How Strangers Changed My Life
for two weeks
back in summer 2016 i spent most
evenings sitting at king’s cross station
in london watching people and feeling
very
invisible i would ask the staff at
burger king to warm up my baby’s bottle
sometimes they would but often they
couldn’t because of health and safety
we would wait there as we had nowhere
else to sleep
each evening i’ll be hoping and praying
that a friend would let me stay with
them
or that they would transfer me some
money so that i’ll be able to afford a
train ticket to get there
i was a 26 year old single mother who
had just left an emotionally abusive
relationship
leaving was the scariest thing i’ve ever
done
but i knew i had to do it for the sake
of my baby
and my own well-being there was no
well-thought-out plan
or savings that i could have dipped into
i just couldn’t take it anymore
it was like the scales have fallen from
my eyes and i had to set myself free
after months and years of being
manipulated and controlled by a man that
i’d loved
i finally found the strength to leave
but at what cost
the morning i left i threw as many of my
belongings as i could into a couple of
big bags and left with my daughter
but little did i know at the time this
decision would make me
homeless sadly this is the reality of
many women who leave
abusive relationships i’ll start by
saying
that never in a million years did i
think this would happen to me
at the time i was working as an estate
agent making very good money
i could afford expensive handbags and i
lived a very in a very comfortable flat
i’ve always been a hard worker and i’d
taken care of myself from a very young
age
as my mom worked full time and my dad
wasn’t in the picture
i was born to be a fighter but i spent
the past four years building my life
around a man
who had taken the fight completely out
of me
one of my first priorities after i left
was to find a new place for me and my
daughter
but when i spoke to the estate agents
they said they couldn’t help me
having worked as an estate agent myself
i’d seen the discrimination that single
mums faced when it came to renting
properties
i was spent hours lobbying landlords to
rent properties to single mums
often to no avail and now i was having
to experience discrimination
first hand to make matters worse
my partner had put almost everything in
his name
including the tennessee agreements
utility bills and council tax statements
i had no proof of previous addresses or
landlord references
i might as well have just been blank on
the system
my credit score was also quickly going
down we had taken out a card together on
finance
but that was the one things that he put
in my name
after we broke up he sold the car kept
the money
and left me with additional debt
after i’d left he was still controlling
me
i had taken one step forward only to go
two steps back
of course i saw it as my fault
i told myself that i should have made
sure that i had saved enough
maybe i should have had a plan at least
a guaranteed roof over me and my
daughter’s head
i didn’t know what my rights were i
never saw myself as a charity case
but still i thought i could sort this
out myself
but the truth is i was utterly alone
i had very few friends and i was
alienated from my family
during our relationship my partner had
drawn me further and further away from
my support network
so i had no choice but to depend on him
one day before my daughter was born
i told him i was leaving him i had
enough
i made plans to go to a hotel but by the
time i got to the bus stop
and i tried to top up my oyster card he
had
already taken all the money out of my
bank account
i was financially and socially dependent
on him
he was my only friend in the world he
was chipping away at my sense of self
i was in my 20s i should have been
having the time of my life socializing
and learning about me
but i was incredibly lonely at this
point during our relationship i told him
i just wanted to sign up to a website
just to make a few new friends
he told me i couldn’t i mean why would i
need to anyone else i have him
i mean wasn’t he enough i never thought
this would be my story
or how things would end up
over the past few years people have told
me it was my choice to become homeless
that i should never have had a child if
i couldn’t have taken care of her
or i didn’t have enough savings to be
able to build a new life
but the reality is life doesn’t always
end up the way you planned it
i wanted nothing more to be a strong
independent woman
and a good role model for my daughter
isn’t that what we as women are
encouraged to be
strong independent there’s no shortage
of stories empowering women
to be strong and independent but how can
this work when we live in a society that
often
penalizes women for being exactly that
way
according to the homeless charities sent
mongoose a third
of their female clients said that
domestic abuse had contributed to their
homelessness
it’s clear to me that there needs to be
more support for women leaving abusive
relationships
women are becoming homeless because of
it
and it’s even harder for single moms who
have another mouth to feed
unfortunately it’s often a vicious cycle
passed down from generation to
generation
i come from a family where at a very
young age i witnessed my mum experience
emotional and physical abuse
at the hands of my father i later
learned that my cousin too
was going through the same abusive cycle
as me although we never knew it at the
time
for my mum it was like history repeating
itself
i want to break that cycle so that my
daughter will never have to go through
what my mom
and i went through but right now women
are trapped in abusive relationships
and have no incentive to leave if they
can’t see
a bright future and a fresh start ahead
of them
it’s like forcing someone to choose
between the lesser of two evils
we need more support for single mums and
domestic abuse victims to stop
the cycle of becoming homeless figures
released last year by housing charity
shelters suggested the number of
homeless single moms has gone up
by 48 over the previous eight years
the blame culture on single mothers
needs to stop
for me personally it’s upsetting to
think that people would think that
someone would intentionally
make themselves homeless because maybe
