More than just depression a postpartum mental health journey
[Applause]
i have an opinion about pregnancy that’s
not
the most popular
i loved being pregnant
oh i loved it
i loved it you might think okay yeah
she just had an easy time that’s all
it’s really not that great
and that’s a fair thought i broke my
foot
when i was seven months pregnant and i
spent the last trimester on
crutches one of those little kneeling
scooters
i had nausea and vomiting from my first
trimester all the way to the end
but i loved it i mean in my house this
was our idea of nesting
it was awesome
so when i went into labor i also went
into denial i’m not having a baby
my due date’s in four days there’s no
way this is the real thing
i went up and ran errands got a haircut
i think i even went to the bank
my doctor finally had to order me to go
to the hospital
so we went and maybe it was my avoidant
attitude that prolonged labor
because it took hours
for yes for our baby boy to arrive
but then he did and he was here
and the doctors handed him to us and we
had that
sweet newborn family moment that you’ve
seen on tv and in movies
and then we were sent home to adjust to
life as a family of three
hard parts over right
two months old my husband had gone back
to work
my husband had gone back to work and so
it was just me and the baby for most of
the daylight hours
breastfeeding was harder than society
had led me to believe it might be
mom brain was in full force
i’d go to microwave an occasional bite
of food
and i’d open the door to find surprise
yesterday’s coffee
waiting to greet me
i worried about the baby a lot
but i’d never done this before and
mom’s worry right
i knew postpartum anxiety
was something you could have but i
didn’t know what it looked like
and i wondered what if this might be it
so i started seeing a therapist to help
me deal with what i was going through
three months now it was my
turn to go back to work
don’t tell him this but i was
thrilled to leave him with someone else
i was a i was a work person is it
possible to go through withdrawal from
microsoft excel and bad corporate coffee
still it had been a hard transition so
before i went back to work i saw my
doctor
what brings you in today she asked well
i had a baby about three months ago
i beat around the bush for a while
because i was nervous to talk about this
and
i finally said i think i might be
dealing with some postpartum depression
oh you don’t look too down and out
she gave me a prescription and she sent
me on my way
that was it four months old
something changed when i went to the
doctor that day
i’d already been keeping things quiet
but quiet
turned to silence the circle of people
who knew what was going on got no
bigger than the handful who were already
in it
i started to manage my emotional anguish
by causing myself
physical pain
i never understood why people would
self-harm
as a coping mechanism and then
i understood now i made sure when i left
the house
my hair was done my clothes were clean i
wanted to look like i was managing new
motherhood
so well when you think the world doesn’t
care
you learn to put on a mask every time
you go outside six months
my depression symptoms were moving from
moderate
to severe i was trying to find help but
every
local psychiatric resource had a
three-month waiting list
i was hopeful when i found a postpartum
depression support group
but in four months of attending i was
the only
person who ever came
i knew there must be more people out
there who were dealing with this
i knew that but the evidence i could see
a room full of empty tears week
after week that said you’re alone
you have to keep showing up for your
life when you have depression even
though you really don’t want to
and one of the things i had to keep
showing up for were my son’s
appointments with a pediatrician
at our six-month visit we went in and
the nurse
started by asking us the question how
are we doing today
baby’s doing great i said as i went into
performance mode
and then i stopped
but i’m suffering pretty badly from
postpartum depression
and i’m trying to get help but i can’t
seem
to find where i need to go
this nurse’s reaction
stopping what she was doing coming over
to me
it told me that maybe i’m not alone
eight months
i finally connected with a care provider
who could help me manage this condition
she was a nurse practitioner who had
a background in both obstetrics and
mental health
she was qualified and she diagnosed me
with postpartum anxiety and postpartum
depression
and postpartum onset ocd which i didn’t
even know was a thing you could have
i was in the right hands and
it was still hard to manage
on top of the three diagnoses i got
we realized my depression was treatment
resistant
which is a fancy way of saying that
medication is not really working and we
don’t know why
10 months
my depression worsened and worsened
i was nearing rock bottom i was in the
right hands
we couldn’t figure it out
is this numbness my new normal
maybe this is motherhood
god it’s not what i imagined
driving home from work sometimes i would
think
what happened if i would just drift
