The Third Option
think about these words for a moment
sex abortion
adoption abstinence
consent what feelings were evoked when
those words were spoken
uncomfort fear
i always question why those words evoke
such strong emotions
i remember the uncomfortable feelings of
having the talk
i felt shame when even thinking about
sex
and add on to the fact i was a closeted
queer kid didn’t help either
and then i remember the first time
having sex
i cried because i didn’t understand how
it was supposed to work
i was taught a very loose understanding
of what a sexual relationship
actually was and it was more than just
penis and a vagina sex has so many
levels to it
and one of our levels is our boundaries
we have our hardline boundaries
the boundaries we won’t allow anyone
else to cross
what is important is that you believe in
those boundaries
what can and has happened in my own
personal experience
is that someone makes me question those
boundaries
and that is when the lines become blurry
this is when we
second guess ourselves when a boundary
has been crossed once
it is then easy for it to be crossed and
pushed back a second time
we must advocate and stand by ourselves
if we don’t do that
who will only nine states require
the importance of consent to be taught
in sexual health education classes
neither georgia alabama or tennessee are
included in those states
we are taught about sex from an early
age and that no means no
this means any sort of sexual contact
a touch on the leg or shoulder a kiss
close coming off even during intercourse
communication is key what
what happens so when we get older
sometimes boundaries can become blurry
they change with our level of comfort
a couple of years ago i met a guy the
typical heteronormative relationship
timeline happened they kiss they go on a
date they spend the night
they might end up in a relationship and
live happily ever after
but this had a different ending it ended
in an unplanned pregnancy an unplanned
pregnancy that was
100 preventable i remember
the conversations i tried having with
him that we needed to be tested for stis
and that we needed to use condoms and we
needed to do
this and that and i remember even
telling him
that we could not support a child in the
leg of life
either of us were in at the time i spoke
up for my boundaries but
it wasn’t taken seriously if someone
does not want to listen to your
boundaries
that is not only a red flag but enough
to end the relationship
point blank if someone does not pay
attention to your boundaries
at the beginning of the relationship
what happens when
more serious issues come into play
what happens when the inevitable
argument or in my case a profound
decision must be made between the
parties
i remembered each month would pass and i
would
let him cross my boundaries because i
did not stand up for myself and
push back i somehow led myself to
believe that i could be immune
to what happened in may of last year
when i looked at the positive pregnancy
tests in my hand
my mind was racing where do i go from
here
how do i cope who do i talk to
am i keeping this there are three
choices when faced with an unplanned
pregnancy
you go on to become a parent you
terminate the pregnancy
or the lesser chosen lesser known and
less talked about option
you carry the child to term and then you
put that child up for adoption
i already knew i couldn’t be a parent so
that knocked the first choice out
then there were those of not being a
parent
when weighing those options the laws
governing my pre
reproductive organs were plastered all
over the news
was i going to jail if i chose abortion
and then there were just the common
questions of if my body could handle it
and if that would allow me to still have
children later on down the road if i so
choose
many people put into the situation as i
do
either see it as abortion or become
apparent and rightly so
when faced with the option many can’t
fathom
growing nurturing and growing a human
than to not ever see them again on a
consistent basis
also living in the bible belt weighed on
me heavily
it seems around here that an unwed
pregnant person
is a lot more acceptable than someone
who has terminated a pregnancy
even marginally so by july 2019 i had my
tentative plan of an
adoption when finding an agency to go
through
there were so many that popped out at me
i decided to focus on the lgbtq
affirming agencies
and then on to researching families i
spoke with the adoption coordinator and
she sent off
a few lists to research in in those
in those lists there were pages upon
pages of eager awaiting people
ready to be parents i landed on a few
selections
listed then off to the coordinator and
then was set up with a phone call
in that first phone call i met the
parents of the baby
as i spoke more and more with them i
started to become more and more sure of
the option that i
choose i also knew that someday i would
need to tell this story and
i would want this to be as fact-based as
possible and why i chose an adoption
over the other two normalizing the
choice of adoption
is another step to creating a safe space
for those who are unsure of the path
they must take
no two adoption processes are alike
there are three types of adoptions
open semi-open and closed
i let each option sit within me
thinking of the possible outcomes of
each speaking with
parents every so often they wanted to
hear what i had to say about how much
involvement
i would want to have in the relationship
we collectively came to the choice of
semi-open
we don’t have any set rules of how the
relationship should look
but we have respect for each other’s
boundaries and as time goes by it will
change
just as our lives do being faced with
something as life-altering and
life-stopping as an unplanned pregnancy
i had to allow myself the love
and patience i knew i needed in times
like these i picked up the phone and
called my mom
