Sex Relationships Shame Guilt... All The Things
Transcriber: Trúc anh Huỳnh
Reviewer: Hani Eldalees
Let’s talk about sex, intimacy,
relationships, shame and guilt.
Let’s talk about all the things. Do you
know you can have a better sex life?
Do you know you can have
a better relationship?
Do you know you can have better
communication, better conflict,
more connection? I didn’t
know any of these things,
and I was married for 20 years
before I knew this.
My mission is to help people find
out about all these things,
educate ourselves and take away the shame
and guilt about talking
about all the things.
Let me take you back a little bit.
I was married for 20 years and my
husband and I were Lisa Nyjer,
we were that couple, we were very in
love with three beautiful children.
We had the house, we ran
a business together.
We were that couple, that annoying couple,
you know, those ones?
So then a situation happened
in our business together.
And it was just a situation that came up.
It was just a big change.
It had to happen. And my way of
dealing with it was
tick the boxes get it done.
Let’s move on with life.
My husband didn’t agree he had
a different way of thinking
about doing it,
and he didn’t think it was fair
what was happening to me in
a different way of going about it.
We discussed it and then we discussed it,
and then we discussed it some more
and then we argued about it
and then we disagreed about it. And
then it turned into everything.
It was in permeating every part of our
lives, our children started to say,
are you two still talking about that?
I believe it was Einstein that said
“repeating the same pattern over
and over again and expecting a
different outcome is madness.”
Let me tell you, we were
on the way to madness.
So eventually I said, what about
we go see somebody about this?
I’ve been to counseling myself after my
mother passed and it helped me so much.
And I’m just going to say
he wasn’t that keen, there was
a whole lot of shame, guilt
for me, for him.
“There was nothing wrong
with our marriage.”
He said “there’s nothing wrong
with our marriage.”
I said, sweetheart, there’s nothing
wrong with our marriage.
But there’s a big chunk here
that we are stuck on.
We can’t get past and we need some
tips and tools to get past this.
So let’s just say we got there in
the end and we went three times.
She told us about conflict resolution.
She told us about how to be
better communicators.
She told us about love languages.
She taught us about sex
and guilt and shame
and how we are hardwired from childhood
to have guilt about sex
and how we need to get past that. We need
to get past our limiting beliefs.
Well, I was fascinated. Fascinated
wouldn’t even start to explain it to you
How I was. I was like a dog with a bone.
How did we not know this stuff?
Why does no one tell us this stuff?
Why do we not educate ourselves
about these things?
Nig, on the other hand, was like, that’s
great. That’s good information.
Let’s put that to work in our
relationship. And we did.
And it took our already great relationship
to a whole different level
and I will be forever grateful for that.
But I was like a dog with a bone
down a rabbit hole here I was.
So I educated myself. I did courses,
I read books, I listen to podcasts.
And when your teenage children
get into the car
and you’re listening to podcasts
about sex, that’s a tricky one.
But it’s a lot of fun. It’s a lot
of fun. And I read everything.
I listen to everything educated myself.
Then, of course, you know what happens.
Why does everyone not know?
I need to tell everyone.
Why does this why do people not know?
Why do people not know?
So I started running classes.
I ran some classes in our work,
and then I ran some classes in our local
area and I was living my best life.
I was helping the people.
I was filling my own cup.
I just was living my best life. And then
I don’t need to tell you what happened.
March 2020, March 2020 happened.
And my little idea was dead in
the water. Not going to be.
Absolutely there was nothing I could do.
So someone suggested, why don’t you take
it virtually as we all had to adapt
and the and 2020. So I did.
I took it virtually, I took it virtually
and I just thought you know what,
I’m just going to be talking about all the
things getting past shame and guilt.
And if anybody’s out there
wants to listen,
they can. Well within about four to six
weeks it really started to take legs
and I was loving it. It was great.
But people were starting to contact me now
from Australia, from America all over.
And I had a thought, hmm. I’m loving this,
but I am sharing our personal story,
so I think I’d just better
check in with my husband.
So he was sitting in our sun room and I
went to him and I said, sweetheart,
there’s a thing happening here and
just wanted to, like, check in.
And he’s heard this before. Let me assure
you, he’s heard this before.
And he said, OK, you should tell
me what the plan is here.
And I said, well, I’m loving this, but I
am sharing our personal information.
So I just want to check in with, you know,
I guess you didn’t realize
I am an extrovert.
And the next words he said are not
the best words that extroverts want to
hear. He said, let me think about it.
Well, I thought this could be three days.
This could be three weeks.
I didn’t know what the answer
was going to be.
So he went to his man cave, all mention
of a man if he went his man cave.
And I went about cleaning the
house from top to bottom.
Thankfully, it only took
him about 20 minutes.
And he came back and he said, Sweetheart.
Tell the people everything
they need to know.
It’s a mess. Suicide rate, divorce rates,
mental health, it’s a mess.
Tell the people everything
they need to know.
I will be forever proud
of him for that day,
Bernie Brian teaches us true vulnerability
is to be brave.
That is true vulnerability is bravery.
To be really brave, we have
to step right in.
We have to step right in to the
uncertainty, to the change.
We have to step right in.
In 2016,
the World Health Organization released
a paper saying that
the lack of quality relationships
is killing us quicker than
the lack of exercise and obesity.
The lack of quality relationships
is killing us.
So why are we not talking about this?
Why is this not a real thing?
Why are we not educating
ourselves on this?
It is a mystery to me, a mystery. Anyway,
I had my husband, we had a plan.
I and my husband was 100% behind me,
or as he likes to say, 157% behind me.
Don’t know where that came from.
And and that was me.
I was off talking to all the people about
all the things sex, intimacy,
relationships, conflict, all the things,
anything that’s talking to people
in Australia and America,
doing all the things I love in my
whole life, love my whole life.
So my challenge to you today
is my challenges.
Can you get past the shame and guilt?
Of talking about all the things,
can you get past the shame and guilt
and the preprogramming and
the limiting beliefs and start
talking about all the things
and actually start living the
relationship and the life
Of your dreams. My name is Lisa McFarland,
and that is my TED talk. Thank you.