Creating REAL Connection Breathing Life and Love into Your Relationships
have you ever had one of those days
where you just have had it and the
people around you haven’t been nearly as
supportive
as you know they should have been and
you get back to your house and you lean
back and you just think to yourself
oh my heavens life would be so much
easier
if there weren’t any other people on
this earth sometimes people are
difficult aren’t they
they have the power to really suck the
life out of you and they have the power
to give you breath the reality is
which one are they going to choose i’ll
never forget the first time i learned
that lesson
i was a young 21 year old emergency
medical technician
in salt lake city utah and not knowing
much about emergency medicine
but wanting to learn i went out on what
was probably my second or my third call
i’ll never forget the moment we went in
on a woman that was struggling to
breathe
probably having an asthma attack and as
i walked in i
saw in her eyes this fear this desire to
breathe
but she couldn’t get a breath i jumped
into action doing the few things i knew
how to do
checking vital signs and getting an
oxygen mask on her
meanwhile a paramedic that was with me
immediately put a brand new device
called a pulse oximeter on her finger
and i could watch as the oxygen was
working inside of her
and her oxygen levels started to go up
it was the most amazing thing in the
world i had just saved
a woman’s life for about a minute then
we put her in the ambulance got her in
the ambulance to take her to the
hospital
and enroute to the ambulance i watched
the pulse oximeter go in the completely
different direction
she was no longer getting the oxygen she
needed and i was terrified what are you
supposed to do
so i immediately checked the oxygen to
make sure it was flowing it was flowing
at the highest level it could
i then bent down and i listened to her
mask to see
if i could hear the oxygen coming out
could hear nothing but her struggled
breathing
didn’t know what to do so i ran my hand
down the tube to the mat
of the mask right to the wheel of the
gurney oh
somebody had put the gurney on top of
this poor woman’s oxygen tube i wonder
who that was
probably the other emt so i lifted the
gurney up
unkinked the hose of the tube leaned in
and i could hear the oxygen flowing
i had saved the woman again a second
time in just a few minutes
now here’s the reality i learned two
important lessons that day
number one i wasn’t a great emt at that
time and number two
i was starving somebody like a lot of us
we tend to kink the hose of the people
around us
we make it so they can’t get the oxygen
they need they’re struggling to breathe
and a lot of us aren’t even aware that
we were part of the problem
when it comes right down to it each and
every one of us can either give
or take the oxygen away from the people
in our most important relationships
think about it what is it like to be in
a relationship with you
what is it like to bring you difficult
news are you there and are you able to
see what i’m saying
can you hear what i’m saying do you feel
what i’m saying and are you with me
during my
difficult times every single one of us
needs this oxygen
in fact dr stephen r covey said when we
really understand another person from
their frame of reference
it is like giving that person emotional
oxygen
each one of us are craving that
emotional oxygen from the people around
us
and when we don’t get it we start to
starve and when we’re starved it creates
bigger and bigger problems for the
people around us we actually start
fighting and fighting and generating a
lot of smoke
in the space between the reality that i
found is it’s not that we’re bad people
that don’t want to try to do this
i think it’s more we don’t know how to
take care of the space between others
there’s a chinese proverb that perfectly
captures
what we should be doing and focusing on
in the space between
it says it’s not the bars that hold the
tiger in it’s the space
between the bars that hold the tiger in
it’s not the notes that makes the music
it’s the space between the notes that
makes the music
if you go to the zoo to the tiger
exhibit and when you get there there are
bars but the bars are four feet apart
i’d get out of there i would skedaddle
because you’re just an appetizer for a
tiger
you see bars are irrelevant if they’re
not spaced effectively
it’s not the bars it’s not the things
that make the difference in our
relationships
it’s what’s happening in between the
things that makes the difference
it’s not one spouse or another spouse
that’s the problem it’s what happens
between the two spouses
that’s the problem it’s not the parent
or the child that are the problem it’s
what happens between
the parent and the child that becomes
the problem it’s not a republican or a
democrat that’s the problem
it’s what happens between republicans
and democrats that create the problem
it’s the space between and none of us
