Stopping the clock on fear
[Music]
in the amount of time i have
to give this talk today will be the
exact amount of time
i was given left to live what i’m
choosing to share today
may be triggering for some so i’m
wanting to let you know
to take care of your heart
story starts april 17
2004 it’s a day i will never forget
i went on a last-minute trip to cancun
mexico
i was 19 and fearless
i was so spontaneous i didn’t even think
to take travel insurance
when we got to mexico we put our bathing
suits on as fast as we could because it
was the most beautiful day
when we got down to the beach we started
drinking
and then we met these guys where we
decided to start doing shots
i got so caught up in the moment that i
decided
that it’d be a great idea to go on a jet
ski
as i’m in the water with this guy i just
met on the beach
the waves were coming and crashing on
this jet ski i decided i wanted
to drive it so i got on it
and i went as fast as the jet ski could
go
and all i remember is going through the
waves
and being pulled back
and praying that this was just a
nightmare
my brain was telling my legs to move but
my legs weren’t moving
i could hear people screaming
and when i opened my eyes i realized
that this was my reality
when i got pulled to shore i told them
to take me to a general hospital
when i got there i realized they didn’t
have the means to take care of me
fortunately
my friend found me at this hospital
and paid them under the table so that i
could be brought
to a private hospital where upon arrival
they did scans and had a doctor come up
to me
and he looked me in the eyes and he said
danielle
you are internally bleeding to death and
you have 15 minutes
left to live 15 minutes
fear enveloped my whole body fear of
death was definitely there
but something else was there this
calm and peace came over me
i could not predict or control that next
15 minutes
i had to have faith that if i was meant
to be here that i would survive this
and if it was my time to go then it was
my time to go
well i woke to the mexican doctor who
saved my life
i broke my pelvis in half i broke my
right hip
and i cracked my tailbone i had an
external fixator on which is
um pulls drilled through my hips and
across my pelvis
i was told i may never walk properly
again
let alone do any other form of exercise
so when i came back to canada shame
enveloped my whole being i wanted to
hide
i i was so ashamed
i didn’t want to be seen by anyone i
could not stop thinking how bad a person
i am
how i’m so stupid how dare i put my
friends and family through this
and i wished that maybe i shouldn’t have
survived
i realized that i needed to get help
so i went to a therapist where upon
talking about my experience i also
shared
that i was having reoccurring nightmares
of my accident and flashbacks
and i’d even wake up and sweat so i was
diagnosed with post-traumatic stress
disorder
so how would i be able to go from
surviving
to thriving because that’s not linear
there are moments in my life where i
feel like i am barely surviving
and there are moments in my life where i
feel i’m absolutely thriving
and our stories are constantly shifting
and constantly evolving
this glimmer of hope that came into my
story
was in a january day i saw an
article in the local newspaper and
learned to run
10 kilometers it’s from the vancouver
sun and i thought to myself
i’ve never ran 10 kilometers before i’ve
never even done a race
this sounds like a challenge people who
cared about me
told me not to do it they said danielle
you could break your bones again don’t
do this run but that pain
inside and that desire to connect back
to my body was so
much stronger so fast forward
to april 17th 2005.
i’m at the start of the vancouver sun
run
i can hear the band plane i see
signs i believe in you you can do this
and i look over and i see my dad and my
sister who have trained with me
i start crying and i can’t stop
crying i’m crying so much that this man
comes up to me
and he puts his hand on my shoulder and
he goes it’s okay sweetie
it is not that hard of a race you’re
gonna be okay
little did that man know that an exact
year ago to date
i was told i had 15 minutes left to live
each and every one of us has a story
we just might not know them
in this moment when i was at that start
line my story started to unfold
where i was feeling so empowered not
only to myself
and connected but to others
i was feeling so connected that i
started
hiking up summits in my hot dog costume
to training for a full marathon
little did i know that this
clock on fear
was going to start again
less than a year later i was told
you have cervical cancer and i thought
why me why is this happening to me
and when you hear cancer what really
went on for me is i couldn’t hear
anything
afterwards so what i had to do
i stepped back took in some deep breaths
for sure
and i looked around and i saw that i had
my phenomenal
friends and family for support i had
medical doctors right there in front of
me
and i was able to realize that i’m here
for a reason
because early detection saves lives
and now part of my growth and healing
journey
is going and giving talks with the bc
cancer foundation
and the canadian cancer society in hopes
that by sharing that one female will go
and get her physical
so this clock in life
keeps running and the fear
hit me the hardest when my dad
was diagnosed with stage four prostate
cancer
i was in complete denial i thought there
is no
way my dad is going to die
you see my dad my sister and i we called
ourselves the three musketeers
there was nothing we didn’t do together
we lived together
we worked together we even traveled
together
so when it came time to go into the
hospital we would
go to every single hospital visit
together and every single
chemotherapy session
my relationship with what i thought was
meant to be strong started to shift
i thought strong meant internalizing
everything
but then i came to realize that strong
meant being open and sharing what was
really going on for me
i used humor a lot to deflect how i was
really feeling on the inside
because on the inside i was feeling lost
and empty
so how was i able to go from surviving
to seeing love through the eyes of grief
because if it wasn’t for that
unconditional love that my dad
shared with us i wouldn’t know what that
deep grief
means grief never goes away
it just changes and shifts
and my relationship with my dad never
died
it’s just shifted and evolved movement
has played a huge role in my life
so much so that my sister and i decided
to join the ride to conquer cancer
we did it the year my dad was alive and
it’s a bike ride
from vancouver canada to seattle
washington
it’s 250 kilometers my dad was so
proud of us that he even had shirts and
a hat made
seen three musketeers and i remember
doing this ride
and thinking to myself working through
this grief that i’m feeling
and connecting with all these other
riders because each and every rider on
this ride has their own story
has their own experience with grief and
loss and together
we’re connected and the sense of
community was so
rewarding for me i’m choosing not to
push
parts of me in the shadow anymore in
fear of what other people might think
i’m choosing to share all of me in hopes
that all of me will be seen and hurt
i’m now 36 years old
and choosing to stop the clock on fear
and not be defined by it
when i was 19 fearless meant something
completely different
fearless meant being invincible and now
i’ve come to realize
the importance of not taking a day for
granted and appreciating the smaller
things in life
and the second time the clock on fear
came i
realized the importance of going
to the doctor versus not knowing
and the third time the clock hit me the
hardest
was when i realized that to be fearless
meant
going through your grief and feeling
what you need to feel
when it comes to grief my story has
evolved
and now i’m a registered clinical
counselor
i feel absolutely privileged to be
working with others who may be
experiencing
grief and loss trauma
they may be feeling shame or anxiety
or maybe other experiences i feel
that the work that i have done has can
only help me
lead me to where i am helping others on
a much deeper level
one of the approaches i use is called
narrative therapy
and why i’m so passionate about
narrative therapy
is because we believe that we have
multiple stories that there is not
one single story not one single problem
that defines who we are it’s stepping
back and seeing that you are so much
more than whatever’s visiting you
so the clock on life it’s running
it’s there each and every one of us has
a clock
it’s whether or not we let fear define
us
and i’ll leave you with this do you want
to let fear define you
or be a part of your story
[Applause]
[Music]