The power of vulnerability Bren Brown
so I’ll start with this a couple years
ago an event planner called me because I
was going to do a speaking event and she
called and she said I’m really
struggling with how to write about you
on the little flyer and I thought well
what’s the struggle and she said well I
saw you speak and I I’m going to call
you a researcher I think but I’m afraid
if I call your researcher no one will
come because they’ll think you’re boring
and irrelevant and say okay and she said
so but the thing I liked about your talk
is you know you’re a storyteller so I
think what I’ll do is just call you a
storyteller and of course the academic
insecure part of me was like you’re
going to call me a wet and she said I’m
going to call you a storyteller and I
was like why not magic pixie I was like
I I don’t I let me think about this for
a second and so I tried to call deep on
my courage and I thought you know I am a
storyteller I’m a qualitative researcher
I collect stories that’s what I do and
maybe stories are just data with a soul
you know and maybe I’m just a
storyteller so I said you know what why
don’t you just say I’m a researcher
storyteller and she went there’s no such
thing so I’m a researcher storyteller
and I’m going to talk to you today we’re
talking about expanding perception and
so I want to talk to you and tell some
stories about a piece of my research
that fundamentally expanded my
perception and really actually changed
the way that I live and love and work
and parent and this is where my story
starts when I was a young researcher a
doctoral student my first year I had a
research professor who said to us here’s
the thing if you cannot measure it it
does not exist and I thought he was just
sweet-talking me I was like really and
he’s like absolutely so you have to
understand that I have a bachelors in
social work of Masters in Social Work
and I was getting my PhD in social work
so my entire academic career was
surrounded by people who kind of
believed in the life’s messy
love it you know and I’m more the life’s
messy clean it up organize it and put it
into a bento box and so to think that
had found my way to found a career that
takes me you know really one of the big
sayings and in social work is lean in to
the discomfort of the work and I’m like
you know knock discomfort upside the
head and move it over and get all A’s
that’s my that was my mantra so I was
very excited about this and so I thought
you know what this is the career for me
because I am interested in some messy
topics but I want to be able to make
them not messy I want to understand them
I want to hack into these things I know
are important and lay the code out for
everyone to see so where I started was
with connection because by the time
you’re a social worker for 10 years what
you realize is that connection is why
we’re here it’s what gives purpose and
meaning to our lives
this is this is what it’s all about it
doesn’t matter whether you talk to
people who work in social justice and
mental health and abuse and neglect what
we know is that connection the ability
to feel connected is neuro biologically
that’s how we’re wired it’s why we’re
here so I thought you know what I’m
going to start with connection well you
know that that situation where you get
an evaluation from your boss and she
tells you 37 things that you do really
awesome and one thing that you can’t you
know an opportunity for growth and all
you can think about is that opportunity
for growth right well apparently this is
the way my work went as well because
when you ask people about love they tell
you about heartbreak when you ask people
about belonging they’ll tell you the
most excruciating experiences of being
excluded and when you ask people about
connection the stories they told me were
about disconnection
so very quickly really about six weeks
into this research I ran into this
unnamed thing that absolutely unraveled
connection in a way that I didn’t
understand or had never seen and so I
pulled back out of the Reece
Virgen thought i need to figure out what
this is and it turned out to be shame
and shame is really easily understood as
the fear of disconnection is there
something about me that if other people
know it or see it that I won’t be worthy
of connection the things I can tell you
about it it’s universal we all have it
the only people who don’t experience
shame have no capacity for human empathy
or connection no one wants to talk about
it and unless you talk about the more
you have it
what underpinned this shame this I’m not
good enough which we all know that
feeling
I’m not blank enough I’m not thin enough
rich enough beautiful not smart enough
promoted enough the thing that
underpinned this was excruciating
vulnerability this idea of an order for
connection to happen we have to allow
ourselves to be seen really seen and you
know how I feel about vulnerability I
hate vulnerability and so I thought this
is my chance to beat it back with my
measuring stick I’m going in I’m going
to figure this stuff out I’m going to
spend a year I’m going to totally
deconstruct shame I’m going to
understand how vulnerability works and
I’m going to outsmart it so I was ready
and I was really excited as you know
it’s not going to turn out well
you know this so I could tell you a lot
about shame but I’d have to borrow
everyone else’s time but here’s what I
can tell you that it boils down to and
this may be one of the most important
