Find out the two friends you never knew you had
[Music]
it is a beautiful
summer evening
in
new haven connecticut
close to yale university in an
auditorium
just like this
and it’s packed with about 350 people
and it is a magical evening
because it is a celebration of a program
of that we were all part of we were
graduating and we could bring our family
and friends and it was a very exciting
evening
so
in this magical evening i decided to
bring
the woman that i loved
the woman
that i had graduated with gone to
graduate school and i had known her for
a few years
so i bring her to this event and
everybody’s sharing about themselves and
introducing themselves
and this magical evening i decided
that the moment was right
and something that i had been preparing
for
and i thought she was ready for
so i asked for the microphone
and yes
i go down on my knees
and i pop the question
will you marry me
silence i thought she didn’t hear it
so i go again
will you marry me
silence for what seemed like an eternity
and then after a long pause she goes i’m
not sure
what would you do
i felt like shrinking
and disappearing in the crowd
i didn’t know how to react
what would you do
how would you react in these type of
situations
as you think about this
the key question
is how do we create a space
a sacred space
in our lives when something happens to
us
and then how do we respond to it
because as viktor frankl said
this is a very sacred space
in how we respond to things that happen
in our life
in our choice we make lies our future
growth and possibility
now
how do you do this
right
it’s easier said than done we are always
reminded you know you can’t control the
things that happen in your life
but you can control your actions
but it is easier said than done how do
we do it life can be a struggle
you know it’s not you may not have these
type of situations when somebody rejects
you in front of 350 people often but
often on a day-to-day basis you know
something happens
and we get upset and we want to react
you know or
your plans don’t go the way like you
plan and it upsets you and you react
right in these type of situations how do
we make better choices what do we do
right
so before i tell you
what happened that evening
i want to introduce you to two of my
best friends
and i promise you once you meet them
they will become your best friends too
that’s what this talk is about
so
my two best friends are
ben
and bob
now we all have an inner voice
right we all have an inner voice that
talks to us all the time
and now there is research based on act
or acceptance and commitment theory and
cbt cognitive behavior therapy that if
you take this voice and give it a name
it creates a space it creates a distance
then it’s not you it’s not me and then i
don’t have to agree with everything that
she’s telling me
right so so what does this mean
let’s take a look at few examples right
so you have
cookies in front of you
and of course you are tempted and you’re
craving you want to eat those delicious
chocolate you know you want that you
want that right so you uh the ben is
telling you come on take two nobody’s
looking
right
and bob is telling you
that hey
later on you may not feel that good and
in the long term it may have you know
health impact and you may gain weight
right
so
uh you get an email
right and you want to respond to it very
quickly uh and in an angry way because
you didn’t like what he was saying so
you want to text you want to tweet but
bob is telling you what’s going to be
the consequence of your reaction
you want a gucci bag
bob is telling you do you really need it
you are looking at how many followers i
have how many likes do i have
how many profit we have made in this
quarter and bob is telling you what’s
the real connection is there any value
is there any impact
you see bob knows that everything has a
benefit
because you know
there is a benefit in front of
everything we do
but oftentimes this is a fake benefit
or a false price
so how do these imaginary friends help
me every day
they help me create a space or a
distance you see we all live in a bubble
and as humans we forget that we live in
a bubble so ben wants me to stay in my
bubble bob wants me to pull out of that
bubble ben wants me to reinforce my
biases bob wants me to take me out of
the biases
whenever i get in a tough situation i
always ask what would ben do and what
would bob do
so
here’s the thing i know as you’re
listening to this you’re thinking oh i
get this what he’s talking about is like
oh the
two angels on each shoulder the devil
and the you know angel right or but no
that’s not what i’m talking about that’s
easier the good and evil but here what
we are talking about is big
and bigger or good and better so
sleeping in the morning in your blanket
is good it makes you feel good but
getting up right and working out is
better
right texting to somebody and responding
very quickly
is good makes you feel good you get it
off of your chest but holding off is
better
not speaking up when you see something
is not right
is good because you will keep your job
but speaking up
is bigger
right
cleaning up trash is good but taking
that trash and making art of that
is bigger starting a business is good
but starting a business with a cause is
bigger you see everything in life has
this
we can use ben and bob in all of our
aspects of life
so how many of you
have arguments with your wives and
husbands or your spouses how many of you
have arguments
right so today
you know if you meet ben and bob it will
change
because but you know in any argument you
have a choice
you want to be right or you want to be
happy
ben wants to be
right bob wants to be
so
how did i discover ben and bob
my day job is strategy execution i work
with organizations and companies around
