What Bulimia Taught Me.
hi
so this is not how i imagine doing a ted
talk
and it’s not how i think any of us
imagined this year
was going to be but i am here
and i’m going to share my story with you
14 years ago i was handcuffed to a bed
i had my clothes taken off me and i was
put in a gown
and i had my belongings taken i had just
been admitted to a psychiatric ward
because
i tried to numb my pain permanently
that was probably the first time
that i felt that visual image i had just
given you
i felt matched what was going on for me
inside
trapped and handcuffed
do you remember the first time you ever
felt
emotional pain or
did something to ease that pain numb it
i do and i was 10 years old
and i was going to my dance class and i
had my favorite t-shirt on
it was two little ducks and
uh they looked like little belly dancers
and i thought i’ll be able to wear this
today
so i went confidently into my dance
class and my teacher said to me
oh that’s a really cute shirt i said
thank you
because it was but you’re gonna have to
take it off
and i remember just freezing in that
moment thinking
but then you’ll see me and i’ll be
exposed and my stomach dropped
if you can imagine whatever age you are
just standing in a leotard with your
peers how exposing that can be
and what that feels like and
i couldn’t cope with that i wanted to do
everything i was doing
but i also knew that i couldn’t cope
with the pain that came with it
so how’d you deal with that my mom came
and picked me up
and i begged her i
probably threw a massive tantrum to get
what i wanted
so i begged her to take me to mcdonald’s
and
i went to mcdonald’s and she waited
outside i ran in
i got a happy meal but as quickly as i
said can i have a happy meal
i asked for a burger on the side and
when i got that food
i took that burger and i unwrapped it
and then i inhaled it
so fast i threw the rubbish away
and got into the car like nothing had
happened and continued to eat
my happy meal
i had forgotten what happened in that
dance class
that was the beginning of me numbing
myself and my pain
i love hockey even though i was a
professional golfer hockey was my first
love
and i just
i just loved it it’s my favorite sport
and so when i was selected to play for
scotland at 14
it was the best thing ever i can still
feel that excitement today
we were coming back from the european
championships and our coach was giving
us one-to-one feedback constructive
feedback you know
for the next few years that we could
work on moving forward so
i was looking forward to that i’d also
scored my first goal
for scotland and that was so exciting
so i went in there eager to hear what
she had to say
i cannot remember what she said to me
apart from this
she said watch your weight
watch your weight i mean i don’t even
know what that means today if i say to
someone what’s your weight
and i said to her am i fat
and she said no but just watch it
and i’m thinking i’m now not working or
thinking about any skills
or anything like that now all i’m
thinking is
i need to watch my weight that was the
most important thing
enter bulimia
bulimia let me tell you about bulimia
and shatter
any illusion or idea you might have
around it
it’s not talked about enough
and it’s super important
it’s super important to hear about it
because it’s a very hidden
hidden disease bulimia
creates an immense amount of shame when
you already have
a huge amount of shame it teaches us to
lie
to deceive to manipulate you always have
to be three steps ahead of
something god forbid you get found out
it also i also found myself
performing because i had to hide myself
so i was never ever myself i was so
disconnected from myself i was putting
on performances daily
um so as an actor i knew how to do that
give you an example so i went into the
grocery store the supermarket
and i picked up the trolley because we
don’t use a
basket when you’re bulimic and you’re
binging you need a trolley
and i filled it up with all the food
that i knew that would
go down easily and come up easily
trust me i’ve learned the hard way with
that and i go up to the
to the checkout and
i suddenly would see someone behind me
and the cashier
and then i thought i need to hide this
they might find out that i’m going to go
to my car and binge on this and throw up
it was probably the furthest things from
their minds but you become so
self-consumed
and that’s all you can think about so i
picked up my phone
which i’d already put on silent
and i said hi it’s just to say i’ve i’ve
got all the food for the party
do i okay yeah leaving enough pause by
the way
for the person to answer even though no
one was there
aha brilliant oh shall i get some extra
chocolate bars
great okay bye
and i’d hang up the phone and i’d put
some extra chocolate bars that i’d spied
because i thought i might miss out on
them
i would turn around and i say i’m so
sorry about that i’ve got a party
they’d be like it’s okay and i’d get my
food
and i’d smile because once again no one
knew
and i go to my car i drive to the other
end of the car park
and i put out my food and i’d eat my
food
and i’d take a drink i’d open the car
door and i throw up
i’d eat drink throw up
i was eating over every emotion you can
imagine
and i was throwing up everything you can
imagine
what i felt about myself what i thought
you felt about me
i was getting rid of it all so i didn’t
have to feel it i was getting rid of it
so badly until my
throat was so raw and i was throwing up
blood
throwing up till i felt empty inside i
had nothing to feel
