Becoming a Superhero The Science and Power of Altruism
how many of you have ever watched a
superhero movie
how many of you have ever wanted to be a
superhero
how many of you think that you are a
superhero
long before i became a psychologist and
got involved in forensic neuropsychology
when i was in my 20s i was on a fast
track to becoming
billionaire tony stark aka iron man no
really
i believed based on what was going on in
my life that i was going to become
a real-life tony stark what happened was
the company i started with two others
had just won a government contract with
the department of defense to provide it
support
the contract excited me so much that the
night after we signed it
i went home and i got on the internet to
look at all the things i was going to be
buying for myself
a mega yacht a private jet to fly with
my very own island i was going to name
after myself
and an unlimited supply of beef jerky
all of these things and more
were coming my way or at least that’s
what i thought in that moment
and it’s funny how moments happen
because all it takes is for one moment
to completely reboot a lifetime of
thinking
that moment happened for me on my way to
dinner on an otherwise ordinary saturday
night
when i was making a left hand turn and
the 17 year old kid came screaming
through the intersection
i looked up midway through my turn and i
knew what was happening immediately
i knew that i was about to die
now something about the brain that’s
very interesting which we know from a
neuroscience research standpoint
is that when it perceives itself as
being an imminent danger it can
slow our perception of the environment
down for us we have data from veterans
of past wars who’ve experienced this
phenomenon and it’s kind of like neo
in the matrix when he was dodging those
bullets in slow motion
for me was maybe three seconds from when
that car hits me
my airbag goes off and i crash into a
telephone pole again maybe three seconds
but it might as well have been an
eternity
i could look down and i could see my
center console being crushed into my
ribs like it was an empty can of coke
i could look up and i could see my
shattered windshield and little bits of
it
floating through the air with the light
of the sun reflecting off it and
during i’m during the time of seeing
this i realize
that this is the end of my life and i
suddenly become overwhelmed
with a sense of guilt for a number of
reasons
guilt that i had become so focused on
material things
guilt that my parents are about to get a
call that i’m dead
and guilt that i only had two payments
left on the thing until i owned it
outright
now spoiler alert i survived
but as a result of the accident i
suffered a broken spine
nearly tore all the ligaments in my neck
and i suffered a number of severe
internal injuries
after months of recovery i was finally
able to go back to work but things were
never the same for me
everything felt different the world was
like a shade of gray
i kept working in that position for two
more years
each day feeling more and more
unfulfilled in my work and more
depressed in my life i
would say to myself this can’t be the
path that i meant to walk
especially not after that accident and
it all finally came to a head one day
when i just couldn’t take it anymore
i walked into work and i told my
partners that i quit
from that moment i went from working
upwards of 100 hours a week
to zero from the prospects of multiple
deals in the pipeline which would have
meant significant income
to nothing i had absolutely no
idea what i was going to do but i knew
what i was doing wasn’t working
and that something needed to change i
needed a reboot
now sometimes reboots happen physically
such as with my accident
and sometimes they happen
psychologically such as when i was
feeling unfulfilled in my life path
now i hope for everybody listening to
this that you never have to go through
anything like i went through but what
that accident did for me was it gave me
a chance
to take a step back focus on what really
matters and start to discover that
one thing that truly gave me a sense of
purpose
you see when we strip away all of
society’s expectations the
the rules those little voices in our
head whispering fear about how other
people might perceive you
or a lack of money what starts to reveal
itself is that one thing that you’re
meant to do
and who you’re meant to be now after i
walked away from my company i can tell
you that was
by far the lowest point in my life i was
severely depressed
filled with regret and i was ashamed
because i let down so many people who
were counting on me to be a big success
but mostly
i felt completely lost and i had no idea
what to do with my life
but everybody else already had a plan
you should go to law school oh you’d be
a great salesperson
why don’t you become a financial planner
none of those things did anything for me
but i told myself that i had to be open
to whatever possibilities came my way
no matter where they came from and for
me
it happened next to the bananas in the
produce section of my grocery store
i overheard two women talking about
their teenage daughters who were posting