things that I’ve ever learned in the
decade of doing this research my one
years turned into six years thousands of
stories hundreds of long interviews
focus groups at one point people were
sending me journal pages and sending me
their stories on thousands of pieces of
data and six years and I kind of got a
handle on it I kind of understood this
is what shame is this is how it works I
wrote a book I published a theory but
something was not okay and what it was
is that if i roughly took the people I
interviewed and divided them into people
who really have a sense of worthiness
that’s what this comes down to a sense
of worthiness they have a strong sense
of love and belonging and folks who
struggle for it and folks who are always
wondering if they’re good enough
there was only one variable that
separated the people who have a strong
sense of love and belonging and the
people who really struggle for it and
that was the people who have a strong
sense of love and belonging believe
they’re worthy of love and belonging sit
they believe they’re worthy and to me
the hard part of the one thing that
keeps us out of connection is our fear
that were not worthy of connection was
something that personally and
professionally I felt like I needed to
understand better so what I did is I
took all of the interviews where I saw
worthiness where I saw people living
that way and just looked at those what
do these people have in common and I
have I have a slight office-supply
addiction but it’s another talk so I had
a vanilla note but an in manila folder
and I had a sharpie and I was like what
am I going to call this research in the
first words that came to my mind were
wholehearted these are kind of
wholehearted people living from this
deep sense of worthiness so I wrote at
the top of the manila folder
and I started looking at the data in
fact I did it first in this very four
and afford a very intensive data
analysis where I went back pulled these
interviews pulled the stories pulled the
incidents what’s the what’s the theme
what’s the pattern my husband left town
with the kids because I always go into
this kind of Jackson Pollock crazy thing
where I’m just like writing and going
and kind of just in my researcher mode
and so here’s what I found what they had
in common was a sense of courage and I
want to separate courage and bravery for
you for a minute
courage the original definition of
courage when it first came into the
English language it’s from the Latin
word cur meaning heart and the original
definition was to tell the story of who
you are with your whole heart and so
these folks had very simply the courage
to be imperfect they had the compassion
to be kind to themselves first and then
to others because as it turns out we
can’t practice compassion with other
people if we can’t treat ourselves
kindly and the last was they had
connection and this was the hard part
as a result of authenticity they were
willing to let go of who they thought
they should be in order to be who they
were which is you have to absolutely do
that for connection the other thing that
they had in common was this
they fully embraced vulnerability they
believed that what made them vulnerable
made them beautiful they didn’t talk
about vulnerability being comfortable
nor did they really talked about it
being excruciating as I had heard
earlier in the shame interviewing they
just talked about it being necessary
they talked about the willingness to say
I love you first the willingness to do
something where there are no guarantees
the willingness to breathe through
waiting for the doctor to call after
your mammogram the willing to invest in
a relationship that may or may not work
out they thought this was fundamental I
personally thought it was betrayal I
could not believe I had pledged
allegiance to research where our job you
know the definition of research is to
control control and predict a study
phenomenon for the reason for the
explicit reason to control and predict
and now my very you know my mission to
control and predict had turned up the
answer that the way to live is with
vulnerability and to stop controlling
and predicting this led to a little
breakdown
which actually looked more like this and
it did it led to a I call to break down
my therapist calls it a spiritual
awakening spiritual awakening sounds
better than breakdown but I assure you
it was a breakdown and I had to put my
data away and go find a therapist let me
tell you something you know who you are
when you call your friends and say I
think I need to see somebody who do you
have any recommendations because about
five my friends like whoo I wouldn’t
want to be your therapist what does that
mean even though I I am just saying you
know like don’t bring your measuring
stick uh okay so I found a therapist my
first meeting with her Diana I brought
in my list of the way the wholehearted
live and I sat down and she said you
know how are you and I said I’m great
you know I’m okay and she said what’s
going on and I said and this is a
therapist who sees therapists because we
have to go to those because they’re BS
meters or good and so I said here’s the
thing I’m struggling and she said what’s
the struggle and I said well I have a
vulnerability issue and you know and I
know that vulnerability is kind of the
core of shame and fear and our struggle
for worthiness but it appears that it’s
also the birthplace of joy of creativity
