The Silent Virus The Stigma That Kills
how seriously
are you taking this virus
it’s so contagious it’s all
around us it’s deadly it’s dangerous
it’s toxic and it’s killed millions of
people
yeah i just can’t feel a sense of
urgency with this
i first discovered and really
felt the virus deeply
six years ago when my dad
caring calm loving
fun adventurous person started to
experience
irrational thoughts and a virus told him
to tone it down
to pull himself together he had a great
life a lovely family
but it wasn’t as easy as that and he
ended up at the doctor’s and
the doctor said i think you’ve got
anxiety and depression
we’ll try some medication it may not
work
and we’re going to send you home you’ll
have to wait about six weeks to see if
it works
and um good luck so he was sent home
with no support
and on the side of the packet it said
may cause suicidal thoughts
he was sent home with no support
it didn’t go down very well and i
realized what it was like to experience
grief on this earth for a person you
love
when they’re here but they’re not really
here he didn’t look like himself he
started to lose loads of weight
he didn’t sound like himself it was like
someone else in my dad’s body
and i wept i missed him
so much i felt so helpless so desperate
the virus told me to take it personally
the virus
told me to feel a sense of shame because
maybe i could have done more to help
dad ended up in a psychiatric ward and
the virus told me
to be really afraid and intimidated by
the mental hospital because mental
hospitals are
full of psychotic dangerous people right
that’s what the virus tells us because
we see it in the movies and the media
psychopaths are cold-blooded killers
right
i felt so afraid going in to visit my
dad i fell on edge constantly the virus
was all around
i didn’t like him being there but then i
thought he’s calm he’s grounded he’s
loving he’s an amazing guy so if he’s in
there
surely there may be other people in
there like that
but yeah it was a really really hard
time now dad
did get out of hospital he started to
get better they
finally after lots of attempts found
some medication
that worked but the whole experience
walked something deep
deep within me and i said to dad once he
came out the other side
and i got him back i said dad come on
tell me your words of wisdom what would
be your piece of advice
he said don’t be so hard on yourself
such amazing words but so hard to
practice
so i got to work i had a mission
i was going to make it very very clear
that this virus had no place
for me and that i was going to encourage
other people to say
no because what the virus does is it
tells you to wear a mask
to isolate yourself to wash your hands
of it
and that makes it worse that’s very very
dangerous
we can’t isolate ourselves when it comes
to this virus
dad has always called me wysiwyg what
you see is what you get and i’ve
over time realized that that’s my thing
you know we all have a super power
that’s my thing
and i realized that when i said no to
the virus and made it very very
very clear i made a lot of noise you
know i did blogs
spoke on the radio wrote a book did
loads of podcasts i interviewed hundreds
and hundreds of people
something magic happened people would
approach me in the supermarket on the
street
at events and it was like all surface
level chat had gone
we were diving deep and it was so
amazing for people to be able to show up
fully
pull a little bit of woozy wig what you
see is what you get
and there was something else that became
very apparent to me through my research
you know i’ve interviewed psychiatrists
psychologists life coaches spiritual
spiritual teachers hypnotherapists
people that have been through intense
trauma people that have
really struggled with their mental
health and have gone to the darkest
place
and two things came up time and time
again too many people
are carrying around a sense of guilt and
shame
for things that happen to them that
weren’t even their fault
be in childhood or later on in life
they’re carrying a sense of shame and
i’ve had to say to so many people
it’s not your fault the other key thing
is
that shame is really really bad for our
brain
shame prolongs recovery
so wearing a mask is really really bad
for our recovery so
on that note let me share my story with
you
today let me take my mask off and keep
it real with you
at the start of this year i was
literally buzzing i mean
hello new decade whoa
i was so excited now 2019 i did a lot of
meditation
and i i find like you can read as much
textbooks as many textbooks as you like
on mindfulness but it’s actually the
meditation where you really learn about
it and you can
help yourself and help others and i’ve
been an amazing year of self-discovery
and i felt like in terms of
self-awareness things were going really
well
i really knew who i was and i was able
to be present in my body and be
more real with people and it was a
