The Restorative Power of Reframing Resilience
today
i want to talk about a single word
that’s it just
one word a word that has become
ingrained in the vernacular of corporate
marketing teams
educational institutions and the leaders
of our nation
but a word that has become so incredibly
misconstrued over the past year
and i know some of you may be thinking
really
a whole ted talk about one word this kid
is dramatic
and for those of you thinking that my
response would be
perhaps but i think this word is pretty
important for all of us
so i want you to think back on the past
year i want you to think back to a time
when you were knocked down
or felt lost or felt like you just
couldn’t do it
what advice did you receive what did
your boss teachers or mentors say
you were probably told by someone that
you needed to be strong
diligent determined steadfast
perseverant
and resilient that last word resilient
has been widespread widely misused and
widely misinterpreted
and the effects of that can be extremely
harmful
so today i want to pick apart that word
and then go into a story to reassess
and reframe what it truly means since
the pandemic first hit the united states
we’ve been overwhelmed with pretty much
everything
yet despite the weight of public health
statistics the rippling effects of a
politicized virus the loss of loved ones
police brutality increasing financial
disparities and the complete
obliteration of our plans and goals
we have been told time and time again
to just be resilient to keep moving
forward
this message as we’ll explore is
misguided and problematic
and yet it has permeated countless
communications
think about emails from university staff
or employers
or the anthologies of linkedin posts by
so-called professional development
influencers
and other media you’ve been exposed to
one common thread among most
if not all of them is the call to be
resilient
comma unwaveringly perseverant
this proclaimed bond between resilience
and tenacious forward-focused progress
implies that there is a contingent
relationship between the two
that is to be resilient you must keep
stride and continue to be productive
and it implies that to falter or to fail
is characteristic of a lack of
resilience
this implication can be seen all over
the place
especially now here are just two
examples of what i’ve seen
there was one university email that
stated we can observe
firsthand rutgers resilience as it
manifests itself under the most trying
circumstances
we push onward working hard every day
to better the state and the world
rutgers remains a place of great hope
innovation and perseverance
i also encountered a linkedin post
listing the top 10 key drivers for
success
the very first item read grit and
resilience
parentheses perseverance again
and again we are seeing resilience used
as a blanket term
for productivity and progress ultimately
suggesting that resilience and
perseverance
are just one and the same perhaps you’ve
noticed this in the messages you’ve
received
but even if not every encounter with a
post
email or conversation that super glues
resilience and perseverance together
can strengthen your association of the
two
what makes this more problematic is that
resilience messaging
or as i call it resilience propaganda is
on the rise
as an example let’s take a look at how
many emails i’ve received that mention
resilience
we’ll look at the email sent to me
throughout my five completed semesters
at college
comparing the number of resilience
related emails before
and after march 10 2020 since that’s
when it was confirmed that rutgers
students would be sent home for remote
instruction
in my first three and a half semesters i
received a total of 34 emails mentioning
brazilians
that’s just less than 10 resilience
emails per semester
but in the last one and a half i
received a total of 72.
