Speaking the Truth at Work
do you wish your boss were more
self-aware ever frustrated
by being micromanaged but didn’t say
anything
feel under-appreciated at work
there are many things in life i’m unsure
about
one thing i’m not at work you don’t
always say what you think needs to be
said
and not just you your co-workers hold
back too
this is a monstrous work injustice
when you hold back what needs to be said
you’re not using your voice
not being who you are and that’s not
right
worse again and holding back neither you
nor your organization
are fulfilling your potential this is
tragic i can’t stand it
see my day job is guiding senior
management to win
as one i help leaders commit to each
other’s success
build powerful chemistry to lead
together and outperform
i love it most people though don’t love
work gallup research reports 85
of the world’s employees are disengaged
at work the cost
7 trillion dollars in lost economic
productivity
massive underperformance for 85
work as a drag causing an epidemic of
holding back
and not just the rank and file managing
directors of banks
partners of law firms deans of
universities have said
molly i can’t say that senior leaders
not saying what needs to be said
haven’t helped those five levels down
the very next thing i hear
it’ll never change
perhaps you feel vindicated ha it’s not
just me
you’re in good company and misery may
love it but this is nonsense
well it might feel like zoom and webex
have taken over your life
these crazy coveted times are an epic
opportunity
to finally reinvent how you and those
around you interact
i understand you see barriers to
speaking up you think your boss or
colleagues need to change
if you think someone else keeps you from
speaking up
there’s not much upside for you in this
talk on the other hand
if you’re open to owning your fair share
i have three key skills
to help you say it skillfully so that
you overcome any barriers and achieve
your
full potential even better
you’ll be free to be a human at work and
together we’ll win
as one i’ll take you through two common
scenarios
and show you how to skillfully speak up
versus sit silent on the sidelines
here’s the first one ten of you are
debriefing a major
project you’re stunned the project lead
alex
throws folks not in the meeting under
the bus
people nervously gaze down crickets
you know these folks can defend
themselves and want to say something but
don’t know what
caught off guard you’re speechless
processing what you just heard and
missed the chance
to influence the situation this meeting
ends with unfair blame
and worse breeds lack of transparency
and trust
under the bus business speak for oh well
gotta blame someone may seem a fact of
life
fear not i’ll deconstruct what’s going
on and how you can step
up in the debrief alex
who you felt through the folks under the
bus thinks they’re the culprits
not out of malice this is alex’s reality
but you and others thought wait isn’t
there more to the story
you had a different reality though
didn’t speak up
so the team wasn’t on the same page you
all lacked an accurate shared reality
easy to blame the project lead for a
premature conclusion
but you didn’t call alex out which
contributed to the problem
you’re not a bad person you’re shocked
maybe even afraid
to disagree with the project lead i get
it
what if instead of being stunned into
silence
you skillfully said hey alex i want to
jump in
i hear your point of view and want to be
respectful are we saying these folks are
at fault
just want to be sure i’m understanding
pause for clarification
your tone of genuine curiosity helps
temper a defensive response
perhaps you misunderstood and this
clears the air
if not i understand we want to be
responsive to management
so you all know with what i understand
that’s not my conclusion
putting myself in their shoes i’d ask us
to unpack the full story and not leave
here assuming they’re at fault
but i’m happy to talk to them and report
back
congratulations you overcame your
initial shock
took a deep breath and let go of your
anxiety and with courage and curiosity
you followed your moral compass without
accusing or being negative
and model transparency and action you’re
a hero this is
possible one more scenario then i’ll
share a framework to help you be the a
even a plus player in the eyes of your
bosses and colleagues alike
okay the marathon weekly status call
once again
sam is going on and on hijacking the
call
drives you crazy if you on the call ever
say anything
maybe because sam takes so much air time
familiar feel like meetings are a waste
or could be so much better
no one reigns in sam in quiet
frustration
you look down and do email
hardly world-class meeting performance
and doesn’t exactly make you love your
job
imagine hearing yourself skillfully say
sam i appreciate your passion and
expertise
we’re fortunate for it i’m actually a
bit
lost would you kindly sum up the main
points a sentence or two
after you loop back with positive
reinforcement
hey sam your top takeaways are super
helpful thanks
wow you kept meeting on track and sam
felt
appreciated awesome to use your voice
positively and
productively seriously
you could do this here’s what you need
to know
