Accepting the Unacceptable Living Through a Pandemic
hello
it’s so wonderful to be here speaking
with all of you
and it feels symbolic
that i’m talking to an empty auditorium
it’s another reminder of the state of
our world
we’re all going through something
historic and unprecedented in our time
and we’ve all had varied experiences
during this crisis but
the umbrella theme is still the same
you and i are living through a pandemic
none of us have been taught how to deal
with these kinds of circumstances
the months trickle by but the thought
that haunts us all stays the same
when is it going to end
when can i pick up where i left off
it’s difficult to talk about covid19
and the impact it’s had on every facet
of life
while remaining positive how do we talk
about something debilitating with the
sense of
hope how do we remain engaged
in living our lives and working towards
our goals
in the face of such an uncertain future
the last six months have been really
tough for me
being a college student has been a huge
part of my identity
i started taking collegiate level
courses in high school when i was 14
and began community college at 15 years
old
i missed out on a lot of those classic
adolescent experiences
and for went a lot of living in the now
so that i could pursue my future
i had a lot of aspirations goals and
plans i was striving toward
and had just taken my first steps
towards a future i was excited about
i decided to apply to my dream graduate
program
so i was getting involved in student
leadership opportunities
touring grad schools going to
conferences
and working hard to build up my academic
portfolio
when quarantine started lockdown seemed
like
a brief inconvenience to wait out but
as the weeks dragged on i realized that
my enthusiasm for my plans
started floundering all the events i had
were cancelled
i felt like i was having to drag myself
through my classes
i wasn’t researching or learning
i wasn’t myself i felt
sad and it took me a while to recognize
and call that sadness what it was
grief
when i think about grief and how it’s
expressed
i think about elizabeth kubler-ross’s
model of grief
commonly referred to as the five stages
of grief
it’s a framework philosophy that can
help give people a better understanding
of their emotions around
laws the five stages of grief are denial
anger bargaining depression
and acceptance and it was amazing to
realize that because of this pandemic
i had been experiencing the stages for
myself
first there was my denial
when school first shut down we all
thought it would be temporary
the constant message was that this would
be short-lived
and that it wouldn’t have a major impact
on anything
right see that’s a huge part of the
denial
this isn’t happening and by this i mean
a major disruption to all plans for the
foreseeable future
keep hoping that your graduation will be
in person
and that concert you bought tickets for
in two months should still be performing
besides the virus will disappear when
the weather warms up won’t it
it was a time of baited breath and
buckling down
and this felt like most of spring term
for me and a lot of my colleagues
the thought was if we could push through
this one virtual term
we could get back to a sense of normalcy
but we all know being that spring term
was
several months ago that hasn’t been the
case
then came the anger
what hold on summer is going to be
virtual too
we just got through the gut punch that
was spring
now summer now
fall this is no longer
anything resembling brief
i was angry that i was supposed to live
this way
zoom calls were awkward and glitchy all
of spring term but
i let it slide because i thought
there was a finite amount of time i’d
have to deal with them
when the realization came that there was
no clear end in sight
i felt tricked like a rug
had been yanked out from under me this
is also the stage of grief where
i started to feel alone there had been a
lot of camaraderie
in denial we were all hoping for the
best together
but anger was lonely
am i the only one upset by this how are
people
moving on none of this feels right
after that was bargaining i’d lost so
much
time at this point months have passed by
and i felt like i would only keep losing
more
i was what ifing myself sick
what if everyone i know has already
adapted and found ways to thrive right
now
and i’m the only one who hasn’t if i can
just power through summer
the same way i powered through spring
everything would be
fine bargaining was my stage of false
hope
i thought i could avoid the grief by
negotiating with myself
it was a difficult stage to get through
because it brought me a sense of
false productivity but it wasn’t real
i was still just trying to get back to
the person i was before the pandemic
still chasing after my old notions of
normalcy
that reality isn’t present anymore and
chasing after it is like
chasing after a dream i can’t negotiate
my way out of my problems
i can’t ignore them so i stopped running
