The Link Between Personal Style and Identity
everyone
has style the question is not whether or
not you have it
but whether or not it’s being expressed
i know this because i’m a personal
stylist
and the kind of work that i do is
transformational personal styling so my
team and i lead people through a process
of transformation
with their appearance and sometimes when
people hear this they’ll say
a stylist ah what a fun job
that sounds so fun you get to dress
people up all day
spend other people’s money ah so fun
i say yeah it is it’s so fun i’m really
lucky
i think fun really
do you know many women have you been in
a dressing room with a woman before
there’s a mirror in there
i’m going to ask her to strip in front
of a stranger
brene brown’s research on shame
reveals that body image and appearance
are nearly
universal shame triggers and after a
decade of doing this work
i can tell you that that’s true i also
know
that it’s not just something women
struggle with
it’s also men it doesn’t go away with
age
and that there are certain environments
relationships
and life cycles that trigger this
and i think the thing about struggling
with your appearance that’s particularly
painful
is that our deepest desire is to be seen
we care about our appearance not because
we’re super vain
or obsessed with our image but because
we want to connect
and we want for people to see us
the tricky part is that in order to be
seen you have to first show up
so this is a client of mine her name is
joanne and i met joanne a couple of
years ago when she was going through
a transition and so she had hired me for
two reasons number one
she was going through a divorce
and she really wanted to focus on her
appearance this was something that she’d
been ignoring for years and she felt
like this was the time to do it
and the second reason was that her
daughter was getting married
and this was the first time her
ex-husband and his new girlfriend
were going to be there too and so when i
asked joanne well you know how do you
want to how do you want to feel
at this event and she was like um
amazing i need to feel incredible i need
to feel confident
i need to walk in there and really just
show that i’m doing well
so we settled on smoking hot for this
event
so i meet joanne in her closet i go in
there and i’m like
oh crap we’re gonna have to start from
scratch
there was just nothing in there there
were like six things they were mostly
black
maybe one or two solid colors things
that she literally had bought
from costco when she was doing errands
that’s how much she just wasn’t thinking
about this
but the biggest thing was that none of
the stuff hanging in her closet
had anything to do with joanne it all
looked
just not like her one of the first
things that i felt from joanne when i
met her was she has this just really
dynamic
vibrant quality about her and i could
see it
in her surroundings how she had
decorated her home
so there were interesting things on the
walls colorful pillows and just a lot of
personality being expressed
in her environment and yet none of it
was showing up in her look
and so i asked her about that i was like
joanne like i can see
you here uh but how come it’s not coming
through in your appearance because it
comes from the same creative
place and she was like i don’t know i
just thought
black was slimming so here’s a picture
of joanne
on our shopping trip together looking
smoking hot in a leopard print dress
and also what she decided to wear to her
daughter’s
wedding we all want to be seen
and we want to be seen as attractive i
don’t know anybody who
wants to be considered less attractive
the good news is that
the most attractive look is
always the most authentic one
authenticity
is universally attractive your size or
your age
or how much you’re spending on your
clothing if you know anything about
fashion or brands none of that matters
the only thing that matters is that you
show up
authentically when someone shows up
authentically
you don’t just see it you also feel it
the signature of authenticity
is resonance what that means for styling
is that you’re trying to choose clothing
that resonate
with you you’re looking for a match and
a sympathetic relationship
between the clothing and the wearer
that’s all it is in order to figure this
out how you might do this for yourself
imagine that you are a member of an
orchestra
and orchestras are arranged in four
parts
different sections the instruments are
grouped by
their like sounds they’re like
characteristics and there’s kind of a
signature to these sounds
so in the first section you have your
woodwind instruments
these are things like the piccolo
and the flute and they have a certain
quality to them
they’re kind of that light bright melody
bopping along we know how they make us
feel
and we recognize them by their sound
compare that to
the second section which is the string
section
their sound is totally different these
instruments
make these long sweeping
dramatic sounds if you think of like the
violin
or the harp or the cello they make us
feel
a different way and we recognize these
instruments
by their sound in your third section
it’s the brass section and that’s where
like your
power instruments are so things like the
trumpet
and the tuba and the trombone and these
are the loudest instruments you can hear
them from the furthest away and they
make you feel a certain way
whenever i hear a trumpet i just feel
like i can
you know take on the world they have a
certain feeling to them
and then in your last section it’s the
percussion
section and these are instruments like
the bass drum
and the timpani and they keep the beat
for the whole rest of the orchestra
and each instrument shows up and has a
different sound
a different quality and we are like that
you are like an instrument you were made
to play
a certain kind of music my uncle morris
used to be a professional singer
and he would often describe his voice as
his
instrument and we would kind of laugh
you know like
he oh no he couldn’t sing at church
because he has to protect his instrument
but for this it kind of works because he
was using his voice
to express the music inside him
that’s what style is that’s what true
personal style
is when it’s resonant when it’s
authentic
when it’s attractive it’s you showing up
and expressing the specific kind of
beat and rhythm of your life
you have a certain energy to you you
have a certain movement
a feeling all of this is wrapped up in
your identity and it looks like
something
and it feels like something to the
people around you
just like an instrument if you don’t
take care of your
appearance and your style it tends to
fall out of tune
and this is really normal it happens you
know it can happen at different parts of
your life
and it’s really easy to fall out of tune
because there’s so many other people
around you
playing different notes and it’s very
easy to kind of tune
to them so if you see someone over here
and you’re like oh my gosh their style
is so
cool and great like and then you go and
you try and you put that on and it’s
like
oh that’s not working for me it’s
because it’s not
tuned to you it’s tuned to them so
you’re wanting to find clothing