and then i took my rubbish and i tied it
up and i threw it down and i throw it
away and leave it
just like how i felt about myself trash
rubbish
and i get in a car and drive away
and that that was what i thought
helped me do what i wanted to do but now
i was out of control it was controlling
me
it was doing the exact opposite i was
numbing my whole life
in recovery i hear stories from people
who
have talked about how scared they’ve got
at times when they’ve either binged or
been eating in the car or doing
something and they’ve almost crashed
i did crash i totaled my car and i
nearly killed myself
and i could have hurt other people and
that’s when i realized this is
so far out of my control because i only
wanted to hurt myself i never ever
intended hurt other people
but that was now happening so what do
you do
what do you do when it’s so out of
control
and you can’t stop it
i said to my mum
i said mum i’m going to die
i need help and that was
probably the most fearless thing i’ve
ever done in my life
was ask for that help
and it was as simple and as hard as that
i didn’t know the hard work was about to
start i also didn’t know that life was
going to get absolutely incredible
and amazing
and i didn’t know to get
to a great life i had to feel pain i had
to move
through the pain i had to feel my
emotions to get there
and that’s hard
so
to get there how do you get there
honestly not just going to therapy
i had to be completely honest with
myself now this is very difficult
when i have been trying to hide since
about the age of six
i would tell strangers that my name was
victoria
and they would go up to my mom and say
oh we just met your daughter victoria my
mom would be like
victoria my daughter’s susanna
so even at that age i’ve already been
trying to hide who i am
so and it’s not even the honesty of what
you might say to your best friend you
like my new haircut
i’m talking about an honesty that is so
deep that i wasn’t even aware of
and honestly that isn’t i threw up 15
times today i broke my diet
i binged it was an honest day of
why why did i go
to binge why did i eat what was
what happened that made me feel that i
need to punish myself
in any shape or form what was the actual
feelings that rigorous
honesty is what i was being taught
to do a few months ago
i i was asked
no a few months ago i was told that
surely
i regret my bulimia because it’s taken
years of my life away
not one bit there’s not one bit of me
that regrets my bulimia
it has not taken life
years away from me it’s given me years
years that now i look forward to where i
don’t
diet i’m not constantly
going to diet clubs or
just solely focused on my weight
or trying to numb my pain don’t get me
wrong
like there are moments when if i get
stressed
the old voices will come in and say
you need to eat something or my favorite
is you need to lose weight
because that will sort it out it won’t
sort it out i don’t need to lose weight
what i need to do is deal with the
feeling
it took up so much head headspace and
actually stopped me doing whatever i
wanted to do with my life
recovery has taught me amazing things
and i’m still learning these things and
i think one of the most important things
that it’s taught me
is about the power of connection
my granny died in april and i was very
close to her
and she always said two things to me
every single day
keep structure and keep connection and
those are two of the
things that actually help my recovery
today especially connection because the
more i found i connect with other people
and share my story the more i hear about
them
the more empathy i have for other people
less judgmental i become
but it wasn’t just about connection to
other people i had to connect with
myself
and as a bulimic i was separated
and as i told you i was throwing up i
mean at the worst i was throwing up 15
times a day
and my teeth were starting to
disintegrate disintegrate
i couldn’t i couldn’t digest
any food at all every time i wanted
recovery i just would relapse
so i had to trust something that
i’ve never i don’t know the outcome to
and that was to relearn to eat to trust
that
i could live a life without being
dependent
on something to numb my feelings or
control my weight
and it does work and it did work and it
is working because i’m here telling you
about it today
but that’s only because i keep that
constant connection with myself as well
i had to relearn to eat just i had to go
back to probably i would say how a baby
learns to eat
i had to eat foods that
i hadn’t been taught were good for me i
thought salads and veg are what i
was meant to eat i didn’t realize my
body couldn’t digest
salads are pretty hard to digest you
wouldn’t give a baby a salad
so i had to eat foods that would help my
digestion
and i started to learn that while i do
that and learn about that i start to
feel better
and as i started to feel better i
started to move my body
i started to want to take care of my
body i started to see changes and all
that kind of
worked together i started to feel better
in my head
and i didn’t want to lie i didn’t want
to deceive i didn’t want to manipulate
so recovery
is always a work in progress but it’s
really
is really important and
that connection to yourself
and to other people is something that
i will always deeply nurture my friend
shared with me a quote
and that she had heard and i want to
share with you too
because it really hits home for me and i
hope it might with you
it’s one day we are going to die
together
and i want to live knowing
that i loved you
so thank you