Look at this beard Im a man
[Applause]
on june 4th
2018 i walked into work like it was any
other day
i came in picked up my keys checked in
with the captain
and started walking down the hallway
back to the academic school
as soon as i got in the hallway my
vision started to blur
my vision blurred i got dizzy i had to
lean up against the wall to support
myself
security staff responded and escorted me
over to the facility hospital
when i got to the facility hospital my
blood pressure was 160 over 100
my heart rate was 110 beats per minute
and i was sweating profusely
something sergeant bell unfortunately
found out for himself as he put his arm
around me to escort me into the hospital
i had shooting pains down both of my
arms classic heart attack symptoms
when waiting for the ambulance my blood
pressure calmed down a little bit heart
rate started to subside
by the time i got to the hospital
everything was completely normal
ekg ct scan blood work all normal
the doctor walked in and said mr edwards
i think you most likely had a panic
attack
i was embarrassed i was mortified i
don’t get panicked
i’m a man i work in a maximum security
correctional facility i’ve got ice
flowing through my veins i’m the
portrait of common under pressure
look at this beard i’m a man
six pack abs rugged chiseled features
adonis reborn
[Applause]
now obviously most of that isn’t true
the truth is is that i get affected by
anxiety as much as anybody else but as
studies suggest
probably even more so it shouldn’t come
as a surprise to anybody in this room
but literally every human being
associated with incarceration
is more likely to be affected negatively
by mental health issues
for incarcerated individuals 23 will
have a major depressive disorder
and suffer from higher rates of suicide
mortality self-harm and anxiety
for those of us that work in prison one
in six will have a major depressive
disorder
one in five will abuse alcohol and we
commit suicide at a rate higher than any
other profession combined
fifty percent of us will have some form
of anxiety disorder
think about that it’s heavy those
statistics are heavy
whether staff or inmate alike what we
need to realize is that we all
physically exist inside of this place
together and the effects on our minds
and bodies are significant
so let’s talk about anxiety for a minute
the statistics i said before
said 50 of the people associated with
incarceration will have some form of
anxiety disorder
but we don’t really talk about it in
prison i made those jokes before about
being a man but outside of this place i
don’t
act particularly macho i don’t try to
come off with a false sense of bravado
but inside of here there is a sense of
aggro masculinity that just seeps into
you this thing that tells you that if
you let your walls down even for a
second people are going to see your
weaknesses
and they’re going to try to exploit them
it makes me feel like
i can’t tell my co-workers that yes some
days i’m nervous walking into this place
that’s true makes me feel like i can’t
tell the officers i work with that
outside of here
if i hear shouting or a door slams
unexpectedly my chest tightens right up
makes me feel like i can’t tell my boss
that crowds bother me now what they
never did before
like what would they think of me would i
still be fit to work here
like the anxiety that this place takes
on our bodies is significant
and if you don’t find a release or an
outlet for that anxiety
your body will literally find one for
you for me
that manifested in a panic attack a
physical release of my body for all the
anxiety
and stress that i had built up in my
system so what i’m going to share with
you today
are some strategies okay unfortunately
there’s no cure-all
no quick fix no panacea for anxiety what
works for some
don’t work for others the first thing
that i chose to do
is i go see a counselor now people don’t
talk about it has a stigma
but i see a counselor you know what we
talk about none of your damn business
and that’s the point a
counselor is someone completely removed
from your situation
someone who can view your situation
objectively and can give you legitimate
strategies and advice on how to handle
your anxiety
now i realize for me as a staff member
it’s easier to seek out counseling than
an inmate someone who’s incarcerated
but for me in my opinion and i’m not a
professional
the best counseling doesn’t always have
to come from a professional i get
counseling regular from friends
family and co-workers sometimes for me
the best counseling comes from a 22
pound dog named sheamus
yup oh look at him
he doesn’t even know what an applause
break is i’m gonna tell him he got one
he always listens he never complains and
he just tries to kiss me when it’s all
over
but the thing about it is he you need
someone objective to talk to you about
that anxiety because if you can’t talk
about what’s
actually bothering you it’s actually
inside your head you’re not getting that
necessary release and it’s a necessity
working in this place
the next thing are hobbies a lot of
people exercise
obviously that’s not working out for me
but what i will say is i have hobbies
that really worked out for me
but i don’t want to intimidate anybody
here with them my hobbies are
sophisticated
they’re highbrow you have to be
intelligent and i don’t want to leave
anybody in the dust when i describe them
so try to follow along with me
the first thing i do is i play video
games
this may seem childish to some but video
games for me offer a very necessary and
important form of release
they give me a distraction from the
rigors from the present from everyday
life
for some people this comes in the form
of reading a book or watching movies or
journaling
exercise doing artwork artwork whatever
having a distraction from the present is
important and even more so in this place
what i’ve found is that we don’t often
take the necessary time to check out of
our own lives
because we’re so worried about
everything going on around us for me
that checkout is video games now some of
you laugh some you might think it’s
childish
but once i started openly talking about
playing video games in this place
people came out of the woodwork to talk
to me about games you’d be surprised how
many people play them
i remember one day i walked into work i
was walking down the corridor back to my
area
and a rather large officer waves me over
to him he’s kind of looking over his
shoulder both ways says he needs to talk
to me and i got nervous i’m like
something wrong did i screw something up
and he leans in real close and whispers
he’s like hey brian do you play pokemon
cause i need somebody to trade with
and i was like whatever nerd and i kept
talking no no
of course yeah that’s it’s be open about
who you are
it’s important another hobby of mine
that really works for me is cross
stitching
i cross stitch not exactly something you
would associate as a manly thing to do
but it really works to center me
following across such pattern
brings me a sense of peace it silences
the noise that occupies all of our minds
sometimes i combine my love of video
games and cross stitching
into a one-two punch of anxiety and ass
kicking relief right there see that
look at those guys right there
that’s from mike tyson’s punch out any
nerds out there
it might seem ridiculous to some but i
was afraid to talk about this for years
talking about anxiety to me feels dirty
we’re engineered to not do it
to me it feels like you’re complaining
that your caviar is too cold or that
audi you just bought is too expensive
in here we’re engineered to think oh you
got a case of the worries let me get you
a tissue
but the reality is that all of us are
affected by this and we just don’t like
talking about it
whether it’s a sense of masculinity or a
sense of wanting to seem together in a
place like this
or just being embarrassed about the
things that you have going on we don’t
like talking about it
what i challenge everyone here to do is
if you live
work or volunteer in a correctional
facility is to talk
openly about the anxiety you have you’re
going to find that not only will you get
help which is good
but you’re going to see the people
around you start to get help too
ever since i started talking about it
i’ve seen people that i’ve referred to
go see counseling to go get help now
they are referring people to see
counseling and get help
they are talking about their anxiety and
more people are coming to talk about it
ironically the only sure-fire way to
become more comfortable with yourself
is to talk about the things that make
you uncomfortable
take that talk to somebody about their
anxiety and try to make somebody else a
little happier
thank you very much
you