Youre Worthy of Being Loved Falling in Love With Myself Again
[Music]
i grew up in a very small town
my parents were very protective of me
but they did not really get along with
each other i was raised by my
grandparents
but my parents loved me you know the
kind of love
that suffocates you and
they were all about me i mean i’d like
to believe that
they actually loved me except they never
said it out loud
my father is a mathematician
and naturally he expected me to be just
like him i mean the apple can’t fall
too far from the tree right but little
did he know
this was a different orchard altogether
he homeschooled me and he would often
say things like
you don’t even understand this simple
problem you’re too stupid to be my
daughter
and i believed him i genuinely believed
that i wasn’t worthy of his affection
because i was not good at math
i was not into math and sciences if you
can’t already tell
i loved languages i had a passion for
languages and i loved stories
i read a lot of fiction i started
writing poem
at the age of 12 not really my best
works but it was a lot of fun
when my father was building this world
of
co-signs and pie around me i was
building characters in my head
i loved building characters
when he wasn’t around i would be whoever
i wanted to be
fast forward 10 years i fell in love
but i was soon made to realize that i am
not really the wife material
because to code cardi b
i don’t cook i don’t clean and i don’t
really
deserve the ring because
that’s expected of you
in order to be a good wife you have to
know these certain things
so i believed that i didn’t deserve
to be loved i didn’t deserve to be
someone’s
wife fast forward another
three years i fell in love once again
and this time i was made to realize
that i don’t look like a las vegas girl
i don’t have the look i don’t have full
lips i don’t have
breasts and hips and all that i’m very
petite
and i was offered money to get them done
i refused i mean clearly
but i believed that i am
never gonna find love because i’m not
worthy of it i’m not
perfect in any way
you know brene brown once said one day
you will tell your story of how you
overcame what you went through
and it will be someone else’s survival
guide
now she believes in telling our tales
she believes in the power of
vulnerability because there is something
to it right
once we talk about the things that we’ve
been through it somehow empowers us
sets us free
i realized my according to my therapist
i was struggling a lot as a young adult
because
i didn’t really receive any affection
from my father
and i was trying to seek validation from
older men
in order to fulfill that emotional void
created by my father and i was trying
hard i was trying so hard that i forgot
to love myself
i began to love someone so much
that i wasn’t even my priority i wasn’t
even
on the list so in those relationships
they lied and i believed them
they cheated i didn’t say anything
they abused i listened
because i thought i deserved it
somehow this is all my fault there is
something wrong with me
so in my last relationship i was asked
babe if i give you ten thousand dollars
right now what would you change about
yourself
i was appalled i was not expecting that
question
but in the back of my head i thought wow
i really need to change myself the way i
look physically
to earn this man’s love
and i remember i called my mom and i was
crying on the phone
and i and i told her i want plastic
surgery
and my mom said
if you change the way you look perhaps
he will like you
a little more but will you be able to
love yourself
and that’s when i said no because i’m
gonna have to look at myself in the
mirror
every day and i will be reminded
that i was flawed and i changed
the way i looked because this man
never really loved me for who i am
i was in love with him
and according to my i’m no expert
but he is somehow
he was the one i looked up to
i respected him i wanted to be the
perfect
girlfriend i wanted to be his perfect
girl
his dream girl just the way i wanted to
be
my father’s dream child the perfect
daughter when i finally broke up with
him
because i was losing myself i had lost
all my self-esteem
remember crying on my friend’s shoulder
and asking him
what is wrong with me why can i not find
love
and he said that’s because you’re
looking for it
everywhere else but within yourself
we don’t know why people do what they do
we can predict them we can
predict situations we can’t control our
surroundings or events
sometimes bad people do bad things just
because they can
i’m not saying that my ex is a bad
person not necessarily
but he was not good for me and that’s
where it comes it’s not really you
why people behave the way they behave
has nothing to do with you
it might be due to their own
insecurities because they want to
satisfy their own
ego or they just don’t care about others
feelings
but it has nothing to do with you
and
then comes the final stage
of the grief cycle as they say the most
talked about stage acceptance
accepting everything that has happened
to you
as i said there is some power to it the
moment
you start speaking out loud about the
things
you’ve been through it sets you free
so yes it’s very important to just
realize you’ve been
i was in an abusive relationship i was
heartbroken i was depressed
all of that happened to me and i
accepted
i no longer want to stay in denial and
keep thinking about i could have done
something differently
i could have changed him do people
really change
we don’t know that perhaps they do but i
can’t
keep waiting for that magical moment to
arrive when this person realizes how
amazing
i am and it’s too late because i’ve
already lost myself
it’s not your job to change someone
it’s not your job to wait for that long
to make them realize they’re about to
lose you
because by that time you’re gonna lose
yourself
now the tricky part falling in love with
yourself
it’s not easy it’s a long process it’s
day by day
week by week month by month
and it’s isolation it’s spending a lot
of time
with yourself it’s taking yourself out
on dates
it’s buying yourself flowers and gifts
but you have to learn to enjoy your own
company
it’s kind of like how dory says just
keep swimming just keep swimming you’re
alone
the flow was against you but now you
have to learn how to dance with the flow
because this is the only way that’s
going to make you
see yourself as who you are and you
don’t need
anyone to complete you
you are whole you are who you are
and there is no need for someone else to
show you
how amazing you are
now i remember um i was
asked to tell my story on a stage for an
audience and had said you know what i’m
not gonna stand here
and talk about how someone broke me
one day i will be whole and i will talk
about
how i built myself again and
here i am telling my story
now we’re gonna do something really
interesting
positive affirmations and you have to
repeat this after me
okay
love myself the way i am
i believe in myself i will stick to my
goals
i will be patient i will get there one
day
i am worthy i am
enough and
we are going to end this talk with a
poem about
acceptance
i’m not comfortable with anyone who’s
not comfortable with my story
our stories make us who we are
i was young i was selfish
i was foolish i was adamant i was naive
i was in love
i was confused i was terrified i was
threatened
i had been pushed and shoved i’m no
longer comfortable with anyone who
doesn’t want me for me
i come packaged pretty with all my
personalities
and you have to learn to love it all
it took me a long time to be comfortable
in my own skin
i learned to walk in my own shoes i
learned to take it all in
no i won’t let you in unless i know you
will accept me
there will be no judgments there will be
no why did you do this
because i’ve spent hours and hours
trying to explain myself
but i don’t owe any explanations
i have learned them the hard way but
have learned my lessons
now i won’t show you how vulnerable i
can get
unless i know i won’t be taken advantage
of
there was a time i would fall hard and
fast no i won’t fall now
unless i think it will last
no you won’t be in my life if you don’t
know my place
i’ll know the right one this time
because i’ve seen the wrong ones face
so many women are just afraid to be who
they are they’re afraid to speak
out thinking i don’t want to sound crazy
and lame
oh darling think what you would like i
won’t be one of them
i bear my scars with so much pride and
after
all that one day i will be
the perfect bride
no i’m not comfortable with anyone who’s
not comfortable with my stories
my stories make me who i am
and if you don’t want to understand them
well
then you’re not worth giving a damn