What I Wish People Know After My Husband Died
[Music]
in 2016
on a very normal thursday july morning
my husband dave and i were going through
the motions getting ourselves ready for
work
and our two young daughters eve and zoe
ready for daycare it was a beautiful day
out
so i very naturally took the girls with
me in the car
so dave could ride his motorcycle to
work
i was in a rush as usual so i just blew
him in air kiss from the driveway
like and off i went
at around 2pm the police showed up in my
office
to ask if i knew a david budeck
i remember the feeling of my stomach
dropping
i said he rode his motorcycle to work
was there an accident
is he dead he wasn’t dead
but there was an accident they were
going to drive me to the hospital to see
him
i arrived at the hospital through the
police and ambulance entrance with no
one else around
and was eventually taken into the trauma
icu
to see dave for less than a minute just
to make sure that
it was my day they were working on
and then i waited and waited
after more waiting and signing paperwork
for an eventual surgery
i left the hospital but barely slept
that night
throughout the time in hospital it
wasn’t that i was holding on so tightly
to hope
i actually thought dave would recover i
called our insurance company to find out
what coverage we had for his eventual
rehabilitation needs
in my small brown spiral bound notebook
i tracked everything going on in that
room
i tracked the numbers and beeps from the
machines
i counted the staples in his head and
there were 50
from ear to ear
and i wrote down every word the doctors
were saying
so that when dave recovered i could tell
him about it
being the scientist he was i knew he
would want the details
40 days after dave’s accident on the
night before eve’s very first day of
kindergarten
at 808 pm dave died
i became a widow at the age of 33 with a
two-year-old
and a five-year-old
what was i gonna do
well what do most of us seem to do these
days when we just don’t know the answer
to something
we google it do you know
if you google how to support a widow
the first thing that pops up is a list
with 10 suggestions
there’s also a picture of two elderly
women holding each other
and the number one recommendation
bring food and coordinate food drop-offs
with others so that grievers have one
less thing to think about
when dave was in the hospital and after
he died people brought food
and google was right it was helpful
and the rest of the suggestions on that
list are definitely helpful too
but what i want to talk about today is
what happens
after the so-called grieving period is
over
when it seems that people want those
grieving to get back to normal and
not be so sad anymore in different
religions and regions across the world
grieving and mourning look different but
generally
we don’t know what to say to each other
how many of you have googled what to
write in a sympathy card
we struggle with how to interact with
each other when people die
every day not just weeks after loss
but what happens months or years later
when life keeps going
i’ll tell you what happens we stopped
talking
about our people who died
life goes on and we get busy i get it
but what would it look like if we were
more intentional
and made it the norm to talk about our
people who have died
to say their names and tell their
stories
let me tell you how you can support a
grieving widow years later
quite simply talk about the person who
died
after dave died i got a lot of
well-intentioned let me know if i can do
anything
offers but i knew i wasn’t reaching out
i had to pretend that we could live a
normal life
i stuck to the nightly routine dave
followed
because asking for help for what i
eventually realized i did need
might signal that i wasn’t okay and that
i couldn’t do it on my own
so that meant talking about dave less
and just
focusing on everything else that needed
to be done
and then it got harder to talk about
dave because
i thought that if i did people might
think that i was stuck
in grief i remember this one time
someone asking
me how i was doing you know with the
head tilt and eye squint and that
unconscious look of pity how are you
doing
you know what i said we’re doing okay
yep i’m figuring it out we’re doing okay
i walked away got into my car and
suddenly the tears were just
gushing down and i was doing the ugly
cry that you can only really do in the
car
or in the shower basically anywhere
you’re alone
so nobody will see you lose it yeah it
turns out i was not okay
but grief is complicated and fast
forward to today i can honestly say that
most days
i’m okay i’m also totally comfortable
saying now that
some days i’m still not
being okay and being resilient are
unconscious pressures placed on people
in grief
doing well in the face of adversity is
so subjective
if resilience looks at your capacity to
recover quickly from a difficult
situation and
bounce back to normal there is simply
no resilience possible from this type of
loss
i can’t bounce back to the life i had
because dave isn’t here anymore
i will never get back a future that is
forever gone
resiliency for widows isn’t about
bouncing back it’s about creating a
meaningful life
with the way things are now
what i have found is making meaning of
my life now
has to include talking about dave his
life and his death
influenced and shaped me into who i am
today
and while not all widows want to talk
about their dead husbands
i can tell you that when i feel free to
do so i’m comforted by my memories that
continue to have this place to live
i found the most welcoming environments
to talk about dave and his death and
life since his death have been with my
fellow young widows
whether that’s in person or online
these online organizations groups
therapists
blogs are all there to support those in
grief
and i think they are most helpful when
they complement our existing
relationships
with our family and friends for example
a widow in florida can offer a lot of
comfort and support
simply by having a shared life-altering
experience
but she doesn’t know dave she can’t
laugh at his quirks and remind me that
he would never