your relationship with yourself and
others makes or breaks your success
the group or individual with the highest
intelligence or skill set
doesn’t necessarily come out on top
those who create
an accurate shared reality make the best
decisions
execute with speed and achieve great
outcomes
let’s unpack shared reality beyond
physical time
space and distance there’s little
objective reality
in any situation you have your reality
your colleagues have theirs
all of you think your reality is right
that’s why you have it but that can’t be
the group’s not on the same page this is
jet fuel for dysfunction
and disengagement lack of shared reality
is kryptonite to people working together
well
shared reality results when two or more
people make the effort to build a common
view of the world around them
this view may be narrow as in what
skills must our next new hire have
or far-reaching how do we know all
employees understand and buy
into our vision shared reality is like a
launch pad
it’s a common platform from which we can
soar and the sky is the limit
individually and collectively when
people speak without fear and feel
hurt work together to make good ideas
great
and let go but doesn’t serve us we
create more value in meaning than we
ever thought possible
this is what it means to win as one
people trust
they can be who they are find the best
ways to work together
and play the game for each other just
like the championship teams
so how does your group get to a shared
reality
you must hear all relevant voices
especially the dissenting or unpopular
ones
this is essential only with transparency
are you aware of a disconnect
much less able to address it you may be
like most
who find it hard to disagree with your
boss suggest an idea that might be wrong
or admit you don’t know the answer
you’re not a bad person for holding back
but you are perpetuating the disconnects
we saw with alex and sam
two options say nothing and knowingly
contribute to the problem
call this place small or learn to say it
skillfully
and be part of the solution you play big
you may think sure molly in the land of
unicorns and rainbows
this makes total sense i want all this
but my boss
management co-workers don’t
i hear you your boss doesn’t want to
hear it colleagues not making it safe
the rubber meets the road your boss
drives to work
gripping the steering wheel saying i’m
gonna make it so scary no one tells me
what i need to hear
and i never want to be self-aware
your colleague flies out of bed and
blurts what a great day
can’t wait to see how crappy a teammate
i can be
doubt it more likely they’re unaware of
their behaviors and negative impact
and unless someone says something they
will never know
if someone felt disrespected by you or
thought you were missing key
information wouldn’t you want to know
now you may work in a toxic squash
employees to a pulp environment
they exist where people aren’t valued
more skillfulness
is not the answer step back there are
workplaces that deserve you
while daunting to leave the evil you
know by staying you allow
toxic culture to endure you have much to
contribute
give yourself permission to find those
who value you
for the rest i’m not pretending work is
a fairy tale
even when you know people want the tough
news it can be uncomfortable
even scary you don’t want to offend look
bad or risk your job
i understand you want to speak up but
struggle
what words do i use how do i come across
the right way
it’s straightforward we’ll start with a
logic that underlies a skillful approach
to challenging conversations
think of your role along two dimensions
task
and relationship task is often at the
forefront
hit the numbers make the deadline the
relationship dimension though
underpins the highest performance what
matters most in relationship
is how we navigate our communications
with ourselves
and others for sure the task must get
done
but by focusing less on tasks and more
on communicating ways that show you
value people as humans you make the work
easier to accomplish
effective communication is about what
others hear
not what you think you said let’s go
back to those non-world-class meetings
you feel stuck in and help you to be
part of the solution
on the marathon status call you’re
legitimately frustrated
too many resources tied up you
participate
but is coming across frustrated
productive
step one of effective communication is
how you
show up think of this as your energy or
vibe
you can make the work harder or easier
before you utter a single word
let go of emotions that won’t help you
objectively see the situation
or come across the way you want to be
heard
form a good relationship with yourself
don’t let frustration get the best of
you
a few deep breaths helps ask yourself
what holds you back afraid to step on
the facilitator’s toes
or people think you’re not a team player
figure out what’s going on within
so you can be open about it step two
put yourself in others shoes who knows
what tough stuff they’re going through
approach in a way that will land for
them would you rather help a complaining
colleague
or one who first acknowledges and
appreciates you
would your boss be more receptive if
you’re defeatist and timid
or hopeful and self-assured choose an
