Breaking Down the Wall of Everything is Fine The Power of Authenticity
[Music]
when my son was in kindergarten
his teacher said that he expressed a
great amount of empathy
i thought how he developed empathy at
such a young age
what had allowed for this to happen so
when i asked her she said
it’s probably something he learned from
home but i wanted to figure out how
how do we develop empathy and i was
going to learn
it was through living authentically here
let me explain
i’m going to take you on a journey one
of my own self-discovery
where i learn that living a more
authentic life
will lead to deeper relationships and
allow for an empathetic heart
to be born in a five-year-old with any
good rewind of self-discovery
or looking at your own life i needed to
think about my own childhood
i thought was this something i too had
learned at a young age
and therefore i was just passing it on
through the generations
well when i thought about it my family
really valued
privacy and stoicism it was as if we had
built
a wall where we showed out to the world
that everything was fine
and we kept our feelings and emotions in
so that wasn’t quite it but i was
reminded of a transformation
i had at work one that would end up
playing a big role in how my son gained
his empathetic heart
so let me explain a little bit about
what i do at the ripe old age of
29 i landed my dream job
i get to help students transition from
high school to college
by going on backpacking trips where we
get to help them
hike steep terrain challenge themselves
see beautiful vistas cook food over our
camp stove
and have wonderful conversations at
night
you see when you land your dream job at
29 i personally felt like i needed to
prove myself
so let me show you how that looked
there was a point in the summer where
it’s august
and at this point we’re working every
day of the month
i had already been to work that day and
it was a weekend and i was home
and getting some things together before
i headed back to the office
i needed to have a cup of coffee i
needed to
have that cup of joe to give me some
more energy so what i did is i took
my canister much like this one down off
the shelf and put it
on the counter except i missed the
counter and it went crashing
to the floor you see when i looked down
and there was coffee everywhere and
ceramic pot
there was also some blood because my toe
is what broke the fall of that canister
so as i’m cleaning it up and trying to
bandage it and i can hear my son
who’s about seven months old crying i
call my friend who’s a nurse and ask her
to come over and help me
when she gets there she looks at my toe
and she cleans it up and says oh you’re
gonna need stitches
i say stitches i do not have time for
stitches
what else do you got she goes well we
could super glue it shut
perfect sign me up super glue it shut
here we go
off to work ahead well that ends up
leading to infection
multiple doctor visits and needing to
re-slice my toe open later so it can
heal
properly you see i was more concerned
about portraying the facade of
everything was
fine and that i was in control instead
of letting people see
behind that wall that i just needed a
little self-care
so a couple years later in this journey
my son’s about two and a half now and
i’m going through my own
major life transformation and i’m
getting a divorce
i’m learning what it means to be a
single mom living on my own
a new financial situation and still
trying to balance
my job my career
so that summer when we’re out on our
training trips
we’ve just finished a day of backpacking
and we’ve
set camp and we’ve finished our meal and
we have what’s called a nalgene fire
this is where we take a headlamp and put
around our water bottles
and they glow these beautiful colors and
this becomes our campfire for the
evening
and you see that year i was just
thirsting for more
so when i asked my staff what is the
fear you have
about this summer i decided to answer
first and i said i fear i won’t be
enough
i do not know how i am going to be there
for you
24 7. should you have a leadership
emergency or an
emergency evac situation and still be
there for my son who also needs me 24 7.
you see it was the first time i let
people see behind that we don’t talk
about it wall
and little did i know that showing my
authentic
self would break down walls and create a
stronger foundation
stronger than any wall i ever could have
built
sharing the realness of my life was the
most authentic thing i’d done
and it birthed his desire for other more
real relationships in my life
and it spawned my empathetic side
so i’m trying out this whole
authenticity thing at work
and i’m also realizing i’m doing it at
home as well
so i specifically remember a time when i
was shopping with my son
and i’m holding this thing in my hand
that i really want
and you see it was a want it wasn’t a
need and i look at it
and i put it back on the shelf and he
says to me mommy why aren’t you buying
that and i say
i can’t afford it you see i knew my
situation would eventually change
and i could afford things later but i
was just like i can’t afford it honey
i was given good advice when going to my
divorce
that our children will watch how we
handle difficult times
and in turn they will learn how to
handle their own
difficult times for it’s not a child’s
burden to carry their parents pain
but it is our job to help our children
understand how to navigate their own
pain
so we would laugh and cry together we’d
have good days and hard days
and you see there was no we don’t talk
about it wall
i chose not to build it
and in that summer of change and
transformation for me there’s another
important morning
and this morning is when we send a group
of young leaders off to lead backpacking
trips on the west coast across the
country
so we get up early and we send them on a
shuttle to catch a plane to fly all day
and for me the best parallel i can draw
is it must be like dropping your kid off
at college
you want to hug them goodbye i wanted to
look them in the eyes and say
i believe in you i picked you for a
reason and i know you can do this job
but how was i gonna do that at five in
the morning with a sleeping child
because parents and caregivers out there
know that we don’t
love waking sleeping children it usually
leads to
cranky children for the rest of the day
but you know what i do not remember if
he was cranky because what i remember
is this beautiful sunrise and this cute
little kid in his pj
singing to the leaders and you see
that morning they saw me show up they
saw my messy beautiful
not perfect life they saw me balance
being a mom
and a leader and since that summer my
staff has become a family
because they’ve seen me as someone who
is trying and not somebody who is faking
it
i have then had the privilege of
supporting them through their highest of
highs
and their lowest of lows you see for the
staff this job has become
about a journey to living authentically
they get to show up be messy and still
be worthy i’ve learned that there is no
substitute for true
genuine human connection and
authenticity can be the foundation for
which we build these stronger
more real relationships creating
environments of both
acceptance and empathy in our personal
and professional lives
you see when i showed up when i came
out from behind that we don’t talk about
it wall and started showing my true and
authentic self
something really cool happened it
allowed
others the chance to do so as well
real conversations happened connections
reformed
and empathetic hearts were born
one of my biggest takeaways in this
journey is that i have learned that it
is okay to be real and authentic with
our children
it allows them to have a greater
understanding of feelings and emotions
at such a young age you see it turns out
that my son’s teacher was right all
along
he had been learning empathy at home
when i learned to be my authentic self