How to Succeed Every Moment Even When Youre Failing
success
it’s something we think about a lot that
we
desperately want and strive for so much
so there are already over a thousand
other ted talks on the subject
but i’m not here today to talk to you
about traditional
notions of success i’m here to talk to
you about
how you can succeed even when you’re
failing
when you think about what traditional
success looks like
it might conjure images of wealthy
celebrities
who build leadership academies for girls
first ladies
who write the best selling memoirs of
all time
or activists who fight to equalize the
world
if achieving monumental goals like this
is what it takes to be considered a
success
well i don’t know about you but it makes
me feel destined to be a spectacular
failure and while we might not be quite
holding ourselves to the standard of
becoming
oprah michelle or a mighty suffragette
we do in many cultures hyper focus
on goal achievement as the measure of
success
these might be professional goals like
getting a degree
or promotion parenting goals like
getting a kid into a good college
creative goals like having a painting
commissioned
or citizenship goals of getting women
equal pay
for equal work you set a goal
you take steps to achieve it if you do
so you’re a success
by this definition though on the flip
side
if you don’t achieve the goal you’re a
failure
i think we have this all wrong now
some will argue that failure is good
that the one thing the most successful
people in the world have in common
is that they’ve experienced failure more
often than others
but i’d like to argue that failure to
achieve their goals is not
really the thing that these successful
people likely have in common
for those of you who play sports if i
were on the pitch or the court or the
field and i offered up a magic
spell that would give you the victory
without ever having to touch a ball
would you take me up on it the goal is
to win after all
and this would make you a success for
all you parents
what is the goal of parenting i know i’d
like my two children to become
kind loving independent contributing
adults
what if my magic spell could turn your
kids into exactly the humans you’d like
them to be
your goal of having your kids turn out
to be great adults
would be achieved you’d be a success as
a parent
there’s just one catch you have to hand
them over and poof
i will give them back to you when
they’re 30 year olds
now maybe if you have two-year-olds or a
teenager you might
take me up on this but in general most
parents would not
and why is that because the whole point
is
playing the game and going through the
process of parenting
not just achieving the goal of winning
or having kids who turn out to be great
adults
we can want those things and work in
ways to make them more likely
but perhaps we need a shift in focus
here now i’m not just repackaging it’s
not whether you win or lose it’s how you
play the game or
life is about the journey and not the
destination i mean that
is partly what i’m saying but there’s
more to it than this
allow me to share an example of my own i
love writing and i have a couple
professional psychology books that i’ve
published but what i’m talking about is
creative and personal writing and i have
about
a dozen pieces at varying stages of
completion
children’s picture books and poems
personal essays
even the beginning of a ya novel and
memoir
and so my goal for my creative writing
the outcome i desire
is to get published now
i have submitted many of these pieces
for publication
and i’ve been doing this for over 10
years
can you guess how many of those pieces
i’ve had published
exactly one and that was just this past
year
so by our earlier definition of success
i have a goal i set out to achieve it
um i would be a spectacular
failure of a writer so maybe it’s time
to hang up the typewriter
but this is the exact problem with an
over focus on goal achievement
as the measure of success when we don’t
get the outcome we desire
we stop moving forward even if what
we’re doing
deeply matters to us and most
importantly
we’re playing a rigged game because
goals are outcomes and outcomes are
almost entirely outside of our control
so for example you might have a goal of
getting a new job
getting married or changing
discriminatory practices at your kids
elementary school just to
pull an example out of thin air and you
can certainly take steps to make that
more likely
but whether or when it ultimately
happens is kind of out of your hands
so what happens after you send out 20
resumes spend
six months doing online dating or make a
stellar presentation to the school
administrators
and you don’t land the job find the
perfect mate
or affect meaningful change if you see
these as
failures you very well may give up
you may stop moving forward what if
there was a better way
now as both a therapist and a writer i
would never just
tell a client or a reader what that
better way was
what’s the fun in that they say show
don’t tell
so i would show them because that’s
really the best way to
get a concept is to experience it
personally firsthand
so what i’d like to ask you to do is get
a pen or a pencil anything you can hold
in your hand it doesn’t have to write
now seriously go get a pen or a pencil
really go get a pen or a pencil
okay now i want you to think about a
goal
that you’ve been working hard to achieve
something that you’ve been putting a ton
of energy into attention effort
both physically and mentally and when
you have those details in your mind i
want you to grasp the pen
as tightly as would represent all that
you’ve been putting toward achieving
that goal
this could be the worries the
researching any
planning or problem solving getting
reassurance from other people
and and then of course whatever actions
or tasks you’ve actually
engaged in squeeze that pen and notice
how hard you’re holding it
give it a number zero to ten and just
notice how it feels
now i want you to release your grip by
about 50 so
you know if you’re holding it in at
eight try holding it at a four
and notice how that feels how it’s
changed how it feels differently than
before
and now hold the pen as lightly as
possible without letting it drop
and notice how that feels and how it’s
different from before
now what’s the one thing that hasn’t
changed
you’re still holding the pen so maybe
instead of hyper focusing on goal
achievement as our
main or even only measure of success we
can continue to move forward with the
actions that make realizing our goals
more likely
but while holding the outcomes more
lightly now
of course when we pursue a goal like
getting a job or finding a spouse or
writing an organizational wrong
if we don’t get the outcome we desire
rejection is painful
let’s think about why that is i would
argue it’s because
what we’re pursuing is important to us
pain is like a bright red neon arrow
pointing at exactly what matters in your
heart
consider what keeps you up at night is
it worry about whether
netflix or hbo is going to stay in
business
you may enjoy binge watching the vow as
much as the next person i know i do
but unless you have a loved one in an
actual sex cult
i bet you’re not losing sleep over it
the worry that keeps you up at night
is about your family friends health
career the things you really care about
and while you may not be able to control
the outcome of getting the job finding
the spouse
changing discriminatory practices or in
my case getting published
you can decide who shows up to each life
moment
each present moment offers a new
opportunity to choose what you do
and how you do it you can write an
online dating profile and show up to
coffee dates openly
authentically or playfully you can
participate in job interviews
enthusiastically and well prepared
you can fight the status quo with
courage and figure
and you can write because you value
creativity
skill building and perseverance
we’re never done being authentic playful
courageous
creative or persistent these are
qualities of being in doing that we can
choose to embody in each moment
whether we achieve the goals and
outcomes we desire
or not in our current reality we have
very little control over the outcomes of
a global pandemic
other people’s behavior or the results
of important elections
but we can choose the types of humans
and citizens
we want to be as we navigate our
challenging world
as you consider who this me might be for
you
fear uncertainty or the ever-present
imposter syndrome
may very well accompany you every step
of the way
this is because you care remember
and you could allow those passengers to
sneak into the driver’s seat of your
life
where you could call upon the wisdom of
those who have gone before us
like oprah michelle or a mighty
suffragette
i know when my inner critic gets loud i
think wwod
what would oprah do not because oprah
has achieved some incredibly impressive
goals which of course she has
but because when she faced poverty abuse
racism sexism body shamers
she embodied determination courage
perseverance and authenticity and it is
inside the embodiment of these qualities
that we can succeed
even when we may be failing if we choose
to focus
on how we show up to each moment we’ll
be more likely to persist
even when we don’t achieve our desired
goals or outcomes
and if we keep showing up in these ways
life is better
may not be less painful or easier but we
certainly feel more alive
so the question is not what goal or
outcome must you achieve to be a success
the question is who is the me you most
desire to be
in this one moment maybe it’s no
coincidence that me
sits right inside moment
thank you