Escaping the Hedonism Trap
have you ever found yourself in a
situation in life
and wondered how you got there if so
you might have asked yourself how did i
get here
how did i let things go so far and how
can i find a way out
in a world full of distractions
temptations and challenges
anyone can find themselves in that
position
we’re subjected to constant distraction
24 7 news is relentless much of it
stimulating some sort of emotional
reaction
our smartphones interrupt us throughout
the day with notifications
americans on average check their phones
96 times a day that’s once
every 10 minutes social media is
ubiquitous
and has been designed to grab and keep
our attention through manipulative
techniques
to marketers attention is a major
currency
and we’re constantly bombarded with
messages
about how to spend our time and money
for greater happiness
the malleability of our brains through
neuroplasticity
makes us vulnerable to these external
distractions and stimuli
alvaro pasqual leone professor of
neurology at harvard medical school
likens our plastic brains to play-doh
if for example you have some play-doh in
the shape of a square
make it into a ball and then back into a
square
it will not be the exact same square
that you had to begin with as pasquale
leon puts it
the system is plastic not elastic
a rubber band for example can be
stretched and then revert to its
original shape
our brains however which are plastic are
altered
by each experience encounter and
interaction
whilst there are many positive aspects
to neuroplasticity
it does make our brains vulnerable to
external influences
alcohol drugs and pornography tempt us
with euphoric highs or at least some
relief
from the pain and nui of life’s
challenges
alcohol is easily accessible promising
good times
an escape from the harsh edges of life
and a simple way to fill the void
of inner emptiness but
as an case and angus dayton illustrating
their work
alcohol abuse is a significant
contributor to the growing epidemic
of deaths of despair in america
as alcohol fails to deliver on its
promises of a better life
drugs like cocaine hijack the dopamine
system
giving users pleasure without having to
work for it
potentially leading them to addiction
and health issues in both body and mind
pornography can also act like an
addictive substance
as norman deutsch writes pornographers
promise
healthy pleasure and a relief from
sexual tension
what they often deliver is an addiction
tolerance and eventual decrease in
pleasure
through the internet the most hardcore
forms of pornography
are more accessible than ever leading
some users to develop
tastes that actually discuss them
affecting their sexual potency
and relationships
because of the world we live in
anyone can unwittingly become enslaved
by the pursuit of pleasure
at some point in their lives like
pinocchio and the boys on pleasure
island
who unexpectedly found themselves
turning into jackasses
it’s little wonder then that the
unthinking indulgence in pleasure
is the primary means of social control
in the dystopia
of aldous huxley’s brave new world
the world is too full of distractions
and temptations
and our brains too vulnerable to
external influences
to leave the governance of our lives to
chance
it’s not just bad people who can
sleepwalk their way into what i call
the hedonism trap anyone can
this is not a confession this is the
story of how i sleep walked my way into
the hedonism trap
and how i then escaped the trap
before i started university i lived in
madagascar for two years
completing a voluntary service mission
it was a life
changing experience as i focused on
meeting the needs of others
building houses working on the land
teaching
and ultimately empowering others
but life changed significantly when i
returned home
and started university all of a sudden
i was a single man with no one to care
for but myself
in the midst of the distractions and
temptations
of university life
i define hedonism as the pursuit of
pleasure
as an end in itself in practice it means
putting
personal desires pleasure before the
needs of others
and that’s how i was living my life i
was living for the weekend
living for my own pleasure and
ultimately living for myself
i didn’t do anything heinously wrong but
nonetheless i was ensnared
by a hedonistic mindset
so what you might ask what’s wrong
with living a hedonistic lifestyle
what’s the problem
with pursuing pleasure as an end in
itself
greek philosopher and one of the first
known proponents
of a form of hedonism epicurus had an
answer to that question
when he wrote the things that make for
pleasure
in certain cases entail disturbances
many times greater than the pleasures
themselves
epictetus a greek stoic
who came after epicurus was critical
of epicurean hedonism
seeing its root to nihilism as
inevitable
but i was unaware of both epicurus’s
caveat
to the pursuit of pleasure and epictetus
thoughts on the perils
along the hedonist’s path
i distinctly remember one saturday night
lying on my bed all alone
it was rare for me to be alone on a