energy that supports how you want to be
perceived
and the work to be done step three
get clear on your intention what do you
want to happen
that supports the whole team speaking up
genuinely to help the whole
you’re not going to look bad quite the
opposite
these three steps in action go like this
starting with how you show up
exhale any negativity inhale and
intentional energy
like inspiration and possibility your
words might be
hey team here’s an observation welcome
your thoughts
first i appreciate we all want
productive meetings
and thank you scott for all you do on
each week’s agenda
i’m noticing many of us joined the call
not so many actually engage
almost feels like the fear of missing
out compels us to attend
i’d be up for less meetings what if we
step back
revisit the outcomes attendees and how
we engage
please knows i raise this in the spirit
of our working even better together
thoughts in 30 seconds you said it
put it on the table saw others not in
agreement
way to interact powerfully openly and
honestly
when you say it skillfully you also help
other voices be heard
as mit media labs research tells us on
high performing teams
members talk and listen roughly equally
they keep contributions
short and sweet this balances the quiets
and the noises
quiets are the voices or viewpoints we
don’t hear enough of
as a result the group misses not only
functional or market
expertise but also key observations or
perspectives
people may stay quiet for many reasons
from cultural norms
or past family dynamics to introversion
or fear they’re not right
noisies are dominant voices hogging
airtime
speaking freely they’re unaware the
quiets find it difficult to enter
jumping in early noisy’s opinions can
sway the group’s thinking
it’s not good or bad to be either the
opportunity is balance
to benefit from all voices including the
unpopular ones so often tough to share
even with good intention it can be
challenging to hear all voices
and get the best ideas it’s terrific if
the leader or facilitator calls up in
balance
but any member including you can and
needs to raise this awareness
if you’re uneasy at times using your
voice know this
you’re not alone you may be a ceo
delivering tough feedback or bad news
a highly qualified engineer advocating
for a promotion
or a new hire at bidding you made a
mistake
everyone struggles at times to say what
needs to be said
and hear what needs to be heard everyone
has the opportunity
to say it more skillfully to be more a
part of the solution
or more similar than not and here’s a
game changer
it cannot be a secret that we’re all
part of the problem
when ford motor company was losing 17
billion dollars
renowned ceo alan mullally said we can’t
manage a secret
addressing issues means knowing about
them
we must help all voices be heard i
emphasize
we you are not an innocent bystander
if you don’t share what your leaders
need to hear
and leaders must appreciate that your
people may have a very different
experience than you think
you leaders watching this know to say
team i get it
i’m part of the problem i asked you to
be open and thinking back
i may have judged snapped and even put
down those who were
i apologize for that going forward when
someone tells it like it is
i’ll say thank you that may not have
been easy to say
if i don’t call me out hold me
accountable
it’s a model creating space where we all
say what needs to be said
for the rest putting on others shoes is
vital too
your epiphany may be people don’t
magically know
my view or feelings it’s on me to find
the right words to speak up
now we’re in it together mutual
accountability
we’re all part of the problem and
solution no one
needs to accept dysfunction and sit
frustrated on the sidelines
just think you’ve studied hard worked
hard made sacrifices
all to play small i don’t think so
people who look back on their lives
rarely regret the things they’ve done
it’s what they didn’t do and those
regrets go far beyond
bucketless adventures like climbing
mount everest
many people live in two different worlds
the world of the imagination
where they savor their dreams and the
world of reality where they spend their
days
say as skillfully as the key to the gate
that separates the two
it’s essential to your success
one last thing skillful doesn’t mean
perfect
say it skillfully is an art that
requires finesse
i may be able to say something in a way
that doesn’t work for you and vice versa
finding your voice one that’s effective
and authentic to you
is how you can be who you are and say
what needs to be said
you can do it it starts with the courage
to give it a try and a little practice
first be intentional with your energy or
vibe and how you show up
second put yourself in others shoes
third say serve the whole doesn’t take
much to shift in a highly positive way
embracing a few simple skills will both
amp up your work
and improve your relationships with
family friends and colleagues
for my part i’ve created resources to
show you the way
once you give yourself permission to say
it skillfully to play big
you won’t go back you will be free to be
a human
at work and we will achieve more
together
than we ever could apart together we’ll
win as one