Listening to shame Bren Brown
I’m gonna tell you a little about it
about my TEDx Easton Talk I woke up the
morning after I gave that talk with the
worst vulnerability hangover of my life
and I actually didn’t leave my house for
about three days the first time I left
was to meet a friend for lunch and when
I walked in she was already at the table
and I sat down and she said God you look
like hell I said thanks umm I feel
really I am I’m not functioning and she
said what’s going on and I said I just
told 500 people that I became a
researcher to avoid vulnerability and
that when being vulnerable emerged from
my data as absolutely essential to
wholehearted living I told these 500
people that I had a breakdown I had a
slide that said breakdown at what point
did I think that was a good idea and she
said I saw your talk live streamed it
was it was not really you it was a
little different than what you usually
do but it was great and I said this
can’t happen YouTube they’re putting
this thing on YouTube and we’re going to
be talking about 600-700 people
and she said well I think it’s too late
and I said let me ask you something and
she said yeah and I said remember when
we were in college and really wild and
kind of dumb
she said yeah and I said remember when
we leave a really bad message on our
ex-boyfriends answering machine then
we’d have to break into his dorm room
and then erase the tape and she goes no
so of course the only thing I could be
able to say at that point was yeah me
neither
I thought that that yeah I don’t yeah I
mean either thank you to myself burn hey
what are you doing what are you doing
why did you bring this up have you lost
your mind your sisters would be perfect
for this so look back up and she said
are you really going to try to break in
and steal the video before they put it
on YouTube and I said I’m just thinking
about it a little bit
she said you’re like the worst
vulnerability role model ever and then I
looked at her and I said something that
at the time felt a little dramatic but
ended up being more prophetic than
dramatic I said if five hundred turns
into a thousand our two thousand my life
is over
I had no contingency plan for 4 million
and my life did end when that happen and
maybe the hardest part about my life
ending is that I learn something hard
about myself and that was that as much
as I would be frustrated about not being
able to get my work out to the world
there was a part of me that was working
very hard to engineer staying small
staying right under the radar but I want
to talk about what I’ve learned there’s
two things that I’ve learned in the last
year the first is vulnerability is not
weakness and that myth is profoundly
dangerous let me ask you honestly and
I’ll give you this this warning I’m
trained as a therapist so I can outwait
you uncomfortably so if you could just
raise your hand that would be awesome
how many of you honestly when you’re
thinking about doing something
vulnerable or saying something
vulnerable
thank God vulnerability is weakness this
is weakness how many of you think of
vulnerability weakness synonymously the
majority of people now let me ask you
this question this past week at Ted how
many of you when you solve ulnar ability
up here thought it was pure courage
vulnerability is not weakness i define
vulnerability as emotional risk exposure
uncertainty it fuels our daily lives and
I’ve come to the belief this is my 12th
year doing this research that
vulnerability is our most accurate
measurement of courage to be vulnerable
to let ourselves be seen to be honest
one of the weird things that’s happened
is after the TED explosion I got a lot
of offers to speak all over the country
everyone from schools and parent
meetings to fortune 500 companies and so
many of the calls went like this hey dr.
