Why you should not bring your authentic self to work
[Music]
so picture this
your friend calls to invite you to a
party this saturday
they say yes i totally understand
that saturday is halloween but trust me
it’s not a halloween party
october 31st just happens to be the best
day when everyone is in town
no no no you don’t have to wear a
costume
it’s not going to be like that at all
just come as you are
a party with your friends on halloween
without having to go through all the
trouble of finding a costume
a costume mind you you’ll never wear
again
oh you’ll be there so saturday’s here
you head on over in your favorite faded
jeans
and the stylish enough top quite frankly
you’ve been lounging in all day you
knock on the door
out steps these bright red boots the
perfect accessory to your friend’s
wonder woman costume wonder
is the exact description of the look on
your face
as you enter the house your eyes dart
across a number of cartoon characters
uniformed professionals and some
unfortunate impersonations of the latest
celebrities
you look to your friend for answers but
they’re gathering the final votes for
the costume contest
a costume contest you of course
receive no votes do you feel that
that feeling that you have right now the
anxiety
the upset and bewilderment as to how you
came to be the odd one now for just
doing what you were told
to come as you are that’s exactly how i
feel
when i am told to bring my full
authentic self to work
we want people of color to feel like
they belong here
they say we’re looking for passionate
people
who can bring a fresh perspective to
challenge our way of thinking
they say our diversity is our strength
they say come just as you
are they say
recruiters managers executives ceos
all those responsible for making
decisions
they say quite a lot
and perhaps for good reason it’s long
been the expectation for people like me
who have been grossly often
intentionally
underrepresented at work to contort
ourselves
into this caricature of what some call
professionalism
and what we call a distorted
elaboration of white cultural norms and
the standards that meet the comforts of
those who hold social and institutional
power
that’s professionalism invitation to
bring our full
authentic selves to work signals that
this place
could be the place to safely shed the
guys
we could collect the parts of ourselves
we’ve compartmentalized and trust
that our differences will be seen as
assets
not liabilities seated in this call for
authenticity
is this idea that those who don’t have
to spend all the energy hiding parts of
themselves could find more fulfillment
at work
the expectation is that the more we
could
just be ourselves perhaps
just maybe others will follow suit
the hope is that soon enough the culture
of the entire organization will
shift becoming more inclusive and
welcoming of difference
my type of difference so
i show up to work as i am with my afro
my family photos my disability
accommodation needs my questions my
pushback
my perspective grounded in the lived
experience of all my identities
i show up with this full authentic self
to perform my job with excellence
but when the time comes for the stretch
projects
the promotion equal pay recognition
mentors sponsors
i’m overlooked
you need to work on being more of a team
player
they say your approach
makes it difficult to work with you
they say try to help others feel
more comfortable around you they say
you are hurting your relationships at
work when you talk about racism
they say
no promotion no mentor no votes
we cannot compete in the costume contest
without a costume and expect to win
the call to brave work with more
authenticity
undeservedly disadvantages people of
color
those of us who are already burdened
with the task of chronically battling
bias
with precision the work to shift culture
is designed to cost us our own mental
and physical health if who we are
makes us as difficult as they say
than this demand for our authenticity
compromises our careers
listen the fact is this one person
or even a few people coming just as we
are cannot change company culture
how would change happen alongside
rewards for coded definitions of
fit what difference would it make
to allege a value for diversity without
sustaining
evidence of that value in any meaningful
way
we know what we’re up against
authenticity has become a palatable
proxy
to mask the pressing need to end the
racism
ageism ableism sexism
homophobia xenophobia and the like that
run
rampant throughout our professional
lives
without accountability to examine these
systems of bias and power
the call for authenticity fails
it fails to question who is in the room
who sits at that table and who gets to
be heard
it fails to demand that we reveal the
truth
about how racism impacts decisions
about who’s in the room who sits at that
table
and who gets to be heard
what many people of color find is that
even when we are in the room