pay attention to it but i want you to
know the space
is real and that it matters what happens
between you
and others matters and if you don’t take
care of the space
the space is going to start to create
problems for you
it starts to create what i call smoke
once the fight or flight kicks in
the smoke starts to come up in the space
between a perfect example of what can
happen in the space between and where it
gets clouded up with smoke
came between two of my clients mike and
carla many many years ago
they came in and they were literally on
the verge of divorce i asked him what’s
causing the divorce
mike immediately said a 400 purse carla
just bought a 400
purse it’s ridiculous nobody needs an
expensive purse
carla was mad she said it’s not a purse
mike it’s a bag
he said i don’t care what you call it
nobody needs an expensive bag
she said oh really how much was your
golf bag right then by the way
mike went deaf he couldn’t hear anything
and he’s like what what are you talking
about why are you bringing up my
my golf bag she said you just bought a
golf bag and i know it was a lot of
money how much did you spend
i don’t know it was three something
three what mike three what i don’t know
you spent 370 and you’re mad that i
spent 400 370 is 400. no it’s not it’s
370 and they went back and forth
and i’m sitting there thinking what are
they fighting about they’re fighting
about 30
when you’re fighting about how you round
a number you are in the smoke
all of a sudden mike came back with some
big retort to protect this
i need an expensive bag because i put
like 2 000 worth of clubs in the bag
oh boy i thought mike what a dummy shut
it just shut it
listen right then scariest moment of my
life in fact i can’t even remember all
the details
all i remember is right then carla’s
head spun all the way around
and fire shot out her eyes and she
talked like this
and she said you always did love golf
more than me
what’s the real issue do you see how the
smoke takes over
now i know you don’t ever do that but
some of your friends and neighbors do
the smoke kicks in and the fight or
flight takes over and we never get
anywhere
the number one killer of people in a
house fire is the smoke
the number one killer of the space
between is when we get caught up in the
smoke
instead of getting down to the fire the
smoke is everything that we fight about
that’s not the real
issue it’s the stuff that irritates us
it’s the stuff that separates us
it’s the stuff that suffocates us that’s
not the real issue
wherever there’s smoke there’s fire the
fire are the real relationship
issues that are at play every human
being has what i call the starved stuff
the seven basic needs that need to be
met we have to feel safe
trusted appreciated respected validated
encouraged and dedication
when those needs are met we feel like we
have oxygen
when those needs aren’t met we start to
suffocate and when you’re suffocating me
i’m gonna feel compelled to suffocate
you that’s what creates the problem in
the space between
the fastest way to cut through it is to
get real in the space between
get real is an acronym of the four
principles we all need to learn to bring
in the space between us and the people
we care about we need to learn to
recognize their emotion
every human being has emotion it comes
from the latin word emo vere which means
to move
our emotions are supposed to move us and
we as human beings are supposed to pay
attention
to the emotions of others when we
recognize their emotion
we can use those emotions to understand
the people better
but when we react to their emotions we
just cause more fight or flight
to recognize another person’s emotion is
like checking their vital signs
just like physically a person that can’t
breathe their body will show
physical signs of trauma and problems
emotionally our body does the exact same
thing
when someone is struggling with
emotional issues and we pay attention to
it
we can see that that person needs our
focus needs our care
and needs attention to truly connect to
another person is to recognize their
emotion
and when somebody knows that you
recognize their emotions
they know that you see them when i can
see you and not react to you
we can start to create a really powerful
space the second principle is to explore
their story
every human being that has an emotion
has a story behind it
many don’t want to share it because
they’re afraid or they’ve never had a
safe place to share it
but each and every one of us want to
have our voice heard
we want our voice to be in the
conversation when we explore another
person’s story we’re telling them
i hear you when i can share my story
with another and you can hear it
it does a bunch of powerful things that
clears the space up
it lowers my emotion because i get to
share my words
it increases your understanding because
you get to feel and understand me better
it helps you understand my past my
present and my future
many of our biggest fights in the
