Why happy couples cheat Esther Perel
adultery has existed since marriage was invented
and so too the taboo against it in fact infidelity
has a tenacity that marriage can only envy
so much so that this is the only commandment
that is repeated twice in the bible once for
doing it and once just for thinking about it
so how do we reconcile what is universally
forbidden yet universally practiced
how do we heal from an affair
desire runs deep betrayal runs deep but it can
be healed and some affairs are death knells for
relationships that were already dying on the vine
but others will jolt us into new possibilities
the fact is the majority of couples who have
experienced the fair stay together but some of
them will merely survive and others will actually
be able to turn a crisis into an opportunity
they’ll be able to turn this into a generative
experience and i’m actually thinking even more
so for the deceived partner who will often say
you think i didn’t want more but i’m not the one
who did it but now that the affair is exposed they
too get to claim more and they no longer have to
uphold the status quo that may not have
been working for them that well either
i’ve noticed that a lot of couples in the
immediate aftermath of an affair because of this
new disorder that may actually lead to a new order
will have depths of conversations with honesty
and openness that they haven’t had in decades
and partners who are sexually indifferent find
themselves suddenly so lustfully variations they
don’t know where it’s coming from something about
the fear of loss will rekindle desire and make
way for an entirely new kind of truth now you’ve
listened to me and i know what you’re thinking
she has a french accent she must be pro-affair
so you’re wrong i am not french
and i’m not pro-affair i look at affairs from a
dual perspective hurt and betrayal on one side
growth and self-discovery on the other
what it did to you and what it meant for me
and so when a couple comes to me in the
aftermath of an affair that has been revealed
i will often tell them this today in
the west most of us are gonna have
two or three relationships or marriages and
some of us are gonna do it with the same person
your first marriage is over would
you like to create a second one
together