Brown we loved your TED talk we’d like
you to come in and
feet we’d appreciate it if you wouldn’t
mention vulnerability or shame what
would you like for me to talk about
there’s three big answers this is mostly
to be honest with you from the business
sector innovation creativity and change
so let me go on the record and say a
vulnerability is the birthplace of
innovation creativity and change to
create is to make something that has
never existed before there’s nothing
more vulnerable than that adaptability
to change is all about vulnerability the
second thing in addition to really
finally understanding the relationship
between vulnerability and courage the
second thing I learned is this we have
to talk about shame and I’m gonna be
really honest with you when I became
like a vulnerability researcher and that
became the focus because of the TED talk
and I’m not kidding that I’ll give you
an example about three months ago I was
in a sporting goods store buying goggles
and shin guards and all the things that
parents buys this foreign goods store
about from a hundred feet away this is
what I hear vulnerability Ted
vulnerability Ted
yeah I’m a fifth generation Texan our
family motto is lock and load I am NOT a
natural vulnerability researcher so I’m
like just keep walking she’s on my six I
mean I hear vulnerability tad I turn
around I go hi she’s right here and she
said you’re the shame researcher who had
the breakdown at this point parents are
like pulling their children close look
away and I’m so worn out at this point
in my life I look at her and I actually
say it was a freaking spiritual
awakening and she looks back and does
this I know she said we watched her TED
talk in my book club then we read your
book and we renamed ourselves the
breakdown babes and she said our tagline
is were falling apart and it feels
fantastic
you can only imagine what it’s like for
me in a faculty meeting so when I became
vulnerabilites head like an action
figure like ninja Barbie but on
vulnerability Ted I thought I’m gonna
leave that shame stuff behind because I
spent six years studying shame before I
really started writing and talking about
vulnerability and I thought thank God
because shame is this horrible topic no
one wants to talk about it it’s the best
way to shut people down on an airplane
what do you do I study shame and I see
you you know but in surviving this last
year I was reminded of a cardinal rule
not a research rule but as a moral
imperative from my upbringing you got a
dance with the one who brung ya and I
did not learn about vulnerability and
courage and creativity and innovation
from studying vulnerability I learned
about these things from studying shame
and so I want to walk you in to shame
you me and a list called shame the
swampland of the soul and we’re gonna
walk in and the purpose is not to walk
in and you know construct a home and
live there it is to put on some galoshes
and walk through and find our way around
here’s why we heard the most compelling
call ever to have a conversation in this
country and I think globally around race
right yes we heard that yes
cannot have that conversation without
shame because you cannot talk about race
without talking about privilege and when
people start talking about privilege
they get paralyzed by shame we heard a
brilliant simple solution to not killing
people in surgery which is have a
checklist you can’t fix that problem
without addressing shame because when
they teach those folks how to suture
they also teach them how to stitch their
self-worth to being all-powerful and
all-powerful folks don’t need checklists
and I had to write down the name of this
its head fellow so I didn’t mess it up
here
Michigan Engle wale I hope I did right
by you I saw the TED Fellows my first
day here and he got up and he explained
how he was driven to create some
technology to help test for anemia
because people were dying unnecessarily
and he said I saw this need so you know
what I did I made it and everybody just
burst into applause and they were like
yes and he said and it didn’t work and
then I made it 32 more times and then it
worked
you know what the big secret about Ted
is I can’t wait to tell people this I
guess I’m doing it right now
this is like the failure conference
no it is you know why this place is
amazing because very few people here are
afraid to fail and no one that gets on
the stage so far that I’ve seen has not
failed I have failed miserably many
times I don’t think the world
understands that because of shame
there’s a great quote that saved me this
past year by a Theodore Roosevelt a lot
of people refer to it as a man the arena
quote and it goes like this it is not
the critic who counts it is not the man
who sits and points out how the doer of
Deeds could have done things better and
how he falls and stumbles the credit
goes to the man in the arena whose face
is marred with dust and blood and sweat
but when he’s in the arena at best he
wins and at worst he loses but when he
fails when he loses he does so daring
greatly and that’s what this conference
to me is about that’s what life is about
about daring greatly about being in the
arena when you walk up to that arena and
you put your hand on the door and you
think I’m going in and I’m gonna try
this shame is the gremlin who says uh
you’re not good enough you never
finished that MBA your wife left you
I know your dad really wasn’t in
Luxemburg he was in sing-sing I know you
