Hows your social health Lets test it.
[Applause]
do you realize
that loneliness and social isolation
can be as bad for your health as smoking
15 cigarettes a day
think about that and it recently just
leap frogged obesity as the number two
killer
in the united states and yet most of us
we watch what we put into our bodies
what we eat or if we exercise
a lot more than we pay attention to the
people
that we let into our lives why
because most of us are under a delusion
that i am going to rid us of today
here it is we think that what we put
into our bodies what we eat or if we
smoke
affects our biochemistry more than the
things we experience
externally and that’s not true
the people the things and the contexts
around us
influence our physiology just as much as
the things that we consume
i studied this subject as a bio-social
anthropologist
that means i get to study how humans
have evolved
and how they’ve adapted over time to all
of their different environments
and that includes our modern man-made
environment and there’s one thing
that all humans across time
and throughout every culture they’ve all
shared it’s this one thing
it’s that humans are hyper social
from our infant dependency to our
extended juvenility to our
massive social groups humans
literally require one another for our
basic
survival
so much so that the human infant has
over 100 different adaptations
to get you to listen respond
love and take care of them it is not by
accident that babies smell so good in
fact
studies show that when a parent smells
the top
of its infant’s head
the reward centers of the brain light up
just the same as on
opioids but it’s also not by accident
that when a baby cries the human
feels awful in fact studies show floods
the system with stress hormones
and those stress hormones don’t go away
until the
crying baby has been quelled
so quite frankly the human parent is
hijacked
that relationship alters their
biochemistry
and when we alter our biochemistry that
changes how we feel
and how we behave and that ability that
susceptibility to one another
our body’s ability to adapt and respond
to our environments especially social
ones
that doesn’t go away as we age
so much so that most or much
of the experiences you face every day
are your body’s way of responding and
reacting to your social environment
via a series of hormonal rewards and
punishments
when we do something pro-social when we
find
significance when we feel like we matter
or belong
when we fit in or when we achieve social
capital we get rewarded with yummy
pleasurable hormones oxytocin serotonin
dopamine
endorphins we don’t talk enough about
this your body gives you natural
painkillers
when you do social things
but the opposite much like the baby
crying
is true as well when we don’t achieve
that significance
and that belonging and that status
when we feel alone and disconnected
the opposite happens as well
all that unpleasantness that social pain
so what do we do about it
well the first thing to realize is it
doesn’t even matter if these social
interactions
are real digital or even imagined
much the same way that a movie will
change the way our bodies or emotions or
even our sensations
feel a social interaction does the same
thing
so we need to start paying attention to
each
and every one
so how do we check in how do we know if
we’re socially healthy how do we know if
we’re in danger
or if there’s a threat i did some
research to figure out where’s our body
mass index for social health
where is a place where we can go to
figure out if we need more friends or
maybe
less turns out there isn’t one
so i invented it introducing things
introducing to the stage the social
health index
we’re going to start today by asking a
very simple question
how many close friends do you have now
don’t guess
i want you to really count who would
bail you out of jail
let you crash on their couch or pick you
up from an embarrassing surgery
how many friends do you have
now the next question is how many of
those friends
know your hopes your dreams your fears
your
failures and they love you because of it
all
how many people do you have like that
that’s your quality score
now i want you to put your fingers
together your two points your quantity
score
and your quality score and find the
point where your fingers meet
that’s what we’re calling your perceived
social
health score this is how you feel
about the number and depth of the
relationships
in your life
now if you’re in the green zone great
job that means you have a very healthy
social safety net that means if you hit
rock bottom fast
you would have enough people to protect
you and care for you
to have your back
if you’re in the yellow zone you’re
writing what i’m calling a social seesaw
that means sometimes it’s amazing
other times it sucks okay
and that puts your social health at risk
that means either you have a lot
of acquaintance like friendships but
they’re not deep enough
and followers do not count
or you have a couple of really close
friends
but not enough
and that puts your social health at risk
especially if you experience
a social threat a death a breakup or
even a hit to your reputation
you need that safety net in place
now if you’re in the red zone i want you
to listen closely
loneliness and social isolation are
matters of life
and death
improving and investing in relationships
does not get
easier the longer we wait
and it’s up to you to start investing
and improving those relationships now
because much like your favorite comfort
foods not all relationships are good for
your health
so now that we know how to check in with
our social health
how do we get into the green zone i’m
going to leave you with
three quick tips to get into the green
zone
the first one is very simple
every human needs at least one
emotional support human
this is the person that will tell you
that you
are the sun when you feel like your
world is falling apart
who is your person who is your emotional
support human find one
be theirs two this one is very
easy and it works every single time but
i cannot take credit for it
next time you’re with someone no matter
who they are pay attention to how you
feel
pay attention to the signals that your
mind your body and your emotions are
sending to you
do they spark joy do you want to spend
more time with them
do you feel natural and comfortable do
you feel safe both emotionally
and physically or do you feel heavy
tired constantly on guard
if so get rid of them
i’m just kidding you cannot throw out
relationships the way you can an old
t-shirt
but marie kondo’s method of decluttering
still
works for us to help us
determine the joy in the relationships
in our lives
be an internal joy meter because
ultimately when it comes to your
relationships only you can decide
how you feel so the next time you’re
with someone
pay attention if they spark joy keep
them close to text them
often find ways to meet up be there for
them
in their joys and mourn with them in
their losses
this is an important part of your social
safety network
now if you’re with someone and they
diminish the joy in your life
take a really hard look at why
when how often and even if
you need to spend time with them limit
the power
they have over your emotions and your
decisions
be respectful but set boundaries on your
participation
your time and your engagement if need be
put them at the periphery of your social
safety network
finally this third one simple two
you become who you are around our
beliefs and our behaviors
are contagious studies show from divorce
politics obesity to happiness
self-control all of these things
are affected by the people we are around
so i want you to ask yourself this
question
are the people i’m round the most the
people whom i’d like to become
i want you to listen to your doctor
because they are an
expert in the human body and to get
healthy they will tell you to eat
healthy
and exercise and i agree i want you to
listen to them
but i also want you to listen to this
doctor i’m an expert in the human
species and i am telling you that you
need healthy social interactions
daily to be healthy so your prescription
if you choose to accept it is to check
in with your social health regularly
make sure you’re in the green zone or
make steps to get there
invest in the number and depth of your
relationships
and try to spend the bulk of your time
around people who make you happy
because ultimately it won’t only
determine
how happy you are it will determine how
healthy you are thank you
you