The walk from no to yes William Ury
well the subject of difficult
negotiation reminds me of one of my
favorite stories from the Middle East a
man who left to his three sons seventeen
camels and two the first time he left
half the camels to the second son he
left a third of the camels and to the
youngest son he left a ninth of the
camels well three sons got into a
negotiation seventeen doesn’t divide by
two it doesn’t divide by three it
doesn’t divide by nine brotherly tempers
started to get strained finally in
desperation they went and they consulted
a wise old woman the wise old woman
thought about their problem for a long
time and finally she came back and said
well I don’t know if I can help you but
at least if you want you can have my
camel so then they had 18 camels the
first son took is half half of 18 is 9
the second son took his third 1/3 of 18
is 6 the youngest son took his 9th a 9th
of 18 is 2 you get 17 dad one camel left
over they gave it back to the wise old
woman now if you think about that story
for a moment I think it resembles a lot
of the difficult negotiations we get
involved in they start off like 17
camels no way to resolve it somehow what
we need to do is step back from those
situations like that wise old woman look
at the situation through fresh eyes and
come up with an 18th camel now finding
that 18th camel in the world’s conflict
has been my life passion I basically see
humanity a bit like those three brothers
we’re all one family we know that
scientifically thanks to the
communications revolution all the tribes
on the planet all 15,000 tribes are in
touch with each other
and it’s a big family reunion and yet
like many family reunions it’s not all
peace and light there’s a lot of
conflict and the question is how do we
deal with our differences how do we deal
with our deepest differences given the
human propensity for conflict and
human genius at devising weapons of
enormous destruction that’s the question
as I’ve spent the last better part of
three decades almost for traveling the
world trying to work getting involved in
conflicts ranging from Yugoslavia to the
Middle East to Chechnya to Venezuela
some of the most difficult conflicts on
the face of the planet I’ve been asking
myself that question and I think I’ve
found in some ways what is the secret to
peace it’s actually surprisingly simple
it’s not easy but it’s simple it’s not
even new it’s maybe our one of our most
ancient human Heritage’s the secret to
peace is us it’s us who act as a
surrounding community around any
conflict who can play a constructive
role let me give you just a story an
example about twenty years ago I was in
South Africa working with the parties in
that conflict and I had an extra month
so I spent some time living with several
groups of San Bushmen I was curious
about them about the way in which they
resolved conflict because after all
they’re within living memory there were
hunters and gatherers living pretty much
like our ancestors lived for maybe 99%
of the human story and all the men have
these poison arrows that they use for
hunting absolutely fatal so how do they
deal with their differences well what I
learned is whenever tempers rise in
those communities someone goes and hides
the poison arrows out in the bush and
then everyone sits around in a circle
like this and they sit and they talk and
they talk it may take two days three
days four days but they don’t rest until
they find a resolution or better yet a
reconciliation and if tempers are still
too high then they send someone off to
visit some relatives there’s a
cooling-off period well that system is I
think probably the system that kept us
alive to this point given our human
tendencies that system I call the third
side because if you think about it
normally when we think of conflict when
we describe it there’s always two sides
it’s Arabs Erza’s Israelis labor versus
management husband versus wife
Republicans are is as Democrats but what
we don’t often see is that there’s
always a third side and the third side
of the conflict is us it’s the
surrounding community it’s the friends
the allies the family members the
neighbors and we can play an incredibly
constructive role perhaps the most
fundamental way in which the third side
can help is to remind the parties of
what’s really at stake you know for the
sake of the kids for the sake of the
family for the sake of the community for
the sake of the future let’s stop
fighting for a moment and start talking
because the thing is when we’re involved
in conflict it’s very easy to lose
perspective it’s very easy to react
human beings were reaction machines and
as the saying goes when angry you will
make the best speech you will ever
regret
and so the third side reminds us that
the third side helps us go to the
balcony which is a metaphor for a place
of perspective where we can keep our
eyes on the prize let me tell you a
little story from my own negotiating
experience some years ago I was involved
as a facilitator in some very tough
talks between the leaders of Russia and
the leaders of Chechnya there was a war
going on as you know and we met in The
Hague in the Peace Palace in the same
room where the Yugoslav war crimes
tribunal was taking place and the talks
got off to a rather rocky start when the
vice president of Chechnya began by
pointing at the Russians and said you
should stay right here in your seats
because you’re going to be on trial for
war crimes and then he went on and he
turned to me and said you’re an American
