Modern Motherhood The DoubleGuilt Cycle
hi
i’m vicki hicks a senior manager at bt
and a mother to two young children
savannah who’s five and jasmine who’s
two
i am here today to talk about the
realities of juggling children
with a career in 2020 and how to deal
with what i refer to
as the double guilt cycle pre-children i
worked long hours
was very career driven and really had no
one else to worry about but myself
like most parents life three children
were spontaneous
and easy i always wanted children so
once i got married
it just seemed like the next logical
step so five years ago i had my eldest
daughter
i was on my turn to leave enjoying cake
and coffee around various other new moms
houses
talking about our babies comparing notes
and had naively never really given the
realities of life
after maternity much thought
the concept of a stay-at-home mum is
something used less and less today
my mother and grandmother both gave up
work to have children and that was the
norm for both of them
none of their friends continued working
after children either
i remember my mum always being home
taking us to local play groups for
playdates with friends to see
grandparents
most modern families though can’t afford
for both parents not to be earning a
living
and i think as women strive for equality
more and more of us want to go to work
and contribute financially to the
running of the home
according to the office of national
statistics the number of women
who have dependent children and go out
to work have gone up by a million
in just two decades in england alone
almost three-quarters of mothers with
dependent children are now in full or
part-time work
it also costs approximately 250 000
pounds
to raise a child through to the age of
17 now
the majority of women no longer have a
choice as to whether they work or stay
at home
i don’t mind saying that i love work and
i always knew i would want to go back
i missed a conversation that wasn’t
about my children i missed really
challenging myself in the workplace
and i missed going to the toilet on my
own without a child clung to my leg
asking if they could help don’t get me
wrong
there’s nothing like the feeling of a
baby being completely dependent on you
to survive
to help you to see how important you are
but i have always felt a need to feel
important in other ways too
to feel i was learning that my brain was
being exercised
and that i was needed and successful at
something other than to keeping my
children happy
so i started looking at child care
options and again naively
had absolutely no idea how much child
minders and nurseries cost
i couldn’t believe that to send my child
to either just three days a week
would cost as much as the average woman
in the uk earns in a month
it’s easy to see how lots of women that
would perhaps like to work
make the decision to stay at home with
the children purely because it’s not
financially sensible for them to return
to work
i visited lots of different homes and
nurseries signed my oldest up for where
i thought she’d be happiest
and after 10 wonderful months at home
giving our little savannah my undivided
attention
i went back to work four days a week
people that know me will be unsurprised
to know that i had every intention
of not letting my career break impact my
career in any way
i went back to work determined to pick
up where i left off and get stuck in
i was definitely not prepared for those
first few weeks and months back in the
workplace
i was different i mean looking back at
it now
of course i was different i’d become a
mother my responsibilities and
priorities
and outlook on life had completely
changed overnight
and i had significant responsibility now
far more important than that of my
career
at the time though i couldn’t understand
why i felt so different
i lacked confidence in my own ability i
questioned
every decision i was making i felt
paranoid that everyone around me was
questioning why i wasn’t at home with
the baby
savannah still wasn’t sleeping through
the night and after settling her at 4 am
i was up at 6 to travel 2 hours to work
i was physically exhausted that coupled
with the mental exhaustion of worrying
how she was coping without me was
overwhelming
would the child mind remember she likes
her milk warm or that she needs a nap in
an hour
shall i call her and just check that
she’s read that two-sided a4 page of
notes i’ve written for her
did i remember to put a cardigan in her
bag in case she gets cold
i really hope her lunch is something she
likes she hates jam did i remember to
put that in my notes
will she remember who i am when i pick
her up what if she doesn’t want to come
home and prefers being at the child
minders house
maybe i should have given up my career
and stayed at home with her
honestly that irrational questioning of
myself didn’t stop for months
i’ve since been assured that that’s all
very normal but at the time
i felt like the only person in the world
feeling that way
that had to deal with those emotions and
that was spinning that many plates
at once it was in those first couple of
months at work that i learned
the true meaning of this thing i’d heard
so much about but never understood
mum guilt i actually found myself
trapped in some sort of vicious circle
of guilt though because for me
work guilt existed too the pressure to
continue to excel professionally
and not to let my team my managers or
most importantly myself down
and there is born what i refer to as the
double guilt cycle
for me that cycle i refer to was the
constant guilt but i’m a bad mother
because i put my children into nursery
and before or after school club and
don’t spend every living hour with them
doubled with the constant guilt as an
employee because i have a family that
will always be my top priority
i can no longer give my career
everything like i used to be able to
in those early days even whilst at work
i couldn’t concentrate on anything due
to the constant worry of whether my
daughter was okay
research shows that working mothers
spend 25 percent of their waking hours
worrying
worrying about the pressure to be a good
mother and a good worker
my husband’s an incredible father he’s a
