Message from a Suicide Survivor
[Music]
my mental health journey began
in july of 2016 when i was released from
a psychiatric hospital
i had 55 dollars to my name three
prescriptions for psych meds
and really low self-esteem from failing
at suicide more than once
if you would have told me then that i’d
be here today talking about mental
illness on this platform
i would have thought you were the crazy
one not because i didn’t think i could
i just didn’t think i would live long
enough to ever do it
a couple years after getting out of the
psych hospital when i was getting over
the attitude i had with my mentor ira
for making me going to the hospital in
the first place
i finally stopped avoiding him and
agreed to have lunch
see during that time when i was still
recovering from being suicidal i didn’t
want to be around anybody
for what what were we going to talk
about
what did i have in common with people
who wanted to be alive and thought happy
thoughts and took showers
every day nothing i had
nothing in common with those people
but on this particular day at lunch with
ira
i’ve been feeling pretty stable and
hygienic for a while
and when i told ira about how my mental
health advocacy videos i’d been doing
for afropunk were blowing up and
how i had started writing articles about
depression for all these different
websites he felt proud
and he said to me you know what nikki
you should write a play about your
mental health journey
i think it’s something a lot of people
would care about
and my response to that was i never
wrote no play
what ira didn’t know as he was
encouraging me to write about my suicide
recovery was
i wasn’t nervous because of my
inexperience
i was nervous because i was not proud
of myself i wasn’t proud of the fact
that i’ve been found unconscious after a
suicide attempt
i wasn’t proud of being diagnosed with
complex post-traumatic stress disorder i
wasn’t
proud of the fact that i have mental
health issues
are you i mean according to statistics
one in five people in america experience
mental health issues
but that was before the pandemic they
say one in 25
experience a serious mental illness in
their lives but that was before the
recent school closings and job losses
the cdc reports that there’s recently
been a spike in
anxiety substance abuse and suicidal
ideation
so we don’t know what the new statistics
are and many people are suffering in
silence
simply because they don’t want to
experience the stigma
and discrimination that having mental
health issues brings your way
i’ve seen it firsthand and when you’re
facing that kind of stigma
while you’re at your lowest you can’t
clap back
because you don’t feel brave living with
mental health issues automatically makes
you part of this
lower class of society that consists of
nothing but
crazy ex-girlfriends and domestic
terrorists
every headline about every mass shooting
is about you every movie about
an insane asylum is about you every
motivational quote shaming laziness is
about you
now when someone is up against all of
that you tell me how that person is
supposed to not
internalize this stigma
not only are depressed people sick
we hate ourselves for it and that
is what we need to change
the mental health conversation should
not be dictated by those who ain’t
actively participating in it
that means we get to determine the rules
of engagement
and i’m not just talking about how we
are having these conversations with
people who don’t understand
i’m saying there needs to be a cultural
shift
within mental health
and why shouldn’t we shift it why is
that such a radical concept
there’s this book called the diagnostic
and statistic manual
of mental disorders and it’s like the
bible for mental health issues
and even though the most recent version
has been
constantly updated by mental health
experts
over the past 10 years those updates
don’t always get integrated into the
current books and practices that are
being used for mental health right now
so we have a whole bunch of information
about
the symptoms and causes of mental health
of mental health issues but they were
determined by people who never even had
to face the type of challenges we’re
facing right now
they never had to navigate what it means
to have most of you socialize and take
place on devices
on the same social media platforms that
constantly hit you with bad news and
make
inequality around the world more evident
than it’s ever been before
that day two years ago when i left that
lunch with ira
trying to figure out how to turn my
depression into a play
that was around the time when anthony
bourdain ended his life
and earlier that year kate spade and
avicii had ended their lives
so 2018 was the year when it started
becoming real popular online to say
it’s okay to not be okay
what was this the first time pop culture
was
addressing the internalized mental
health stigma
it’s okay to not be okay
they’re saying didn’t come from people
who lack empathy
it didn’t come from outside of the
mental health conversation
it came from the mind of folks who do
understand it’s a call to action
because it requires you to let go of the
judgment you pass on yourself for not
being okay
a couple years ago that saying helped me
gain self-acceptance
and i really threw myself into the whole
self-care
namaste scented candle mental wellness
movement thing
but it came to a point where i hit a
wall
because it felt bougie and not inclusive
and i had to admit to myself this mental
health thing is not as minty fresh as
gwyneth paltrow led me to believe
it was
because i have a mental illness in real
life
i can’t eat pray love it away back then
i couldn’t even afford to try
yes it’s okay to not be okay but i did
not survive suicide
learn to live with ptsd take psychiatric
meds for two years and tell all my
business to three different therapists
just to exist in a constant state of not
okay
there has to be a world that has to be a
world beyond not okay
there has to be a world beyond not okay
a world where people with mental health
issues are celebrated for being
