Perspective is Everything
[Music]
you know
sometimes the things in life that are
most challenging
turn out to be those things that are
most enriching that teach us
the most if and that’s a big if
if you’re willing to learn something if
you choose the right perspective
you see what we need in the face of big
challenges is perseverance now
here’s what most people don’t know
perseverance can
arrive for you from a negative place
with negative energy
or from a positive place full of
possibilities too often we use anger
and frustration even hatred in certain
very difficult situations to get us
through and
it works but it does damage when we
choose that version of perseverance so
when i think about breaking barriers i
think about the positive path
forward the one that feeds your soul
instead of leaving a hole in it
the one where you see challenges and
choose because everything in life
is a choice you choose to see the glass
half full to find the silver lining to
look
for the lesson that is the version of
perseverance ultimately
that helps you through the most
difficult challenges now
i’ve been lucky to to to go through many
things that have taught me this lesson
but i think
the most interesting example involves
something my dad taught me many years
ago
during his journey here on planet earth
it goes like this i was sitting in
college station texas
writing a very dorky academic paper that
no one ever
enjoyed believe me the telephone rang it
was my mother i picked
up the phone now you know how you can
hear someone who you know very very well
and tell in an instant that something is
just
off in their voice well i heard that and
i was about to ask her what’s wrong mom
but i couldn’t the reason was
she got off the line she was choked up
got off the line a man
got on the phone and he identified
himself as dr so and so
as soon as i heard doctor well i snapped
out of that pretty selfish place
i was at working on what i was working
on and i remembered the obvious my dad
was scheduled for what we thought
was a routine gallbladder related
surgery that day i mean
if there is anything routine about a
surgery right so
he says to me i’m very sorry your mother
can’t speak i need to tell you this
i i led the team that went in to work on
your father today
and it turns out the organ is not
malfunctioning exactly the way we
thought but as a result of something
much different in fact worse i’m sorry
to tell you this but your dad
has cancer and he told me the name of it
it was a rare cancer
apparently usually affects women not men
it was in little bits and pieces all
over his abdomen and he said i’m sorry
this is late stage there’s just nothing
that can be done
i’m sorry so look if you’ve ever
received information like that you know
what i know that hits you like a truck
and
knocks the air clean out of you but i do
love
candor i really do and that is a
defining characteristic of high
performing teams and when i hear kander
which i think we all
can agree is often in short supply
i like it and i say thanks and so i
thanked him for shooting straight with
me and then asked him the obvious wait a
minute doc
what are you saying what’s the outlook
for my dad
and he said i’m not going to mince words
with you this is very serious you know
what
i’d probably give him three or four
weeks if at all possible you need to
come see your father
i thanked him hung up the phone picked
it up again called colleagues at texas a
m university where i was working on my
doctorate and said hey i need you to
cover these courses i’m teaching
they said of course go and i did that i
flew quickly
to tampa florida where my mother and
father were living at the time i walked
in that house and did exactly what every
one of you would expect me to do i
hugged and cried with mom and dad right
there
in the den as soon as i walked in little
family therapy right
when we were done just a few minutes
later dad and i did what we had done so
many times before we
walked out that front door together to
go for a walk father and
son i am charlie’s kid let me tell you
that guy
can talk all day long he was gifted with
it and i am his son and i can talk
all day long when the two of us got
together
it was a competition for air time
we had many years of walking and talking
many hours of walking
and talking but that day for the first
time literally ever
in our lives we just walked
and no one said a word and that was
strange and heavy and surreal
wasn’t what i expected i didn’t know
what to do and we kept walking an hour
later no one said anything we’re still
walking it was too heavy for me and i
chose to think back to something
interesting and lighthearted maybe even
fun and i started thinking about a few
friends and some
sometimes back in high school but
inevitably i came back to my dad’s
story and i remembered something
interesting that i’d like to share with
you up until
my senior year in high school the truth
is i did not like
my father by being blunt with you
i detested the man most of the time
the reason is that he was a dedicated
over achieving
superstar alcoholic now
statistically i know how many of you
give or take can
relate to that and i’m not complaining
this is just the hand that i was
dealt i’m just telling you the truth i
didn’t like him at all because the whole
community knew who he was yeah
and they had seen him walking the
streets stumbling yeah they’d seen him
get the duis they’d seen him removed
from the
stands hitting my high school basketball
games while i was playing
for disorderly conduct by the police
and they looked at me and they wondered
does the apple fall
far from the tree and i was pretty
passionate
about answering that question by saying
yes
it does i am not going to be anything
like him watch me be
anything but him and that drove me and
it’s negative
it worked i persevered but it put a few
holes in me
in my soul did some damage
and i’ve learned something new since
then but it got me through it got me
through he was horrible
until my senior year you know what
happened he went to work one day he got
drunk at home and then he went to work
because well
dad was a typical drinker you know most
drinkers when do they drink
at night well that’s not good enough for
a whole lot of them the morning comes
and they look at their coffee and they
go
i know how to make that better and they
had their alcohol of choice dad did that
really well and eventually he said who
needs
coffee he went to work for the umpteenth
time drunk and
a person a real man his name’s bob drake
my dad’s boss pulled him into his office
shut the door and said
listen carefully i’m done talking to you
i’ve given you way too many second
chances i missed the guy we hired that
guy was great
man we were so excited and he was here
for a while then he faded then he turned
into you
i’m now getting in trouble the team’s
getting in trouble it’s not just about
you
it’s over today i’m sorry
you’re fired or
or if you want to i got permission from
