Three Questions Leading and Living Inclusively
we all want to feel like we’re connected
to something or someone it’s a part of
being human
it’s like this need to belong is woven
into our dna
it’s also human to embrace the familiar
and the routine and what’s comfortable
and it’s that embracing of the familiar
that can sometimes stand in the way
of us not only creating space or a sense
of belonging for ourselves
but also for others now this reminds me
of a story
that happened not long ago when my
family and i attended a culture festival
right here in my hometown of chattanooga
tennessee
this was a beautiful day there were
vendors there was food and there was
music
and my daughter was with me and there
are two things you need to know about my
daughter
first she loves music and second she
never meets a stranger
so when she saw this group of kids
dancing holding hands in a circle
i knew she knew that she had to be a
part of it so she ran
right over to extend her hand this
little black girl
looked up and she made eye contact with
this little white girl
and i would tell you as a father when
she
immediately didn’t take her hand my
reaction was
this little girl better grab my
daughter’s hand
but i would tell you i was filled with
anxiety but
a moment passed and she did grab my
daughter’s hand
they enjoyed each other and had a great
time together
i’ll tell you this when i look back at
this moment there are three observations
that come to mind and really they help
me define inclusion
but they also can help us better
understand our own inclusion journey
the first observation is this that at
one point in time we’re all like my
daughter
putting ourselves out there wanting to
be connected to something bigger
the second observation is like we’re
like this little girl
we use our power our position and our
privilege
to pull someone in and create a space
for belonging
but more likely than not or more often
than not you’re like me
i was an observer yes but i was still
filled with anxiety
from years and years of cultural and
social conditioning
deal with those emotions of when i was
turned away
thinking about when i was rejected
because of race
or discrimination or bias and all too
often
these emotions of rejection coupled with
this desire to be
comfortable to embrace to familiar can
stand in our way
of actually creating belonging and
authenticity for ourselves
so unfortunately the reality is we can’t
help it
it can be difficult at times because of
something called bias
this is as a result of that social and
cultural conditioning
now bias can show up in many different
ways it can show up when you’re making
hiring decisions and
you hire someone that looks and reminds
you of yourself that’s called similarity
bias
but you can also show up it can also
show up when you are talking to someone
these things are called micro messages
so when someone comes to me and say wade
you’re so articulate or i don’t see
color
or when women hear things like you
should smile more
or you’re too emotional
the unfortunate part is when it comes to
bias it can be both
intentional and unintentional and most
of our decisions
in fact studies show that 99 of our
decisions fall into the unconscious bias
category
so what can we do to prevent bias from
impacting our decisions
for me i’ll come up with three questions
that i’d like to share with you today
that’s been helpful for me
not only to disrupt my bias but to make
sure i’m making more impact
and not only how i lead but how i live
now this first question is whether i’m
actually leaning in
to better understand someone else’s
unique experience
now this question for me gets right to
the heart of disrupting bias because
it requires action and for me that
action means
things like taking training or attending
a workshop reading
a book or an article or just watching
the documentary
but what i found to be the most
impactful way to disrupt bias
and really lean in is by sitting down
and listening to individuals
their unique experience and perspective
because when i do that i’m doing exactly
what brian stevenson said
which is getting proximate now we
witnessed a great deal of this
during the summer of 2020 after the
murders of george floyd and ahmad aubry
and the many tragic incidents that took
place during this year
i saw a lot of my white co-workers and
friends lean
in a way to better understand the
experience of black americans
what i also saw was them wanted to be
more intentional about
how they could be better allies and
ultimately advocates
for the black community
for us i will tell you it’s important
that we understood
the dimension of diversity that black
americans face
but there are other dimensions of
diversity as well so we need to better
understand how
the challenges of the workplace are
impacting women
we have to better understand how bias
might show up
with members of the lgbtq community or
someone that is
over the age of 60 or veterans
what i challenge you to do is make sure
you’re lean again to understand
those different dimensions of diversity
and while engaging others
we know that bias can show up it also
can show up with how we make decisions
so the second question i have for you is
am i making room
for voices to be present other than my
own
now this question gets right to the fact
of how can i make
decisions that are rooted in fairness
and equity if i don’t have different
perspectives
of those i’m making decisions for in the
room
what we know is this is a part of how i
operate
but i have to be intentional about it
otherwise i’m going to fall into the
category of embracing
the familiar and the routine this
explains why companies and organizations
and communities
often times miss the mark because they
don’t have that diversity around the
table
and those making the decisions are just
a select
view now it’s important that we bring
voices around the table but it’s also
important
that we think about this third question
which is whether i’m creating space
for others to be their authentic selves
now when i ask this question i
immediately think of verna myers
verna is an inclusion strategist and she
made the famous statement
diversity is like being invited to the
party but inclusion is being asked to
dance
i would actually take it a step further
and say belonging
a culture of belonging is like being
able to dance with your own
unique style when i think about those
kids that day
i think about the fact they were dancing
all to the same music
all to the same beat but each of them
had their own
unique style they allowed each other to
have and experience
the authentic selves together now to
create this
kind of authentic environment for in our
own lives
it requires courage and vulnerability
because we have to be authentic
ourselves and as leaders we want to make
sure
that we’re putting ourselves out there
and understanding that we might not know
all the answers
that we don’t have to show a perfect but
we do need to show up
that at times we’re not going to know
the right thing to say
but we’re there to listen and to be
empathetic and to be vulnerable
and to be courageous now i will say this
for these three questions these are
questions that are helpful for me
in interrupting or disrupting my bias
you may have questions that work
for you and as you advance your
inclusion journey i’m sure you’ll think
of more
but what i’ll tell you is this
interrupting your bias
is hard work and on your inclusion
journey you might not get it right every
time
but that’s okay you have to make space
for your own grace
now when i think back to that day with
that festival
i think about the kids you know i think
about the fact that i
always try to be a good role model for
my daughter not perfect
but at least passing along lessons that
she can use for years
to come but on this day
at that festival you know i think that
she wasn’t really there to learn from me
not with my anxiety not with all the
conditioning that i was experiencing
maybe just maybe i was there to learn
from her
and from the other kids they were
putting themselves out there
creating a space of belonging not just
for themselves
but for each other my challenge for you
is to make sure you’re asking these
three questions about leaning in and
understanding someone else’s experience
giving voices to be heard and be present
in the room but also creating space for
people
to be their authentic selves but that
starts
by all of us putting ourselves out there
and extending our hands
will you join me thank you