Finding Meaning in Madness
[Applause]
out of suffering have emerged the
strongest souls
the most massive characters are seared
with scars in this quote poet khalil
gabran describes
characteristics of those who have
acknowledged their suffering
but what if we are conditioned to ignore
our pain
deny our distress my name is pierce
i’m a recovering addict who was both
denied
and hid in his suffering for over 15
years
i ignored countless warning signs burned
many bridges
and swore thousands of lies that this is
the last time
we’ve all heard the definition of
insanity is doing the same thing over
and over and expecting a different
result but
what if you do the same thing over and
over and don’t expect a different result
that is madness
it is doing things we know deep down
doesn’t serve us
yet we do them anyway we all live with
madness in our everyday lives whether we
realize it or not
madness can be as innocuous as scrolling
through social media comparing ourselves
to others
and wondering why we have a hard time
loving ourselves as we are
madness can be as destructive as
mindlessly spending
developing fiscally irresponsible
behavior they’re wondering why our
credit score continues to plummet
downward
the spectrum of madness is wide
and the suffering which accompanies is
equally
complex and unique i’m here to share
that the path
to our power and how we clarify our
purpose
is by finding the meaning in our madness
this is my story i’m an extremely
emotional person
i’ve been that way since i was a little
boy
however i wasn’t rewarded for being
sensitive
quite the opposite i was punished for it
i loved my dad but he was
intimidating and intense
even so i looked up to him he defined
manhood for me
toughen up he would say
toughen up men don’t show any emotion a
direct counter punch to who i am at the
core
much of my childhood memories involved
my father and his secrets and affairs
done in the dark
i was conditioned not to speak about
them and rewarded for my silence
much like my ancestors before me i
understood at an early age
that suppression was the road to
survival
so when my natural emotional self was
rattled by seismic events
like my father’s suicide i didn’t talk
about it
there was no crying or screaming for i
would not succumb
to the weakness my father hated
instead i kept my thoughts and feelings
in a dark room and locked the door
when i felt i was at an emotional
breaking point i’d walk into that room
and do all the things one does in the
dark
i harbored secrets just like my dad
the only way to escape madness was to
indulge in it
i used my foolish behavior to offset my
painful emotions
i welcome madness with open arms
at the end of 2019 i achieved one of my
biggest goals
i gave my first tedx talk it was a
prideful moment
this great accomplishment came at a time
of great despair
a month prior i hit my rock bottom
with a world as i knew crumbled at my
feet
my suffering was no longer
compartmentalized to a dark room
it had come to light family and friends
became
aware of my vices and staged an
intervention
pierce you have a problem and you need
to get help
those words sliced me open i was
embarrassed
and humiliated for the first time i had
to face the truth
that i am an addict i needed to admit
that my life as i
committed to live it was not manageable
that confession enabled me to
clear a path that transformed how i
identified with my suffering
my suffering had to come to light
madness is part of life but
what it is and how it’s experienced is
distinctive
and personal it can be external or
internal
it can be emotional mental or physical
regardless of form madness is identified
by
the deep gnawing and disorientation it
brings
it is the void of when what is and what
should be
do not align should
is the generalized romanticized
destination that looms over us in our
minds
should is that mirror mirror on the wall
reminding us of all our perceived
shortcomings
i should be married i should be in shape
i should be promoted i should be rich
our social media often deepens the
shoulds
our friends flaunt their engagement
pictures while you match with a bucket
of chicken on postmates
we use food drinks pornography
or whatever else to escape from
examining that feeling
i had my shoulds lined up and ready my
childhood should have been like this
my girlfriend should have done that my
mom should have said this
i was constantly angry by the world
around me not
meeting my expectations of what it
should be doing
i deflected from accountability and sunk
further into addiction
in my case all the blame and
inadequacies were buried in the shoulds
i should have been protected by my
father
i should have been rewarded for my
vulnerability i should have been loved
i lived in the past instead of the
present
i resided in the land of should instead
of what is
the path to transforming our suffering
into purpose
begins with the willingness to uncover
we must take an honest inventory of our
shoulds
by questioning where we feel deprived
imagine all of your compartmentalized
pain
where have you placed it are you
hoarding it in the garage
promising one day you’ll look at it
where is the madness in our life
uncovering our boxes of hidden suffering
is having the courage
to open that garage door the more honest
we are the more boxes of stuff will be
revealed well
those eight boxes over there those are
my relationships
these 13 boxes of pain i don’t want to
know what’s in these and what’s that i
can’t even see those 97
dusty boxes piled up in the back oh