and i started really soaking up my
surroundings
i saw my new normal for what it was and
realized
that virtual life wasn’t going anywhere
and then my longest age of grief started
depression
once i opened my eyes to my current
reality
i wasn’t happy i didn’t like the person
i was becoming during this pandemic
i felt a strong sense of helplessness i
felt lost
activities felt less meaningful i had
been disconnected
for so long at this point my depression
eventually left me
indifferent to finishing school
something that was once
a cornerstone in my life you’re going to
school there’s no way you’re not going
to school
it suddenly became an idea that was soft
and malleable once the actual act of
going anywhere
was removed from the equation
i felt like i was losing the best parts
of myself
who am i without my friends without
school
how can i have these big dreams when i’m
confined to my house
to my screen i’m a very future oriented
person but
talking about the future and making
plans had become
taboo in my head a pandora’s box
i didn’t touch because the future was
now too uncertain for me to try to build
a life around
but this next lesson i learned is one
that
finally brought me to an actual place of
acceptance
even though the future looks uncertain
and i felt like i could no longer
control
how it was going to go i realized that
the control
and the precision that i thought i once
had over my future
had never really been there from the
start
and that the future is always uncertain
no matter what we tell ourselves to the
contrary
so i still need to find ways to work
towards my success
in a future that isn’t perfectly mapped
out for me
so now we’ve come to acceptance the now
the naya who’s sitting here in front of
you
talking to you about accepting one’s
circumstances and making the most of
them
acceptance takes many forms for me and
one of those forms is motivation
but now even still my acceptance and
motivation
of the situation fluctuates
before kovid i could always find that
motivation again
if a class was interrupted by something
unexpected
like an injury or issues with
relationships
i would retreat back into my goals and
my plans
it was a comfort an anchor
but now what used to be a straight line
easy to follow where it was headed
now feels like a broken cord that i have
to tape together to hold its shape
instead of it being a linear path it’s
now this
little squiggly line that fluctuates and
dips
it’s moving upwards yes but not in the
same way that it was before
and i’ve chosen to accept that
i’m accepting the fact that i’m not the
same person i was when this pandemic
started
i’ve toughened up we’ve all had to
in the past few months we’ve experienced
a health epidemic
acts of police brutality one of the
largest civil rights movements in
history
riots and now massive wildfires that are
consuming the west coast
all while i try to keep up my grades
and juggle the rest of my everyday life
tasks
and retain my sanity it’s an insanely
high expectation
for any of us to have of ourselves to go
through these things
and remain unaffected
i’ve learned that it’s okay to feel
scared of the future
it’s okay to feel overwhelmed and
sad and confused but it’s
important to remember in the midst of
all of this madness
to live out the kind of life that you
can be proud of
my learning and my success hasn’t
stopped
just because i’m not on campus anymore
and that’s something i have to remind
myself
there’s a large gap between action and
inaction a canyon filled with all of the
excuses we tell ourselves
to soothe our own fears but we have to
close that gap
cross that canyon and start living life
to its full potential
this pandemic has taught me so much
about resilience
and made me passionate about college
student success
i’ve worked with various departments at
portland state to create a list of 20
resources
that can aid students in finding greater
success for themselves
because my goal was to create a list
that any college student could
utilize most of the resources aren’t
specific to psu
i’ve had experience with a lot of the
programs so i’ve included
insights into the application process
departments and contacts that can help
you get started
and many others this list isn’t
comprehensive but
it’s a fantastic place to start
it’s available on my linkedin and you’re
more than welcome to connect with me
while you’re there
i know that we’ve all been through a lot
and feeling
disconnected and unmotivated are
perfectly reasonable responses to the
reality that we’re living in
but it’s become clear that this is a
marathon and not a sprint
and we have to find our balance again
humans need connections we need goals
and dreams
i hope that sharing my personal story
has helped you to know
that you are not alone and struggling
i hope that you will find the strength
to start to rebuild a life
that suits you and meets your needs
even if it isn’t the same one that you
had to let go of
know that i’m wishing you well
you