inappropriate pictures on social media
and i just kind of interjected into
their conversation which was
uncharacteristic for me and i told them
i had a background in internet security
and i gave them
some tips and strategies that they could
use to keep their family safe
online and then they asked me to come
and share that same information
with their school pta now what they
didn’t know
is that i had been sitting home for
months at a time
doing nothing but feeling sorry for
myself
but i responded with yeah i think i can
squeeze that in
and so now i find myself speaking in
front of a bunch of parents and they
found the talk
really really helpful i didn’t have any
agenda here i wasn’t trying to sell
anything
all i was trying to do was be of service
but what i felt was good for the first
time in a very long time and it gave me
a taste of maybe what
could be when that talk was over this
guy comes up to me from the audience
who was on the local police department’s
cyber crime unit and he told me he
really liked what i had to say
he went on to tell me that i could say
things as a civilian
that he couldn’t in law enforcement and
asked me to team up
so now i’m speaking to parents and
educators
on how they can keep their families safe
online
and at one of those experiences a
guidance counselor comes up to me
and asked me if i’d be willing to mentor
a seventh grade
child who was having a lot of trouble he
was acting out there were problems at
home
and i said yes and we started meeting
week after week month after month
and things started to get better for him
things started to improve in his life
and now all of a sudden that little
cartoon light bulb over my head
is glowing really really bright and i’m
starting to figure out
that sense of purpose which felt
incredible now
one could make an argument depending on
what side of the coin you believe in
coincidence or fate
that i accidentally found what i’m
supposed to be doing
in large part just because i went to the
grocery store now there are those people
who know and have always known what
they’re supposed to be doing with their
lives they
pop out of the womb and they declare i’m
going to be an astronaut
and they become an astronaut but for
most everyone else
it’s usually far less clear
but through talking to those parents
about internet safety and volunteering
with this troubled teen
i learned an important lesson which
profoundly
changed my life and it will change yours
as well
and that is when you help others
you help yourself now hold on a minute i
know that’s
very cliche but the research actually
backs this up research has repeatedly
shown
that we are biologically hardwired to
feel good
when we help other people if i was to
hook up
real-time diagnostic imaging to any two
people watching this right now and i
gave person a thousand dollars in person
b
gave somebody else a thousand dollars we
could look and see what part of their
brain is lighting up
and you know what it’s exactly the same
it’s called the mesolimbic pathway it’s
an ancient mammalian system for rewards
and it’s associated
with pleasure in the brain so we’re all
very focused on our selfies and our
social media posts and that’s the world
we live in today right
but the truth is we’re biologically
designed
to help other people and we don’t focus
on that in our society at all
we need to especially now
when we help others we benefit from the
release of dopamine which is a pleasure
hormone
we also get the release of oxytocin
which fosters trust
and connectedness and there’s a large
body of research that suggests
that those that have a higher presence
of oxytocin in their system are
actually healthier their immune systems
are stronger
they miss fewer days at work and they
have improved relationships
this is phenomenal research and it’s
more critical today
than ever so now all of these stories
i’ve shared with you have led me to what
i’m doing today
mentoring that teenager gave me the
confidence to apply to graduate school
i earned my master’s in social work and
went on to obtain a doctorate in
clinical psychology
everything i’ve built since then has
shared the same mission
of helping others from the mother who
thanked me from helping her
child overcome a learning disability to
the young man
who wrote me to tell me that hearing my
story in my podcast gave him new hope
and convinced him not to commit suicide
every day i actually feel more like a
superhero than if i had become
tony stark because i get the opportunity
to help make a difference in the lives
of people
we all have moments that define us and
help us discover a true purpose
today the world is very much in a
process of rebooting and it’s giving us
all an
opportunity to step back reflect and
strip away the noise to find what really
matters
remember that the science shows us that
we are biologically predisposed to help
others and then when we do
we benefit physiologically and
psychologically as well
so wherever you are on your journey to
finding your purpose
make it a point to notice opportunities
to do something kind for someone else
and trust that
when you help others you also help
yourself thank you