Learning How To Swim
[Music]
living along the pacific coastline
first in yokohama and now in vancouver
allow me to develop
a very unique relationship with the
waters
i remember every year i would count down
the days until i could spend
every day exploring this beach town
allowing the current to drift the summer
days away
until the skies resembled blank canvases
rather than a work of art we call the
sunrise
until the leaves lost their color
i spent the longest days of the year
floating above the waters
but at the same time i spent what felt
like the longest days of the year
trapped
underwater
what does drowning feel like when the
undertow hits and your lungs are filled
with water
burning for me it wasn’t the water that
pulled me down to my lowest point
i was once in a very dark place but
nobody knew at the time
not even my closest friends because i
didn’t let them
i began to submerge in all the
expectations
but from the outside it looked like as
if i had my life together
and my day’s plan i always had my
journal by my side and i kept myself
busy
from the outside you would never have
been able to tell that it was all just a
facade
i used to play hide and seek almost
every day
as if it were a game well mostly the
hyde part
i’d hide behind my outgoing and bubbly
persona
i’d hide behind the everyday struggle as
an elite
student athlete i’d fill my schedule up
so i wouldn’t have to face all the
pressure
because when you’re busy you don’t even
have time to be stressed right
i set a timer for 10 minutes when i
needed to cry because
i simply didn’t have the time there were
always more tasks on the to-do list
i didn’t even have the time to
acknowledge the fact that a few years
ago my mental health capsized
you see i was always the friend they
went for help advice and support
and i was happy to be there for them but
when it came to myself
i didn’t want to burden anybody with my
own troubles so i pushed these feelings
away
balling it all up i began to drift away
from morals and common sense
i made impulsive decisions like stealing
my parents car and sneaking out
countless times
but no matter how many times my parents
got angry before doing something like
that
i plugged my ears and brushed it away
from a young age i was labeled gifted
and i felt the pressure to live up to
these expectations
at first i just did whatever i enjoyed
dipping my toes into the waters
hockey piano lacrosse rugby you name it
i loved them all
but at a certain point i became
conditioned to think that if i wasn’t
the best at everything
i was a failure so i’d challenge myself
to the point where i would be at war
with myself
i’ve clear memories of myself when i was
in grade 4
crying asleep because i felt like a
failure
at 10 years old
this later developed into a series of
eating disorders and sleepless nights
at this point my feet couldn’t touch
sand anymore and my head started to
plunge
under the familiar waters i tried to
tread water
to tough it out but you could only tread
for so long
i didn’t see the problem because in my
household and actually i find this with
a lot of immigrant households
mental health is not a common subject
i finally realized the extent of this
neglect actually last year on my 16th
birthday
when i went down to the office to look
for a janitor after i accidentally
spilled some water during a lockdown
drill
beside me was an asian boy and his
mother trying to sign out but
they weren’t allowed to leave i mind my
own business
until all of a sudden he starts getting
hostile and the police have to come and
settle the situation
with tears running down his face i stood
in the office looking out at him
listening to the sirens approach the
school
his mother clearly distressed starts
apologizing for her son’s behavior but
what she doesn’t acknowledge
is the pain in his eyes i could see it
and i didn’t even know his name
i wanted to ask him why and i’d be lying
to you if i told you i just went about
my day after
i later realized that i too was lashing
out for
no reason i had negativity surrounding
me latching on to me but
i couldn’t put an actual reason to it
in order for me to take away step away
from that
and gain control i was
constantly putting myself in situations
where it gave me enough adrenaline to
forget about the stress for a moment
but at the end of the day the root of
the problem never went away
it planted itself deeper
let me introduce to you a part of me
that’s giving me something to look
forward to on my darkest days
but at the same time has been the reason
i broke down on my dark on my sunniest
days
i’m a hockey player and i played on a
team full of outstanding players
but it took me a lot to get there
i got my first pair of rollerblades when
i was six after i moved to canada
soon after my parents threw me onto the
ice and i fell in awe with the feeling
of flying
i was a talented skater but the stake
part didn’t come naturally to me
regardless all i knew was that i loved
hockey and that i
had potential
when i switched over from boys hockey to
girls hockey i was so over the moon to
play at a more competitive level because
i made the rep team
