we
judge that person if we only see three
facets
and then you can ask but okay how do i
do that
i tried to shut up my inner voice i
tried to be with the other side and i
tried to really
listen and demonstrate my empathy
we do that by using the empathy loop
ipa is not only a beer it’s also
a very interesting skill to try to
listen to someone
inquire with open questions paraphrase
what you hear in your own words
check in so that i can adapt and
fine-tune and correct you if you didn’t
get it right
and then acknowledge the feelings you
see and hear and feel
and what will happen if you do that in a
genuine way is that other that other
person will feel understood
acknowledged they will become more
positive
he will share information and views and
perceptions
and at some point they will open up and
then you will be able to give your views
so in that sense the the active
listening
is a tool to generally connect with
someone else and i use
often the frozen land metaphor to
explain this better
imagine you see a farmer standing on a
frozen land
with a big bag of seeds and he’s
throwing all his seeds
on that land you will probably say hmm
this is a silly man why and then the
silly man tells you no no no i’m
throwing my seeds
flowers and vegetables will grow and you
think that’s silly the ground is frozen
well you know that’s exactly what you
and i do
when we listen when we try to persuade
someone
with our arguments we are like the silly
farmer throwing seeds on the frozen land
so active listening and empathy is about
working on the land opening it up
defrosting it
fertilizing it so that the other side
feels acknowledged
and then you can bring in your arguments
your seeds and see
if you can get somewhere with a dialogue
um it’s also about the emotions
in the active listening i like the you
know we are
95 emotions and we are very
emotional beings and i like the saying
of douglas null who says let’s
listen each other into existence which
means
i see it you are frustrated you are
disappointed you are angry
you are hurt you are
you know you’re irritated you’re
frustrated you’re happy
when i can do this in a genuine way
i connect with you and with your soul in
a
i i listen yourself into existence
and when we do that together for each
other that’s when we speak the new
language
and that’s where we engage in a dialogue
where something new will emerge
it’s like when we start the conversation
and i have a glass of water and you have
a glass of water
by doing this we kind of end up with a
new glass
of liquids where there’s some of mine
and some of your water but something
totally new
has emerged and then
you know universities should stimulate
that that kind of dialogue
learn us to speak that language of true
understanding and empathy
and listening to each other and
universities can stimulate that
by creating safe spaces safe spaces it’s
a delicate topic
it has many meanings there is the safe
space
where people who have been historically
discriminated against can
be together in a safe way where there’s
no judgments
and where they can support each other i
think universities should create
environments like that where you can
feel the empathy
and work on the emotional
security that you deserve and the
support you deserve for the wounds
and the hurt that has been committed in
so many many many instances
and then the university should also
create a safe space where the real true
dialogue
can emerge it’s a safe space where
differences of opinions
are flowing and floating around where
there’s differences of beliefs
and where there’s a safety
where that protects you uh to
to to be able to engage in free speech
safety
you know you will be tolerated there
will be respect and empathy for your
views and opinions
and so it at the same time it’s a
non-safe space because you can
engage in a non-safe dialogue you can
talk about
very delicate and intense things and
you’re sure
that there’s psychological safety for
you to speak up
and there will be respect for your views
and tolerance
and if you have this this dialogue of
empathy for each other then
uh what will happen is that this this
connection uh this dialogues this
thinking true relationships
will emerge and there will be a
connection
in free speech so for me the protection
of free speech
is not so much as it was uh
defended in the enlightenment the the
right for you to insult me the right for
you to offend me i think
we we kind of took it to the next level
where the free speech is about
i could say what my views are my
opinions are because
i’m in a safe place where you
will give me the empathy and i will give
you the empathy and we will respectfully
listen to each other talk with each
other with not to each other
we will dialogue and a new meaning will
emerge so
my hope and my call for all academics
and and students in universities around
the globe is that we together we engage
in speaking this new triple e language
the esperanto of
emotions and empathy that we stop
discussing that we stop debating that we
stop
positional argumentations that we stop
the intolerance that we start
really connecting and listening to each
other with empathy
that is what universities are about
creating new understanding in research
creating new understanding in
relationships in connections with people
and that is what we as academics can
contribute to society
a society that is in desperate need for
guidance to escape
out of the polarization that is softly
killing all of us
so let’s speak up together tripoli thank
you