their home that they’re lazy
or maybe they need uh they want to take
advantage of the system
that’s simply not the case the process
of proving
i was homeless was long and draining
it was like being interrogated about my
life 24 7 as if i was a criminal
and i needed to be punished for
something i felt like a bright light was
being shined on me in an interview room
with someone ready to pounce and poke
holes in my story
what’s more in order to get a roof over
my head i was told i had to leave
my job and apply for income support
i remember calling up my employer and
telling them i had to quit
i was overcome with shame
so i found myself with my daughter in
this tiny little hostel
room unemployed on income support and
paying
200 pounds a month to live there which
was coming out of taxpayers monies
it just didn’t make any sense to me how
is this a long-term solution
why wasn’t i being incentivized to work
would i ever be in work again there were
times during this period when i would go
without food just so that my daughter
could eat
i will even try and see if i can allow a
bag of peas
to last for one month i used to turn off
the lights
just so that we will have the tv on just
to save on bills
i felt like nobody was willing to help
me
i was just another statistic
another reckless mum unable to fend for
herself
and her child another burden
on the taxpayer i had lost my
sparkle but i was willing to get
anything
to get it back the first step was
recognizing that i was suffering from
depression
i have been suppressing it for so long
for a long time i’ve had my head in the
water swimming blindly i felt like
no one was willing to help me
counselling definitely helped me see
things in a new light
but what really changed is when i met
people that were willing to listen
after spending seven months in a hostel
i was approached by saint mongo’s a
homeless charity
they supported me into a flat and i was
finally given the chance that i needed
to rebuild my life
at this point they referred me over to
beam who said that they’ll be able to
raise money to go on a course and get
into work
i had always dreamed of becoming a
dental nurse
and i was able to raise nearly 4 000
pounds from 600 strangers
i started to receive heartwarming
messages from people that i’ve never met
for the first time in a long time i felt
like i was finally being treated like a
human being
one of them was a young girl who asked
for her sixth birthday
to make a 25 pound donation to my
campaign instead of getting a birthday
present
the outpouring of love was overwhelming
people were calling me brave courageous
they told me
that i was a good mum a positive role
model to my daughter
it was like being given the world’s
biggest hug
so let’s fast forward one year and i’m
now 30 years old
in a job that i love which is a pa
within a dental practice
my story changed when people started
listening to me
when they believed in me when they
empowered me to be my best self
i never wanted a handout i didn’t want
to be a charity case
i just wanted to be free i sacrificed a
lot
to get here but guess what i wouldn’t
change a thing
now i’m not here today to ask for your
sympathy
i’m fortunate to be in the position that
i’m in today
but the sad reality is many women are
still
trapped i’m here today because something
needs to change we need to end this
cycle where women are being punished for
being brave
words by default victims of domestic
abuse victims are becoming homeless
where they’re not being empowered to
turn their lives around
where in some instances they’ve even
been treated like criminals
i was grateful to have been able to find
an organization that sent mongoz and
beam
who are committed to finding roots out
of homelessness
but the reality is i should never have
become homeless in the first place
and neither should anyone else
we need to act quickly cause of domestic
abuse
abuse hotlines has only shot up during
the night covered 19 pandemic
there’s a risk that even more women will
become homeless in the months to come
if something doesn’t change covert 19
has shown
us the importance of rallying around
some of the most vulnerable people in
society
so let’s do it starting from today
there’s so many people out there that
are willing to help there’s just not
enough infrastructure to allow for it
what have you created a body system
where victims who have escaped domestic
abuse are paired up with another woman
who can help them navigate through their
new life
someone that that can provide advice on
their finances
job housing or attend counselling
appointments with them
someone to check on them regularly in
person or via video call
who treats them like a real person that
has their back
it’s often the little things like this
that make all the difference
for example i went nearly one year
without knowing i was entitled to 25
off my council tax all i needed was
someone to point me in the right
direction
the job of the body isn’t to be an
expert rather is to be a friendly face
during what’s in an incredibly isolating
period
a training scheme would equip the body
with valuable information and resources
which could also be available via a
dedicated app
modern technology has been a blessing
and a curse
it can provide abusers with even more
ways to threaten and control their
victims
but i also believe it can help empower
victims too by connecting them with
people in their community
to help build them up if a body system
had been in place
after i left my partner i definitely
would have been back on my feet faster
it wasn’t until my situation left me
homeless
and i had hit rock bottom that i had
finally received the support that i
needed
so let’s do something about it last year
an estimated 1.6 million women in the uk
experience domestic abuse according to
the crime survey for
england and wales so that’s at least 1.6
million buddies needed to pair up with
women suffering the consequences of
domestic abuse
but i know we can do it
10 million brits across the uk are
volunteering in their communities today
during the covert 19 crisis according to
the cebr
if you’re going to solve this crisis we
need to call on the power
and the compassion of the crowd so that
victims of domestic abuse like me
are listened to and not forgotten about
we will be empowered and not enslaved
thank you