Love Alone isnt Enough 5 Lessons on Intercultural Dating
[Applause]
let me take you back to the year of
that’s the time where i started
university
and on my first day to school my caring
loving father
decided to drive me very unlikely of him
but judging from the distance from home
to school
and the traffic and his character i knew
he’s
up for something there’s a certain
message he wants to send
there he was hands on the steering
wheels i
straight to the road and then he turned
to me
razia this is going to be an exciting
day for you
you’re going to be meeting a lot of
people a lot of friends
men women boys girls and a lot of
activities
have as much fun as possible
but i want you to remember several
important messages
two of them and keep that in mind okay
and he said first no monkey business
okay what i mean is that
i don’t want you to have anything to do
with boys
or men no going out for coffee
no movies no holding hands no
relationship no kissing
no nothing with boys second
don’t worry getting into a relationship
and finding a boyfriend
i will find one for you i will find you
a husband
in fact i will find you a nice indian
man
as a husband man i was only 18 year old
going to the school for the first time
and this is the conversation i had in
the car
for other kids they’re going to be
excited
but for me i remembered zero about the
faces
i came across my first day i don’t
remember the classes i took
i don’t remember the friends i made on
that day what i remember
is that conversation why
because i was feeling so emotional i was
so upset
with that and before i tell you why
i was so emotional let me share a couple
backgrounds about me
i’m from indonesia i grew up there i was
raised there
but my father is indian he was raised in
the most
indian way by his parents my mother is
indonesian
she was raised in the most indonesian
way
by her parents with that kind of
background
for my father to turn around to me and
said uh-uh
you’re not gonna marry any other person
rather than an indian
so i felt betrayed i was upset
to me it translated as my father
was trying to deny his relationship his
marriage with my mom
it’s almost like saying no it doesn’t
work
so i felt unhappy
with that conversation but i didn’t tell
that to my father
we didn’t have a conversation about how
i felt
simply because in our household in our
family we’re used
to see parents when they say something
important
and that upsets us we take a few steps
back we don’t question
and we figure out in our own time why he
said what he said
it took me years because of that
conversation
i paid special attention on how my
parents interacted at home
how they talk to each other how they
talk about each other
and not until many years later i
realized
that the conversation happened in the
car on that day
was not because my father hated my
mother
it was not because he was trying to
cancel the fact that he was married to
someone who’s indonesian
it was actually a fatherly love
for him to marry someone from indonesia
coming from an indian background the
cultural difference
was so tough for both of them
they suffered a lot throughout the way
so in my father’s view in my father’s
view
to tell me don’t worry about finding a
man i’ll find out for you
i’ll find you an indian man the reason
is because
in his mind if i’m with someone who’s
just like him
it’s very similar i don’t have to go
through the same challenges
he loved me that much
and as much as i loved my father he was
wrong about one thing
to me to be half indian and half
indonesian
it makes me very unique i’m a mixed kid
i’m neither indonesian or indian
so whomever i decided to date whomever i
decided to marry
it’s gonna be a cultural clash
nevertheless
it’s going to be difficult anyway
but since then i got interested in how
people interacted particularly when
they’re
in commitment loving romantic commitment
with someone a different culture
i live in the states now i’m in south
korea
multiple times when i hurt friends see
friends share with friends
i realize that when you’re in
a loving relationship with someone of a
completely different background from you
you can’t just dive into loving each
other you can’t just dive into
supporting each other it doesn’t work
that way
you have to rewire everything that you
have in mind about relationship to begin
with
it’s almost like hiking
we’re all in korea at some point we
tried hiking right
before you hike what do you do you check
the terrain you
check the hills you check the mountains
you want to see
how difficult it is for you how
challenging it is for you right
similarly with inter-cultural
relationship
you have to see ahead
and there are a few things that you can
see ahead there are a few clues
check out south korea for example in
middle school in high school
boys and girls are separated when it
comes to activity
they share the same school but they
don’t necessarily interact with each
other all the time
in the defense is that so they can focus
on study
they can focus on study they’re not
distracted with
puppy love crush and whatnot
although it’s okay but you can imagine
that they don’t experience all these
things
until much later maybe in the early 20s
when they’re in the university
they finally get to have a boyfriend or
girlfriend
as a result if you are in a relationship
for the first time
what is your priority to be acknowledged
validation to be with each other
so that’s why in korea you see a lot of
people when they’re dating they’re
wearing matching shirts right
you see all the pictures in social media
together
in the photo studio or they’re always
like in texting and phoning each other
validation that they are with each other
is very important
now imagine that you are dating someone
from that particular background
while you are the person who were so
used in
you know in relationship you started in
the middle or high school
she is so obsessed with being with you
and he is so chill
as a result for him
the girlfriend would feel like
suffocation
you always have to let her know you have
to feel like you have to parade her
around so people know that you guys are
together
otherwise she’ll be upset and in her
view why is he not acknowledging me
why from monday to friday he’s so busy
with work or so busy with classes i
could
only see him on saturday they don’t
realize that these differences
may come across just because culturally
they come from different
background you take a mental note
on how that difference is that’s why
definition
