The Secret to Successful Romantic Relationships
[Music]
why is it
that the qualities you first admired in
your partner can become the exact same
qualities that you now
label as annoying those
cute quirks that are now the source of
your silent criticism
so if you used to think i love that
she’s so funned and spontaneous
now you could possibly think that
labeled as
impulsive scattered or out of control
like when she went to get groceries and
came back with a kayak
or if you used to look at him with
adoring eyes
because you just love that he was so
focused and together
his now anal retentiveness may fall
under labels like
predictable boring or just too uptight
like when he took the soup cans and put
them in alphabetical order
well look don’t worry this doesn’t have
to mean that your whole relationship is
headed down the drain
but let me tell you something if you
don’t start paying more attention
to the labels you’re attaching to the
person you love
the romance in your relationship could
be headed down the 3d drain
the dysfunctional damaged deficient
drain
i mean it’s not that surprising that it
gets harder and harder
to fire up that romantic chemistry and
get that potent
love potion flowing if those silently
said negative labels
start sliding between the sheets it’s
really hard to
cozy up too boring chatty
cheap impatient lazy obsessed prude shy
workaholic
or just annoying and you know
get turned on now i’ve been in a loving
relationship for a long time now
but i’m still amazed at how long it took
me to learn some of the most basic
lessons in how to maintain the long-term
romance
which was a surprisingly painful
thing to accept but
two practice marriages can make you
think about a few things
the bottom line is at the end of the day
this silent labeling completely derailed
my relationships
and that’s why i’ve dedicated the last
decade of my life
to passionately researching creating
communication tools
writing a book speaking training all
trying to answer the question
how do the very qualities that started
out
as adorable when falling in love
change into behaviors that we now label
as annoying
once the honeymoon’s over here’s what i
found out
perhaps we fell in love with the parts
of our partners
that we possibly fell a little short on
and together
you rounded each other out a bit you
know how they say opposites attract
i think it’s more like compliments they
attract
let me give you an example so in my own
romantic relationship
our qualities and our behaviors they
complement each other
because we understand and we accept
each other’s emotional needs so i’m an
extrovert
and i am ignited and i am driven
by the thrill of challenge and new
experiences
where my partner chris he’s an introvert
who’s comfortable with routine so when
we find ourselves in a new situation
like going to a new restaurant you know
in my case
i’m not just looking for a meal i want
to create a
moment you know i want a cool
dining vibe i want lots of interesting
new menu choices
and even better i want wait staff that’s
singing and blindfolded
i’m serious where my beloved
he’s not even leaving the house until he
pinpoints
his burger on the menu he
reads his accordion file is his huge
file full of reviews and he radios ahead
to check that there’s no lineup
i mean clearly we bring different things
to the table
however because our tendencies
complement each other
we end up with an experience that’s safe
and enjoyable
for both of us and this is usually how
it goes
the introvert falls for the extrovert
the impulsive falls for the planner
the steady plotter for the adrenaline
junkie
and the adventure grabber well they fall
for the security seeker
there’s no denying the idea that
something in us
is drawn to people who counter some of
our dominant qualities
with complementary tendencies
but after some time goes by and that
love luster dust dries up
we don’t see those qualities as
complimenting us anymore
but rather they’re just annoying
now i know it would be convenient to
blame this on covid
the increase in time that couples are
spending together
but the truth is labeling is something
we humans have been doing
since the beginning of time i mean we
love to label
labeling is how we categorize and
organize the world and people around us
it’s an evolutionary process that
started out saving us
grouping the world into danger and safe
people into good and bad
but like many things in our evolution
that start out as helpful
we take it too far and it can end up
being hurtful
like labeling admirable attributes as
annoying
instead of just allowing them to be
complementary
i think it’s sort of like evolution has
this private joke going on
i mean it’s luring us into labeling to
help us make sense of the world
and then it’s silently slipping in the
romantic relationship
eroding warning in teeny tiny print
labeling must be done
with care
and even though i know oh i know
the damage that this negative labeling
can do
i have the divorces to prove it it’s
still hard to change
making that switch from negative to
positive
to be careful and conscious of the
labels we’re attaching to the person we
love
because most of us we have highly
developed
critical labeling skills and they are
lightning fast
i’m talking ninja fast and those labels
they’re just standing at the ready so
just the other day i’m in the kitchen
and we’re making dinner and i go to grab
the knife
and he says be careful it’s really sharp
and he gets this
and i say seriously i’m an adult
thanks control freak in my mind
and with those labels rolling around in
your head
it makes it really hard to want to
cuddle on the couch after dinner and
watch a movie
but you know when we first met i
loved that he was always looking after
me i mean
he’s the kind of guy that when you go
for a walk in the city
he walks between you and the traffic
like he’s some kind of human protection
shield
because safety is really important to
that guy and he wants to protect those
he loves
so i need to remember and appreciate
that
about my guy you see it wasn’t his
behavior that was annoying
it was my thoughts about it because of
the label
i now attach to his caring and
protective nature
the part that’s actually complementary
to my sometimes reckless adventurous
self
generally silently sabotaging the
romance in our relationships
this doesn’t happen overnight we don’t
just wake up one day and decide to ruin
the romance in our relationships
no it’s a process it happens over time
re-categorizing the adorables into the
annoyables
without stopping to consider the
consequences
now the great news here there’s a way
out of this toxic labeling trap
it involves shifting your thinking
pattern from negative labels
to positive ones and because us humans
are hardwired to label and we’re not
going to change
we need to be careful about the words we
choose
when labeling the ones we love now i
think it’s worth taking a moment
to think about the qualities of your
partner that were once
charming adorable even and why you fell
in love with that part of them
in long-term relationships it’s more
than just helpful to remember your
falling and love story
how did you feel on dates in the early
days
you know in my case i thought my human
shield was pretty sexy
and i still do
so what qualities of your partner did
you just
adore what words did you use to describe
them
the labels you attached to those
qualities that gave you those love
feelings
because after all there’s a fine line
between adorable and annoyable
a line that’s made up of labels that you
get to choose
so if you want to keep the
romance alive in your relationship i
suggest you become complimentary again
and remember to always label
with care thank you
you