look at what you Americans are doing in
Puerto Rico and my mind was started
racing
Frederico would I know about Puerto Rico
I started reacting but then I tried to
remember to go to the balcony and then
when he paused and everyone looked at me
for a response from a balcony
perspective I was able to thank him for
his remarks and say I appreciate your
criticism of my country and I take it as
a sign that were among friends and can
speak candidly to one another and what
we’re here to do is not to talk about
Puerto Rico or the past we’re here to do
just to see if we can figure out a way
to stop the suffering in the bloodshed
in Chechnya the conversation got back on
track that’s the role of the third side
is to help the parties go to the balcony
now let me take you for a moment to
what’s why the regard is the world’s
most difficult conflict the most
impossible conflict is the Middle East
question is where’s the third side there
how could we possibly go to the balcony
now I don’t pretend to have an answer to
the Middle East conflict but I think
I’ve got a first step literally a first
step something that any one of us could
do is third ciders let me just ask you
one question first how many of you in
the last years have ever found yourself
worrying about the Middle East and
wondering what anyone could do just just
out of curiosity how many of you
okay so the great majority of us and
here it’s so far away why do we pay so
much attention to this conflict is it
the number of deaths there are hundred
times more people who die in a conflict
in Africa than in the Middle East no
it’s because of the story because we
feel personally involved in that story
whether we’re Christians Muslims or Jews
religious or non-religious we feel we
have a personal stake in it stories
matter as an anthropologist I know that
stories are what we use to transmit
knowledge they give meaning to our lives
that’s what we tell here at Ted we tell
stories stories are the key and so my
question is is yes let’s try and resolve
the politics there in the Middle East
but let’s also take a look at the story
let’s try to get at the root of what
it’s all about let’s see if we can apply
the third side to it what would that
mean what is the story there now as
anthropologists we know that every
culture has an origin story what’s the
origin story of the Middle East in a
phrase it’s four thousand years ago a
man and his family walked across the
Middle East and the world has never been
the same since that man of course was
Abraham and what he stood for was unity
the unity of the family he’s the father
of us all but it’s not just what he
stood for it’s what his message was his
basic message was unity to the
interconnectedness of it all the unity
of it all and his basic value was
respect was kindness toward strangers
that’s what he’s known for his
hospitality so in that sense he’s the
symbolic third side of the Middle East
he’s the one who reminds us that we’re
all part of a greater whole now how
would you now think about that for a
moment we today we face a scourge of
terrorism what is terrorism terrorism is
basically taking an innocent stranger
and treating them as an enemy whom you
kill in order to create fear what’s the
opposite of terrorism
it’s taking an innocent stranger and
treating them as a friend whom you
welcomed into your home in order to sew
and create understanding or respect or
love so what if then you took the story
of Abraham which is a third side story
what if that could be actually an act
because Abraham stands for hospitality
what if that could be an antidote to
terrorism what if that could be a
vaccine against religious intolerance
how would you bring that story to life
now it’s not enough just to tell a story
that’s powerful but people need to
experience the story they need to be
able to live the story how would you do
that and that was my thinking of how
would you do that and that’s what comes
to the first step here because the
simple way to do that is you go for a
walk you go for a walk in the footsteps
of Abraham you retrace the footsteps of
Abraham because walking has a real power
you know as an anthropologist walking is
what made us human walking it’s funny
when you walk you walk side by side in
the same common direction now if I were
to come to you face to face and come
this close to you you would feel
threatened but if I walk
shoulder-to-shoulder even touching
shoulders it’s no problem who fights why
they walk that’s why in negotiations
often when things get tough people go
for walks in the woods so the idea came
to me of what about inspiring a path our
route think the Silk Route think the
Appalachian Trail that followed in the
footsteps of Abraham people said that’s
crazy you can’t you can’t retrace the
footsteps of Abraham this too insecure
you get across all these borders goes
across ten different countries in the
Middle East because it unites them all
and so we studied the idea at Harvard we
did our due diligence and then a few
years ago a group of us about 25 of us
from 10 different countries decided to
see if we could retrace the footsteps of
Abraham going from his official
birthplace in the city oofah in southern
turkey northern
hey Mia and we then took a bus and took
some walks and went to her on we’re in
the Bible he sets off on his journey
then we crossed the border into Syria
went to Aleppo which turns out is named
after Abraham we went to Damascus which
has a long history associated with
Abraham we then came to northern Jordan
to Jerusalem which is all about Abraham