corporate i didn’t have to
but i got permission we’d like to send
you to rehab because we want that guy
back that person
we missed we want him back that’s your
choice right now you’re fired or rehab
what do you say
that didn’t take long he said i’ll go
bob drake gave him an address
he said get your stuff go home be there
at 8 o’clock in the morning dad went
home took that piece of paper threw it
at my mom and said
be in the car 7 30 in the morning then
you got a bottle
usually had a glass not that night he
just took the bottle
he got blackout drunk we found him in
the car in the morning
7 30 waiting on us mom drove i took
shotgun and we
while we drove to the address on that
paper no one said a word very strange
when we got there door open dad walked
out he went through the front door of
this establishment i didn’t know what to
say what to think how to feel it just
felt strange the only thing i knew
was that at home for three months it was
going to be different and it was
it was it was strangely lighthearted and
fun being with mom no one yelling and
screaming and throwing things
the way i was pretty used to
it was strange and it went fast when it
was over we went back to the address on
that little piece of paper
and we waited and the doors opened and a
person walked out now listen i saw
this man and i knew that that was my dad
but there was something very very
different about him and i couldn’t put
my finger on it but i
kept watching and i noticed that the way
he walked his gate
was different the way he looked at us
when he saw us and held his head
was different i mean he was smiling i
didn’t know he could smile
to be honest with you he got in the car
he bounced
kind of and got in the car and my mom
was so excited
and they embraced him and then he looked
at me all excited and i did not
return the enthusiasm no i was there to
support my mom
look i had spent a lifetime literally
building up a wall
to make sure that i wouldn’t be affected
by this person and i wasn’t ready to let
it down and we went
home weeks later college started the
only way i could afford
college was to live at home and i was
lucky to do so
and this person this new person my dad
showed up week one knock knock knock on
my bedroom door hey you want to go for a
walk it was my dad and our very obese
family dog
you want to go for a walk and i said no
and i wasn’t
i wasn’t even necessarily nice about it
then i chucked my door and get back to
whatever i was doing
and that’s how i felt in week two three
and four he did the same thing and i
said no
and i’m not sure why but he stayed at it
talk about perseverance and breaking
barriers
he stayed at it week eight
rolls around semester one knock knock
hey you want to go for a walk and i
don’t know why
i don’t know why then i said okay
i walked out of the house with my dad
and we started walking and
talking and i figured out very quick he
was
funny what he was funny he was
insightful he was clever he was
witty i never knew any of these things
about him
we had a blast talking about everything
we talked about religion and politics
and sports and business
we talked about the crazy neighbors we
talked about everything
i don’t think that we solved any
problems that night
but we had a blast for the first time
chewing the fat
as father and son
fast forward many years i’m in tampa
florida i’m walking with my dad he’s now
he’s got three to four weeks to go if
he’s lucky
no one said a word my dad gets tired
sits down right on a bench
by a pond in his neighborhood and i sat
next to him and i’ll be honest with you
because you’ve been there you know what
i’m talking about
i was marinating in the negativity kind
of stewing in the heaviness of it all
spiraling in an unproductive way
and i did that for i don’t know how long
until i heard a sound that surprised me
and pulled me out of it it was a
a sound i didn’t see coming it was the
sound
of laughter
what i looked next to me there’s my dad
73 three or four weeks ago
he’s laughing at me he’s looking down
his glasses like dads
do and he says well you’re clearly
sitting over there thinking a bunch of
negative thoughts
aren’t you and i said yes sir because i
get that
i’ve done a lot of that but i’m done
there’s a better way
i said what do you mean he goes well the
doctors are pretty clear
i have this situation and nothing can be
done about it but you know what how i
feel about it that’s up to me
i could be angry he said angry
i’m not gonna watch your children grow
up the way i thought i was
angry i don’t get to go home many more
times and see that woman who after 40
plus years i still love
angry i don’t get to walk out to this
pond many more times and chase fish
like i love to do angry i did that i’m
done there’s a better way
i said what do you mean dad he goes well
it’s true how i feel about this is up to
me
i could be angry but this is up to me
it’s wholly entirely completely and
utterly up to me
i choose to be happy i said
happy he said no thrilled why not i’m
sitting here doing what i love most in
life
i’m talking to my best friend
and when we’re done i’m gonna go home
and i’m gonna eat
whatever she cooked because it’s always
amazing and tomorrow morning you know
what i have pretty good odds of putting
two feet on the floor and when i do
i’m gonna walk out to that pond
and chase some fish that’s my choice now
he didn’t know it that day but he
actually made that gesture which
of course is seared in my brain
forevermore
it was an honor to watch a person in
that position
make that choice the way he did they
gave dad
a few weeks if he was lucky he lived for
the better part of two and a half years
through many rounds of chemo before it
eventually got him and during that time
a whole lot of it was in really good
shape and really good
spirits i watched a person choose
perspective
choose a path towards perseverance
defined
by a positive outlook which is a choice
it’s a choice when he saw you he smiled
and he meant it when you fed him food he
was grateful for it
and it was obvious if he saw you he was
gonna hug you he had real gratitude
choice
every day the doctors who i saw many
times during this journey pulled me
aside and told me i can’t prove this
the way i want to scientifically but i’m
telling you right now
the best explanation for his unexpected
longevity and good spirits
is the fact that he woke up every day
and made the choice to frame that
situation as positively
as possible i love that lesson that he
taught me and it applies to any
challenge
that you face as well absolutely
positively any challenge can be seen
positively or negatively dad’s choice
was wise
now as a social scientist i can tell you
anyone can adopt that perspective
anyone can choose to see glass half full
lesson
learned silver lining opportunity
and i’m reminded every time i face a
challenge that i’m so lucky my dad
taught me that lesson and i’m grateful
to share it with you
the next time you face a serious
challenge i hope you’ll remember it as
well
good luck