of belonging of love and I think I have
a problem and I just I need some help
and I said but here’s the thing
no family stuff no childhood I just
I just need some strategies
thank you um so she goes like this and
then I said it’s bad right
she said it’s neither good nor bad it
just is what it is and I said oh my god
this is going to suck and it did and it
didn’t and it took about a year and you
know how there are people that like when
they realize that vulnerability and
tenderness are important that they kind
of surrender and walk into it eh
That’s not me and B I don’t even hang
out with people like that
for me it was a year-long street fight
it was a slugfest vulnerability pushed I
push back I lost the fight but probably
won my life back and so then I went back
into the research and spent the next
couple of years really trying to
understand what they the wholehearted
what the choices they were making and
and what what is what what are we doing
with vulnerability why do we struggle
with it so much am I alone and
struggling with vulnerability No so this
is what I learned we numb vulnerability
when we’re waiting for the call it was
funny I sent something out on Twitter
and on Facebook that says how would you
define vulnerability what makes you feel
vulnerable and within an hour and a half
I had 150 responses because I wanted to
know you know what what’s out there
having to ask my husband for help
because I’m sick and we’re newly married
initiating sex with my husband
initiating sex with my wife being turned
down asking someone out waiting for the
doctor to call back getting laid off
laying off people this is the world we
live in we live in a vulnerable world
and one of the ways we deal with it is
we numb vulnerability and I think
there’s evidence it’s not the only
reason this evidence exists but I think
that there it’s
huge cause we are the most in debt obese
addicted and medicated adult cohort in
US history the problem is and I learned
this from the research that you cannot
selectively numb emotion you can’t say
here’s the bad stuff
here’s vulnerability here’s grief here’s
Shane here’s fear here’s disappointment
I don’t want to feel these I’m going to
have a couple of beers and a Banana Nut
muffin I don’t want to feel these and I
know that’s it I know that’s knowing
laughter i hack into your lives for a
living I know that’s God
you can’t numb those hard feelings
without numbing the other FX or emotions
you cannot selectively know so when we
numb those we numb joy we numb gratitude
we numb happiness and then we are
miserable and we are looking for purpose
and meaning and then we feel vulnerable
so then we have a couple of beers in a
Banana Nut muffin and it becomes this
dangerous cycle one of the things that I
think that we need to think about is why
and how we numb and it doesn’t just have
to be addiction the other thing we do is
we make everything that’s uncertain
certain religion has gone from a belief
in faith and mystery to certainty I’m
right you’re wrong shut up that’s it
just certain
the more afraid we are the more
vulnerable are the more afraid we are
this is what politics looks like today
there’s no discourse anymore there’s no
conversation
there’s just blame you know what blame
you know how blame is described in the
research a way to discharge pain and
discomfort we perfect if there’s anyone
who wants their life to look like this
it would be me but it doesn’t work
because what we do is we take fat from
our butts and put it in our cheeks
which Jess I hope in 100 years people
will look back and go and we perfect
most dangerously our children let me
tell you what we think about children
they’re hardwired for struggle when they
get here when you sold those perfect
little babies in your hand our job is
not to say look at her she’s perfect my
job is just to keep her perfect make
sure she makes the tennis team by fifth
grade and Yale by seventh grade that’s
not our job our job is to look and say
you know what you’re imperfect and
you’re wired for struggle but you are
worthy of love and belonging that’s our
job
show me a generation of kids raise like
that and we’ll end the problems I think
that we see today we pretend that what
we do doesn’t have an effect on people
we do that in our personal lives we do
that corporate whether it’s a bailout an
oil spill a recall we pretend like what
we’re doing does it have a huge impact
on other people I would say to companies
this is not our first rodeo people we
just need you to be authentic and real
and say we’re sorry we’ll fix it but
there’s another way and I’ll leave you
with this this is what I have found to
let ourselves be seen deeply seen
vulnerably seem to love with our whole
hearts even though there’s no guarantee
and that’s really hard I can tell you as
a parent that’s excruciating ly
difficult to practice gratitude and joy
in those moments of kind of terror when
we’re wondering can I love you this much
can I believe in this as passionately
can I be this fierce about this just to
be able to stop and instead of
catastrophizing what might happen to say
I’m just so grateful because to feel
this vulnerable means I’m alive and the
last which I think is probably the most
important is to believe that we’re
enough because when we work from a place
I believe that says I’m enough
then we stop screaming and start
listening
we’re kinder and gentler to the people
around us and we’re kind or and gentler
to ourselves that’s all I have