What does it mean to be man enough
i just wanted to fit in with the other
guys
that’s what 15 year old mike told me
said if i had nudes to show off
they’d like me and i’d be one of the
guys wouldn’t make fun of me anymore
he also said he wanted to be popular
later in our conversation
he’d admit feeling bad for the girls his
classmates some of them friends for
years whose trust he betrayed
by sharing those pictures he lost those
friends
and a year later some were still
avoiding him both in school and on
social media
it also sullied his reputation with his
teachers and coaches
he’d gone from being a nice kid to a
potential sexual predator
over and over he’d talk about how he
believed having nudes would make the
other guys
like him and think he was cool then
they’d hang out with him
he provided the goods but he didn’t get
the payoff the other guy still didn’t
hang out with him
mike had sacrificed his reputation and
his female friends privacy
for nothing i understood immediately as
a therapist who has worked extensively
with male youth and written about their
development
i knew mike was caught in one of
masculinity’s traps
he’d decided he was willing to take some
risks in order to be one of the guys
but mike didn’t really understand all
the risks he was taking
or the potential consequences that he
might find himself in
now mike had lots of advantages you
might call them privileges
and yet he was struggling to fit in or
to feel like he fit in
he was white good-looking and
upper-middle class
mike was athletic but he wasn’t
interested in playing football or
basketball so he was playing the wrong
sports
he was a pretty good student he had to
do some work to get those a’s and b’s
he was also a little socially awkward he
would misread people and he often said
the wrong thing
or sometimes he didn’t say anything at
all to avoid saying the wrong thing
but nudes mike could get nudes and with
pictures he really wouldn’t have to say
anything he could just show the pictures
and then he could get in with the cool
guys the guys who ruled his grade and
his seniors
the guys who would rule the school mike
never had a chance
masculinity wouldn’t allow it he was
both man enough
and not men enough here in 21st century
america
we all understand the guy needs to act
in a certain way to be seen as masculine
he needs to be independent tough and
ambitious he shouldn’t show his feelings
or be too concerned with his appearance
promiscuity and violence are allowed and
even encouraged in some circles
masculinity which i’ll define as our
culture’s expectations for boys and men
requires all guys to prove their
masculinity by conforming to these
expectations
these stereotypes or risk being seen as
not man enough
but once a guy is proved his masculinity
the target moves
and then he needs to prove that he’s not
just a man but a real man
and that’s where mike failed where he
started to be not man enough
see mike was an athlete but not a jock
and for masculinity that’s a very
important distinction
athletes are people who play at least
one sport jocks play at least one sport
but there’s more to it than that
they wear the jock uniform every day
sweats
clothes with the logos their favorite
teams even their own jerseys from the
teams they’re on or maybe a varsity
jacket
they also have a certain attitude and a
way of being a persona if you will
they talk about sports all the time
downplay the importance of academics
and they’re expected to engage in
so-called locker room talk that
denigrates women by positioning them as
sexual
objects and denigrates gay men by
positioning them as weak and effeminate
if you’re like andy from the breakfast
club on screen here
seeing a guy who’s fat and slow in your
locker room
maybe you tape his buns together because
you just find him
disgusting but in the world of boys and
men particularly teenage boys in
american high schools
these are the guys were at the top of
the pyramid these are the guys who
proved their masculinity
beyond a shadow of adele they’re the
real men and that’s the guys we’re all
supposed to want to be
in the world of masculinity scholars and
yeah that’s a thing
we talk about jocks as having the
hegemonic form of masculinity
because it’s presented as the ideal form
of masculinity
now as the people at the top of the
masculinity pyramid
jocks get certain perks they get high
status and the ability to influence
others
people want to be liked by the jocks or
at least be on their good side
jocks can also get the benefit of the
doubt from other kids and from the
adults around them
in theory jocks also get access to the
most attractive dating and sexual
partners
there are other forms of masculinity
that are also idealized here in the u.s
in the early 21st century
like tough guys and superheroes guys who
use violence to get their way
usually but not always in the service of
good
rebels who demonstrate their
independence and highly successful
business types become rich and powerful
and in today’s america one of the things
that distinguishes real men
from guys who are just man enough is
their attitude
the same way that attitude distinguishes
jocks from plain old athletes
that attitude says there’s no limits and
every approach should be considered
nothing is out of balance and that
attitude is why tony stark’s iron man is
cooler
than steve rogers captain america why
elon musk founder of tesla and spacex
is better than bill gates founder of
microsoft sure
they’re all men enough in many ways but
some of these guys
are closer to our image of a real man
than others
now any system that says some men are
real men
and others are just man enough leave
some guys
in second place we don’t think much of
guys who are average joes or family men
guys like ray romano from everybody
loves raymond
phil dunphy from modern family or even
chidi from the good place
they’re fine sure and they’re mad enough
but we don’t think of them as
real men because they’re well average
they’ve earned masculinity’s
participation award
their masculinity is categorized as
complicit not hegemonic
because they support masculinity