into the other lane and drive into
oncoming traffic
i was out shopping one day in a
department store one that has music
playing as customers browse
and i don’t know what made this happen
but i realized
i couldn’t hear the music anymore
and instead of the music i was hearing
the sounds of the delivery room
right after my son was born
i froze i was having a flashback
earlier i left out a part of my birth
story
shortly after our baby was delivered
my temperature spiked to over 104
degrees
my blood pressure dropped i became
delirious
and was shaking and working in
healthcare at the time
i knew these as signs of septic shock
and i became convinced i was dying
the infection was managed relatively
quickly
the health care team got things under
control
but a trauma had already occurred
my body soaked up every sound every
scent every emotion
like a sponge and something about
the music that day inexplicably caused
my brain to wring it out
flooding me with a rush of emotion
like it was happening all over again
we didn’t know it but i had been
suffering for months
with ptsd
11 months
we finally had a diagnosis
like we had four of them and somehow
still things weren’t
turning around
it was so hard to see that it had been
almost a year that i didn’t get to show
up for motherhood the way
i wanted to
i was angry i was frustrated
and i was scared
if it took me with all of the unearned
privilege
i had working in my favor this much
effort
to try and fail to get better what hope
did that give
anybody else going through this
i saw my son’s birthday looming on the
calendar
and i was in no mood to celebrate so i
boycotted it
he’s not gonna remember
i let his grandparents stage some party
photos
to pretend we had a celebration i didn’t
sing
i didn’t make a cake we didn’t block
candles i wanted
nothing to do with a joyous occasion
my husband who’s a mental health care
professional
suggested that i look into an intensive
outpatient program
or an iop for treatment it was a good
suggestion but the nearest iop
specific to perinatal care was outside
of chicago
it just wasn’t feasible
people handle adversity and frustration
in a lot of different ways
and at this point i was just mad so
my version of handling it was saying
screw this
i’m inventing my own treatment protocol
i’m incredibly qualified
i called it a my op
it involved me taking a medical leave
from work
commuting two days a week to
indianapolis to attend
outpatient postpartum depression support
groups
and there sitting amongst fellow
sufferers my experience was
normalized for the very
first time
it was still a long road and it would
take several more months
but this was the piece we needed and i
was finally on the road to recovery
two years we
are in the throes of raising a cute
chatty construction vehicle obsessed
toddler i’m not ashamed to admit it
i spent an obscene amount of money on
his second birthday
it wasn’t about him though he’s still
not going to remember
it was to celebrate my recovery
one of the hardest things i had to do
was forget everything i thought i knew
about postpartum depression
what people often call postpartum
depression or sometimes just postpartum
is actually a collection of six
different mood and anxiety disorders
calling them all depression is like
calling all pasta
spaghetti perinatal mood and anxiety
disorders can include
depression anxiety
ocd ptsd
all four of which i experienced bipolar
disorder
and postpartum psychosis
we know that these conditions are under
reported
and under-diagnosed especially in women
of color
research conservatively estimates that
one in every seven
births the parent who births
has one or more of these conditions
and those numbers are even higher for
teen moms
and for those experiencing poverty
we also know now that these disorders
are not
just limited to birthing parents
one in ten fathers or non-birthing
parents experiences one or more
as well in 2017
the year my son was born there were 3.8
million
babies born in the united states by
those estimates
of 1 in 7 and 1 in 10
that means over 900 000
parents were dealing with something
similar to what i was
almost a million people
these conversations have to be
brought out of the shadows because i
suspect
many of those parents were suffering in
silence like i was
we need to be able to destigmatize these
conversations
and bring them out into the open but in
order to do that
we need allies who understand the
realities of these conditions
and can help have those conversations
we need people like you here’s what you
can do
when new babies arrive in the lives of
your friends
and your families ask the new parents
what this experience has been like for
them
and then listen while they answer you
let them say as much or as little
as they want you know now
these disorders are complex they’re
real but most importantly
they’re treatable you have the power
to change the conversation
you can make sure the conversation
doesn’t include something that’s
accidentally dismissive
like you don’t look too down and out
you can make sure the conversation
is compassionate and empathetic
how are we doing today
thank you
you