pay full price for anything he loved
flipping coupons
we are on the verge of becoming a
community where we can openly talk
about people after they have died except
people don’t know what to say to someone
who is grieving
or quite frankly they’re worried they’re
gonna say the wrong thing
so it can seem easier not to mention the
person at all
but just how you want to share stories
of your loved ones
i want you all to know about dave’s
annoying obsession
with sunflower seeds he would eat them
one by one at his computer desk every
night
and lucky me would shift to the bed if
he was finished checking his emails
before his
tiny tupperware of seeds was empty
acknowledging relationships can be
complicated but in my opinion
part of life includes talking about our
people who have died
but isn’t it interesting that we don’t
talk about death
we purposefully avoid talking about
death because it produces this
terror inducing fear that one day we
will die too
we have so much anxiety knowing we will
die we do anything we can to avoid
talking about it
so let me clarify we don’t need to talk
about death
we just need to talk about our people
who died
communities exist that talk about people
who have passed away
but you may be thinking when is it
appropriate
the next time you see something that
makes you think about someone who has
died or you have a memory or a thought
that you want to share
share it talking about somebody’s dead
husband
doesn’t make them more upset or remind
us that they died
trust me we remember we know
and if you say something that makes
someone emotional
it’s okay because i tell my kids when
they get upset
seeing me upset it’s okay to cry
i will tell zoe my youngest
daddy died and it’s sad and so i’m going
to be sad for a moment
bringing up memories about someone who
has died means
they mattered they still matter
they aren’t forgotten even zoe have very
limited memories of their dad
talking about dave will be the only way
they get to know who he was
seeing the kobit 19 statistics unfold
and the death rate continue to rise
has made me think about two things
one dave would have been all over the
science behind this pandemic
and we would have looked quite prepared
thanks to the seemingly
lifetime supply of cleaning and paper
products
thanks to his extreme couponing
and two there are new coved widows and
widowers out there
and their wounds are still raw
so while they may not be ready to talk
about their loved ones just yet
in three or four years from now they may
be
it’s been over four years since my dave
died
and the sadness while still always there
feels a little less unbearable and it
gets easier to listen to the ways others
choose to talk about dave
my sister recently told me that the
family used to place bets
on which shirt they would be wearing
when we came to visit
because majority of the time it was his
favorite
white shirt with yellow sleeves this
waffle shirt from old navy
and that shirt is now eve’s daddy shirt
and has been in her bed with her every
night since the day of his funeral
i’ve also taken that shirt with me to
school concerts and plays
because she tells me she feels like he’s
watching her too
and because eve is still so young i went
to ebay
and i bought a backup daddy shirt just
to have for when his
shirt wears out completely
talk about people when there are big
decisions to make
for instance hearing someone who knew
dave say they would
he they think he would have understood
my decision to move brought so much
comfort
holidays and birthdays are more obvious
hard times
and you can still mention the person
but the hard times are also the really
good times
eve earned her yellow belt in karate the
same day she did well on a difficult
math test
last year and and that was hard because
dave should be here for this he should
be here to watch
his children grow up
but he’s not here he’s missing
and is going to continue missing all the
milestones
he isn’t in any back to school pictures
he won’t teach his girls to drive
he won’t see them graduate
and he won’t be with them on their
wedding days
so when you think about when would be a
tough time for a widow
check in when things are seemingly
really good
that might just be the perfect time for
a reminder
that years later dave still matters
time passes and grief changes when you
aren’t sure what to say to a widow
or anybody who’s experienced loss it’s
okay to ask
can i talk about dave do you talk about
him in front of your kids
just asking questions tells me he
matters
if a widow says they like talking about
their late partner
go for it but if they don’t
doesn’t matter why just accept it move
on
regardless of how uncomfortable you may
feel you’ve asked a question that
acknowledges
a person existed
my story while sad is not consumed in
and doesn’t end in sadness i am so lucky
to have known a love
so deep that it cannot die with the
person and i’m beyond grateful to have
repartnered with someone
who told me he watched a movie he thinks
dave would have liked
we have talked about dave to the point
where someone who never had the chance
to know him
knows him
those who work with people preparing for
death will tell us that
when somebody is dying they just want to
know that their lives have been
meaningful
did they make a difference in this world
what will they be remembered for
if we stop talking about people after
they die
then really what are they being
remembered for
dave was the smartest man i’ve ever
known
i will continue to tell his story and
love sharing his favorite mantra was
never pay someone to do a job that you
could learn how to do yourself
he read how to books for fun and studied
the owner’s manuals of items we hadn’t
even bought yet
like our vacuum cleaner just to make
sure it was the perfect one for us
there’s a saying that a person actually
dies twice
the first time is when they take their
last breath
and the second time is when somebody
says their name
for the last time i want you to keep in
mind that talking about our people who
have died
helps keep their memory alive it keeps
them alive
how are you going to support someone in
their grief years after loss
you