Lets get honest about our money problems Tammy Lally
Have you every had to break
your family’s rules?
Today, I’m breaking mine,
around money, secrecy and shame.
In 2006, on my brother Keith’s
40th birthday, he called.
“Tam, I’m in dire straits.
I wouldn’t ask unless I had to.
Can I borrow 7,500 dollars?”
This wasn’t the first time
he needed quick cash,
but this time, his voice frightened me.
I had never heard him
so beaten down and shameful,
and it was on his 40th birthday.
After a few basic questions
that we would all ask,
I agreed to loan him the money,
but under one condition:
that as the financial
professional in the family,
I wanted to meet with him and his wife
to see what was really happening.
Weeks later, we met
at the local Starbucks,
and I started right in
with the tough-love budget conversation.
“You should sell the house,
downsize to something you can afford,
sell the toys.
And Starbucks?
Give up the five-dollar-a-day coffee.”
You know, all the trappings that we do
to keep up with the Joneses.
Quickly, my brother and his wife
went into a fearsome blame game,
and it got messy.
I vacillated between therapist
and pissed-off sister.
I wanted them to be better than this.
“Come on, you two. Get your shit together.
You’re parents.
Grow up and buck up.”
After we left, I called my mom,
but Keith beat me to it,
and he told her that I wasn’t helpful.
In fact, he was hurt
and felt ganged-up on.
Of course he did. I shamed him
with my tough-love budget conversation.
Two months went by when I received a call.
“Tam? I have bad news.
Keith committed suicide last night.”
Days later, at his home,
I went looking for answers,
in his “office” – the garage.
There, I found a stack
of overdue credit card bills
and a foreclosure notice served to him
on the day that he died.
My brother left behind
his beautiful 10-year-old daughter,
his brilliant 18-year-old son,
weeks before his high school graduation,
and his wife of 20 years.
How did this happen?
My brother was caught
in our family’s money-shame cycle,
and he was far from alone in this.
Suicide rates among adults ages 40 to 64
have risen nearly 40 percent since 1999.
Job loss, bankruptcy and foreclosures
were present in nearly
40 percent of the deaths,
with white middle-aged men
accounting for seven out of 10 suicides.
What I’ve learned
is that our self-destructive
and self-defeating financial behaviors
are not driven
by our rational, logical minds.
Instead, they are a product
of our subconscious belief systems
rooted in our childhoods
and so deeply ingrained in us,
they shape the way that we deal with money
our entire adult lives,
and so many of you are left believing
that you’re lazy,
crazy or stupid – or just bad with money.
This is what I call money shame.
Dr. Brené Brown,
a well-known shame researcher,
defines shame as “the intensely
painful feeling or experience
of believing that we are flawed,
and therefore unworthy
of love and belonging.”
Based on this definition,
here’s how I’m defining money shame:
“the intensely painful
feeling or experience
of believing that we are flawed,
and therefore unworthy
of love and belonging,
based on our bank account balances,
our debts, our homes, our cars
and our job titles.”
Let me give you a couple
of examples of what I mean.
I believe that we all have money shame,
whether you earn
10,000 dollars a year or 10 million,
and it’s because we give money
all of our power.
Here’s what it would look like
if someone that you love, or you,
might have money shame.
They play the big shot,
always picking up the check,
financially rescuing family and friends.
They are financially secure,
but they live in a state
of chronic not-enoughness.
They drive a Mercedes, but their budget
really only can afford a Honda.
And they’re looking good at every cost.
I know that we can break free
from the grips of money shame,
because I did.
Shortly after my brother’s death,
the Recession hit.
I lost my business and faced bankruptcy.
Secretly, I was terrified.
I stayed in my home for a year,
thinking I did something wrong,
told myself, “What did you do?
What happened?”
I stayed silent, while all along,
I went outside and smiled.
Nobody knew.
That’s money shame.
So what I had to do
was let go of the grip that I had
on knowing all the answers.
I was the know-it-all in my family,
and I had to give up the idea
that a new financial plan
was the solution.
And so just like everything
in my life, for me,
I was sent a human to help,
and I accepted the help,
but I had to do major self-inquiry
about my family’s money history
and my money beliefs.
We have to start having this conversation.
Money can no longer be a taboo topic.
We have to get honest with each other
that we’re suffering with money issues,
and let’s get real – we have to stop
numbing out our pain.
In order to uncover the painful parts
of your money story
and your money history,
you can’t be numb.
We have to let go of our past
in order to be free.
Letting go of the past
happens through surrender,
faith and forgiveness.
Debt is the tangible manifestation
of not forgiving.
If you have debt, you’ve not
completely forgiven your past,
so it’s our work
to forgive ourselves and others
so that we can live freely.
Otherwise, our history
will continue to repeat.
This is not a quick fix,
and I know we all want one,
but it’s a slow wake-up.
This is another level of work.
We have to go higher to get it,
to get at it.
So try this: follow your dollars.
Your money will show you
right away what you value.
Where’s it going?
And then ask yourself:
Do I really value all this stuff?
And get curious about
what you’re feeling when you’re spending.
Are you lonely?
Are you bored?
Or are you just excited?
But there’s deeper work
that needs to happen.
How did you get all these
money beliefs to begin with?
I call this your money autobiography,
and as a money coach, this is
the first step I take with my clients.
Think back to your earliest
childhood money memory.
What did it feel like when you got money?
Were you excited, proud or confused?
And what did you do with the money?
Did you run with the candy store,
or did you run to the bank?
And what did you hear your parents say,
and what did you see
your parents do with the money?
My brother and I heard,
“More money will make us happy.”
Every day.
“More money will make us happy.”
And we internalized that
into the money belief
that our self worth was equal
to our net worth
as we watched our mom live in a state
of chronic not-enoughness.
And she numbed the pain
with sugar and shopping.
So what did we do?
Keith played out my mother’s life.
He was an underearner,
longed to be financially rescued,
and he numbed out the pain with alcohol.
I did the opposite.
I became a high earner,
rescuer,
and I numbed the pain out
with self-help books.
But what we had in common
was our money belief.
We both believed
that our bank account balance
was equal to our self worth.
Looking back at the Starbucks
meeting with my brother …
he didn’t need a budget and my judgment.
He needed a breakthrough
from his suffering,
and he needed my compassion.
Keith was not able
to be the one to speak up
and break our family money shame cycle,
so he left me to do the work
and share his legacy.
Change is difficult,
but in my family, not changing is fatal.
So I did the work,
and I have experienced deep
and profound forgiveness,
and as I stand here today,
I am living on purpose,
I serve, and money serves me.
It only takes one person in your family
to break through the money-shame cycle.
I want you to be the one.
Thank you.
(Applause)