How to come out at work about anything The Way We Work a TED series
Transcriber: TED Translators Admin
Reviewer: Ivana Korom
Coming out.
Typically we think of this
as being an experience
specific to the queer community.
But we all have things that
we’re keeping in our closets.
It could be something
about our home and family life,
about our mental or physical health.
Maybe you’re not allergic
to cats, you just don’t like them.
I feel you on that one.
Whatever it is that you’re
keeping in your closet,
it shapes the way
you navigate the world.
That can include your work life.
So how do we go about
disclosing these important,
but sometimes difficult to talk about
aspects of who we are?
And when someone comes out to us,
what can we best do to
listen and support them?
[The Way We Work]
[Made possible
with the support of Dropbox]
Hi, my name’s Micah.
But it hasn’t always been.
After a year at my current place of work,
I started the process
of coming out as trans.
When I sat down
with human resources to talk
about how to reintroduce
myself to everybody,
neither of us had answers.
Nobody at my place of work
had come out as trans before,
but that’s what I’m here to offer you.
Three tips on how to talk
about things that are hard to talk about.
And for those of you
on the other side of the conversation,
I have some advice for you too,
on how you can best listen,
respond and be an active ally
for your colleague.
I can’t give you the exact words to say,
because they should be your own.
After all I don’t know
what you’re keeping in your closet.
But whatever it might be,
I hope these tips
will provide you with a framework
that’s going to help you decide
exactly what you want to say
and how you want to say it.
Know what you want and don’t want
out of the conversation.
To know this, ask yourself questions like,
do I need anything
from the person
that I’m disclosing this to?
Where do I want the conversation
to go from here,
if anywhere at all?
And how do I want this person
to understand my own relationship
with this aspect of who I am?
So, in my case, I knew
I wanted people to call me
by my new name and pronouns.
But I also didn’t want them to avoid me
out of fear of messing them up.
This was going to take time.
And I wanted this to feel
like any other ordinary fact
about who I am.
So now we know what we want
to communicate.
Let’s talk about how
we’re going to say it.
By setting the tone.
You’re going to want
to present the information
in the same way you want
people to respond to it.
They’re going to be looking
and listening for cues
on what the appropriate response is.
Is this something
that you want to be celebrated?
I’m trans!
Or do you want to just address it
and move on with your life?
Oh, by the way, I’m trans.
There’s no one right way
to say it for everybody.
What’s most important here
is what’s right for you.
Another note,
we’re not going to be able
to control the way
in which everybody responds to this.
But what we do have control over
is how they understand
our own relationship
with this part of who we are.
So now that we know what we want to say
and how we want to say it,
where do we want
the conversation to go from here?
Well, my advice is to give an action item.
This will help you keep
control of the conversation
by giving people direction
on what they’re supposed
to do or say next.
I knew I wanted this to feel like
any other ordinary fact about who I am.
So I decided I was going
to use my coming out
to solve an ordinary problem.
And I sent the following email.
“Hello all, I need your help.
I am in the market for a moisturizer
to help with my dry skin.
I’m also in the process of out as trans.
I’m changing my name to Micah
and my pronouns are he, him, his.
If you have any questions
about my change in pronouns
or my skin care needs,
feel free to send an email
to my updated contact information.
And I’d also like to note
that while my skin is dry,
it is not too sensitive.
We’re all going to mess up
my name and my pronouns,
myself included.
So when this happens,
don’t panic or cringe!
Please be kind to yourself
as we stumble through
these growing pains together.
I’m fortunate and grateful
to work in a place
where I feel embraced in any form,
be it as a transgender man
or a person with dry skin
or in this case, both.”
Now, I’m going to be honest,
I haven’t made many changes
to my skin-care routine
since sending this email.
But I will say that I am feeling
much more comfortable
in my own skin.
And that’s what thanks
to responses like these.
[You have all the love and support, Micah!
And please know that I
highly rec Clinique products.]
[You are the best.
You are and will always be one
of my favorite people (at work).
Even if you do have terribly dry skin.]
[Thank you for being you,
however much or little you want to talk
about dry skin, genders, bodies, etc.
I will be here for you.]
[Thank you for giving us
permission to mess up …]
Now you might be wondering,
if I’m the listener in this conversation,
what can I best do to support my colleague
other than maybe referring
them to my dermatologist?
Well, for starters, listen
with an open heart and an empathetic ear.
You’re especially going
to want to listen here
for the specific language
the person is using
to describe themself
and their experience
because that’s the same language
you’re going to want to use back to them.
You might be tempted to ask
your coworkers some questions
about their identity.
Before you ask them a question,
ask yourself,
can I find the answer to this
in a search engine?
Chances are the answer is yes.
And if the answer is no, ask yourself,
is this too personal of a question
for me to be asking my colleague.
One question that is okay to ask though,
is there anything I can do
to support you at this time?
This is a note for if you’re responding
in the moment and in person.
But if you want to be an active ally,
the conversation doesn’t end here,
it picks up again with your
colleagues and human resources
on how you can make your
workplace more inclusive
of this person’s identity.
Chances are it’s not
just going to help them
but maybe someone else down the line.
Now, in my case,
it would be adding pronouns
to your email signature
and asking your coworkers to do the same
in order to help
normalize it across the org.
It could also be talking to HR
about having more trans-inclusive
health care policies.
And my last piece of advice
is for both the listener
and the leader in the conversation.
Remember that they’re the same person
you’ve always known them to be.
It’s the weight of stereotypes and stigmas
that often keep our closet doors shut.
We’re afraid people are now
going to see us as this thing
instead of seeing this thing
as an aspect of who we are,
of we’ve always been.
I know that was the case for me too,
but it got easier for me
to say, my name is Micah
because of the way I saw it
not only accepted,
but enthusiastically embraced
by all of my coworkers.
So whatever it is
you’re keeping in your closet,
I hope these tips empower you
to bring your authentic self
into your workplace
and hopefully feel more
comfortable in your own skin.