magical feeling
but yes start of the year i was
really really just feeling up for it and
it felt like buses like lots of things
were coming at once and i was really
excited
i was like january yes 2020. if this is
how it’s starting it’s going to be
amazing
but i realized i was a little bit buzzy
i wasn’t sleeping as much either and i’m
almost an
eight hour a night i protect my sleep
but i was getting up in the night with
all these ideas
and i said to some people that that
worked in similar industries
look i’m totally buzzing they said joe
it’s just all happening just enjoy it of
course you’re buzzing
now from my research i know that when we
get a lot of dopamine when we’re
achieving
we do feel that really buzzy you know
it’s a natural high
so i thought okay i’ll just sit with
this a minute i was also doing dry
january and i thought if this is how it
feels
i ain’t ever drinking again but here’s
the thing right
on stage i was funnier i was sassier in
meetings i
had a swag about me that i really quite
liked
and i just had so much energy now i’m
known for getting people singing and
dancing and doing the podcast and we
just
we released some mojo jojo mojo it
sounds gimmicky but that’s my thing
right
but every song i heard it sounded
different it felt different i was like
something’s going on here
and i wanted more of it
but my closest circle were worried about
me
because behind the scenes you know on
the surface that’ll look great
but deeper behind the scenes i was
unraveling
like a ball of will i wasn’t sleeping as
much so that was obviously catching up
on me
i was becoming a little bit delusional a
little bit paranoid what’s going on here
things just didn’t feel quite right now
if
anyone challenged me in this frame of
mind
oh my goodness i would go to the darkest
place they would be
oh i couldn’t go near them and my
husband challenged me and he took me to
the doctor
and he said something’s not right and i
said how dare you
how dare you and i turned on him and the
doctor didn’t know who to believe
you know i’ve got a background in drama
i’m quite convincing and i really really
meant it
how dare he the doctor really wasn’t
sure what to do
we had more therapy and some people got
it wrong
and told me things and made me even more
paranoid
and then one day a mental health nurse
came round
and she looked at me she looked at my
husband and she said to him no you’re
right something’s not right
this is textbook manic episode
i said what i’m a mental health
researcher i’ve been researching for six
years
but it always been anxiety depression
burnout stress
not so much going high mania
what are you talking about no
she signed me off and said you need to
stop working now
i said okay okay she left and a tv
crew came round from london i said to my
husband don’t tell her please
please don’t tell her and i kept going
about my business because i was exciting
and i was enjoying life and it felt
amazing
but i wouldn’t stop and on the 15th of
february the doorbell rang
and it was three mental health
professionals coming to section me
against the mental health act to take me
to the psychiatric court
the place i fear the place that virus
told me is so dangerous and i said no
please please please don’t take me there
i’ve got so much trauma so many bad
memories with dad i will do whatever i
get
it i’ll take all the sleeping tablets
i’ll sleep
all this buzzy creative stuff i’ll say
no to just please please don’t take me
to the psychiatric ward
they said i’m afraid you’ll have to come
so i went upstairs around a bath
water is my safe place and my husband
came up and he said if you don’t go
they’re gonna call the police i said
right i’ll get my coat not one for drama
but i was traumatized and that journey
there just felt
so lonely i honestly thought the person
that was so
self-aware with all this meditation and
great well-being work and all this
research
happy happy happy i honestly felt
that my family that really really loved
me and care for me more than anyone else
were trying to frame me that’s what my
mind told me
and i was terrified and i cried that
night and i cried
and i was so scared the virus was all
around me be afraid this place is full
of psychotic people you may get
someone may stab you i was so afraid
but something inside me heard that
little voice i’ve been saying to
everyone else
this is not your fault you will get
through this you do deserve to be happy
so every day i beg to get out and they
said no no no you need to sleep
now at the start of the year i put on my
vision board start breaking the rules
and i meant
in a fun and free spirited kind of way
you know
chase more sunset say no to the busy
world more and
it was like i was suddenly faced with so
many rules they took my laptop my phone
all my plans were cancelled i couldn’t
put my beautiful little kids to bed at
night
i got to see them i didn’t get that
freedom to be at home and to have my
privacy