saturday night
i was good at avoiding my own company
when i wasn’t studying
but there i was all alone in my room
with nothing but my thoughts and the
deafening
silence of loneliness for company
it was in that silence that i realized
just how alone i really was
and not just in that situation
i felt like i was trapped suffocating
but not knowing how to get out or how to
get air
hedonism had taken me to emptiness i had
no purpose
my life felt worthless i had little
desire to be alive
it was one of the darkest moments of my
life hedonism had indeed
led me to nihilism nothingness
i didn’t like who i’d become
i wanted to reconnect with my best self
my values and to live a life of purpose
meaning and fulfillment
i wanted to feel alive again i wanted to
build stronger connections with others
i didn’t want to be alone anymore i
actually wanted to be married
but felt like i was a million miles away
from reaching that goal
i was stuck knew that i needed to make
big changes and that i needed guidance
along the way
i couldn’t do it on my own
thankfully i met a wise and caring
mentor
who empowered me to transform my
feelings
of shame and remorse into a strong
desire and commitment
to change
there were three stages to the mentoring
process
light love and transformation
the purpose of light is to show things
as they really are
exposing things that have hidden in the
shadows
as stephen r covey put it light is the
greatest disinfectant
and growth agent with that in mind the
earliest mentoring sessions
were the most uncomfortable they held a
mirror up
to who i was and the reflection wasn’t
always pretty
who do you love tom
i remember the question clearly and was
confident that i could give a rock solid
answer
my mom that was my immediate almost
unthinking reply
in an incredulous tone who doesn’t love
their mother i thought
as we discussed what love means in
practice however
i realized that my answer wasn’t as rock
solid
as i wanted it to be i had work to do
the second stage of the mentoring
process was love
i needed to learn what love really is
and how to put it into practice
love is the antithesis of hedonism
love means putting the needs of others
before
personal desires and pleasure in
practice it means serving others to meet
their needs
love is a verb a doing word
in practice it might be as simple as
showing genuine interest in others
it doesn’t have to be a monumental grand
gesture but it should be
meaningful sincere and consistent
asking what his favorite colour is
that was an assignment that my mentor
gave me in relation to a teenage boy i
knew
why simply to begin a habit
of cultivating genuine interest in
others
that is where love begins
the third stage of the mentoring process
transformation
is where i would escape the hedonism
trap
my transformation happened as i made
love
serving others a regular habit in order
to do so however
i had to change how i spent my time
where i spent it and who i spent it with
love had to replace old habits
that had led me to and kept me stuck in
the trap
i had to answer the question who can i
serve
a foundational question in creating a
life of purpose
meaning and fulfillment moving away from
hedonism
personal pleasure and towards love the
needs of others
but transformation wasn’t easy
it will be worth it in the end
that was the promise that my mentor made
me
as i did the work and went through the
pain of
change and transformation he repeated
that promise
more than once giving me the hope that i
needed
to continue the process at the toughest
points
and it was a promise that was fulfilled
i still remember one date night
being sat in a restaurant when i knew in
my heart
and in my mind that the girl i was
dating would be my wife
it was an incredible moment of
realization
that my former self that had slumped so
low in the hedonism trap was gone
and that a new self that was capable of
loving and being loved
had replaced it
i was elated that moment of realization
and elation
stood in stark contrast to that lonely
saturday night
that marked the crisis point at the
beginning of my transformation journey
my wife and i have been married for just
over 10 years now
and what’s more is that as i’ve
continued to explore who i can serve
i’ve learned more about the unique
contribution that i can make
through my own work as a mentor living a
life of purpose meaning and fulfillment
while empowering others to do the same
through personal transformation
if you feel like you are stuck in the
hedonism trap
or on your way there then remember that
it’s not just
bad people who can fall into the trap
in a world full of distractions
temptations and challenges
anyone can but anyone can escape the
trap
through love putting the needs of others
before personal desires and pleasure
and answering the question who can i
serve
each of us is uniquely qualified to
serve
contribute and love
the world needs your contribution
specific people
need your contribution and for your
contribution
you will be rewarded with a life of
purpose meaning
and fulfillment so
who will you love
thank you