3 steps to getting what you want in a negotiation The Way We Work a TED series
Transcriber:
When we think about negotiations,
we think about being tough.
We charge in like it’s a battle,
brandishing our influence
and our power moves.
But a negotiation doesn’t have to be
a fight with winners and losers.
Think of it more like a dance,
two or more people moving fluidly in sync.
[The Way We Work]
We constantly negotiate at work.
We negotiate for higher pay, promotions,
vacations and even greater autonomy.
In fact, every day we negotiate
just to get our job done
and to secure resources
for ourselves and our teams.
And yet when we go in
with the wrong mindset,
with a fist up ready to fight,
we aren’t as successful.
You know why? Because negotiation
is not about dominating.
It’s about crafting a relationship.
And relationships thrive
when we find ways to give and to take
and move together in unison.
And to do that,
you have to be well prepared.
First, do your research.
Figure out whether
what you’re asking for is realistic.
What is your aspiration?
What do you want, and what
will make you walk away from the table?
This might seem obvious, but too many
people don’t think it through.
Let’s say you’re negotiating
for a salary in a new job.
Some people, they determine
they ask based on their past salary.
That isn’t a good yardstick.
You may end up asking
for too much or too little.
Instead, find out the range
of what is possible.
Look at industrial reports, websites.
Talk to people
in your professional network
to find out the lowest,
average and the highest salary
for a similar role,
and then make your ask
closer to that upper limit.
Build a solid rationale
for why you are above average
and thus deserving of that ask.
Let’s say you’re negotiating
for something less black and white,
like the ability to work from home
to care for an aging parent.
You need to study your company’s
policies on remote work.
Ask yourself when and why
were these policies developed
in the first place?
Talk to trusted mentors to understand
how working from home might affect issues
that aren’t on your radar.
And think about how changing
to working from home
might actually affect others in your team.
In fact, make a table
summarizing the parts of your job
that can be done remotely
and the parts that require
face-to-face interaction.
This may sound like a lot to do,
but when the person
you’re negotiating with
sees that you’ve done all this homework,
you’re more likely to get that “yes.”
It also helps you avoid being lied to
while building the person’s respect.
Second, prepare mentally
for the negotiation.
Asking for things can get emotional.
There are real and complex
feelings at play:
fear, anxiety, anger, even hurt.
It’s essential to have strategies in place
to manage those feelings.
One strategy is to adopt a mindset
of defensive pessimism.
That just means that you accept
obstacles and failures
are likely in a negotiation.
So it’s better to put
your energy in imagining
the ways to overcome those obstacles.
That way, you’re ready to respond
when you face it.
Another strategy is emotional distancing.
That is the idea of being less attached
to any specific outcome.
I know it’s easier said than done.
We all feel emotions like anger and hurt
when our core identities
are being threatened.
When your manager may be challenging
a truth that you hold dear about yourself,
like you’re a hard worker
and you deserve this,
try and avoid thinking of negotiations
as the ultimate test of your worth.
Go in knowing that your request
might be met, that it might be denied,
and that none of this
is a measure of your worth.
Also know that if you feel yourself
getting upset, hurt during a negotiation,
it’s OK to step back.
You can leave the dance floor
and move up to the balcony.
Just say, “Let me think
about this a little more.
Could we press pause
and continue this tomorrow?”
The third and the final way
you can prepare for negotiations
is by putting yourself
in the other person’s shoes.
Taking the time to anticipate
the other’s needs and challenges.
What pressures may they be under?
What risks would they be taking?
Do they even have the power
to give you what you’re asking for?
What ripple effects might a “yes” mean?
When you make that request,
look to balance assertiveness
about your own needs
with a concern for the other.
As you lay out your case,
use phrases like,
“I’m asking for this
because I know it’s good for my team.
That I want to achieve X and Y goals,
and I know this is what will enable it.”
Arguments like that
show that you are ambitious,
you know what you want,
but you also care for others.
So many of our negotiation missteps,
they don’t actually come
from disagreements
but misunderstanding the other person.
So it’s important to listen well,
to ask why and why not?
And you will surely find
unexpected opportunities
for win-win solutions.