that’s an increase of nearly 112 percent
that’s a lot that’s a frequency of 48
resilient emails per semester
and that’s just my own inbox these
numbers can vary by student
and these numbers also don’t account for
alternative means of communication
clearly there’s a lot of talk about
being resilient right now
and the resilience being talked about
has been been confounded with
perseverance and strength
but what’s the big deal anyway
well i worry that this mass messaging
coupled with the apparent confusion
sends the wrong idea
i worry it suggests that we need to be
more productive since we have all this
extra time on our hands that we need to
be thriving during a pandemic
the more we tout perseverance under the
guise of resilience
the more i worry that people feel
pressured to keep on going
to fight for that online internship to
network online incessantly
and to continue on with our now digital
lives as if nothing has changed
and i worry the people have come to
believe that being resilient
means coping by working relentlessly
until we see better days
and that is incredibly harmful it’s
damaging to the mental health of
countless people
when they’re told and convinced that
they need to be proactive and successful
in a situation
when the control is largely out of their
hands and i know this
because i felt absolutely powerless
under the weight of everything
my waking hours were somber as a result
of the pandemic and the constant
messaging pressuring me to be resilient
i began to feel incapable i could only
travel from one zoom room to the next
and it took a battle just to put on a
smile i felt like i was no longer able
to make an impact on my own life
let alone the world around me i was just
bound to my laptop watching helplessly
as emails fluttered in
one by one bearing news of cancellations
and loss
while the tv flashed tragedy after
tragedy
seeing the world and everything i had
worked and hoped for
fall apart i was devastated
it was as if i was driving down the
highway and the emergency brake was
yanked up without warning
and as i lurched to a screeching stop i
watched all the roads and bridges before
me collapse
and there i was with nowhere to go being
told to keep driving forward
as my imposter syndrome set in i faced
nightmares of failed performances
i worried that everything i did counted
for nothing and i began to question why
i was even trying it all
and these feelings of helplessness and
inefficacy
were only worsened every time i was hit
with another tidal wave of resilience
propaganda
as the spring semester ended and my
anxiety and imposter syndrome reached
all-time highs
i knew one thing for sure i could not
spend another second behind that stupid
computer screen
i needed to get away from the digital
world and step into a space where i
could breathe
more easily someplace where i felt calm
and safe
i needed to escape these pressures to be
perfect and successful during a pandemic
and find a way to regain my sense of
strength and efficacy
and efficacy yes and
so well i guess you could say i came to
the conclusion that any other young
rational adult experiencing a quarter
life crisis in severe emotional distress
during a pandemic would come to
i decided what better remedy than to
sweat profusely under the summer sun
and get my hands caked in dirt and by
that i mean
i reached out to julianne donini the
winemaker and co-founder of a south
jersey winery known as auburn road
vineyards
and i asked if i could help out in the
fields the subsequent shift in my life
was sudden trading my laptop for a pair
of pruners
i was now spending hours upon hours in
the grapevines on a near daily basis
allowing me to escape the incessant
stream of confusion frustration and
hopelessness that had been drowning me
for months
and in only a few days time i began to
notice a difference within me
i felt more in control of my environment
and because there were tangible results
to my work and i was supporting a local
business
i felt like my actions counted for
something again
and maybe the dehydration was just
really messing with me but
i found myself feeling happier i was
reconnecting with nature in my community
and i was finally beginning to reconnect
with myself
in the open air of the vineyard i was
able to reflect
and find answers to what had troubled me
for months
you may not suspect it but there’s
actually a lot to be learned from
working in a vineyard
each task is its own quest and each
plant its own adventure
in particular i learned a lot from
working with a certain pesky plant known
as petite for dough
a hybrid grape that makes for a
wonderfully bold floral and fruity wine
but it is absolutely terrible and
painstaking to work with
for reference typical vineyard tasks
include detangling the vines
positioning them so they grow straight
and ensuring that the grape clusters
won’t impede on each other’s growth
petite for dough is especially difficult
to work with because it has thin
windy and brittle vines that are easily
tangled and all too easily broken
and thus it’s easy to become frustrated
and to lose motivation as you wrestle
with these vines
because no matter how gentle you try to
be they always manage to snap in your
hands
the more i worked with this plant
however the more i realized how
important it was
to stop to pause and step back
and to look at the plant in its entirety
only then can you identify all the areas
that need to be addressed
and how from the weeds at the base of
the trunk to the overlapping grape
clusters
and to the tendrils that reach in every
single direction
only then with this greater perspective
can you take care of the plant’s needs
and promote its future health