sitting at that table stating firmly
i am speaking
very few people are actually listening
it can start to feel like like our
bodies are wanted in the room
but not our voices
look i know what that’s like a couple
years ago
at the end of a senior leadership
brainstorming meeting
i was called into an unscheduled
check-in with an executive
she sounded enthusiastic about how my
contributions helped move the project
forward so
it surprised me when she then suggested
that in future meetings i should try to
be more agreeable
to help give others a win
if i did have feedback she advised that
i
send it over email instead
honestly i was taken aback like here i
was
feeling like my contributions mattered
that my seat at that table had proved
pivotal
to the success of our work together
excitedly i felt a lightness
ideating alongside my colleagues without
reserve
the work was riveting so i
opted outside of my usual guardedness i
stopped hiding my opinions
i worried less about those constricted
norms of how i should express myself
for the first time i felt like like i
could take off that
costume so many of us have to wear
clearly that was a mistake
at the end of her comments i tried to
keep it real with her i said
your advice is consistent with the way
women of color
black women especially are treated at
work
her response fit perfectly into this
three-step framework i’ve now come to
know as
darvo deny
attack reverse the victim
with the offender darville sounds like
this
jody ann this has nothing to do with
your race
deny you’re just being too
sensitive and angry attack
you know if you’re going to play the
race card every time i try to give you
feedback
is going to make it really hard for us
to work together
i just want you to be successful here
i’m just trying to support you
who’s the victim now her
attempts to gaslight me to
psychologically manipulate me into
questioning
my own reality was futile
even then in that moment i knew that my
experience
was not unique for too many
black women and other people of color
people living with disabilities
non-binary people deaf people
lgbtqia plus people and others
among us that are constantly featured on
the come work with us
section on company websites we know
this harsh reality intimately
being authentic privileges those already
part of the dominant culture
it is much easier to be who you are when
who you are
is all around you coming
just as we are when we’re the first
the only the different or one of the few
can prove too risky
so we wear the costume
we keep the truer parts of ourselves
hidden we straighten our
curly hair for interviews we pick up
hobbies
we do not enjoy we restate our
directives as
optional suggestions we talk about the
weather
instead of police brutality we mourn for
brianna taylor alone
we ignore the racist comments our
supervisor makes we stop correcting
our mispronounced names we ask fewer
questions we learn to say
nothing and smile
we omit parts of our stories we erase
parts of ourselves our histories and
present realities show this
to be the best path for success
but now our society is reaching
a new tipping point inequities
racism and bigotry are finding
fewer places to cower
silences are becoming harder to keep
our most radical collective imaginations
for racial justice are
reaching new possibilities and so
i’m asking that we the people
who have and continue to be denied
inclusion in that refrain
dedicate the authentic fullness of who
we are
to that work the work of making space
everywhere for who we are
to breathe
but just for a moment
let me step away from that work
to tell the rest of you this
black people do not need to be any more
authentic
so no this
black disabled immigrant woman
will not be bringing her full authentic
self
to work
but she is asking that you
those of you with the power of your
positions
and the protection of your whiteness and
other societal
privileges you did not earn to take on
that risk instead
there’s an opportunity in this movement
for change for you to do just that
change not your hearts and minds
close the gap between what you say
and how we’re treated change your
decisions
make working effectively across racial
and cultural differences a core
competency
in hiring and performance management for
everyone
define good product design as one that
centers the most underserved people
close the racial gender pay gap starting
first with latinx women
build responsive people systems to
manage racial conflict with equity and
justice
these aren’t the decisions that shift
culture but rather a tiny sample
of the expansive possibilities of what
you
can actually do today in your next
meeting
to realize the hope for racial equity
you do the work to make it safe for me
to come just as i am with my full
authentic self
that’s your job not mine it’s your party
not mine you set the rules and rewards
so i’m asking you what will it take
to win in your contest
thank you