empathetic and more sensitive than most
a world where we’re reminded that people
ranging from frida kahlo to beethoven to
einstein dealt with mental health issues
where we’re honest about the fact that
okay is not enough
we want to thrive see
therapy definitely helped me get my
mental health under control
but my empowerment is what helped me get
my life back
when i was in the psychiatric hospital i
did not learn about
neuroplasticity which is the ability of
the brain to
change and grow and adapt yes
i’m literally telling you that you can
change your mind from a traumatized
suicidal brain
to a peaceful brain that only
experiences depression
sometimes or maybe maybe you never feel
depressed again i don’t know
does it matter which do you think people
with depression want more
to be perfect or to be happy i choose
happiness every time
so here’s a question
why don’t we approach mental health with
the same energy that we have for fitness
fitness has a culture it has health
clubs and fashion and tv shows
and it even has a soundtrack and it’s
even cool to post your selfies and your
progress online because it’s not about
shaming where you started it’s about
celebrating the process of where you’re
going
how come we don’t keep that same energy
when it comes to mental health
why hasn’t the pursuit of mental
wellness penetrated popular culture the
same way fitness has
are we really that much more invested in
what we look like to how we feel
it’s time to change that
when i started writing my play i didn’t
go
sit down with therapists to find out if
it met the clinical metrics for being
impactful to mental health nah
i took it straight to the people when
the activist group [ __ ] riot did their
first american tour that music i opened
for them
and i worked up my concept for my play
right on their stage
at a punk concert why because i knew it
would be respected
within alternative culture like punk and
straight edge and goth culture
we’ve been having these conversations
about mental health for years
decades and if you think about it people
who are suffering from the mental health
stigma have a lot in common with people
within alternative culture we’re all
social outliers
we all have an inability to conform to
social norms
and we’re all considered to be creeps
and weirdos except
you know an alternative culture we’re
kind of into it
because us alternative folks reject
social norms we respect individuality
we don’t even attempt to maintain the
illusion of being perfect just so we can
fit in with the rest of society
alternative culture is more than just a
fashion statement people want to imitate
everything about being punk except the
substance of it
what i’m saying is this rebellion
empowered energy of alternative culture
is just what mental health needs
because within the framework of that
culture you are not apologetic about
what’s wrong with you
it’s understood to be part of what’s
right about you
now am i saying that everyone listening
to this should shave the sides of their
heads and run out to get their nose
pierced
nah dig deeper
at the heart of punk culture is a demand
for radical social change
we break down constructs we are
unapologetic
we accept ourselves and that energy
gives stigma iran for us money
see i need y’all to really understand
the importance of combating stigma
because like i said it is so easily
internalized
internalized stigma is why many people
who are suffering right now
are afraid to go to therapy how are you
scared of therapy
why a good therapist is nothing more
than a coach
who has a different perspective on the
game you’re playing
you’re the athlete and they’re on the
outside looking in
helping you play your best game
now you might think that you’re such a
great athlete that you don’t need a
coach
and that might be true but go ask
michael jordan who he would be without
phil
jackson every great athlete you can name
had
someone on the outside looking in
telling them
how to be their personal best therapy is
literally
you being the change you wish to see in
the world
so go get yourself a coach and be the
lebron james you wish to see in the
world
and the thing is people will judge you
for that choice they will
when a person takes a deep dive into
working on their mental health and
bettering their self
stigma and discrimination is always
always sure to follow
this is where that cultural shift within
mental health would be most advantageous
because in alternative culture
especially in black alternative culture
when you come for us we clap back
going back to my roots as an alternative
black girl gave me the bravery i needed
to cut off toxic family members
and be unapologetic about my mental
health journey
and that journey led to me writing a
musical about depression
and to me becoming the first black woman
to ever have a play produced by american
music theater project
and then to debut that play as
steppenwolf
and now in a pandemic be adept in that
play to film
that journey led to me starting the
mental health movement within the
hip-hop
community in chicago right now i did
that
it gave me the culture and language and
imagery that powered me to finally reach
radical self-love and now i’m one of
those people who want to be alive
and think happy thoughts and take
showers every day
and not only do i know that it’s okay
for me to not be
okay i know that on the other side of
okay is a better version of me
look at this mental wellness journey
doesn’t have a final destination
i could ride it till the wheels fall off
who gonna stop me
mental health exists on a spectrum i
might be on my way to enlightenment you
don’t know
so don’t project your stigma onto me
and that rebel spirit is exactly what
the mental health conversation is
lacking
and when you find it for yourself you
find yourself
so yes i am saying as a suicide survivor
myself
that the entire mental health movement
needs to be disrupted
rebrand it give it the power it deserves
within alternative culture we’ve been
talking about mental health for years
i invite you to join us thank you