there’s things that happen to you
growing up I know you don’t think that
you’re pretty enough or smart enough or
talented enough for powerful enough I
know your dad never paid attention even
when you made CFO shame is that thing
and then if we could quiet it down and
walk in and say I’m gonna do this we
look up in the critic that we see
pointing and laughing 99% of the time is
who us shame drives to big tapes never
good enough and if you can talk it out
of that one who do you think you are
the thing to understand about shame is
it’s not guilt shame is a focus on self
guilt is a focus on behavior shame is I
am bad guilt as I did something bad
how many of you if you did something
that was hurtful to me we’d be willing
to say I’m sorry I made a mistake how
many of you would be willing to say that
guilt I’m sorry I made a mistake shame
I’m sorry I am a mistake there is a huge
difference between shame and guilt and
here’s what you need to know
shame is highly highly correlated with
addiction depression violence aggression
bullying suicide eating disorders and
here’s what you even need to know more
guilt inversely correlated with those
things the ability to hold something
we’ve done or failed to do up against
who we want to be is incredibly adaptive
it’s uncomfortable but it’s adaptive the
other thing you need to know about shame
is it’s absolutely organized by gender
if shame washes over me and washes over
Chris it’s gonna feel the same everyone
sitting in here knows the warm wash of
shame we’re pretty sure that the only
people who don’t experience shame are
people who have no capacity for
connection or empathy which means yes I
have a little shame no I’m a sociopath
so I would opt for yes you have a little
shame shame feels the same for men and
women but it’s organized by gender for
women the best example I can give you is
Anjali the commercial I can put the wash
on the line pack the lunches canned out
the kisses and be work at five to nine I
can bring home the bacon fry it up in
the pan and never let you forget you’re
a man for women shame is do it all do it
perfectly and never let them see you
sweat
I don’t know how much perfume that
commercial sold but I guarantee you it
moved a lot of antidepressants and
anti-anxiety meds
shame for women is this web of
unattainable conflicting competing
expectations about who were supposed to
be and it’s a straitjacket for men
shame is not a bunch of competing
conflicting expectations shame is one do
not be perceived as what weak I did not
interview men for the first four years
of my study and it wasn’t until a man
looked at me one day after a book
signing said I love what you have to say
about shame I’m curious why you didn’t
mention men and I said I don’t study men
and he said that’s convenient and I said
why and he said because you say to reach
out tell our story be vulnerable but you
see those books you just sign for my
wife and my three daughters I said yeah
they’d rather me die on top of my white
horse than watch me fall down when we
reach out and be vulnerable we get the
beat out of us and don’t tell me
it’s from our the guys and the coaches
and the dads because the women in my
life are harder on me than anyone else
so I started interviewing men and asking
questions and what I learned is this you
show me a woman who can actually sit
with a man and real vulnerability and
fear I’ll show you a woman who’s done
incredible work you show me a man who
can sit with a woman who’s just had it
she can’t do it all anymore and his
first response is not I unloaded the
dishwasher but he really listens because
that’s all we need I’ll show you a guy
who’s done a lot of work shame is an
epidemic in our culture and to get out
from underneath it
to find our way back to each other we
have to understand how it affects us and
how it affects the way our parenting the
way we’re working the way we’re looking
at each other very quickly some research
by mahalik at Boston College
he asked what do women need to do to
conform to female norms the top answers
in this country nice then modest and use
all available resources for appearance
when he asked about men what a men in
this country need to do to conform with
male norms the answers were always show
emotional control work his first pursue
status and violence if we’re going to
find our way back to each other we have
to understand and no empathy because
empathy is the antidote to shame if you
put shame in a petri dish it needs three
things to grow exponentially secrecy
silence and judgment if you put the same
amount of shame in a petri dish and
douse it with empathy it can’t survive
the two most powerful words when we’re
in struggle me too
and so I’ll leave you with this thought
if we’re going to find our way back to
each other
vulnerability is going to be that path
and I know it’s seductive to stand
outside the arena because I think I did
it my whole life and thank to myself I’m
gonna go in there and kick some ass when
I’m bulletproof and when I’m perfect and
that is seductive but the truth is that
never happens and even if you got as
perfect as you could in his bulletproof
as you could possibly muster and you got
in there that’s not what we want to see
we want you to go in we want to be with
you and across from you and we just want
for ourselves and for the people we care
about and the people we work with
- dear greatly so thank y’all very much
I really appreciate it
you