that’s in tune with you in order to do
this
i want to give you a key
for finding your true personal style it
has a signature to it
the way that i like to talk about style
is that it’s just the way
in which you do things
it’s the way in which it’s not simply
the result
it’s not simply what shows up it’s how
you get there
this kind of grid is going to help you
tune into your signature style
if you haven’t found it before or to
re-tune if you’ve gotten off track
in order to understand your signature
style you need to understand the way
you move so like the orchestra
there are four different groups or parts
of instruments or a style and each
person
resonates more clearly and strongly
with one of these groups the things that
look
attractive and authentic on you
has to do with which group you resonate
with
and you’re wanting to choose clothing
that has that same quality
or that likeness to it so in the first
group
you have what we would like into the
woodwind section
so these are people who are moving
through their life
we’re talking about like their inner
movement it’s your inner
beat or your rhythm for how you are
expressing
this energy inside of you this group
it looks light it looks bright
these are people who are full of fresh
ideas
they their energy moves toward what’s
new
so they’re constantly wanting to switch
things up
in order to get variety so that they can
keep their energy up
if this is you don’t let anybody shame
you about
wanting to shop or needing new things or
needing change because this is how you
actually get
energy and so the key here is to choose
clothing that
has that same kind of energy that same
kind of spirit to it
so it might be things like you know
light bright colors
or fabrics that are light and they move
and there’s a ton of animation you want
to match the spirit
to your spirit compare that to
this second group the movement here
the natural rhythm of life in
with this group looks like this
these are your string instruments
they’re moving
slowly they’re moving more
fluidly people in this corner
need to take more time with things the
look is comfortable
and relaxed it’s totally different from
this first group
they make you feel welcomed they have a
patient
quality about them so the way that this
expresses in their clothing
if this is you you might be someone who
has a lot of like
really comfy things in your closet so
like a lot of knits
a lot of stuff that’s just kind of
slouchy because
comfort is really key to you this group
of people also really has a hard time
getting rid of things
in their closet so if you’ve held onto
stuff from like high school
that might be a clue compare that
to the third corner
these people again totally different
their vibe their rhythm their movement
through life
is this quick cutting pace they move
with purpose
they move to get things done they’re
wired for efficiency
these are people who’ve done like 100
house projects
during quarantine i’ve done zero house
projects
but their energy is such that it’s wired
to accomplish things it’s on to the next
thing
it feels substantial clothing that
matches
and resonates with them needs to have
that same quality
it needs to be more textural it needs to
have
the movement quality of being like sharp
and fierce
so this was joanne’s group which is why
black was no good for her
and the leopard print dress looks so
great she has this fierce energy
and then the last group the final
movement
the signature of the last group is
no movement no movement is actually a
movement
and it’s not that these people don’t
move it’s just that they’re not going to
move
unless they know that it’s the right
move
unless they know where they’re going and
then it is a very clean
straight line so these are people who
need a lot of alone time their look is
bold it’s clean they have
a low movement in who they are and so
their clothing needs to have that too
so they like things that stick right to
them
that hold their shape so this is my
corner
and i’ve found all of this to be true i
want everything to just to stay with me
the key is that your clothing goes with
you
that your clothing moves and expresses
the way you move and express in that
you’ll find
the resonance you’ll find that
attractive authentic look
and you’ll find that people can see you
better that
they can hear you better and that they
can
feel you what you really mean so you’re
gonna get a better connection
even so even if you can master this
you still must be brave enough to show
up
in your life and in your relationships
as your authentic self
i had a client a couple years ago who
came in because her husband
had bought a gift card for her to go
through our process
which is very nice of him but she came
in
and she was wearing all black
heavy kind of shapeless stuff and she
has this long hair
and all of that’s totally fine but
the thing i remember about her is that
she just she felt really guarded
it was like she had like a block on her
heart
and her hand was up like this and i’ve
done this work long enough to know
that that comes from something that’s a
i need to protect myself type of thing
like i don’t want you to see me
and she really wasn’t buying it when i
was talking about how we were gonna draw
at her authentic beauty
and like here she was gonna appear and
she was just kind of sitting there like
yeah okay and so i really was not
looking forward to this
appointment but by the time it came
around the following week i’d gotten
myself in the right place and i
reminded myself that the most important
part of this job
is simply to see someone
and so that’s what i was going to do and
during our appointment
we went around and what we what we do is
we test people
in these different groups so we’ll put
you
in clothing that has you know each of
these movements expression we’re looking
for that match
and when you see the match when there is
a match you can see it you can feel it
and so we get around to that first
corner
which is the highest level of movement
the brightest
most animated level of movement
and it’s a match for her you never would
have known it
you never would have known it by the way
she looked by the way she was expressing
herself
none of that and yet there it was and
she’s wearing this like
pink blazer and it has this like cute
little you know all these little cute
details and it was like her spirit just
filled the room it just got bigger
and it was beautiful and i was like ah
i’m so good you look so good
and she felt good and we’re laughing and
we’re dancing
and we’re celebrating her freedom
and the permission that she’s been given
to be herself
but then she looks at me and she says
but i could never wear this though
because my husband
would just tell me that this is only
something a skinny person could wear
and the energy just shrunk back down
into her
as she changed back into her clothing
that she’d come in with
gosh it was just so sad
her whole countenance just returned to
that
depressed heaviness
we all noticed it as she walked out her
voice lost
its energy you couldn’t see her anymore
and we didn’t hear from her again
the question is not
whether or not you have style it’s
whether or not
it’s being expressed thank you
you