very hands-on daddy but even still
he never feels the sense of worry i do
and that seems to be true for many
parents that i’ve spoken to
men or fathers don’t experience worry in
the same way
i think it’s a social conditioning thing
rather than a genetics thing
my dad worked really hard and i only
really remember seeing him at weekends
that was common for his generation and
not out of the norm
fathers went out to work to provide for
the family mother stayed at home and ran
the house
go back a further generation and my
grandmother will tell you my granddad’s
never even changed a nappy
and he has two children six
grandchildren and ten
great-grandchildren
it’s not a surprise that even today i
think society still expects the mother
to do the majority at home
for the kids organizing of everybody
it’s not really any wonder that we don’t
share some of that worry
after a few months back at work i knew
savannah was happy
i’d adjusted to the new routine for us
as a family i was finding my confidence
again at work
and i was determined to prove i could
juggle my career with being the best mum
that i can be
i’ve worked really hard and i’ve had
quite a lot of success professionally
since becoming a mum
i think that’s because i’ve found a way
to try and deal with that double guilt
cycle
when i’m working i’m on it 100 i will
always have mum guilt but i found a way
to start to manage it
the child minder nursery school whoever
it is
know where i am and how to get hold of
me if my babies need me
unless i hear otherwise though i’ve come
to learn that they are having the best
time with their friends
learning how to be independent women for
themselves and understanding that mummy
and daddy go out to work to give them
the best life
and so we can afford all the things that
we do together
i make the most of every minute at work
because when i’m at home with the family
i need to be on top of my game there too
and give my family 100 i commit to not
opening the laptop or checking work
emails at the weekend
so that i’m not distracted and can focus
on being a good mum
i work hard enough during the week to
enable that and i think after five years
of practice
i’ve finally found the right balance
though it hasn’t been easy
something that’s enabled me to find that
balance and be a good mum whilst having
a career
is the support of my husband we really
do share the responsibility of our
children and he’s a wonderful father
i’ve had multiple people say to me in
the past five years you’re really lucky
that your husband is so
hands-on with your kids and i usually
just nod and agree
because it’s easier and quicker to do
that than argue but why is it in 2020
i’m still considered lucky for having a
husband and co-parent
that does his fair share of looking
after his own children
don’t get me wrong i’m not denying i’m
not lucky to have married a wonderful
man
we’re both lucky to have found what we
have and i know not everyone is as
fortunate
but i’m not lucky that he’s such a
hands-on dad that’s his given right as a
father in the modern world
it’s not all a mother’s responsibility
anymore and sadly being told how lucky i
am all the time highlights all too often
how far we really still have to go on
the journey for true equality
i’d like to say i don’t have to deal
with the devil guilt cycle anymore but
that would be a lie
my children are inevitably affected by
my work when i know i’ve done a poor job
at work
i’m irritable when i need to meet a
deadline i’m definitely guilty of
thrusting the ipad into their hands over
breakfast so i can focus
my work is also inevitably affected by
my children
when they’re poorly i down tools to be
by their side and leave someone else to
pick up the pieces
when there’s a class assembly nativity
or sports day to attend
i switch off from work and be the proud
mum in the front row and make sure my
little girl sees my face and knows i’m
there
i really don’t think your career can
ever be the same after children
no working mother can be as competent in
her career as she was pre-children
on a practical level we just don’t have
the time
you can’t commit in the same way your
priorities change whether you like it or
not
that said mothers are super human
we can juggle numerous priorities better
than anyone
we can run on next to no sleep and still
get the job done
we have less time to waste so we become
more decisive
we are emotional most of the time so we
become more compassionate
we have laboured a baby and no challenge
at work will ever come close
which i think makes us really powerful
leaders
for those reasons i am a strong believer
that i’m a better employee now than i
was five or six years ago
the double guilt cycle will never go
away i will always have to reinvent ways
to deal with that and find the right
balance
i’m not an expert at this but i’ve
learned a lot about how to cope as best
i can with the guilt
and so if anyone listening to this would
benefit from a few tips
here are three things i wish someone had
told me
make to-do lists your best friend i
swear by them and i have lists for
everything
i wouldn’t get through a day without a
list of the things that need doing that
day as a minimum
remind yourself of the bigger picture
when you feel guilty about being at work
remind yourself that you’re there
because it enables you to earn the money
your children need your family needs to
thrive
when you feel guilty about being at work
remind yourself that the children need
you far more than your employer does
no one is irreplaceable in the workplace
and sadly
the work will be there waiting for you
when you return
finally don’t be a martyr you don’t have
to participate in every bake sale
you don’t have to attend the pta
meetings and you don’t have to ask for
more projects at work
all the time it’s okay to do your job
and do it brilliantly without constant
need for more
and it’s okay to grab hacker meals for
the kids occasionally when you’re too
exhausted to make dinner
there’s no such thing as being a perfect
man so stop trying to be one
to be a working mum in 2020 is hard
but it’s not impossible and it’s so
incredibly rewarding
thank you for listening