i even quit figure skating that year too
so that’s how you really knew i was all
in
i was diving into the deep end
about a week in coming from boys hockey
with the background and figure skating
although i knew that i was good enough
or i wouldn’t have been there in the
first
first place my coach at the time
neglected me right off the get-go
couldn’t understand why so i let it get
to me and it was pretty hard to navigate
for a 12 year old
at the time i was too scared to do
anything about it and speak up because i
didn’t dare to disagree with any of the
coaching decisions that were made
my parents also had no influence unlike
some of the other girls parents because
mine knew nothing about hockey
but rather than allowing me to quit when
the waters got choppy
they encouraged me to persevere
then all i had to fend for for myself
was myself although i knew that i was
deliberately being mistreated
i still showed up to every single
practice because i didn’t want to give
him a real reason to bench me
i gave it another year after that but i
began to believe that i wasn’t good
enough to continue
i even planned to quit hockey but
something told me to give it one last
shot
so i decided to try out for this team
called phrasal valley rush which is part
of the major
aaa league to put into perspective it is
the highest level you can play before
pursuing post-secondary
the coach of this team delaney collins
was a former team canada player gold
medalist and coach of team bc
so i thought wow how cool would it be to
be coached by her
well like i said this team was full of
superstars and there was a lot of
competition
with my confidence planning by the
minute what made me think i had a shot
well the way it worked in my head was
make this team or quit
there were two tryouts one in may and
one in august
long story short may comes around and i
don’t get a spot
but by then i didn’t care about anything
i didn’t care about hockey
i didn’t care about school rugby
lacrosse work
anything
i showed up to the second child
expecting nothing
at the end of the weekend i want to say
thank you to delaney after
a great tryout and she ended up offering
me
a spot mid conversation
among the most seasoned players she
chose me and from that day forward
she gave me more chances than i could
have ever asked for
little by little she started to develop
me into twice the player i used to be
starting with a mentality she sprinkled
some confidence in me and taught me more
than just how to be a hockey player
she doesn’t know the impact she had on
me by being such a remarkable role model
but i gave her credit for getting me to
where i am today
i had a conversation with her at the end
of the year about what to do
about my upcoming year which was my
grade 11 year
my school offers this program called the
ib program which
is a very rigorous academic program and
i was kind of caught up between wanting
to take this challenge
and trying to stick with hockey at the
same time
my counselors at the time my school
counselors suggested
that playing elite level hockey while
pursuing full ib
would be a combination for disaster but
fellaini disagreed
she said she believes in me and in order
to be great you have to take these
challenges
if it weren’t for that little nudge i
wouldn’t have had the courage to do so
myself
she’s one of the reasons why i’m so
passionate about coaching
mentorship and giving back why i always
try to check in with a friend
because i think the only way we can
collectively achieve great things
is to uplift those around us
now that i look back i gained more than
i lost
not only did this team give me 19 other
girls that i can count on any day of the
year
19 other girls that i call family
this team gave me more chances and
opportunities i could have ever asked
for
that i’m beyond grateful for another one
of my best friends wrote me a letter
once that said
make it count but do not negotiate with
your mental health and well-being
while i stand in awe of your work ethic
i sometimes encourage you to take a step
back and let yourself relax
and if you need a friend i’m one text
away
and that stuck with me
well underneath all the walls and labels
we’re all just trying to become a better
version of ourselves
you won’t be able to tell and they won’t
show it either because of the fear of
vulnerability
but i hope that by me being vulnerable
today it can spark some conversations
amidst all the blur all you need is an
individual who sees the struggle and
gives a little push a steer in the right
direction
it’s powerful and the impact it had on
me i carry with me every day
imagine if we could all be this person
for someone else
it’s so simple yet we rarely take that
extra effort to do so
learning how to swim is not easy and
does not come naturally
even if it feels like you dropped a
thousand meters below the surface you
will rise again
the feeling of floating is rewarding and
refreshing but you will never experience
that in the shallow waters
you can stand in the sand all you want
however life’s thrills appear where you
can’t reach the ocean floor
so you decide sink or swim