Our Loneliness Problem
[Music]
i’m going to ask you
some personal questions and i want you
to take a moment to think about your
answers
using a scale of never rarely
sometimes always okay
never rarely sometimes
always you ready how often
do you find it hard to feel close to
people
how often do you feel left out
how often do you feel that no one really
knows you well
how often do you feel isolated from
others
how often do you find that there’s just
no one there to talk to
if you answered sometimes or always to
these questions
you may be more likely to be lonely like
me
i am alone i’m not alone in that
loneliness
in a widely publicized study presented
by cygnus health
in 2018 61
of those surveyed reported feeling very
lonely
i took the survey based on ucla’s
loneliness scale
with questions similar to those that you
just answered
and sure enough i suffer from loneliness
loneliness problem is a pervasive one so
much so that scientists have been
working to identify
causes and ways to prevent it as a
communication scholar i was
curious about the impact that this would
have on our
behaviors but as a person
i wanted to better understand my own
experience
to ward off some of the adverse effects
we have a serious problem here but i
believe
we can do something about it when we
consider the implications the new york
times attests that as we age
loneliness can impair our health by
raising stress hormones
it’s just not healthy to be in fight or
flight all the time this
in turn increases inflammation
inflammation that leads to
cardiovascular disease
type 2 diabetes arthritis
and dementia as if that weren’t enough
the centers for disease control and
prevention report that
social isolation significantly increases
a person’s risk
of premature death a risk that may rival
those of smoking
physical inactivity and obesity
right now we are living through an
unprecedented pandemic
and we are forcibly isolated
the cdc identified many common reactions
to the pandemic that could complicate
our mental
health such as feelings of guilt fear
uncertainty and loneliness
in april 2020 the national center for
health statistics launched a survey
and partnership with the united states
census bureau to try to determine the
impact that this could have on our
overall health
from the period of april to june the
weekly survey found that americans
across nearly all
age groups reported a steady increase
in depression symptoms now please don’t
confuse
loneliness with depression depression
for many is a very
real and serious condition and requires
medical treatment
this is still a cause for concern
because loneliness isn’t just a
temporary experience
all too often it creates a cycle of
isolation
right now we are living through an
unprecedented pandemic
and it’s ensuing quarantine one that
will surely impact the way we live for a
long time to come
the truth is this gives us time to
think about things like loneliness
it’s hard to talk about this though when
beginning to write this talk i wanted to
reach out to my 500 plus friends on
social media
to ask if they were lonely and to invite
them to take the same survey i took
to prove it i couldn’t do it though it’s
just not a topic we talk about
you know i moved a lot as a teenager and
each time i had to work to make new
friends and fit in
it became so difficult for me that i
hated high school
and i ended up quitting all together
instead of reaching out for support or
social outlets
i just gave up i needed help
but i was too embarrassed to have this
conversation
and that has to stop why don’t we talk
about
it 61
that’s a majority that means if you
don’t feel lonely
someone you know does this is obvious
it’s a problem we all
share we don’t talk about it because
like so much of the human experience
there’s a stigma associated with
loneliness
stigma as dr pierre labol points out
is a process of being shamed
and excluded from society it’s a process
so in that process we can break the
cycle
by talking more openly about loneliness
we normalize this common human emotion
and we stop the stigma
by redefining our own experience with
loneliness
we begin to heal and we take away its
power
to hurt us loneliness is defined in
several ways
but as educator researcher and
psychiatrist dr shaunra
savarda tawari points out it is our
perception
of being alone and isolated that matters
most
so and hear me out
if we redefine loneliness
as an opportunity for growth
we can consider this time spent
as a place for peace
rest self-reflection
and solitude but we have to start this
conversation
how do we do that and what does it look
like well
for me it was a ted talk
for you it can be something much easier
than this
so recently without any provocation from
me whatsoever
a friend of mine did something
extraordinary
she posted a question on facebook she
asked
what are some ways to deal with
loneliness other than alcohol
and yes she means healthy ways we often
deal
with loneliness and unhealthy
self-destructive ways
the responses were pretty amazing many
people
shared their experience with alcohol and
the negative impacts that ensued
others offered a hand
call your old friend i’d love to catch
up come
social distance visit me i miss you
others offered advice like self-care
self-reflection or just doing something
new
fun exciting rewarding trying a new
recipe
or something as simple as going out and
taking a walk in the sunshine
or cuddling your pets
best of all what this showed us is that
others have been there
and they care and it also broke that
cycle of isolation and silence that
often accompanies
loneliness another thing i learned
through the course of writing this talk
is that when i shared my idea
with others they opened up
about their experience with loneliness
this allowed for a real connection and
that connection
means so much
there is research that suggests there’s
a positive outcome to this pandemic
while our interest in meeting new people
may be diminishing over time
our desire to help them is not
a netherlands study published as a part
of a larger study on pro-social
development in adolescents
aged 10 to 20 years of age identified
that young people
are becoming more inclined to give to
strangers
and those most in need
the study examined 147 participants
before the quarantine and then again
after spending considerable time
in social isolation as they journal
their thoughts including their mood
desire to help others and their concern
for the well-being of others
and then they play dictator games this
is a game that rewards participants for
sharing resources
so the second report showed a higher
level
of giving to strangers
especially those impacted by covid19
healthcare workers and those at greater
risk
and to giving to friends which was
always the standard outcome
we are becoming more caring as a result
of the pandemic
now while it’s difficult to determine
whether these young participants will
act more altruistically
or more inclined to do good deeds they
should
another study published by the uc san
diego
centers for healthy aging determined
that empathy
and compassion could solve our
loneliness problem
participants were surveyed on
characteristics often associated with
wisdom
such as empathy compassion emotional
regulation
self-reflection alongside the ucla
loneliness scale
those who rated high in wisdom
categories
often rated low in loneliness
this research predicts that we could
affect these outcomes
we could make real change in the world
of loneliness
doing good makes us feel good
so doing good deeds helps us see the
world
through a positive lens as we overcome
adversity and we build resilience
i believe that through intentional
good deeds even small good deeds random
acts of kindness
even social distance volunteerism and
service to others
we become more familiar with ourselves
and we become our own companion
where we can truly find our solitude
we must take the time
to acknowledge what it feels like to be
alone
as we gain wisdom and insight by
reaching out to others
and doing good deeds and service
most importantly and this is the most
important thing of all we have to
realize
that we are not alone in our loneliness
and talk openly about it
this is the step that i have taken here
today
that we’ve now taken together
i know that this conversation can be
life-changing for someone
so reach out to one another and continue
this conversation
thank you
you