7 common questions about workplace romance The Way We Work a TED series
Transcriber: Leslie Gauthier
Reviewer: Krystian Aparta
Workplace romance can be a tricky topic.
(Music)
[The Way We Work]
How do we manage the boundaries
between our personal
and professional lives?
How do we deal with gender imbalances
and power dynamics in the workplace?
There’s a lot of gray area
in workplace romance.
I’d like to take a few minutes
and answer some of your
frequently asked questions.
So, question one:
Should I date my coworker?
Uh … it depends.
Do you want to date
your coworker for a bit of fun?
Do you want to date
your coworker to hook up?
Because then you’re really
better off on Tinder.
If you want to date your coworker
because you really, sincerely think
you’re falling in love with them
or there’s a real potential
for a long-term, committed relationship,
maybe you should date your coworker.
Studies show that your coworkers
are generally positive about it
if they perceive
that you’re falling in love
and genuinely care about each other.
It’s when your coworkers sense
that something else is in play –
that can be disruptive.
Question two:
Should I date my boss?
In almost all cases, no,
you should not date your boss,
because now, you’ve got a power dynamic.
When there’s a relationship
between a boss and a subordinate,
it generates a lot of negative feelings,
and the negative feelings
tend to fall on the person
who’s lower on the totem pole.
People usually assume
some kind of favoritism,
some kind of inside knowledge,
and there can be resentment
stirred up by that.
There was a study published last year
that suggested dating a superior can even
have a negative impact on your career.
The researchers asked
third-party evaluators online
to imagine that they worked at a law firm.
They asked them to make recommendations
on which employee should get picked
for a special training program
and which should get promoted to partner.
They looked at credentials
for imaginary employees,
and when it was stated
that an employee had been dating
or was in a relationship with a superior,
the evaluators were less likely to pick
that person for the training program
or the promotion,
even if they had the exact
same credentials
as someone who wasn’t dating their boss.
The evaluators were also quick
to dismiss their accomplishments.
Question three:
Can I date someone who reports to me?
Still a big no.
You may not feel like
you’re really the boss, right?
But you are, and there’s
a power dynamic there
that’s simply not there for other couples.
If you really believe there is a sincere,
honestly felt, personal connection
that would be lasting and meaningful,
one of you may need to move,
and it shouldn’t always be the person
who’s lower in the company pecking order.
Question four:
I’ve just started seeing a coworker.
How do we handle things?
I get this question a lot.
“Are they dating? Are they not dating?”
Don’t keep it a secret.
You don’t have to make a big deal of it,
but secrecy tends to be corrosive.
People tend to see workplace couples
as a coalition or a unit,
so try to make it clear to your coworkers
that you’re not the same person;
you love each other,
but you are going to disagree.
Question five:
Why are coworkers
often attracted to each other?
Well, the obvious answer is people
tend to be attracted to each other
the more time they spend together.
But there’s another ingredient
that has to be added:
attraction tends to happen
when there’s work that demands
close collaboration.
So imagine you have a big group project
with a tight deadline
and you’re working late nights
and brainstorming ideas.
You look up, and across the table,
one of your colleagues throws out
a really great idea.
You may feel something,
and that’s natural.
We call this task interdependence.
It’s a ripe ground for attraction.
The second reason why people at work
are attracted to each other
is they may often be
similar to each other.
There’s two old adages:
“Birds of a feather flock together.”
And “Opposites attract.”
Well, the psychological
research suggests …
birds of a feather flock together,
and we like people who are like us.
Question six:
My coworkers are flirting.
I’m annoyed. What do I do?
Some researchers argue
that for people flirting at work,
flirting is good and it boosts creativity.
But my own research suggests
things are different
for people who are watching
or who are subjected to the flirting.
It can be awkward, right?
Witnessing flirtation in the workplace
creates a sense of not knowing the rules,
not knowing what’s going on,
or maybe seeing something
that you shouldn’t be seeing.
People who frequently witness
flirting at work –
they actually report feeling
less satisfied in their jobs,
and they feel less valued
by their company.
They’re more likely to give a negative
appraisal of the work environment,
and they may even consider leaving.
For women, this association
can be even stronger.
This appears to be the case
even when people report
not being bothered by the flirting.
It’s true even when they say
they enjoy it.
So, a flirtatious environment
really could be toxic.
Question seven:
Do I need a policy
on workplace relationships?
You certainly need a policy
on a sexual harassment,
and I think most HR departments
recognize that.
But for the kind of consensual
behavior we’ve been talking about,
it’s a little different.
As much as people in HR
would love to wave a magic wand
and say, “Thou shall not
fall in love at work,”
it’s just not realistic.
Emotional connection
and sexuality is who we are.
I kind of want you
to flip the script a little bit.
I encourage HR
to really think more broadly
about their role in not necessarily
stamping out office romance,
because I don’t think that’s realistic,
but how do I help create
a workplace climate and culture
where people feel respected
for their individual contributions,
not for their appearance or their gender,
or their personal relationships?
So the larger question is,
how do you make sure
people are valued and respected?