the world
and what i see
is that there is a big disconnect
between strategy and execution between
outputs and outcomes
everybody is busy doing busy work
but they don’t challenge themselves to
how does this connect
with the big picture of the organization
so we measure
things like what are my likes uh how
much you know profit am i going to make
in this quarter but the bob aspect is
how what are the outcomes what are the
outcomes that’s the benefit of the
benefit now
organizations that can connect this
strategy and execution because strategy
is all about
making choices making tough choices
that achieve bigger and better results
right so how do we how do we do that
that’s very rare by the way where
organizations can link strategy and
execution and link performance with
purpose but when that happens
it is magical
so let me share
one
organization that we are all familiar
with and i heard the story first when i
was working with teams at nasa
so this is a rare period in the 1960s
in during the apollo program at nasa
so the story goes something like this
there is a bathroom
and there is a janitor who cleans the
bathroom so he’s cleaning the bathroom
and involves somebody
and they notice that today the bathroom
is looking extra clean
so they say you know hey
thank you thank you for cleaning the
bathroom it’s looking beautiful
the guy looks up and he says sir i’m not
cleaning the bathroom
he says really he’s puzzled so he’s
asked what are you doing then he says
sir
i’m not cleaning the bathroom i’m
putting help a man on the moon
right
so you see in our organizations most of
the time what we’re doing is cleaning
the bathroom
we measure and reward people for
cleaning the bathroom
you know we we look at how many things
we can check off how many things we have
produced
uh uh how much how many followers how
many likes we have
but bob is asking what is the outcome
what is the benefit of the benefit now
you can really
push the bob and look for the bob of the
bob
which goes beyond outputs and outcomes
because that is more you’re thinking
about long-term reputation sustenance
your impact and legacy
that’s why companies like google
do not
care much about their quarterly results
because they are more focused on what is
the impact we are going to leave a
hundred or 200 years from now
so
as you’re listening you you might be
thinking i’m suggesting that ben is good
and bob is better
right not really
because you see ben has benefit right
and you can’t have bob without ben
right so how do we resolve this paradox
right between ben and bob they are not
good and bad they are good and better
big and bigger so there should be a
healthy choice
conflict and balance between the two you
see ben has his feet on the ground bob
has a head on the clouds
ben is focused bob is diffused
ben is looking for quick solutions bob
is making sure i’m asking the right
questions
ben is saying how can i quickly become
successful bob is saying how can i serve
how can i be more useful
so i know you’re thinking how do i
practice this
have you seen birds you know how they
eat
they they’re focused on the food that’s
in front of them right so they peck
and then they pause and see scan the
horizon to see who what are the
predators so they peck and they pause
they peck and they pause it’s almost
like they are alternating between ben
and bob ben and bob
so
how do we combine the best of these
to ben and bob right now there’s
research
of successful leaders from around the
world in multiple industries and one of
the things they found in the research is
that people who are very successful they
can take two opposing ideas
and bring them together and combine them
and integrate them and create something
that’s even better it’s like roger
martin said it’s not like you’re doing
one at the expense of other but you’re
combining the two to produce something
that’s better
so
let’s go back to that evening
if you’re wondering what happened that
evening
right
and i got rejected in front of 350
people
what did i do did i hide did i disappear
there were women coming up to me and
saying jack get rid of her i’m available
but you know what at that point i didn’t
have my ben and bob that developed but
there was a little bit of bob in me
so i persisted
and you know what
it took a while
but she
listened to her bob and finally she said
yes
now
now that’s fine but i want to show you
the outcome and impact of that
the picture i want to show you
was with my daughter
and my daughter nina
at her graduation
and that would not have happened
if i had listened to my ben that day
so some time back my mother-in-law said
you have one good quality
i said one she’s never said anything
nice to me
so she said i want good quality so i
said what what please tell me what is it
she said you forget things easily
and i didn’t know how to tell her that
i don’t know how to tell her that that’s
the reason i married your daughter
i hope
you enjoyed meeting my best friends ben
and bob
i hope they become your best friends
because they will help you
in any tough situation to ask the right
questions
to get you outside your bubble and to
make tough choices
i believe in today’s world more than
ever that more people need to understand
this distinction between ben and bob
especially if you are a leader a
politician or a ceo especially if you’re
struggling with
inside inward versus outward
long-term versus short-term
mindless reaction versus thoughtful
possibility
good versus better big versus bigger
i believe that if more people discover
their ben and bob
we will create a better space
and we will make this world a better
world thank you very much
thank you
thank you
thank you
thank you
thank you
[Music]
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