everything was stripped and i felt like
a naughty schoolgirl and i had so many
rules
stop singing so much you’re over
stimulated you can’t go out in nature
no you’re not going there to meet
friends no you’re not texting you’re not
you’re not getting anything
this is all before covert right
it was a stressful time in hospital but
i knew that i had to get something
positive out of it so i went to work
and i spoke to every single patient i
got to know
everyone in my ward and something magic
happened
that surface level chat was gone and we
got deep and it was like they were
desperate just for someone to
let them be real and patients were
knocking on my door
they were reading copies of my book
passing it around nurses were buying the
book
people were talking people were sharing
it was amazing and i realized that
everyone i’d spoken to
they were carrying a sense of shame for
something that may have happened in
childhood or later on in life that
wasn’t their fault
and i said it again this is not your
fault and a lot of the people in there
perhaps on antipsychotic medication like
myself yeah i was given that
that’s what the virus may be saying to
you
but all these people have given away all
their energy to help everyone else
and it sounded so familiar
that experience changed me and i was
discharged
the day we went into lockdown 23rd of
march 2020
going from one set of rules to another
wow and then the hard work started
because my insight came back
and i remembered i had flashbacks of
saying things to anyone that challenged
me my family
and i remember thinking it was like
someone
else was in my body speaking because the
words that were coming out of that human
were not me they were not from me but
they were but
it wasn’t me and my family were
horrified like where has she gone
will we ever get her back all those
feelings of despair i had watched my dad
go through it
you know it was a manic it was a
psychotic manic episode
did i want to kill anyone no did it make
me a cold-blooded scary killer
no but did my mind go to the darkest
places yes did i feel extreme trauma yes
did i say things nasty things i’d never
say
yes and i felt so guilty
and i heard all the shame it’s not your
thoughts not your fault
it’s not your thoughts trying to tell
myself this but the virus is saying you
should be so ashamed you should be so
ashamed
but i had six years of research saying
it’s not your fault it’s not your fault
you need to be kind to yourself
so i got to work on compassion
compassion-based therapy is something
i’ve been
really pushing you know really pushing
for years so i got to work on being
compassionate with myself
but the virus was speaking to other
people some reminded me of things i’d
done some said you were terrible
you know some said you need to apologize
some said they don’t want anything to do
with you now
some said don’t tell anyone about it
keep it secret no one needs to know that
a person that’s been campaigning against
a virus
against hiding things against putting
the mask on for years
to hide their own illness
the things we should talk about and i
said no to that
i said i’m going to talk and my
psychiatrist and my mental health nurse
they were so surprised you’re talking
openly about all you’ve been through
i said yes that’s what i do that’s my
thing was hewick
they said wow well they said this will
really help you because
shame prolongs recovery
ah that sounded familiar that came up in
my research
constantly shame prolongs recovery so i
got to work to remove the shame
and i worked so hard and trust me there
were days in lockdown dark days
where i felt so much shame
and didn’t didn’t think i could ever get
on with my life again would i get the
mojo back the girl that helps other
people get their mojo
would i get mine back would i be singing
and dancing again could i walk down the
street and look people in the eye
could i learn to work hard can i learn
to take away the shame
as i worked hard every day to tell
myself nice things into poor compassion
my mental health nurse said i’m so
surprised that your recovery
i’m ready to discharge you and i’m
normally with people for a couple of
years
this has been a few months i think it’s
because you’re talking openly this is
really helping you
i think it’s because you’re working
really hard to pour compassion on the
mix
at the start of this year i wanted to
feel more alive
and it all went a little bit wrong
but i can honestly say that being real
with you
sharing taking off my mask
makes me feel so alive today
so let me ask you how seriously are you
taking this virus
it’s toxic it’s contagious it’s deadly
it’s
all around us it’s killed millions of
people
this virus is of course stigma
and we need to take it seriously
we need to start
normalizing these conversations even
more especially in 220.
how alive do you feel
today and quite controversial words for
this year but could it be time
to take off your mask