present are coming from unexplored
stories from the past
that have never been safe enough to
share we need to be able to hear the
people around us
by exploring their story better the
third principle is to attend to their
starved stuff
behind every single emotion and every
story there’s a starved issue
and human beings are craving to get
somebody
willing to go deep with them to
understand their needs
to truly understand another person’s
need is not necessarily a hard thing
it’s something we’re all wired to do
naturally every single one of us have
mirror
neurons which makes it so my brain
mirrors your brain and your brain
mirrors my brain
which when we get connected and attuned
to one another and i am dialed into you
i can feel what you’re saying i can feel
it inside of me
that’s why when you see somebody trip in
front of you you startle
that’s why when you see someone smile
you want to smile that’s why when
somebody starts to cry
you might feel the need to cry because
we are attuned
we are effectively one when i can step
down
and hold your most important needs and
understand them and be
influenced by them that’s what attending
is all about
and when that happens you know that i
can feel you
the fourth principle is to lift the
space between
every one of us has power in the space
with another person to either lift that
moment to a higher level
or lower it it’s up to us where we want
to take the conversation
so before you begin to enlighten
everybody with your brilliance
make sure first you’ve recognized the
emotion you’ve explored and attended to
them
then you can share what you really need
to share the power of sharing comes
because i can show you where we’re
together before i try to blow up your
idea i first want to show you where i’m
with you i believe of the biggest
issues we’re all fighting about in this
world if we actually sat down and talked
about it
we’d have about 80 percent agreement and
20 percent disagreement
and yet we spend 100 percent of our
debate where we don’t agree
can i just suggest in the space with
other people that you
always focus first on where you agree on
where you are together
wouldn’t that have been powerful if mike
and carla could have
recognized what the other was saying
what if carla could have recognized i
understand the purse seems like a lot
and what if mike could also agree
and admit and apologize to coming off as
strong as he did
what if they could have more deeply
explored what do you mean when you say
golf is more important to me than than
you help me understand that
do you see the power that comes when
you’re able to lift a conversation
in the end we are all struggling in the
space between
in the end we are all wanting to have
nothing more than somebody to see us
somebody to hear us somebody to feel us
and somebody to be with us
the reality is it’s up to us to make
that happen
an excellent example of what we can do
to create the right spirit in the space
between
is aesop’s fable of the north wind and
the sun
they were in this competition to decide
which element was most powerful
they devised this plan to see whichever
element could first get the cloak
off of this poor passerby would win the
battle
the sun went behind the clouds the wind
came out
got into the space between with this
poor man and just started to blow
and blew cold freezing wind down on the
man and the more the wind blew down on
the man
the more the man turned against the wind
the more the man held tighter to his
cloak
and the more the man fought against it
time and time again the wind could not
ever get the cloak off this poor man
until finally the wind gave up and went
away the sun came out
entered the space with the man and
gently warmly
started to influence the space with that
poor man
and took care of him understanding his
needs and gently
warmly recognized explored attended
and lifted and in so doing the man
finally got hot enough on his own accord
he removed his cloak giving the victory
to the sun
i believe truly in the end we all need
to be more like the sun
we need to bring that warm energy to the
relationships that we have
we need to see people more clearly we
need to hear people more holy
we need to fill people more sincerely
and we need of all things
to lift the conversations around us
think about it what would this world be
like if each and every one of us
could just lift one relationship how
much better could our marriage be
how much better could our relationships
and family be how much better could this
community be
it’s up to us so i challenge you please
think of one relationship
that you know needs more oxygen think of
one person that you know
needs to have their life elevated and i
challenge you to either share this
message with them
or on the sly start creating a safer
space for that person
i promise as you recognize their emotion
explore attend and lift
you will see a powerful change that
takes place i promise you that as you do
so
you’ll let your relationships breathe
thank you
you