if you only focus on the wild tangled up
canopy
you’ll never see the roots the issue or
how those roots propagate further
problems
for a long time i was only looking at
the canopy
i saw nothing but long spurious paths of
opportunity that had withered away
a lot of what i had worked and hoped for
was now this jumbled mess of a situation
and that was all i could see or focus on
but when i stepped back
away from our digital world into the
vineyard
i was able to see and appreciate the
larger picture
and i was able to deeply reflect on life
and the status of our country
i could see the roots where the weeds of
kova 19 had taken hold
to the tangled factors that muddled the
situation and to the unfruitful fruits
of our present reality
now clearly seeing how my life had
changed as a result of the pandemic
i could address the situation and my
emotional needs
i started by asking myself what i could
do to feel whole again
what i wanted my role in this world to
be what i wanted to contribute to and be
a part of
i asked myself what i truly wanted in my
professional
and personal lives and how i wanted to
strike a balance between the two
like petite bordeaux i had been tangled
in a knot and i needed to be gentle
and intentional in releasing my bind and
by stepping back
back into the vineyard i did just that
i could more clearly hear my thoughts i
had ample time and space to process my
emotions
there was no pressure to keep trudging
onwards when i was out there
and this action of stepping back was by
no means a hindrance
i ultimately made two three steps
forward
i regained my sense of efficacy and my
drive to take on new challenges returned
i had a better sense of who i was and
who i wanted to be
i started the fall semester feeling
strengthened and invigorated
i improved my emotional physical and
mental well-being
so now i ask all of you was this
not resilience sure i didn’t get an
internship
and i definitely didn’t take extra
classes and by no means did i create
some crazy startup with a breathtaking
ipo either but
i grew i became stronger
i survived i believe that all too often
just like those emails and linkedin
posts we mistake resilience for
unwavering strength
for the conviction that we must quickly
pick ourselves back up when we are
knocked down
and that we must keep charging forward
until we achieve our goals
and this misunderstanding isn’t
surprising
the confounding of resilience and
perseverance as discussed
is widespread in our individualistic and
capitalistic society
and it’s here that i would like to
reframe our understanding of resilience
true resilience is employing emotionally
intelligent skills
or in other words listening to how we
feel and responding appropriately with
the care
and attention we need true resilience is
practicing self-compassion
and attending to our psychological needs
it’s self-improvement and
self-strengthening through adaptive
coping methods
true resilience is not defined by brawn
nor is it defined by the accolades or
achievements we gain during trying times
this true resilience that i’m talking
about is known as psychological
resilience
the ability to protect the emotional and
mental self
so that one can work through adversity
this is a concept that many of us are
familiar with but don’t practice nearly
as often as we should
i mean i’m a psychology student and this
concept is not new to me
but it took the wrath of a pandemic for
me to internalize what it truly means to
be resilient
at this point i’d like to acknowledge
that i’ve been one of the more fortunate
ones
i recognize that many of the losses
experienced by others
far outweigh my own but regardless of
the differences and the hardships we’ve
faced
i hope that you may still find some use
on my message today
in the end 2020 was a year of
unimaginable losses for all of us
and we all responded differently for
better or worse
so i want to leave you with this note
the ability to be psychologically
resilient
is both necessary and attainable for all
of us
i encourage you all to find the people
the place or the activity
that helps you to relax reflect grow and
rejuvenate
being outdoors and working in the
vineyard was an important practice for
me
but if picking grapes all day isn’t
exactly your cup of tea
perhaps you can find strength or comfort
through art
music reading time spent with family
volunteering
therapy or anything else that works for
you
there isn’t necessarily a universal
solution for all of us
but there’s likely something out there
that can be your remedy
and to find that and to figure out when
you need it
i encourage you to look inwards ask
yourself
right now even what feels wrong what are
your unmet needs
and what will make you feel better you
may still feel the pressures to be tough
or to keep on fighting you may even feel
guilty for being
unproductive when taking time to focus
on your emotions
but the more you practice emotional
intelligence the more you will learn to
overcome that old definition of
resilience
and once you embrace what it means to be
psychologically resilient
you can fully provide your emotional
self with the care
attention and nourishment it needs you
will see that
stepping back is not a setback but the
preparation before you take a giant leap
forward
so please be kind and forgiving to
yourself
remember that you’re not some
productivity robot but a person
a social emotional being your mental
health is a key part of who you are
and if you’re burnt out you won’t be
able to get much further along
so don’t be afraid to take a step back
away from the heat of the moment
because in many cases it will allow you
to go even further in life than you ever
expected to
thank you