Revolutionary Self Love
[Music]
[Applause]
i divorced the white man and married the
revolution
i committed to liberation i got a
restraining order from machismo and said
i do to women getting their wings myself
included
i vow to be a reason why this world is
better for our children and our
children’s children
i promise to not believe that my beauty
is tied to my silence
my beauty is tied to my power and how
well i’ve learned to love myself this is
the genesis of my own revolution
this story starts in my grandmother’s
swimming pool
it was just me my mom and mithita
i was recently divorced i really did
divorce the white man
yeah
i know
and i was spending the summer in l.a
i was walking towards the diving board
and i could feel my grandmother looking
me up and down
she asked me now that you’re divorced
what are you doing with your life
who asked that
but proudly on the top of the diving
board i told her i’m designing a course
on intersectional feminism for my
master’s program i dove in and when i
resurfaced i could tell that she was
ready to fight
she’s like
instead of doing your feminism stuff you
need to close your legs and find
yourself a good man to restore your
value
see then spent the next 20 minutes
telling me all the things that i
shouldn’t be doing
like being myself expressing myself and
doing what makes me happy
she told me that the beautiful
respectable women didn’t look act or
speak like me
she was afraid that if people aka men
saw me be so wild and free they wouldn’t
take me seriously and they just used me
i stopped and i said them they don’t use
me
i make the calls i do what i want who i
want when i want and i do it all with
self-love i stopped doing things that
didn’t feel loving to me anymore
that’s why i got the divorce i started a
business i wrote two books i’m getting
my masters in marriage and family
therapy and most importantly i’m healing
that adds value to my life a man is
irrelevant compared to all that
she was looking at me like
i was speaking a different language
saying words that nobody had taught her
after she recovered from her shock she’s
like
i don’t know if i should slap you
or clap for you she’s like i’ve never
met a woman like you
my mom this whole time was sitting in
the corner in the shallow end quiet
stuck in between this intergenerational
kerfuffle she didn’t want to be as harsh
as her mom and yet her daughter was
going against everything she was taught
on the car ride home
i felt like i had wings
i finally spoke up for myself and i did
not internalize that shame that they
were projecting
i felt like my self-love was working my
mom finally spoke up and she’s like you
know how your teeth can be
how many times do i have to tell you
you look most beautiful when you’re
quiet
too many times
almost every latina has heard this
phrase
yet women all over the world have felt
this one way or another it’s a lie that
tells us that we are most beautiful when
we’re quiet
it tells us that we’re meant to be
looked at not heard
it is a lie that is passed on from one
generation to the next
it is so woven into our culture that
sometimes we don’t realize how harmful
it truly is
the first time you mommy told me that
she was weaving my hair into braids and
i complained because she was pulling too
hard she said it so casually because
it’s something that her mommy taught her
and her mommy’s mommy taught her
soon i started to tell it to myself
this is a lie i internalized and it
became a false truth that silenced me
for most of my life
i grew up being afraid of my voice
afraid of my truth
even when the abuse started
at nine i stood quiet because i was
afraid that if i spoke up i’d be doing
something wrong
or
it would be i turned ugly and nobody
would want me so i stayed quiet and the
abuse continued for years
i learned at the age of nine what the
ache of a voice that begs to be heard
feels like but yet i would numb it out
shut it out and put on the biggest smile
i mastered the art of self-silencing and
concealment
they held my hand as i walked down the
aisle a week after graduating college
because it’s what good girls did
i stayed quiet when the marriage turned
oppressive i shrunk as a white man took
up more and more space
i felt like i was drowning and my flame
was fading
i
hid behind trying to be a good quiet
bonita too many girls and women have
mastered this art of hiding and
shrinking themselves as an act of
survival it’s what we’re taught we’re
supposed to do studies show that latinas
are at an increased risk for depression
and anxiety and we’re not receiving the
treatment we need when you teach girls
to be quiet you don’t teach them how to
advocate for themselves or communicate
their needs i didn’t even know i had
needs until a therapist told me
we were raised to take care of everybody
but ourselves
these studies show that the major
factors contributing to this increased
risk were self-concealment
self-silencing and low self-esteem
when you raise nina’s to internalize
oppression
you you dictate how you they see
themselves and how they take up space in
this world it impacts our sense of self
worth agency it often leads us to
unhealthy relationships or perpetuate
those cycles of oppression and abuse
that we grew up seeing and believing we
deserve
i have a thea and i’m sure we all have a
deal like this who would wake up make
everybody breakfast go to her mom’s
house take care of her go to work teach
kindergarten pick up her grandkids make
them lunch clean the house make dinner
clean the house again and stay up way
past midnight
ironing her husband’s clothes his
underwear included
one night i stayed up with her and i was
like dia
are you
happy she
she laughed and she didn’t even look up
when she said ai mika
happiness has nothing to do with it
i remember thinking i don’t want a life
or a marriage in which happiness has
nothing to do with it
i started to think about the women in my
family and a lot of them were in lives
and marriages and happiness was not an
option
this turned into cycles that turned into
trauma that was passed down through the
veins of one generation to the next and
i knew i wanted healing to pass through
my veins
in order to do this i had to love myself
first
the thing was i didn’t know how
there was not a self-love manual for
mujeres like me
the things that the self-help book said
and the white therapist said didn’t seem
to fit
so i stopped looking for manuals and i
just started to ask myself how will i
love myself today
when making decisions big or small i’d
base my answer on what was most loving
to me
soon i learned that i had feelings i had
needs i stopped being numb
these feelings were heavy as my heart
and my body started to speak to me and
tell me i need this i want that
that hurt
don’t do that again
i love that
i started to speak up
and even though my voice trembled i felt
powerful for the first time
i realized
i unearthed my inner guerrera my inner
warrior woman
and i vowed i will never be a kayata
again
i’d rather have people think i’m ugly
and love myself than be quiet and
beautiful the rest of my life
i learned with this question of how will
i love myself today
that led me to my power it led me to
myself and it taught me to divorce all
that wasn’t loving to me and commit to
fully loving myself
the more i stepped into power the more i
stepped into love and i realized
i am a walking revolution
i gave myself wings
[Applause]
okay calm down now
[Music]
i wanted these swings for the ninas and
mujeres everywhere
silence will not be our home
we become a revolution when we love
ourselves enough to heal and give
ourselves wings
this world needs more mujeres who love
themselves and see the beauty in using
their voice
this is the generation that breaks the
silence and uses their voice
this is a generation that commits to
loving themselves as an act of evolution
we will be a reason why we stop passing
on that liquid
we want to see ninas mommies diaz
abuelas mujeres fully loving themselves
and stepping into their power
we stand on the shoulders of queer trans
black indigenous women of color who have
fought for you me and these wings
it is time
you start to ask yourself how will you
love yourself today
every revolution starts from within it
is time you unearth that inner guerrera
because without women
there is no revolution
thank you
[Applause]
you