THE PARADOX OF ANGER IN LOVING RELATIONSHIPS
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hi
thank you for being here today i truly
hope that you and yours have fared well
throughout this dreadful pandemic
my name is dr laurel steinberg and i’m a
clinical sexologist
and relationship therapist my mission in
life
is to help couples love their lives
together
my talk today is called the paradox of
anger
in loving relationships
i’m here to reveal to you a truly
shocking and completely
backwards phenomenon that loving couples
engage in
all too often as well as a much needed
solution
that i developed over more than 12 years
of clinical practice
to help them stop fighting forever
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it was amazing i couldn’t believe
my ears partner after partner repeatedly
concluded
that what sounded like anger being
directed at them
meant that their partners felt angry
towards them
and were picking a fight hungry for them
to yell back
this was shocking because as i listened
carefully
about how precious their relationships
were to them
time and again it was crystal clear to
me
that more often than not their yelling
partners
really felt completely different
inside they had simply worked themselves
up
to the point that they were unable to
communicate
effectively i feel anguished thinking
about the countless arguments that could
have been avoided
let me share a story to both further
illustrate what i mean
and teach you how to keep your own
relationship
protected i remember one evening in
particular
just as i was about to leave my office
for the day i received a call from a
woman named sarah
she explained in a sad weeby voice that
she was staring at a document
from her lawyer which if signed would
result in her husband james being served
with divorce papers
through tears sarah said before i sign
away what i once thought was the best
thing that ever happened to me
i wanted to give couples counseling a
try
to see if you might be able to help us
end this non-stop arguing
no pressure right how does it come to be
that partners who desperately want to
get along
often choose words that hurt one another
the most
resulting in arguments that are reported
to be the cause
of 60 of all divorces
whatever happened to the marital vows
made by partners committing to love and
cherish one another
who then do just the opposite
treating couples like sarah and james
taught me
that when partners who truly have the
best intentions for their relationships
spend so much time arguing what
typically
sounds like anger really isn’t
anger it’s anxiety
that has become escalated to the point
that it comes out
sounding like anger as a desperate
attempt
to immediately capture a partner’s
attention
think about it have you ever found
yourself
saying hurtful mean words that you later
realized were more
intense than your partner’s offense
or were you ever surprised at being on
the receiving end of an angry response
when the way you did something different
from what your partner had in mind the
term that i
developed for this phenomenon is
escalated
anxiety it sounds completely
mean and angry but in reality it’s
mostly made up of worry
and none of us are immune to it without
first becoming aware of it
and then changing the way we respond
let me show you an action how anxiety
becomes transformed into
escalated anxiety
take sarah for example the woman who
telephoned me holding
the divorce papers she came to our first
couple session
with puffy teary eyes and begin by
saying
we have such big arguments over such
little things
i don’t get it one instance
began with sarah suggesting that she and
james spend more time together
by having him drive her to work a few
days each week
sounds good he agreed but reminded her
that they had to be on the road
by 6 am in order to get in on time
they had great fun at first laughing
listening to music
but as the days went by sarah arrived at
james’s car
later and later 606 then
6 10 and finally 6 18
when he screamed why are you so late i
hate when you do this
as she got in the car thinking it
unacceptable that he was yelling at her
sarah yelled back sparking an ugly
argument that spanned their entire
one and a half hour commute into the
city
this doesn’t sound like such quality
time together right
so what specifically causes escalated
anxiety
why did sarah’s lateness which couldn’t
be undone
result in such a bad argument
my years of research have shown that the
mechanism that causes escalated anxiety
becomes activated when
a a person struggles to cope with their
anxiety in relation to what they believe
their partner did
wrong and b a person thinks that the
relationship
simply cannot continue without the
current issue
being resolved immediately because of
this
their words come out sounding mean even
though they’re only a little angry
about their partner’s wrongdoing and a
lot
worried about the situation they’re left
to face
additionally i’ve learned that arguments
between loving partners
are at their core the result of anxiety
about
three specific themes which tug
unbelievably strongly at the
heartstrings of ordinarily reasonable
people
who desperately want a happy
relationship
i’ve also found that as a number of
themes that they feel anxiety about
increases from one to two to three
the subsequent escalated anxiety
experience
increases exponentially not linearly
oh boy these three themes come together
to form the easy to remember
acronym art a-r-t
they include appreciation
being recognized and important to
someone special is one of the greatest
feelings
in the world sarah yelled back at james
because she felt unappreciated
and when james thought that his job
might be in jeopardy
he believed that sarah’s tardiness was a
reflection
of her not appreciating him right versus
wrong
everyone wants a partner who will make
decisions that keep their relationship
safe on countless issues which often
include how money is spent
or conduct with others sarah thought
it was unacceptable that james yelled at
her and when sarah was late
james thought that this was just wrong
wrong wrong
time we’re all racing against the clock
optimizing at every turn
sarah shared that she remembered rushing
herself that morning
so james wasn’t late for work and james
was
all worked up about facing an angry boss
as you can see both sarah and james
experienced escalated anxiety about all
three of the art categories that day
appreciation right versus wrong and time
resulting in meanness that led to that
ugly ugly argument
countless arguments like these push
sarah and james to the brink of divorce
but they were willing to do whatever it
would take to keep them together
frustrated by hearing couple after
couple
have argument after argument as a result
of believing that their partners felt
angry at them
not anxious i came up with the following
set
of techniques to help eliminate this
problem
so what can loving couples do to stop
arguments before
they start well the first step is to
realize
that it takes two people to argue but
only one to stop the madness
and with a little know-how we can all be
that much needed hero
next we can recognize when our own
anxiety becomes escalated
and or not take that bait if the partner
we know
loves us dearly appears angry
as he or she is most likely experiencing
escalated
anxiety then
we can de-escalate the anxiety by taking
a deep breath
and asking ourselves or our partners the
following question
what are you worried about what are you
worried about
with practice this question alone will
be enough to be effective
but until it is on an off day we can ask
three follow-up questions
are you feeling unappreciated about what
your partner is doing
do you think your partner is making
choices that aren’t right for you
and or your relationship
or is your partner preventing you from
using time
the way you want
these questions identify the exact
source
of the problem anxiety about a not
feeling appreciated
are our partner doing something wrong
and or t that our partner’s use of time
is negatively impacting our own use of
it
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this technique works as a result of a
universally taught principle
we are taught to soothe and
constructively solve issues with those
who demonstrate
that they are worried instead of having
arguments that would leave us stranded
in relationship
no man’s land once the angry sounding
words have come to a halt
i like for partners to incorporate a
structure for success
for future occasions sure to be similar
to the one that went wrong
sarah and james decided that on
occasions when she’s running later than
is okay
he’ll head off on his own and she’ll
just take the train like she does on the
other days
in this way the incident that caused him
so much upset
yields it a brighter no stress
tomorrow it is such a great honor
to be able to help couples like sarah
and james
improve the way they relate to one
another
this doesn’t mean that we won’t have
differences of opinion
or disagreements it just means that more
often than not
we’ll be able to turn potential conflict
into actual constructive communication
listen when we take the time to ask
important
questions to better understand our own
feelings
as well as those of our partners we can
experience the joy and fulfillment we
always hoped for
this concept and the skill that i have
shared here today
or how i was able to think big to
develop an idea
worth spreading please remember
only you have the ability to have your
worries
not sound mean thank you so much
for being such a wonderful audience