i knew that if i had at least one person
in my corner i was going to be okay
she did tell me that it would be okay
but i wouldn’t believe her until nine
months later
this wasn’t a secret to keep or try to
hide it
becomes glaringly obvious as the time
goes by
so the one thing i would push the most
if you are in this situation
is to find your support system whether
that is online or in person
or a mix of the two the parents would
chat with me every so often
to ensure i have what i needed they were
excited for what was to come
when i would speak to them on what i
wanted they were attentive and
respectful
they understood the emotional weight i
was carrying with me and wanted to
support the decisions i not only
needed to make but wanted to make
i tried to go into the adoption with an
open mind
i started to obsess with how others
would view this
and then a friend said to me think of it
as a surrogacy
and my whole mindset shifted i became
more
accepting of my circumstance and was
able to focus on what was important
growing a human and nurturing a
parent-child relationship as much as
possible
coming out and telling people i was
pregnant was one thing but then to
announce that
i was putting the child up for adoption
was another thing
i decided to be blunt in my announcement
i put it all out there
letting everyone know this was my truth
i have been taught before that if you
want to control the narrative
you must put yourself on blast to be as
truthful
in the situation leaves no room for
there to be miscommunication
owning what is happening leaves no room
for us unsolicited judgment
from there i got messages and likes and
support from
friends on the internet and personal
friends
i was not afraid of the possible
judgment that could have been placed on
my shoulders
i was doing what was best for me and my
situation
researching support for adoption came up
with a lot of resources
i found facebook pages and groups
websites dedicated to the journey
and even instagram pages for birth moms
i joined in trying to find the support i
longed for
but knew that that wasn’t the right
choice
so i decided to forge my own path
and look into ways to support myself
being one’s biggest supporter helps when
you wholeheartedly believe that the
choices you are making will
impact your life in a positive way it
becomes
easier to handle the hard things when
looking for the support systems
i thought i could benefit from it all
seemed so rigid and callous
which was not the perspective i was
looking for
that to me was a sign that i should look
to support myself in the way that i
needed to
and stick to fact-based research instead
of
feelings based research because once
other feelings become involved
it is harder to see through to our own
when going through the realization of
how preventable this situation was
i dealt with a lot of anger anger
towards myself and anger at the guy
the man that i slept with was not only
the father of one
but the possible father of two meaning
unprotected sex is something that he
does quite frequently
he did not grasp the weight that he
carried
those who cannot become pregnant by
someone else will not understand the
mental labor of those who can
the first few times we did use condoms
as it was the easier obtainable
protection
then i realized he wasn’t taking me
seriously he tried to enter
in me as i said no and gesture towards
the condoms
i could feel his apprehension as a
cisgender woman i know all too well the
comments that cisgender men make
i can’t feel it i can’t get or stay hard
it’s not the same and why do we
give in we are in our most vulnerable
state
a hot body on another hot body just
wanting to feel something beyond surface
level
i was on the pill form of contraception
for about a month during that
relationship
it made me feel confused and disoriented
i bled for a month straight
and it left me feeling fatigued i ended
up stopping
letting him know and pushing for condoms
again
he would say okay and then continue to
push for sex with
without them i lay there wondering why i
kept letting him
and why i didn’t advocate for myself in
such a vulnerable time
growing up abstinence-based sexual
health education
was pushed as one of the only forms of
safe sex
even now from the guttmacher institute
georgia’s sexual health education does
not have to be
medically accurate age-appropriate or
culturally
unpro appropriate or unbiased
georgia and tennessee are not required
to include consent in their curriculum
they do though require abstinence and
marriage only sex ed as
main point of curriculum
growing up conservative and religion
religious
abstinence is the main option of birth
control heavily pushed onto us
abstinence only sex ed may meet fear
communication with my partners
and left me confused on how a healthy
sexual relationship
should operate one person does not get
to dictate
how sex looks like in a relationship if
one person is uncomfortable with
something
then it becomes a boundary for the
relationship
as i got older i started to realize
there were so many forms of birth
control
i’ve tried out several types of pills
condoms
natural family planning and now i’m on a
hormonal iud
which is good for up to six years and
over 99 effective
why am i telling you this to normalize
it
when we normalize it and make it a
general topic of conversation we lift
the burden off of one party
going through heterosexual relationships
i felt the burden of how to prevent
pregnancy more often than the other
party
normalizing the hard things in life
doesn’t make it any less hard to talk
about
but it does make it easier to talk about
yes unplanned pregnancies do happen from
unprotected
and sometimes protected sex from there
we must be straightforward with the
information that is available
and show grace to those who must make
the hard decisions
whether it’s parenthood abortion or
adoption
show them grace
you