structure and occasionally get some of
the perks
or at least they hope they will now
there are other guides that don’t even
fit that
at least not in popular culture and not
in the lives of american high schoolers
nerds are the iconic image of guys who
aren’t man enough
we could also talk about soft boys and
emo guys among others
they’re at the bottom of masculinity’s
hierarchy masculinity scholars talk
about
their versions of masculinity as
subordinated even though nerds aren’t
men enough
they don’t really challenge the
definition of what it means to be a man
or be a real man
they play along subordination even
complicity can be subtle
the nerds we loved for all those years
on the tv show the big bang theory
they made fun of nerds and thus they
upheld masculinity structure
they were always putting themselves down
maybe we’re not so concerned about the
nerds because the nerds and the adults
around them
are all pretty clear those guys will do
all right as adults and some of them
like elon musk and bill gates may even
surpass the boundaries of nerd hood and
become
regular guys but other guys aren’t
allowed to compete for masculine status
at all
they’re not even in the system they’re
prevented from proving their masculinity
to begin with
may never have the opportunity to prove
that they’re real men
we talk about these guys as having a
marginalized masculinity
for example having a black masculinity a
but a masculinity that is rooted in
black culture instead of our mainstream
predominantly white culture
that’s one example the u.s has a history
of slavery
segregation and jim crow era laws that
are focused on keeping black men
on the margins this positioning of black
masculinity contributes to higher rates
of school suspensions of black boys
which starts as early as kindergarten it
also contributes to the relatively high
rates of arrest and
incarceration of black men and even
their relatively higher rates of being
homicide victims
including the killings of black men like
george floyd and trayvon martin
and if you stand up for those men as nfl
quarterback colin kaepernick did
you might find yourself moved from the
top of the pyramid
out to the margins although the recent
public reaction to mr floyd’s death
appears to be moving mr kaepernick back
towards the top of the hierarchy
but that’s not mike’s story mike wasn’t
marginalized in any way
he’s a 15 year old boy who doesn’t have
a severe medical condition or severe
mental health issue that makes him
obviously different
mike is required to participate in this
competition that we call masculinity
every day he receives reminders from his
parents his teachers his peers
including anyone who might want to date
the media and even retailers
about what he should and shouldn’t do
because he’s a guy
i didn’t ask mike but i’m pretty sure
he’d have told me that being a
vegetarian
playing clarinet liking taylor swift or
lady gaga
would all prevent him from earning
status as a real man
the competition is brutal even for a boy
like mike who fits many of our society’s
preferred or privileged categories he
paid with his reputation
he also did some serious damage to his
friends reputations
for mike the cost wasn’t that bad
because his parents
in the society that we live in provide
him with a safety net
at one point his parents even asked me
if they should have him change school so
he could start over
it’s good to have a safety net not
everybody gets that he wasn’t
at any risk of being reported to the fbi
or the police
as a sexual predator at age 15 he still
had plenty of opportunities to change
his life
think about what kind of man he wanted
to be
this system called masculinity applies
to almost all american boys and men
forcing them to first prove that they’re
men enough to qualify
and then man enough again to be seen as
real men the cost for other guys can be
much worse than they were for mike
we might imagine a 23 year old unmarried
man
who lives in his parents basement maybe
he’s employed although he doesn’t earn
enough to live on his own or with
roommates
maybe he’s not spends all his free time
online
23 he’s an adult but he’s definitely not
financially independent
so he’s not man enough maybe he’s just
down there playing video games and
hanging out with his friends online
but maybe he’s also a troll who vents
his frustrations
by targeting any member of a group he
thinks might have somehow contributed
to his difficulty finding a job that
pays him what he thinks he’s worth
we might also imagine a 45 year old
married father who’s always been
something of an average joe or a family
man
what happens to a guy like him when the
factory that he works at closes
or the stories manages closes or
otherwise he loses his job
there’s no other way for him to make a
living wage does he see himself
is no longer man enough because he can’t
provide for his family
and does he worry that’s how his family
sees him
perhaps we should ask if those opiates
that he started taking are about
physical pain
or if they’re really about the
psychological pain of failing to be man
enough
and what if we imagine a guy with a
marginalized masculinity
someone who’s never been able to prove
that he’s man enough let alone a real
man
that might be about race or ethnicity
but it might also be about being
atypical in some other important way
or maybe it’s just about family income
if we imagine a boy from a low income or
poor family
then we’re probably imagining he’s
attending an impoverished school
that won’t get him very far on the
educational system
if that boy lives in a big city there’s
a good chance the neighborhood also
features a high crime rate
higher than average rate of black and
brown families but if we imagine that
boy is poor
in rural america then we’re probably
imagining a white boy
we might call him a redneck your own
perspective will determine if that term
is positive or negative
but those rural areas have very few
programs that might help a guy overcome
the negative effects of poverty
leaving him with a strong sense that
people need to pick themselves up by
their bootstraps
whatever race or ethnicity he is