that’s my childhood
our haunted ghosts of shoulds reveal our
subconscious agreements
we indulge in patterns that sabotage our
well-being
these patterns and commitments will
surface as long as we look at ourselves
honestly
and not as the narrative we previously
created in our minds
what will follow our questions and
opportunities for our next choice
does this story serve me
hey if it does shut that door go back
upstairs and enjoy your life
but if it doesn’t and we’re honest with
ourselves we will see that our lives
will not improve with the mess that we
are carrying
the next step becomes clear discover
what is in those boxes
socrates said the unexamined life is not
worth living
the more we examine our story the better
we can
define dissect and discover what serves
us
this deep examination is called a
fearless
inventory not what i would consider be a
fun exercise
but necessary for us to begin
transforming the madness in our life
in this round of inventory we discover
our meaning
meaning is the context in our life that
informs our choices
meaning has the ability to change the
relationship with our suffering
because it can provide the opportunity
for clarity
and lessons we need meaning can clarify
purpose when i began the discovery
process
i realized i had deep-seated anger
i wrote down every great complaint
and disillusion from as far back as i
can remember
to my surprise i resented nearly every
person i had ever
met in my life basically i hated
everybody
the only person that wasn’t on that list
was my therapist and
only because i had known him long enough
the more i unpacked the more patterns
were revealed
in each of my resentments i found the
same fears
a fear of what people think of me a fear
of being alone
a fear of not being accepted fear of not
being left
this process can be overwhelming
but it allows us to discover a new
outlook that is worthy of commitment
we can look at our fears and discover
root causes
we can define boundaries and set them
if we do not act this inventory will
most
certainly duplicate in our future when
we begin to sift through
and organize our boxes we can look
around and see
we’ve created space there is order
and there is room to recover
when i made the choice to dig deep
and expose my dark closet full of
secrets i wasn’t sure that i would
recover
recovery requires a rewiring of our
belief system
because our previous archaic belief
is one that enabled our suffering
this new mental framework needs to be
disconnected from
limited powerless sources
and plugged into a consistent unlimited
and boundless energy a power greater
than ourselves
what in your life can provide hope
faith and light it can be an idea
a principal family the universe
a supreme being etc unfortunately the
only thing it can’t be
is you we identify that power greater
that we can trust
we articulate why we could trust it
then the toughest part we have to
surrender to it
my surrender and hope rest in my greater
power
that loves me even if the rest of the
world didn’t
it gave me purpose to move forward
if you can find the meaning in the
suffering you will like khalil gabron
wrote
emerge as the strongest soul
a massive character
recovery allows us the time to emerge as
strong characters
finding peace is no longer this distant
phenomenon that rings hollow
for me part of this process has been
this
greater power that walks with me
is for me and never against me
it revealed my purpose through my
suffering
because it held meaning we all have
natural abilities
i am gifted at communicating effectively
i am persistent and take initiative
during recovery i realized those powers
were used as shortcuts
to get what i thought i wanted
manipulated my powers for short-term
empty pleasures today
i do my best to change the relationship
i have with my abilities for my
betterment
and the betterment of those around me
this gives my life
meaning and purpose
defining meaning creates the opportunity
to choose
and that also applies to our suffering
my addiction presented itself as an
opportunity
to fall deeper down the hole and blame
everyone else
or to confront my suffering hidden in
the boxes of all my shoulds
it gave me hope to find my purpose
when we discover meaning we take back
our power
we choose to no longer be victims of our
madness but victorious
over our madness we change the
relationship with suffering
so our defects aren’t liabilities
but assets we
all want to live a meaningful life
and we are constantly appraising where
our life fits in society
uncover discover recover
is the collective act of mapping out the
grooves
in our individual puzzle piece
meaning is fitting your peace into the
puzzle of humanity
picture your suffering open up that
garage door
and look at all the things you packed
away
keep what is worth keeping and trash the
rest
you might not be able to root it all out
in one hall but
little by little engaging with life
understand more boxes will come
especially if you’re an amazon prime
member
our story is our unique power
our story has meaning there will be
treasures in those boxes for us
and gifts in those boxes for others
every time i tell my story i
release some of the stigma and shame
when i turn on the light in the dark
room i’ve acknowledged my guilt
boxes in the garage i’ve taken inventory
and exposed some deep heartache
i’ve discovered forgiveness and
recovered my freedom
and so the journey continues
what does your madness look like
find it examine it release it
therein lies your therein
lies your power