from one couple or one person to another
but relationship is different
one see relationship as being together
wearing matching shirts which is
completely okay and the other one feels
like definition of relationship means
i want to get to know you what are your
desires
what are your insecurities what are your
dreams how can i help
you or support you emotionally
now you’ll be surprised that people get
into a marriage
people get into relationship they have
motives and goals
and it’s different from one culture to
another
now my parents are lucky one indian one
indonesian
both of them share similar background
here and let me tell you why
in our community right if you’re in a
relationship
you work towards a goal it looks like a
paraben
you start a relationship here then you
get engaged you get married
having kids one more kid so if you’re
with someone
you will assume your partner works
toward the same goal
in our community in a completely
different community though
it doesn’t mean the same a relationship
is seen as something flat line
you want to look for compatibility in
feelings
and visions and discussion about meeting
the family
getting engaged getting married does not
come
until much much much later
now imagine two kind of people getting
together
well she said let me bring you home to
meet my parents so they can get to know
you
and hill said no no no that’s way too
soon
what are you doing she will think that
you’re not serious in this relationship
you’re toying me around
in his view no she’s taking me into
something that i don’t know i don’t even
know her yet
i want to get to know her first
so motive and goal from each
relationship from each
couple and culture is so different you
can only take a mental note
and see how different you and your
partner is
another thing that you should consider
is what i called as vip now this is the
toughest part
the reason being is that what you and
your partner sees are values
what you and your boyfriend or
girlfriend sees or perceive as
issues or they believe in one thing
it’s not necessarily communicated for
example
this is where an area like sex
like politics like their view on lgbtq
community
does not come into play until you
observe what your partner think you
cannot sit down and talk about it with
them and expect them to be honest
when you’re asking like what’s your
political affiliation what do you think
of this
why you cannot sit down and talk about
it because they tend to be dishonest
not because they want to try to lie but
people have
certain view about themselves an ideal
view oh yeah i’m very tolerant
i’m very this i’m very that the best way
is to observe turn on the tv
check out the news together see what he
or she
thinks or comments on certain issue
and pay attention how different it is
from yours
and take a mental note
everybody loves family they will say oh
yeah i’m close with my mother i’m close
with my father
sure everybody say so right
until you realize that each community
treats family differently they have
different roles
my good friend she met her boyfriend on
tinder
and they’ve been dating for a number of
years and then they finally made a
decision
let’s get married no she is from
indonesia
he is from united states
now for her to be indonesian and coming
from a muslim community
it’s important for her parents to tell
that hey
if he’s he wants to marry you make sure
he gets a circumcision
now circumcision is a surgery that
normally performed when someone steal a
baby so for him
to be a grown man and ask to have his
part of genital cut off a little bit
it’s a big deal so he would take a few
steps back and say
i don’t know if i’m comfortable with
that if that’s what it takes to marry
you
i don’t know and then she would like no
no you have to understand
this is what my family requests to
embrace into our community you don’t
understand if my
family did not want you into the
community that means
i cannot have their blessings now if you
understand
asian community family blessings is
everything
whereas in some of the community okay
they don’t like my future wife and
husband i’m the one who’s getting
married so what
so family roles and what they say
into your relationship and your own
marriage is crucial and it’s different
one culture to another
you could only observe see how your
partner behave around their family
see how your partner interact their
family and what how they take their
suggestion
inputs and comments now
my mother is indonesian and my father is
indian
when they were together they look
physically very different
skin color height you name it
when they walk around in indonesia it
invites talks
whispers stairs natural
because they look very different the
question is
if you are with someone who looks
physically different from you
observe how your partner feels when
people are giving this vibe
is she okay with that is he okay with
that
because how she feels and how he feels
although she may not
acknowledge it on that particular day it
will come back to you the next day
and you take a mental note now
with all this points being shown
at the end of the day you take a few
steps back
and you look at it this is how much
homework i have
if i want to continue this relationship
with someone i like
see how big the difference is
talk about it are you guys ready to
embark on this together
make sure she’s on it now
you’re coming here in this talk because
you are either
in relationship with someone of a
different culture married to one
or potentially we’re going to have one
you’re in south korea right get on
tinder
get on bumble you know just
explore the world and meet a lot of
people and you’ll be surprised how much
you will learn about yourself
in understanding this it doesn’t need to
work it’s okay
if it doesn’t work you just
need to see ahead if it works
with my parents it works for you too
i’m not here to discourage you from
intercultural relationship
yeah that’s me in the crib the baby me
you could do it the question is assess
ahead
talk about it with your partner
now in 1978 where my when my parents met
for the first time there was no dating
apps
but the way they described how they met
at that time
my father lock eyes with my mom and they
like each other
it would kind of look similar like
swiping right swiping left on tinder
so out of my respect to them i made this
now my father
passed away in 2019 but that
conversation in the car remains a beacon
for me
to observe further intercultural
relationship
good luck with yours