to Bethlehem and finally to the place
where he’s buried
in Hebron so effectively we went from
womb to tomb we showed it could be done
it was an amazing journey let me ask you
a question how many of you have had the
experience of being in a strange
neighborhood or strange land and a total
stranger perfect stranger comes up to
you and shows you some kindness maybe
invite you into their home gives you a
drink if you a coffee gives you a meal
we’ve ever had that experience that’s
the essence of of the Abraham path but
that’s what you discovers you go into
these villages in the Middle East where
you expect hostility and you get the
most amazing hospitality all associated
with Abraham the name of father you
better even let me let me offer you some
food so what we discovered is that
Abraham is not just a figure out of a
book for those people he’s alive he’s a
living presence and to make a long story
short in the last couple of years now
thousands of people have begun to walk
parts of the path of Abraham in the
Middle East enjoying the hospitality of
the people there they begun to walk in
Israel and Palestine in Jordan in Turkey
in Syria it’s an amazing experience men
women young people old people more women
than men actually interestingly for
those who can’t walk we were unable to
get there right now people started to
organize walks in cities in their own
communities in Cincinnati for instance
they organized a walk from a church to a
mosque to a synagogue and then all had
an Abraham etic meal together it was
Abraham path day in Sao Paulo Brazil
it’s become an annual event for
thousands of people to run in a virtual
Abraham path run uniting the different
communities the media love it they
really adore it they
lavish attention on it because it’s
visual and it spreads the idea this idea
of Abrahamic hospitality of kindness
toward strangers and just a couple weeks
ago there was an NPR story on it last
month there was a piece in the in The
Guardian in the Manchester Guardian
about it to two whole pages and they
quoted a quoted a villager who said this
walk connects us to the world he said it
was like a light that went on in our
lives it brought us hope and so that’s
what it’s about
but it’s not just about psychology it’s
about economics because as people walk
they spend money and this woman right
here
uma Hamid is a woman who lives on the
path in northern Jordan she’s
desperately poor she’s partially blind
her husband can’t work she’s got seven
kids but when she can do is cook and so
she’s begun to cook for some groups of
walkers who come through the village and
have a meal in her home they sit on the
floor she doesn’t even have a tablecloth
she makes the most delicious food that’s
fresh from the herbs in the surrounding
countryside and so more and more
Walker’s have come and lately she’s
begun to earn an income to support her
family and so she told our team there
she said you have made me visible in a
village where people were once ashamed
to look at me that’s the potential of
the Abraham path there are literally
hundreds of those kind of communities
across the Middle East across the path
the potential is basically to change the
game and to change the game you have to
change the frame the way we see things
to change the frame from hostility to
hospitality from terrorism to tourism
and in that sense the Abraham path is a
game changer let me just show you one
thing I have a little acorn here that I
picked up while I was walking on the
path earlier this year
now the acorn is associated with the oak
tree of course grows into an oak tree
which is associated with Abraham
path right now is like an acorn it’s
still in its early phase
what would the oak tree look like well I
think back to my childhood a good part
of which I spent after being born here
in Chicago I would I spent in Europe if
you had been in the ruins of say London
in 1945 or Berlin and you had said 60
years from now this is going to be the
most peaceful prosperous part of the
planet people would have thought you are
certifiably insane but they did it
thanks to a common identity Europe and a
common economy so my question is if it
could be done in Europe why not in the
Middle East why not thanks to a common
identity which is a story of Abraham and
thanks to a common economy that would be
based in good part on tourism so let me
conclude then by saying that in the last
35 years as I’ve worked in some of the
most dangerous difficult and intractable
conflicts around the planet I have yet
to see one conflict that I felt could
not be transformed it’s not easy of
course but it’s possible it was done in
South Africa it was done in Northern
Ireland it could be done anywhere it
simply depends on us it depends on us
taking the third side so let me invite
you to consider taking the third side
even as a very small step we’re about to
take a break in a moment just go up to
someone who’s from a different culture a
different country a different ethnicity
some difference and engage them in a
conversation listen to them that’s a
third side act that’s walking Abraham’s
path after a TED talk why not a TED walk
so let me just leave you with three
things one is the secret to peace is the
third side the third side is us each of
us with a single step can take the world
can bring the world a step closer to
peace there’s an old African proverb
that goes when spiderwebs unite they can
halt even the lion if we’re able to
unite our third side webs of peace we
can even halt the lion of war thank you
very much