whatever his family’s economic status
wherever he comes from
when our culture forces him to stay on
the margins instead of being part of the
mainstream
we limit his ability to earn a decent
wage and must fulfill one of the basic
requirements of masculinity
providing for himself and any family he
might have without that
he and we will probably never see him as
man enough and certainly not as a real
man
so maybe that boy turns to sex and
becomes a player in order to find some
claim to being men enough
but without good access to birth control
or maybe with an explicit desire to get
on welfare
he runs the risk of becoming a teen
father and like
teen mothers teen fathers are less
likely to finish high school
less likely to start college and less
likely to finish it by age 25 in fact
a teen father is more likely than other
young men his age to be unemployed
and to have been in jail maybe he turns
to crime
because that’ll provide some type of
income allowing him to claim he’s man
enough because he’s got money
but that’s risky and he could end up in
jail or dead
maybe he just gives up he could turn to
drugs to dull the pain of failing to be
mad
or maybe he commits suicide the second
most frequent cause of death among males
age 50
15 to 24. male adults in the u.s
take their lives at two and a half times
the rate higher than women
perhaps this is part of the reason why
but it doesn’t need to be this way
today’s expectations are relatively new
having coalesced in the 1980s
that’s when the term real man became
part of mainstream culture
but in the 1950s we had a very different
set of expectations for boys and men
back then we encouraged and expected
them to be good guys
to fit in and do their part instead of
prescribing ambition
earnings and doing whatever it takes to
be number one american culture wanted
men to be good and to act morally
we wanted them to be honest respectful
and decent
we highlighted men’s character instead
of their achievements
in the workplace we rewarded men who
were hard workers and loyal to the
company
if you did it right you’d move up the
ladder and ultimately earn rewards for
being a 30 40 or even a 50-year man of
the company
back then we expected men to
simultaneously recognize their
independence
as well as their connections to their
community they demonstrated
independence at home where quote unquote
father knew best
while also being expected to participate
in their communities by coaching little
league
joining a fraternal organization being
an active member of their house of
worship
a man who fit this description was
called a good man or a stand-up guy
and today those criteria might qualify
him as
qualify him as having passed that first
test of being men
enough but in the 1950s it was just that
one test and any guy
or almost any guy could meet that
standard of masculinity
by almost any guy i mean anyone who was
white male and heterosexual
white men in the 1950s could be good
while also being sexist
racist and homophobic because the
culture allowed it
the times have changed and here in
america in 2020
we can update our expectations of being
a good man to reflect those changes
those good guys were capable of change
when confronted with the problems of
inequality by the civil rights movement
the women’s rights movement and later
the gay rights movement many of those
good men
and their kids who were also good men
lived up to their values and recognized
the justice in those movements
some gave money some joined protests and
some
opened doors to power that had
previously been closed
mike and i spent a lot of time talking
about masculinity and its rules
instead of striving to be a real man or
even dangerous
he focused on being a good guy he still
wanted to be liked and popular
and he realized there were other ways to
achieve those goals without hurting
anyone else in the process or being seen
as a jerk
mike also realized he could play the
strengths that he devalued
such as being loyal and being
compassionate the traits that had gotten
him those female friends in the
beginning
he didn’t decided he didn’t have to try
to fit into some kind of box
the man box if you will that made him
sacrifice parts of himself that other
people genuinely valued
so if we want to change masculinity both
the content of what men should be
and this two-part challenge of being men
enough that we need to make different
choices
every day here in 2020 we know that
every click
every decision about what to watch on
screen serves as a vote of some sort and
that the algorithms will give us more of
whatever we’re choosing
and make similar recommendations to
other people when we’re at the ballot
box we can also choose between good guys
and real men we can also create change
by using some media literacy techniques
and asking about the guys we’re watching
on screen
for example you might ask your son if
you’d rather be like steve rogers
also known as captain america or his
work buddy tony stark also known as iron
man
maybe you use the characters from a tv
show like two and a half men charlie and
allen
which of these guys do you want to be
like son and why that guy
why choose him if you’re talking with
someone who dates boys or men
you might ask them who they’d choose as
a dating partner and why that guy
and we don’t need to stick to fixed
fictitious characters
anyone in the public sphere performers
athletes prominent businessmen
politicians
they can all be used times have changed
and so is our definition of what it
means to be a man or to be masculine
the good guys of the 1950s gave way to
the real men of the 1980s
and our culture has continued to change
we can resist the idea that masculinity
is a competition
that all guys are a part of but only
some will excel at
and instead change our definition so
that any guy can be men
enough when we stop pushing boys and men
to the margins
because they don’t fit our stereotype of
masculinity we’ll see lower rates of
teen fatherhood
crime drug use and even suicide and by
using our good
guy standard most guys will be able to
achieve an important personal milestone
being man enough